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Up to date as of February 05, 2010
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From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Barney. Image from his campaign website:
Barnsworth Peter Frank, Jr., better known as Barney, is the 2008 Green Party Presidential nominee. Most political observers consider him to be running an extremely long-shot campaign; he polls extremely poorly in head-to-head scenarios against both John McCain and Barack Obama. However, some have suggested that his moderately popular foreign policy views could push the Democratic Party to the left, much as Ralph Nader did in 2000.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Barney Frank.


Primary Election

Barney's victory in the Green Party primary election was seen as a major upset, especially after blistering attacks from rivals Cynthia McKinney, a six-term Congresswoman from Georgia, and Josh "Cheetos" Cheever, a drug dealer from Berkeley, California who sells dime bags of marijuana but won't touch cocaine because, as he says, "Dude, I don't mess with that chemical shit." Both McKinney and Cheever accused Barney of having a hopelessly naive view of foreign policy after he advocated dissolving the Department of Homeland Security and replacing it with a new Department of Hugs.

Barney, posing with several of his supporters. These kids are fucking baked.
In a much-publicized speech, Barney responded to the allegations by saying, "McKinney and Cheever are engaging in the politics of personal destruction. It is time for America to move beyond petty one-upsmanship. America, I love you. And you love me. We are all one happy family. With a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too?"

Despite this critically-acclaimed and inspirational speech, Barney was not expected to do well in the primary election. Polls showed that his strongest demographic was children aged two to five; the Green Party does not allow minors to participate in their primaries. Conventional wisdom is that winning the Green Party nomination is all about capturing the key "twenty-three year olds who do not own shoes" demographic. Observers were stunned, then, when Barney captured the nomination in an unprecedented landslide, with exactly one hundred percent of the vote.

Newsweek recently ran a poll trying to determine the reason for Barney's massive upset. They interviewed one Chester Hannover, a seventh-year senior at UNLV. Hannover explained his vote for Barney thusly: "I saw the ballot and I was all like, 'Whoa, holy shit, Barney! Get out of here, man! You're fucking with me! Whoa, dude.. that's fucking crazy, man. Barney's on the ballot! Duuuuuude!!'"

Newsweek attempted to determine whether Hannover's reasoning was typical, but they were unable to locate another Green party member who had ever voted.

Controversial Policies

Barney can get very competitive.
Barney's position on Federal subsidies for ethanol has raised some eyebrows. When questioned on the issue, he responded, "That's a no-no! Let's all drink orange juice instead!"

Critics have argued that this response betrayed a fundamental lack of understanding of the issue. However, other pundits have noted that while his response has made him extremely unpopular in states such as Iowa and Nebraska, it may actually help him in the battleground state of Florida.

Barney committed another serious gaffe when a reporter asked him what he would do if we were to find Osama bin Laden. He responded, "I'd say to him, Boy, Oh Boy! I'm so glad you came to play today! We can play games and have lots of fun with music!" This response has been interpreted, especially by Evangelicals, as unacceptably soft on terrorism.

Running Mate

A STRANGE ALLIANCE: Buchanan strongly disapproves of Barney's "Hugs and Cookies for Undocumented Workers" program.
Barney nearly caused a rift in the Green Party with his early insistence that his running mate be one "Baby Bop," a "dark horse" candidate with absolutely no political experience. Recently, however, he gave into party demands and selected Pat Buchanan as his running mate.

Buchanan, when asked why he would accept the appointment despite agreeing with Barney on absolutely no issues whatsoever, said simply "I just really want to be President before I die. And I'm getting so goddamn old."

Buchanan is expected to significantly boost Barney's support in the American South. Of course, as one pundit observed, boosting Barney's support in the American South is "basically multiplying zero by a very large number."

However, Barney's campaign manager, Tom Thompson, points out that Barney is not without support in the Bible Belt: "He's very popular with Creationists. They consider him living proof that dinosaurs and humans walked the earth at the same time. They also approve of his stance on premarital sex." Asked to clarify Barney's stance on premarital sex, Thompson responded, "He doesn't know what that is."

Prospects for 2008

Online bookie Bodog Sportbook offers 950/1 odds that Barney will win the 2008 general election. In other words, if you bet $1,053 on Barney's candidacy, you will be a millionaire. Think about it: Movie stars! Swimming pools! However, it should be noted as a point of reference that Bodog recently offered 75/1 odds that Britney Spears will receive a Ph.D. in Molecular Biology.

George Stephanopoulos recently offered one of the most damning appraisals of Barney's candidacy; when asked about it by Sean Hannity, he responded, "Who? What?"

It does not appear that Barney has a realistic shot of ascending to the Presidency. It is possible, however, that his candidacy will play a key role in George W. Bush winning a third term in 2008.

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Barney Frank is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.

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Up to date as of February 07, 2010

From Wackypedia

Noted historians and conspiracy theorists believe that Barney the Dinosaur is in fact the Anti-Christ spoken of in the Bible (Revelation 13:18 - "This calls for wisdom: let him who has understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man, its number is six hundred and sixty six").

This can be proved using the following simple logic: When the verse in Revelation was written, Latin was the dominant language. The Roman alphabet contained also the Roman numerals for the time. The letter equivalents are:

I = 1 V = 5 X = 10 L = 50 C = 100 D = 500 M = 1000

"Barney the Dinosaur" = "Cute Purple Dinosaur".
Latin did not have a "u", instead the letter "v" is used. This now becomes:
"CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR" .... dropping non-numbered letters, we are left with:
This is the equivalent of 100 + 5 + 5 + 50 + 500 + 1 + 5 = 666

Irrefutable proof that Barney the Dinosaur is the Anti-Christ!!


What the beast looks like

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Nefarious Plots

Proof of his evilness has been found. His theme song is:

I love you,
You love me'
We're a happy family
With a great big kiss and hug
From me to you
Won't you say you love me to?

Backwards, it is:

uoy evol I
em evol ouy
ylimaf yppah a erew
guh dna ssik gib taerg a htiw
uoy ot em morf
oot em evol uoy yas uoy tnow

Written down it looks like nonsense. But when it is sung backwards, it sounds like this:

Ooh, evil eye
I'm evil, ooh
Eely Mafia power
Goodness is sick, give target, ew!
Ooh, atom-morph
Ooh, them evil, ooh, yes, ooh, now....

Anti-Barney Songs

Joy To The World The Big Man's Dead

(Sung to the tune of "Joy To The World")

Joy to the world
That Barney's dead
We barbecued his head!
What happened to his body?
We flushed it down the potty
Round and round it goes where the diarrhea flows
Round and round and round it goes!
Five years later, chewin' on his underwear
Wish he had another pair
Eaten by a polar bear!
Chewin' on his underwear
Nine years later, had another barbecue
I had to go to the restroom
I run up the stairs and look in the toilet
And there was Barney's head!
Joy to the world
That Barney's dead
We barbecued his head!
What happened to his body?
We flushed it down the potty
Round and round it goes like Indiana Jones
We watched it go round and round!

I Hate You

(Sung to the tune of "This Old Man")

I hate you
You hate me
Let's tie Barney to a tree
With an M16 and a pistol full of lead
We just shot off Barney's head
I hate you
You hate me
Let's team up and kill Barney
With an M16, I shot him in the head
Let's watch as the floor turns red
I hate you
You hate me
Barney gave you H.I.V.
So we punched him in the balls and shot him in the head
Now that purple thing is dead
I hate you
You hate me
Lets all go and kill Barney
With a baseball batie
And a Four-by-Four
No more purple dinosaur
I hate you
You Hate Me
Let's tie Barney to a tree!
I'll get the match,
You get the gasoline,
Light the match and watch him scream.
I hate you
You hate me
We're a racist family
So let's kill that big, fat freak they call Barney
Then we will be more happy
I hate you, 
You hate me
Let's hang Barney from a tree
With a knife, and a gun, and a bullet through his head
Till that purple thing is dead
I hate you, 
You hate me
The ratel army killed Barney
With a gun and a tank and 12 atomic bombs
We're all glad that Barney's gone
I hate you,
You hate me
Lets tie Barnie to a tree
Stab him in the back shoot him in the head
Now the purple thing is dead
I hate you,
You hate me
Barney's taken ecstasy
There you see him,lying on the floor
No more purple dinosaur
I hate you,
You hate me
I saw Godzilla kill Barney
With a fire blast that retard then hit the floor
No more stupid dinosaur
I hate you,
You hate me
Barney's stung by a killer bee
And now he's lying dead across the floor
No more purple dinosaur
I hate you,
You hate me
Let's be friends and kill Barney
With a shotgun *BANG BANG*
Barney on the floor
No more purple dinosaur

I hate you,
You hate me
But let's get together and KILL Barney
With a great big bazooka 
We blow off his head
Sorry kids but Barney's dead

On Top of Old Oakey

(Sung to the tune of "On Top Of Old Smokey")

On Top of a old oakey
All covered in blood
I shot evil Barney
With a .500 stud
I went to his fun'ral
I went to his grave
Some people threw flowers
I threw a grenade
Now Sorry for Barney
all covered in red
And now you can all see
that Barney is dead
I dug up the body
and cloned the remains
And just for the pleasure
I killed him again

Deck the Halls

(A violent Christmas favorite)

Deck the Halls with bloody dino
See the nuke charge like a rhino
Barney's dead on Christmas day right
Now There's nothing left to say right
Evil mind controller's gone
His remains lay on the lawn
Now the world is safe again
No more counting one through ten
Barney's evil scheme is ruined
Now the studio is suin'
Oops! They ran out in less than an hour
Barney has lost all his power
Deck the halls with heads of Barney
Serves him right for being crummy
Now let's sing this song again
This song shall never end
* Repeat

Barney and Friends Theme Song (sung to the tune of Yankee Doodle)

Barney was a dinosaur
from our imagination,
Put him in the microwave,
He'll die from radiation!
Barney was a dinosaur
From our imagination,
He stuck a pencil up his arse
And died from constipation!

Jingle Bells

(Another violent Christmas favorite)

Dashing through the snow
On a pair of broken skis
Downhill Barney goes
Crashing into trees
The snow is turning red
We think he's almost dead
Now let's go get a two-by-four and hit him on the head
Jingle Bells, shotgun shells
Purple dino's dead
We struck him with a two-by-four
And shot him in the head
Baby Bop, Baby Bop
Tried to save his life
But an action man from Pakistan
Stabbed her with a knife

Row Your Boat

(Especially fun around the campfire)

Row, row, row, your boat
gently down the stream
Push Barney overboard
And listen to him scream
Five days later
he rose from the dead
took a 12-gauge shotgun
and blew off his head


(Just for fun!)

A, B, C, D, E, F, G
Barney is my enemy!
Hit 'im with a piece of lead
Now we know that Barney's dead!
Now you know I hate Barney
Next time won't you sing with me!

Take Me Out to Kill Barney

(To the tune of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"

Take me out to kill Barney
Take me out to his show
Get me a gun and a baseball bat
I don't care if it takes too slow
And we'll shoot, shoot, shoot, to kill Barney
Until he hits the floor
For it's one, two, three, gunshots wounds
No more purple dinosaur

See also


It is discovered that Barney has been slain multiple times by the Frigglejockom. Usually FIRIN' HIS LAZOR on him.

This article uses material from the "Barney" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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