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Uncyclopedia

Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

      Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Chemistry?
“The single most important science that ever exploded a test tube on our green earth is molecular biology... Oh, I mean Alchemy, heh heh.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Alchemy

Alchemy: The "science" of turning men (and, possibly, a few women) named "Al" into... GOOOOLD! In most instances, this involves arbitrarily mixing chemicals and hoping for the best.

Contents

History

Alchemy was discovered by Anonymous, the greatest author of our time, when he found that, upon dipping people into molten gold, four things happened:

  1. They died
  2. They were covered in molten gold
  3. They were quite shiny after a quick buffer
  4. They were a big hit at the local market

Anonymous thought that that was really cool. So he suffocated all of his friends in molten gold. He soon found something very interesting:

From: Why all my Friends are Dead by Anonymous: "...it is, with much excitement, that I found that, not only were my friends more attractive and less annoying, but they were also more valuable."

Unfortunately, Anonymous died of a cracker overdose next Tuesday ago.

So the Alchemy torch fell to Anonymous' son, Unknown. Unknown wrote a lot of books, but they were all about why Linux is better then Windows, and had nothing to do with alchemy. Sadly, the sum of Unknown's work on alchemy is stated, in total, here:

"Duuuuuuuude. Alchemy. Where did I put my bacon?"

Unknown HAD NO SON, unless you count the son who later became his daughter, which Unknown didn't. John, writing as Jane, made the most progress on alchemy ever.

Jane starved to death upon completion of his seminal work, her only worldly possessions being a full fridge and a copy of People Magazine", and a coupon for $2.00 off of a pizza. Makes you think, "why did he not get a damn pizza?".

The Rebirth of Alchemy...

It's rebirth can be anytime, if anyone can try doing alchemy successfully. If Ra can't do it, no-one can. Well, apart from the obvious.

Alchemical Substances

  • Aqua Regia: This "royal water" is the only alchemical substance known to dissolve the "royal metal" - gold. For this reason, it was the most feared substance known to alchemists.
  • Lyme Regis: The salt resulting from the action of Aqua Regia on limestone.
  • Antimony: Debt.
  • Fulminating gold: Gold that explodes. A common gag gift among alchemists.
  • Cinnabar: A delicious baked treat.
  • Brimstone: Also known as sulphur. Smells like bad eggs. The preferred snack of the Goth.
  • Mercurius Praecipitatus: Everyone knows what this is. I won't bother explaining it.
  • Quicklime: Nobody knows what this is, because it's too quick to observe. Scientists have developed a hypothesis that it might be some kind of lime.
  • Objectium: An uncommon red metal, occasionally found in the air vents of Los Angeles courtrooms. Experts hypothesize that it gives attorneys the ability to find contradictions in the statements of witnesses, as well as the ability to have really, really spiky hair. Its variants include Igiarium, Mattaium, and Kuraeium.
  • Gold: A mostly worthless malleable metal with a hideous yellow colour. However, it's quite tasty in bars.
  • Green: OMG Obscure Brit-com reference lol!
  • Dragon's blood: The red sap of the Dracaena draco tree, sold to gullible alchemists who never grew out of believing in dragons. Ha ha!
  • Butter of tin: Kind of like a tin of butter, but the other way around. Goes great on Cinnabar.
  • Orpiment: A yellow pigment containing arsenic. Commonly used for delicious yellow fingerpaint in kindergarten. Named after a town in Kent.
  • Pure Gold: Looks like regular gold, but will annoy you by bragging about how they don't want to have sex, would never even think about so much as looking at a drug, and their tendency to vote straight-ticket Republican.
  • Miso Hornie: Rare soup, straight from Japan.
  • Ars Regia: Royal pain in the arse. See: Aleister Crowley.
  • Cheese: Cheese is a kind of meat, a tasty yellow beef
  • Marsh Vapor: This stuff doesn't really come from marshes. Trust me, you're better off not asking where it really comes from.
  • Copper Glance: A suspicious ore that knows you must have done something. Your best bet is to act as casual as possible in its presence, and slowly yet naturally get out of there without bringing too much attention to yourself.
  • Manganese: A substance commonly used by Japanese alchemists. Characterized with overly large eyes and diminished noses. Nerds get really annoyed when you refer to it as a 'comic book' and it is a tremendous amount of fun to do this.
  • Realgar: Red ore of arsenic. Named for the fact that it actually exists.
  • Fakegar: Invisible pink ore of arsenic. Named for the fact that alchemists kept losing it, and so, out of frustration, decided to declare it nonexistent.
  • Bassium: Bassium is a pink metal that is named after a Annoying class mate. it is said to be radioactive but no one has ever Confirmed this theory.

Alchemical Formulae

Alchemy uses several formulae. This is placeholder text.

1 gallon of blood + 1 pinch story + (2 explosions/minute) = Michael Bay

(8 unlikely heroes + 1 effeminate villain + tedious dialouge + deus ex machina)/50 hours = Final Fantasy

my mate kyle, simmered at room temperature for 30 years + a university course = stephen fry

3 cups of water + a living bulldog = a wet dog

1 Bullet + 1 Gun + 2 people you dont like = A dilema

Planetary Metals

Several metals used in Alchemy were associated with planets because those planets are made entirely of their respective metals.

  • Image:Mercury symbol.png Quicksilver (Neal Stephenson, ISBN 0380977427)
  • Image:Venus symbol.png Copper (David Bowie)
  • Image:Sun symbol.pngImage:Sun symbol.png Gold (the Sun, page 3)
  • Image:Mars symbol.png Iron (Mars)
  • Image:Jupiter symbol.png Tin (Jupiter)
  • Image:Saturn symbol.png Lead (Saturn)
  • Image:Pluto symbol.png Plutonium (Pluto)
  • Image:Tatooine symbol.png Sand (Tatooine)
  • Image:Krypton symbol.png Kryptonite (Krypton)

This article uses material from the "Alchemy" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Cybernations

Up to date as of January 31, 2010

From the Cyber Nations Wiki, the wiki dedicated to the Cyber Nations Game.

Alchemy
Protectorate of the Mushroom Kingdom
 


Alchemy Official Flag

Alchemy Motto: The blending of the four elements to create a perfect harmony
Team Color Aqua
Founder(s) Archmage, Becks For Dinner, Kae Lee, King John Philos IV
Founded November 6, 2009
Cabinet
  • Archmage
    Minister of War
  • Becks For Dinner
    Minister of Internal Affairs
  • Kae Lee
    Minister of Finances
  • King John Philos IV
    Minister of Foreign Affairs
  • James III
    Aether

AllianceStats.gif Statistics as of 1/24/10

Total Nations 27
Active Nations 15
Percent Active 56%
Strength
560,596
30-day net gain
Avg. Strength 20,763
Nukes 144
Score 2.22
Important Links

Alchemy is an aqua team alliance currently protected by the Mushroom Kingdom.

Contents

History

On November 6 Alchemy announced both its existence and protectorate treaty with the Mushroom Kingdom.

On January 28, 2010 Alchemy declared war on UPN in support of the Random Insanity Alliance during the Second Unjust War. Following this Eclipsis declared war on Alchemy in support of their friends in UPN. In the end, white peace was declared for all involved.

Magnus Opus

Preamble

Alchemy is built upon the principle that active participation of all, with individual effort, initiative, and success, will bring about a force of strength and greatness. All current and future members agree to be bound by this document. Any loose interpretation of this document shall be decided by a majority Alchemist vote.

Section 1 - Government

I. Alchemist Founders

  • The Alchemists - The Alchemists hold complete sovereignty over all alliance decisions, may not be removed at any point, and are entirely equal in power and authority. Alliance decisions, including but not limited to, the admission and removal of members, the signing and cancellation of treaties, policies regarding alliance direction, or amendments to the Charter shall be determined by a majority vote of the Alchemists.
  • Ministerial Positions - The Alchemists shall each hold a Ministerial position, these being Finance, Foreign Affairs, Internal Affairs, and War. In the event an Alchemist deems it necessary, they may appoint a member to serve as Minister in their stead. Ministry appointment and retention are subject to majority Alchemist vote.

II. Elected and Appointed Positions

  • The Aether - At such a time the alliance reaches eleven members a vote shall be held to elect the Aether. Alchemists will be excluded from voting for the Aether. In the event of a tie the winner shall be decided by a majority vote of the Alchemists. Once elected the Aether shall have Alchemist level forum access and hold a vote equal to the other Alchemists. The Aether's term shall last for three months, and they may not run more than twice consecutively. The Aether shall not hold a Ministerial position. In the event that the Aether resigns or otherwise finds themselves unable to fulfill their duties, the Alchemists shall appoint the runner up in the last election.
  • Deputy Ministers – Deputy Ministers may be appointed at the discretion of the Ministers. Deputies will hold their positions until their Minister dismisses them or until they resign.
  • Additional Ministers – At such a time as the Alchemists deem it necessary there may be additional Ministerial positions and/or departments created to serve Alchemy.

III. Ministers

  • Minister of Finance - "Sex is like money; only too much is enough," John Updike in Couples (1968). The Minister of Finance is responsible for the financial wellbeing of Alchemy. These responsibilities include arranging tech deals, setting up trade circles, and organizing banking nations.
  • Minister of Foreign Affairs - “Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne,” Quentin Crisp. The Minister of Foreign Affairs is responsible for knowing the goings on of Bob, and keeping the membership informed about them. The Minister of Foreign Affairs is also the head of Alchemy’s diplomatic corps, and is given the authority to approve and remove Ambassadors from foreign alliances that wish to come onto Alchemy’s boards.
  • Minister of Internal Affairs - “A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice,” Bill Cosby. The Minister of Internal Affairs is responsible for all internal alliance dealings. These include notifying members of any change in their status, maintaining and organizing the forums, handling of administrative issues, creating a desirable atmosphere, and ensuring that the membership are respectful of one another and follow the rules and guidelines set forth by this Charter.
  • Minister of War - “Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons,” General MacArthur. The Minister of War is responsible for preparing all Alchemy nations for battle, organizing any military efforts, and leading the Tournament Edition alliance of Alchemy.

Section 2 - Membership

I. Admittance into Alchemy

Members will be required to register on the boards and submit an application subject to Alchemist approval; an interview is mandatory if you wish to be considered. Applicants shall:

  • Not be involved in any wars.
  • Not be a member of any other alliance.
  • Set their team color to Aqua. Color exemptions given with majority Alchemist vote.

II. Training

Once a member has been approved they will have 30 days to complete the training courses set forth by the Alchemists. Failure to complete these courses will result in a revocation of membership. Nations over 90 days old may receive an exemption from this requirement, subject to Alchemist review.

III. Expectations of Conduct

All members, regardless of their level of membership, are expected to conduct themselves in accordance with both the established charter and the spirit of Alchemy. Inappropriate conduct such as unauthorized wars (including tech raids), harassment, revealing the personal information of others, posting of explicit material, excessive foul language or any other offense deemed inappropriate as determined by the Alchemists are grounds for immediate expulsion.

  • No asshatery. Asshatery results in bannery.
  • While the freedom to say whatever you wish in Alchemy exists you must keep it respectful. Insults, inflammatory, or derogatory comments of any kind will be deleted and the member shall be warned, possibly expelled.

IV. Expulsion from Alchemy

Members are expected to uphold this Charter. If a member chooses to disregard the Charter or if the Alchemists no longer feel they represent the goals of the alliance, a vote shall take place to determine if the member should be expelled. Any Alchemist may initiate expulsion proceedings.

Section 3 - War and Peace

I. Individual Wars

No member of Alchemy may undertake any hostile action against another nation, including spy operations, without express orders and/or approval of the Alchemists or Minister of War. All members of Alchemy are entitled to defend themselves against hostile actions committed by foreign nations.

II. Alliance Wars

All decisions regarding alliance wars, including the decision to declare and subsequent decisions regarding peace and surrender terms, are solely those of the Alchemists. The Minister of War will preside over day to day military operations. An official declaration and concluding terms will be posted on the Cyber Nations Forums.

Section 4 – Disciplinary Action

Failure to uphold the items set forth in this Charter, or otherwise violating the spirit of the Charter, or Alchemy, will result in disciplinary action. Penalties are determined at the sole discretion of the Alchemists.

Section 5 – Amendments

Amendments to the Charter may be proposed and submitted by any member of Alchemy. Proposed amendments will be reviewed by the Alchemists for approval. All approved amendments, member proposed or otherwise, will be added to the Charter by the Alchemists.

Signed,

  • Archmage
  • Becks For Dinner
  • Kae Lee
  • King John Philos IV

See also

Significant Aqua Team Alliances
Current
ADI | AI | Alchemy | Aloha | Athens | Argent | Darkstar | Eldar | Fark | FH | Grämlins | GUN | ION2 | =LOST= | MHA | MK | NATO | RoK | TAB | TAR | TDO | OoJ
Defunct
ACF | ACV | ASC | BANG | Camelot | DoC | EPIC | Epic | Fly | FOUND | FPI | GoG | HotU | HP | ICON | ION1 | IPA | PoC | ROG | SAE | Sanctum | Shinra | TDSM8 | TAL | tR
Moved
AE | Olympus | Zenith
Currently sanctioned alliances are denoted by Bold Italicized Font.
Formerly sanctioned alliances are denoted by Bold Font.
Robertography Portal Main Page Nations | Teams | Alliances | Alliance Groups

This article uses material from the "Alchemy" article on the Cybernations wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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