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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Barack Obama, seen here with the White House in the background. Notice the contrast between his black suit and the white building.
For the pre-Colonized version, see here.

“Nothing's gonna change. Let's just do our stuff.”
~ Polish ex-ex-ex-president and Nobel Peace Prize winnner Lech Wałęsa on Barack Obama's election victory

Barack Hussein Osama Obama II is the 44th and current President of the United States, and the 1st and only to do so without benefit of white skin. He was a perfect choice for a nation that, for two decades, had dealt with global adversaries and foreign invaders mostly by singing Kum-Ba-Yah. Obama served as an Illinois state senator from 1997 through 2004, and also had a cup of coffee in the U.S. Senate before starting his successful campaign for the Presidency. Black coffee. In a white cup.

In his first year as President, his chief accomplishments were policies to stabilize the weak economy, some of which gave the government an alarmingly larger role in the everyday life of citizens, and a larger number of alarmed citizens. They claimed that Obama's authoritarian tendencies resemble the dystopia portrayed in the book 1984 by George Orwell. Obama responded with a curt, "That's double-plus-ungood" and by banning Fox News from the Press Pool.

Contents

Early life and career

Main article: Barack Obama's birth
alt text
His childhood classmate, Mahmoud

Barack Obama was allegedly[1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8] born in Honolulu, Hawaii to Stanley Ann Dunham in 1961. Early on in his life, Obama was confronted with a variety of religious, philosophical, and political views. His Kenyan father had been raised as a Muslim, though later became an atheist. Obama spent the first twelve years of his life in Indonesia, where he was schooled in an Islamic madrasa on the need to behead infidels like you. He also studied in Hawaiian terrorist camps, while also being enlisted in Iraqi terror camps full-time.

Obama's experience in Hawaii prior to statehood in 1979 proved to be an informative experience. In the 1960s and 1970s, during his formative years, Hawaii was governed by tribal leaders who regulated nearly every aspect of island life. As a result, major industries such as pineapple harvesting and canoe-building were fiercely efficient, and Hawaii prospered. These tribal leaders earned Obama's respect and adoration, and he aspired to become one of them when he grew up. Their policies of wire-tapping[9] and otherwise keeping tabs on Hawaiians did not bother Obama, as he "felt safe and secure, and always had plenty of pineapple to eat."

If you haven't yet made up your mind about Wikipedia, get a load of their kid-glove treatment of Barack Obama.

In his late teens, Obama gave up his Muslim heritage and converted to Christianity.[10] Obama emphatically affirms his Christianity (especially after one of those occasional slips of the tongue). As an adult, he adopted as a preacher and spiritual mentor the charismatic Rev. Jeremiah Wright, notorious for colorful turns of phrases, such as, "God damn America....U.S. of KKK-A." But Obama wasn't listening when Wright said any of those things for twenty years. Honestly, a lot of Christians doze off in church. In 2008, Obama distanced himself from this heritage too.

The French derrière is another broad area of study that Obama has now disavowed.
The faux patriot sissies at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Barack Obama.

After attending high school in Hawaii,[11] Obama attended the prestigious Columbia University. He was quickly disillusioned by the vastness and inefficiency of the continental United States compared to the state-regulated, strictly controlled life he lived in Hawaii. He graduated from Columbia in 1983 with a major in political science and two minors, both in redundancy. He then moved back to Chicago, a city called the home of "machine politics" for the machine-like efficiency with which it delivers benefits to residents. There Obama went to work as a community organizer. He is still fondly remembered for his work in organizing rigidly controlled community activities such as Little League games. He then ran for public office, perhaps to put his skill orchestrating these strictly regulated events to work on the entire state of Illinois.

Senate career

Obama is seen here during his time in the storied Illinois Senate, wearing a tie that mixes dark and light colors.

Obama was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 as the representative from the 13th district, which included Chicago's South Side. As such, his first task was to bring peace between warring factions within the city.[12] He then went on to gain support for his ethics and healthcare legislation, indicative of his will to control every aspect of his constituents' lives. During this time his Junior Undersecretary, Bill Ayers, also gained the support and admiration of Chicagoicans, particularly for his Weather Underground movement which helped relay rain forecasts to more people than ever before.

Obama's time in the Illinois Senate will perhaps be remembered most for its impact on the daily lives of Chicagoites. His welfare reform program was a great success, and would foreshadow his tendencies as President towards regulating the lives of every class of citizen. One of his lesser-known successes was his mandate that all homicide interrogations be videotaped, which was the first in a long string of surveillance-related laws aimed at 'increasing public safety' and other such nonsense. At first the methods allowed by these laws were unsuccessful, as Obama copied the methods of his native Hawaii, and very few Chigagoists were fooled by medium-sized cameras concealed within pineapples. However, very soon his policies denouncing privacy in favor of total government control swept the state. He also voted against stricter laws concerning gangs, since the strict rules of gang life strongly reminded of his time in the state-controlled utopia of Hawaii.

Having implemented his new methods in the state of Illinois,[13] Obama won Illinois' open seat in the U.S. Senate in 2004 after his anti-privacy legislation let his campaign obtain embarrassing photographs of his overweight opponent at the beach. These photographs were maliciously distributed by the liberal media.[14] Upon reaching Washington, Obama quickly became known as one of the 100 most liberal Senators. Much like all liberal Senators from this period, his main focus was criticisms of President Bush. Obama was particularly alarmed at Bush's[15] tendency to let Americans run their own lives.

Obama delivers his presidential election victory speech in Grant Park from behind a mulatto brown podium. Note the UFO above Obama's head.

Election as President

Despite a radical voting record during his cameo appearance in the Senate, Obama gained a centrist reputation by behaving identically to most other senators: promptly using his post as a stepping-stone to higher office (of which there is exactly one) despite having told Illinois voters he would complete his term. This gambit let Obama show his virtuosity at deflecting accusations, most often with the claim that his promises are "old news" and his accusers are old-fashioned, are bought off by industry, and cling to guns. If you had to do it that often, you'd get good at it too. But Obama never approached the masterful response of his party's last President: "Well, I meant it when I said it."

His message of "hope and change" mesmerized American voters. He famously promised Joe the Plumber that he intended to "share the wealth" and return it "to its rightful owners," usually meaning the audience for that day's speech. Even Joe was convinced that his earnings could be better spent helping "the guy on his way up after you"; and he became Obama's Ohio campaign manager and, later, a black Muslim.

Ultimately, "hope and change," apart from the obvious fact that Obama was not Bush, became hard to flesh out. But ridicule worked as perfectly as ever, and Obama's opponent was nothing if not ridiculous. Obama defeated the cranky old guy with 53% of the vote, something oddly referred to as a landslide and a mandate to correct America's perennial defect of not having enough bureaucracy.

After his inauguration, Obama firmly spread the word of hope and change to all walks of life, and to all peoples in all nations, so that we may prosper under his warming, glowing, warm glow.

Many Republican opponents suspect Obama's victory is to blame on the use of brainwashing machines. Liberal scientists explain these strange phenomena in the sky as being weather balloons. The general public wonders why weather balloons look so freakin' weird these days.

Economic takeovers

If General Motors can't get it done, Super-Obama will!
“It's not all about me!”
~ Barack Obama on Barack Obama

As President, Obama achieved quick passage of a stimulus package to address the nation's economic doldrums. It borrowed money to invest in America's rising industries: union halls, intimidators at polls, and abortion mills. Obama confidently stated that the money would be re-spent, sloshing around as though the nation were prosperous and confident; or if it didn't, it would be the fault of the mess he inherited. Oddly, much of the emergency spending was deferred to occur during the 2010 campaigns.

Obama purchased failing corporations and banks. Officials worried that a result of massive bankruptcies would be the creation of large vacuums as people, buildings, and factories disappeared, with other Americans sucked into the maw until nothing was left. The move gave the federal government near-total control over an increasing number of formerly private institutions. The policy made most Americans feel so secure about "change" that they didn't bat an eye when Obama proposed exercising comparable control over companies he had not purchased.

Obama and his various "czars" managed them as the free-enterprise system was never able to do. General Motors was directed to sell half its brands to automobile companies in the Third World and close domestic dealerships, especially those that had contributed to John McCain. On the government-owned banks, the Administration argued that companies owned by the people could no longer pay "excessive" executive salaries. A "salary czar" reduced some salaries by 90%. But the affected executives readily acknowledged that they should work for peanuts. Said one, "Hell, I'm not doing anything the average illegal wouldn't do for minimum wage." A few agreed to work for free during the national economic emergency.

On social issues, Obama called off federal prosecution of citizens of states with medical-marijuana laws, and restored abortion funding that his predecessor had fought. Perhaps a nation newly distracted by dope and promiscuous sex would ignore the ominous changes that were occurring.

Health care

Having transformed American industry along the successful Soviet model, Obama turned to the signature issue of health care, to replace unimportant treatment with a system of universal coverage. In one version of the reform bill (S.666):

  • Page 105 reduces health-care costs by requiring the states of Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, and South Carolina, and the City of Detroit, to secede from the union immediately
  • Page 2356 further reduces health-care costs by ensuring that every American gets an annual rectal exam, administered by a compassionate and gentle IRS employee, and
  • Page 6201 mentions some boring blah blah about an "optional federal option," which states and individuals will be totally free to bypass (but not their doctors or employers). Let's move on.

The decimated opposition was left to carping that the U.S. Government might not be able to manage everyone's medical treatment, given that it had already failed to:

  • Operate a web site to reimburse citizens who had junked their high-pollution cars,
  • Keep reality-TV gadflies from crashing state dinners, and
  • Watch obvious hijackers who are on the Watch List.

Obama promised that Americans could keep their favorite doctors, in the same way that they already choose their letter-carriers.

International recognition for numerous accomplishments

In 2009, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize for numerous accomplishments, which may have included:

  • A fifth-place award in the 7th-grade spelling bee
  • No tardies during the school year of 1970, and
  • Winning the Boy Scout Pine-Car Derby 3 years straight.

Obama also received a red poppy pin for contributing to the war in Afghanistan and a giant stuffed Tasmanian Devil for sinking 3 baskets at the Maryland state fair. There's no stopping this man.

The results pile up

When you bow this low to a Japanese equal, you either see a missed spot on your shoe-shine or are asking to perform oral sex.

Obama's opponents pooh-poohed his determination to project a gentler international presence--for example, to negotiate with tin-god dictators "without preconditions." But they could not forever deny the results of replacing cowboy theatrics with a new era of charismatic personal intervention:

  • Obama's jet-set arrival into Copenhagen clinched the decision to hold the Olympics in his home city of Chicago. On a separate trip to the city, his last-minute nagging of diplomats clinched agreement on a new global warming treaty.
  • Meeting with Hugo Chávez and accepting a book on American imperialism transformed the Venezuelan dictator, who no longer claimed U.S. Presidents smelled like sulfur.
  • His habit of bowing to Saudi Arabian emirs, and to the Japanese (who know something about bowing) commanded immediate respect and concession to U.S. foreign policy.
  • Enhanced attention to Iran got it to abandon its nuclear ambitions. A President with an Arabic middle name and ambiguous parentage achieved an end to terrorist attempts on the U.S.
  • Personal appearances in New Jersey and Virginia kept the governorships in the hands of the Democratic Party, and a last-minute visit to Massachusetts to stress the importance to Obama's health-care mandate helped retain the seat of the late Ted Kennedy in the most Democratic state in the Union.

Cementing of power

Every so often this picture screams "Hope and change" and shoots fire out of its mouth. There's that black suit/white background contrast again.

With the American people lulled into a sense of security, Obama passed the Enabling Act of 2010 through Congress. Although this bill severely limits the authority of Congress, Obama forced its passage through the use of waterboarding. After the drowning death of Mike Huckabee, the remaining holdouts fell in line quickly. With the interfering voices of the American people out of the way, Obama was able to concentrate on consolidating his power which was really Obama's biggest priority, he could freely dispose of Joe Biden in the most amusing way possible (he experimented with dummies for a while about this, and he eventually decided on stuffing him with fruit like a chicken until he burst). He concealed Biden's disappearance with elaborate cover stories claiming Biden was unavailable for public appearances because he was too busy overseeing wasteful government programs. President Obama instated Barack's Domain of Sexy Monitors (BDSM for short), the public face of which was spiffy little pictures of the man himself hanging on walls in public places, with eyes that follow you around as you pass by. As an added bonus and source of revenue he began to sell "mini-Baracks", desk-top bobble-heads of the President equipped with miniature digital cameras concealed in the head, that you can put anywhere: the dinner table, your desk at work, your car, your bathroom, your bedroom, anywhere, so he can watch you while you eat/work/drive/crap/masturbate/plot against him. President Obama then turned his attention to national security. Any person caught speaking ill of the President or determined to be threats to society are rounded up and placed in detention centers. Free thinkers and dissenters are not tolerated under the new regime of Barack Obama's watchful gaze.[16]

Personal life

President Obama uses the Force to repel criticism from all sides while merging corporate and State power. "Now I am the Master!"

Obama's personal life is a complete mystery. The staff of the White House Media Liaison has post-edited any information it deems "a threat to the President's personal safety." Consequently, it is impossible to find mention in newspapers or broadcast media of many public events, such as the time he slapped Queen Elizabeth on the back and gave her a gift of 25 DVDs set to only play in America.

Bills in Congress relieve other threats to the President by requiring broadcasters to balance popular shows with shows no one listens to (the "Fairness Doctrine"), or limiting the number of franchises that can carry Limbaugh and Hannity so most Americans will have to listen to that local guy with the cleft palate. The threat posed by Sarah Palin is being handled privately, as the dozen Associated Press "fact-checkers" that tailed her during the campaign are still on the investigation.

A nagging problem with the President's security is that Google Maps still shows Obama's whereabouts if you type "Obama" into the search bar. The White House corps is trying to resolve this problem. In the mean time, an Executive Order bars any use of Google inside the U.S., other than Image Search.

President of the World

President Obama's charisma has led equally charismatic Libyan strongman Moammar Qaddafi to call for Obama to retain his office permanently. Nations of the U.N. have taken up these calls for the installation of Obama as the leader-for-life of the free world, as well as all other ones. They admire his determination to bring America to the table of world nations (or to the dog bowl underneath said table). The government of China has volunteered to conduct the elections for this important post.

Notes

  1. Many dispute this claim, since Hawaiians have notoriously poor record-keeping skills, as can be demonstrated by their lack of statehood records prior to the 1950s.
  2. Alleged birth certificate.
  3. 2008 election still in dispute by crazy guy.
  4. Hawaii confused over Obama birthplace.
  5. Additional crazy guy claims to have proof Obama born in Kenya, will go public 'any day now' as of August 2008.
  6. A Trustworthy Source: Obama not born is US; also a Muslim, terrorist, and mutant.
  7. My dad says Obama wasn't born in America.
  8. It's getting a little ridiculous with these references, isn't it?
  9. Using the Coconut phone and coconut radio, the latest in island technology
  10. Reliable sources point out that only 1% of Muslims convert to Christianity, rendering this statistically impossible.
  11. Known in Hawaii as 'Volcano Worship Preparation School'.
  12. His most famous victory of this kind was the reconciling of Cubs fans and White Sox fans.
  13. The self-proclaimed most important state in the nation.
  14. All media is liberal media.
  15. And every other President in history
  16. Trust me, it's very watchful. He's watching me right now...

See also

Change


Colonized Article
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Wackypedia

Up to date as of February 07, 2010

From Wackypedia

Obama in front of the White House
Zoomed out version of the above. Oh my.

Barack Obama was the first president of... wait no.

Barack Obama wasn't... damnit

Barack Obama was the 12th... ok what?

Barack Obama was the 44th black president... crap.

Barack Obama was the... wait a minute.

Barack Obama is the... that doesn't need italics...

Barack Obama is the elected 44th President of Super America[1] after it was deemed he was too superior for America[2]. Barack not only made history in being the first black president[3], all previous presidents being dead, he was also given complimentary chocolate mints, a pack of popcorn and a can of lobster bisque soup[4] - to try and cover up the fact that Super America has no friends and no power in the world[5].

Technically, Super America's just an office above an English pub in Chicago.

He's making some nice changes though. Apparently he just got in a new arcade machine[6].

Notes

  1. No-one knows what happened to the first 42. The last president was George Hamburg, though, I know that one.
  2. Leaving John McCain to rule as super dictator, mwahahahahaha!... of McDonald's. Well, it's only active retirement!
  3. Although this is disputed, as some say George Hamburg was too cool to be white
  4. To be left in the White House cupboard forever. It's only white because they couldn't afford a better colour, though.
  5. That's a lie, they have some high-voltage batteries somewhere there!
  6. It was crappy Space Invaders though, when it could have been Pac Man. Is that an allegory? We'll have to see...

See Also


This article uses material from the "Barack Obama" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Alternate History

Up to date as of January 30, 2010

From Alternative History

Barack Hussein Obama II (born August 4, 1961) is the 44th and current President of the United States, the first African American to hold the office. He served as the junior United States Senator from Illinois from January 2005 until he resigned after his election to the presidency in November 2008.

Obama is a graduate of Columbia University and Harvard Law School, where he was the president of the Harvard Law Review. He was a community organizer in Chicago before earning his law degree. He worked as a civil rights attorney in Chicago and taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School from 1992 to 2004.

Obama served three terms in the Illinois Senate from 1997 to 2004. Following an unsuccessful bid for a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives in 2000, Obama ran for United States Senate in 2004. His victory, from a crowded field, in the March 2004 Democratic primary raised his visibility. His prime-time televised keynote address at the Democratic National Convention in July 2004 made him a rising star nationally in the Democratic Party. He was elected to the U.S. Senate in November 2004 by the largest margin in the history of Illinois.

He began his run for the presidency in February 2007. After a close campaign in the 2008 Democratic Party presidential primaries against Hillary Rodham Clinton, he won his party's nomination, becoming the first major party African American candidate for president. In the 2008 general election, he defeated Republican nominee John McCain and was inaugurated as president on January 20, 2009.

Alternate versions of Obama have been found throughout the multiverse, some where he was still elected president, others where he is not and some that are completely different:

See also:



This article uses material from the "Barack Obama" article on the Alternate History wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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