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Uncyclopedia

Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

We're here for you.

Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. We have successfully cured over two million people in Canada and 47 in the United States of their terrible illness, addiction to alcohol.

But alcohol addiction isn't a disease. That's been proven many times over.

Sounds like somebody is in denial. Alcohol is the number one cause of death for people in cars.

Hey! You said "in cars"! That can't be a disease!

Yes it can. We're the experts. And we're here for you. Now, what's your name?

I'm John.

And?

And I'm not an alcoholic! I'm just here because of a court order on a bullshit DUI charge!

"Bullshit". That term is thrown around a lot by certain alcoholic spouse-beating terrorists. You don't want to be one of those, do you?

But I'm not an alcoholic!

Ah, the second stage is denial. Here, let me tell you about the stages of alcoholism.

Contents

The Stages of Alcoholism

See this? You in ten minutes if you don't accept our help.
  1. Drunkenness, resulting in a DUI or wife beating incident.
  2. Denial. The person will attempt to convince himself or herself that their addiction is not, in fact, real. This person says he is not an alcoholic, he is just a beeraholic.
  3. Anger. The subject will use physical violence against people who assert they have a problem.
  4. Bargaining. The subject will attempt to buy his/her way out of the hopeless situation. This, of course, is to no avail as nobody can escape alcoholism without our help. Nobody.
  5. Acceptance. At this stage, the subject finally comes to grips with the fact that nobody but us can help them with their disease.

But alcoholism isn't a disease!

Yes it is. Now, on to the twelve steps:

What the fuck! Twelve steps? That's the biggest bunch of bullshit I've heard in my life!

Sounds like someone is at stage three...

The Twelve Steps to Recovery

There are twelve easy steps to recovery from alcoholism.

Step 1: Give us money

The subject must give us, Alcoholics Anonymous, $1000 to help cover the cost of us saving you from going to Hell.

But I'm an Atheist! I don't believe in Hell!

Sounds like someone hasn't found Jesus. Luckily, that's step Two.

Step 2: Find Jesus

Have you let him in your life yet?

You must find Jesus, so he can spare your soul. Alcoholics are condemned to a life in Hell, even if they quit drinking. Alcoholics are reserved for the thirteenth circle of Hell, right along wifebeaters and terrorists.

Please refer to Jesus as either "Higher Power" or "My Doorknob' when you do this step, or the spell won't work.

That makes no sense! Please, I'll pay you the money, just let me go!

Sounds like somebody is at Step Four.

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Uh oh, back to step three again. On to the third step.

Jesus Christ! Let me go!!!

Uh oh. You said Jesus... You should have said doorknob. Go back to step one and do not collect two hundred dollars.

Step 3: Pour out all your alcohol

This one is simple. Simply pour out all your alcoholic beverages in your house. To assist your recovery, sign your house over to us so we can make absolutely sure you have truly gotten rid of all alcohol. That includes listerine.

Fuck no! I'm not signing my house over to you jackasses!

That's ok. We'll get to that later.

Step 4: Coming to Meetings

Think of Alcoholics Anonymous as a family, not a court-ordered one-hour a week pain in the ass.

Each meeting requires a $50 cover charge, and refreshments are $15 each. In each meeting, each person will say how many days they've been sober. Let's demonstrate with our newest member. John, if you please...

I don't want to do it!

That's too bad. The courts say you have to.

Fine. My name's John, and I've been sober for three years.

Now we all know that's a lie, don't we group?

But it's not! I wasn't drunk when I got the DUI! I haven't had alcohol since my wedding night!

Usually, right before Stage Four (bargaining), there's lying to attempt to cover up the fact that the subject has a problem.

What the hell is wrong with you people? I was NOT drinking. Plus, I thought I was at Stage Four before!

Sure you weren't.

But I wasn't! It was cocaine! Listen, I'll pay you the thousand bucks! Just let me go!

And there you have it, Bargaining.

Step 5: Take a personal inventory

The next step is to take an inventory of everything you have that could possible remind you of alcohol. This includes all computers, televisions, radios, valuable paintings, and money you own. In order to truly separate yourself from alcohol and its influences, you have to give all of these things to the leader of your local AA chapter. Only this will enable you to be cured.

I dunno, that sounds like a scam to me...

Listen, do you want to be saved or not?

God. The only way you jerks are going to let me leave is if I say I'm a drunk. Fine, "I'm an alcoholic."

He admitted it! John has made astounding progress.

Fine, can I go to my car for a second?

Sure, but make sure not to get any liquor, we don't want you beating your wife anymore.

But I don't... urgh.

Five minutes later:

Cure THIS, mother fuckers!!

Jesus Fucking Christ, he's got a gun!

Image:Blood Spatter.jpg

Step 6: Relapse

No one ever actually ever reaches the evasive state of so-called "serenity" that some of our more indoctrinated oldtimers push on newcomers. The result is always relapse. We believe that if we can stress you out enough, during the brainwashing process, you'll eventually become so sick of drinking that nothing in the world could cause you to drink. If this happens while you are wallowing in fear and self-doubt you'll probably believe that we helped you to quit. Please try not to tell our newcomers about the sixth step... It's only a suggestion after all. ...

Step 7: Profit?

We usually get money at this point. This is just a suggestion though. Unless each alcoholic surrenders his/her money to our silly little cult.... er... um... club I mean, Unless they surrender they will almost certainly die a horrible death caused by the spiritual plague.

Testimonials

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Killing that guy was the best thing I've ever done! I'm cured! I'll never do cocaine again. Killing's my drug of choice! Now, off to Mexico. The cops are after me.

See Also

This article was featured on 17 March 2007. Click here to see the featured version.

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This article uses material from the "Alcoholics Anonymous" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Wackypedia

Up to date as of February 07, 2010

From Wackypedia

Hello Bob Jenkins, you know Bob Jenkins everyone, HE'S THE LOSER WHO LIVES IN A PECKHAM COUNCIL ESTATE WITH HIS WIFE AND VARIOUS S.T.D's. WELL HE DID UNTIL HIS WIFE KICKED HIM OUT SO NOW HOW HE SLEEPS ROUGH NEXT TO A PUB. THIS MIGHT EXPLAIN WHY HE WAKES UP COVERED IN URINE AND IS ADDICTED TO BOOZE AND BEATS HIS CHILDREN! Don't mention any of this by the way. We're here to help.

~ Barry Scott Welcoming Bob Jenkins to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting

Alcoholics Anonymous is a trap set by the roaming cannibals of London in order to catch easy prey. Whilst in a drunken stupor, alcoholic members of the general pubic are lured down into a back alley by a beer bottle tied onto a fishing line. This is quite amusing to watch as the drunk attempts to get the bottle as it is snatched out of reach just in time by a cannibal wearing Spiderman pyjamas. This star quality of the plan has helped the trap remain unknown to the police as they will just roar with laughter at the doomed prey and sometimes slap parking tickets on their passing rectums.

Once the prey has been transported back to the pride of cannibals (a giant spiderweb in innercity London with naked Jews seated attentively around the edges) the doomed drunkard will be slapped repeatedly whilst revolving slowly at gas mark 7. After the prey has cried the cannibals feast on their victim. They won't need to eat for another week.

Adventure | Alcoholics Anonymous | Gh

This article uses material from the "Alcoholics Anonymous" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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