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Bea Arthur: Wikis

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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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~ Oscar Wilde on first meeting Bea Arthur
See: Hands and mannishness, fear Bergen!

Bea Arthur (January 7, 1932 – July 9, 2010) was an accomplished American actor, singer and German stormtrooper. Born Arthur Monterey Clifford-Bramstock IV in South Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, she was a sexually precocious child, touching many people's bottoms and engaging in unspeakable acts with scrambled eggs. But it wasn't until the young slut reached adulthood that she began to really feel like she was mature enough to do the whole 'acting' thing. Thus, her acting career was begun. A voracious reader of Shakespeare, she practised at home, memorising lines such as "Now is the winter of our discontent made glourious basterds by this sons of bitches" to the delight of the crowds.

Bea subsisted on a diet of bark, eucalyptus and other plant sap in her early years, relying on such things as the nodules of paper-bark trees and the watery innards they provided, instead of a mother's teat as a normal small baby would.Harry davies


Early fears

A painting of Bea Arthur...fighting velociraptors?!

By age fifteen Bea had fought in various wars and campaigns with the French Foreign Legion, also fighting in the Rhodesian conflict in 1981, and in the following year fighting with the British forces in the Falklands campaign, most noticeably at the battle for Goose Green for which she was awarded a Victoria Cross.

During the Iran-Contra affair, Bea came under heavy scrutiny when Oliver North testified about her role in the incident. North claimed Bea had seduced the Ayatollah, which led to a sex scandal and a backlash against the USA by the people of Iran. Bea responded by castrating North using her teeth.

Visions of Reality

In 1612 Bea fought Mega-Jesse Owens at the Nazi Olympics, where she Dutch-rubbed him into submission over a barbecue of honey-basted hams and corn. She thoroughly beat his ass and won gold to the delight of all(elderly) black(and white) people. She was presented the gold medal by Uncle Tom and Aunt Jemima (because they were both old peoples as well).

Many years later conflict would erupt on the set of The Golden Girls When Estelle Getty, who played Sofia Petrillo, acknowledged to Bea her many years relationship with Mega-Jesse Owens.

Arthur in her younger Broadway days

Mostly known for her mannish figure and gigantic hands, She is also known for fighting for the elderly races rights in her ground breaking anti-ageist docu-drama The Golden Girls.

In the 1970s, Bea flirted with politics, when she began to date Enrico Salazar, fascist dictator of the island nation of Salazore. The controversial politics of Arthur caused friction in Hollywood, and she butted heads with Ed Asner on both the Merv Griffin and Mike Douglas talk shows on several occasions. These sparring matches came to a head on the 1977 episode of Battle of the Network Stars when Arthur pummelled Asner for 45 minutes with the robotic head of Twiki from Buck Rogers. For a short time Arthur and Salazar broke up, and she briefly dated Fat Albert impersonator, Idi Amin, however co-star Conrad Bain was quoted as saying "It was just to make that slug Salazar jealous... Bea would never seriously date a spade".

Bea took an uncharacteristic "second banana" role when she joined the cast of Buck Rogers as the character "Hawk", to pay for the damages suffered to Twiki's head when she bludgeoned Ed Asner with it on live television.

The Golden Girls series goes down in history with Good Times and Alf as one of the few TV shows allowed to confront the issues of racial stereotypes in the public forum of broadcast media.

Cinemax attempted to spin-off the popular docu-drama as a late night adult program starring Estel Getty, Bea Arthur and Ron Jeremy as Pearl Necklaces and Golden Girls. Despite being hugely popular with the elderly, many Ron Jeremy fans were disgusted with Bea Arthur's performance as her hands made her co-star's anatomy look small. Ron Jeremy too was out-raged claiming she ruined his well-earned image. He even refused to do scenes with her. By the third episode, Ron Jeremy only performed with the much smaller Estelle Getty while Bea Arthur remained in the background. After the fourth episode, Bea Arthur was replaced with Barbara Bush.

Immediately following her replacement, Bea Arthur fell into a deep depression that lead to her dark, heavy period. Stock prices for Tampax went up by 21% that year.

Dark Time

Artist's rendition of what Bea Arthur may look like today. Please phone Crime Stoppers if you see this person or have any information on her whereabouts, it was edited for being perverted, you kitten huffers.

In 1983 Bea Arthur was arrested, along with Todd Bridges from Diff'rent Strokes, in possession of 13kg of PCP and Charlotte Rae's contraceptive sponge, which they were using as blood offers to Goomba Getty(nee Wotan Petrillo).

During the initial trial, for the offences, Bea escaped custody. Using Todd as a human shield she attacked and killed the 12 SWAT officers transporting her to court with vicious hand chops to the neck bone. Todd was killed in the Gun-Fu action scene.

She fled with the corpse of Todd Bridges into the surrounding Bergen National park.

She would later go on to play the part of Peter Griffin in Rolling Courage: The Joe Swanson Story

In March of 2008, she appeared in a spring break movie Golden Girls Gone Wild with GG alumni Betty White and Rue McClanahan

After the Spotlight....(Verlassen)

Bea Arthur has been published three times in hard cover(1952, 1965, 1972) and repeatedly in paper back editions in more that 27 languages.

She has recently released a book of feminist poetic musings titled "If I had a cock, a cock, a cock, I would love to knock, a knock, a knock.... on wood." It has sold 4 copies.


On April 25, 2009 Bea Athur passed away at the age of old due to complications from the earth opening up and swallowing her. People magazine named her the most beautiful human being of the past seven centuries. In a fitting ceremony, her fetid corpse was bukkaked and felched by the likes of Robert Parish, Bo Derek and Steve McQueen. Finally, her ashes were scattered on the island of Lesbos.

See also

This article uses material from the "Bea Arthur" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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