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Uncyclopedia

Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Man, we were on some serious hashish when we wrote that book.”
~ Moses on The Bible
The most recent edition of the Bible, seen here with an appropriate warning label.

The Bible (also known as The Holy Bile, Buy Bull, and Bye Bill) is a popular anthology of children's fairy tales, although it is also enjoyed by adults[1]. It is one of the best selling fiction works of all time.[2] The Bible encompasses various genres, including drama, mystery, musical, action, mythology, tragedy, poetry, thriller, adventure, fantasy, horror, historical fiction, pornography, and snuff. The Bible is a collaboration of various authors, first being published by Stone Tablets Press around 200 BC.[3] The Bible is separated into two volumes: Volume One (The Old Testament) and Volume Two (The New Testament). Volume One is centered on the mysterious figure, "The Father", whose actions are only described vicariously. Volume Two focuses on the progeny of The Father, dubbed "The Son".

Besides having an epic and dramatic storyline, The Bible includes various themes that some consider to be controversial, such as war, slavery, racism, murder, alcoholism, magic, genocide, rape, incest, masochism, bestiality, pedophilia, cannibalism, homophobia, and neoconservatism. Despite these controversies, The Bible is commonly and freely read to children. The Bible also employs various literary devices, such as symbolism, breaking the Fourth Wall, deus ex machina, McGuffins, Tom Swiftys, foreshadowing, magical realism, poetic justice, and anti-heroism. Interestingly, The Bible refrains from using some more familiar literary devices, such as parody, frame story, in media res, back story, romance, and flashback, which according to many literary experts could have improved the drama of the stories.

Contents

Volume One: Old Testament

And Moses sayeth: "Yo, check this pimp shit out niggas!"

In the Old Testament, the authors describe the fictional beginnings of Earth by the means of an unknown and unnamed sky fairy who is only identified by a self-description known as We. Later in the series, it is revealed that this We entity is actually The Father, the main protagonist in Volume One. He is usually referred to as "Lord" or "God".

So, God has the ultimate orgasm, causing the Big Bang, or "Genesis". So humble are the authors that they even go on to suggest that God himself wrote the very book that the readers are reading, creating a splendid twist of circular logic that can only otherwise be found through the means of drug use and would actually make The Bible autobiographical. In it, we follow the exciting adventures a tribe of God's chosen people known as the Israelites. In it he tells them that they must remove their penis foreskin and such other things. Upon its release, mixed feelings were felt. Stories of harsh punishment, divine intervention, genocide, rape, murder, and 9/11 conspiracy theories made the book very controversial. Roman intellectuals called the book "radical" and "unimpressive". Eratosthenes wrote the following brief review on the book:

Bible How the Jews even managed to find the time to write something down with all of their wacky tacky long holidays and genital mutilation is beyond me. Anywho, that book was boring. Why read about people being fed to lions when you can come watch that in the Roman Colosseum for only twenty denarii plus the aqueduct tax? Bible

Despite this, it made #6 on Heeb Magazine's "30 Greatest Hebrew Books To Read Before You Die" and was renowned by Jews everywhere. Today, it is considered widely entertaining, but is still very controversial, leading to minor cases of censorship and even posting of warning labels on it.

One often controversial example is Genesis, Chapter Nineteen, particularly verses four through eight, which deal with homosexual gang rape with watersports, and verses thirty-four through thirty-six, which deal with Lot's drunken incest with his virgin daughters. For these particular scenes it was felt that perhaps some of the authors were influenced by Marquis de Sade.

Many important characters are introduced in the Old Testament, such as Moses, Abraham, Joshua, Adam and Eve, and the antagonist, Satan. In the book, Satan describes himself as the "enemy of God", and God describes Satan as a "hideous, deformed creature, and complete jackass who cheats at poker."

There are some very popular themes in the Old Testament. One of the more recognized elements of the Old Testament are the Ten Commandments given to Moses by God on two stone tablets which in summation make it wrong for anyone to have any fun or do anything right, lest the action he takes be deemed a "sin" for which he will pay for in the afterlife when his soul is sent to hell. Another popular theme is also in the chapter Genesis, where God tells Abraham to travel to Moriah where God then orders Abraham to kill his own son, Isaac. Splendid.

Volume Two: New Testament

“That terribly depressing story about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun, and then comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arab land.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the New Testament
Using the Old Testament as a handy reference, a Medieval monk is seen working on the first draft of the New Testament.

The New Testament (aka Bible II: Electric Boogaloo) is the second book in the series and is, as its name suggests, newer than the Old Testament. Its authors are unknown, but the book claims it was written by the disciples of the book's protagonist, another twist in the story's plot. It consists of several different stories of the same things from different perspective. The result is contradiction in the storyline and fabricated genealogy with pasted-together historical inaccuracies that have since drawn the attention of critics who just be playa hatin.

The New Testament is unique in that it introduces a new character to the series known as Jesus Christ, who serves as the main character in the book. In it, Jesus is the "Son of God", birthed by his virgin mother, Mary. Throughout the first four sections of the book, Jesus plays the role of a messiah-like figure with strong moral values, such as the value of the family, pacifism, and looking like a hippie. As mentioned, he gets himself nailed to something where the plot then turns semi-musical, including a memorable poetic hymn titled If You're Jesus And You Know It, Clap Your Hands. That's a bit of a climax in the fourth book, Jesus Christ and The Philosopher's Stone.

In the later three parts of the book the disciples of Jesus go round looking like hippies and doing lewd things and writing boring letters. The tone of the New Testament, in contrast, is entirely more gentle gentile. Overall, the New Testament is far less controversial in that it has less scenes of unnecessary killing and sex, and instead focuses on alcohol use and torture.

A comicbook artist's rendition of a scene from the New Testament.
For the most part, Jews (strong fans of the Old Testament) have labeled the book as a rip-off and unoriginal and reject it outright. Fans of the Old Testament also claim that the New Testament portrays God as being far too soft, and that it "just doesn't have that scary biblical feeling."

One of the more interesting chapters in the New Testament is the Book of Revelations. That chapter comes just after all those tedious letters. Unfortunately many readers may be discouraged before they reach Revelations. There is a full revelation about the Scarlet Woman of Babylon who was clearly a whore. Revelations is a chapter full of imagery and symbolism used to describe a fictional event known as the Apocalypse and the events preceding it. A very entertaining section indeed, the Book of Revelations, some believe, suggests the particular number "666" as being the "mark of the beast." More confusing riff-raff is abundant in this chapter as well concerning the anti-Christ and Israel, but nobody cares since no plot ever comes of it.

Lost books to the New Testament known as the Gnostic gospels were found much time after the initial publication of the New Testament. Even more contradiction and nonsense is abundant in these parts and the publishing company ultimately decided to not include them in continued prints.

Spoiler ends here.

Spin-offs and fan fiction

The fame of The Bible has bred many spin-offs, some of which are official, while others are considered fan fiction. The most famous spin-off is Al-Quran, published in Saudi Arabia, promoted and subsidized by the local government.

There have been several other books which have either revised or elaborated further on either of the original two books. Most of them are boring though, and more than likely started out as a joke in the beginning. Movies have been produced, but none of them were entertaining enough to keep audiences' attention, even in the shortest ninety-hours long condensed movie The Bible's Libel.

Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

While considered a "universal" book that doesn't pertain to just The Bible per se, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster by Bobby Henderson adds an interesting perspective on the books. It is largely considered a satirical work which parodies The Bible and attempts to "poke holes" in the storyline. Fans of this particular book refer to themselves as "Pastafarians".

A movie poster for one of the numerous movie adaptations of The Bible.

Book of Mormon

The Book of Mormon is a fan fiction novel written about the bible. It is now a revised and reformed version of earlier texts. Written by Joseph Smith, the book is a rigid manifesto for those who are referred to as the "Latter Day Saints" in the book. It tells about the evil of pop and candy and the joys of polygamy and kitten huffing. Ultimately, it's not a very interesting read except for the parts about kitten huffing. It has been rejected by just about everybody outside the state of Utah. Fans of the book refer to themselves as "Morons".

The Pudgic Bible

The Pudgic Bible by DiZ is only mentioned in here because it has the world "bible" in it so we figured it was relevant, but it's really not. If you're looking for something to help you get to sleep, we suggest reading this. It's about weaselpudge or whatever.

Red Letter Editions

Note: This should not be confused with wiki links which appear in red letters, as that means something altogether different.

In many modern books of The Bible the dialogue of the character Jesus are printed in red letters. Although this is fairly recent among English-language editions, the practice itself dates back to the earliest known manuscripts of the Gospels, in which the dialogue of Jesus was written using the author's own blood.

Many Biblical scholars theorize that some of the apparent inconsistencies that appear in parts of the text may actually have been the result of severe blood loss. In fact, the Gospel of St. James the Lesser was never completed, because he (the author) had a rare blood disease and bled to death while attempting to transcribe.

Addendum

An entire cult-like subculture has developed around The Bible. The mainstream fan club is called Christianity, a moniker adopted by one of the main characters during Volume Two. However, the fan club is divided into various organizations based on their interpretation of the book(s), including Catholicism, Eastern Orthodoxy and a potpourri of Protestantism.[4] Parody clubs have also emerged. Those who dislike The Bible and its spin-offs are generally (but often inaccurately) called Atheists. Judaism is also a fan club originally centered in the Roman province of Judea, who prefer Volume One while claiming that Volume Two has "departed from the true spirit of the story". "Jews" (the nickname for members of Judaism fan club) have claimed to be the descendants of an ancient race found in the book, and they usually see The Son as a good character but not canon, since it deviates from the original foreshadowing in Volume One.

Arguably, The Bible is one of the greatest and oldest literary efforts ever. However, throughout the years, there have been mad playa haters and some outright psychopaths who were influenced by The Bible. It's worth noting again that The Bible was intended to be a piece of fiction, and was never meant to be taken seriously to the extent that it has already. But in a time where there weren't microprocessors and Beck, it's understandable how so many found comfort in such an entertaining series such as The Bible and used it to explain the confusing world full of scary thunderstorms and Egyptian helicopters.

Many have taken the values and beliefs in The Bible to heart and expressed them to the point of becoming martyrs for them. The Crusades, terrorism, genocide, and Christian rock music have all been the horrifying results of gullible readers of The Bible. Of course, the list is endless. Pope, which used to be the highest civil authority hundreds of years ago in predominantly Catholic nations in Europe, was formed out of a work of fiction. Billions of dollars have been spent throughout the centuries to build churches, synagogues and mosques in which people can get together and read and celebrate The Bible. People have come to worship the book as though it were some sort of religious doctrine.

Some Americans who seek to protect their children from violence, sex, lolz, etc. have demanded a politically correct version of The Bible, which is expected to be released in the near future. Firstly, all of the violence, war, discrimination, etc., will be written out. After that, just a few dozen pages will be left, and the writers can put in all of the minorities they can think of. God will be an African-American lesbian and Jesus a Native American.

Some conspiracy theories have appeared throughout the years claiming that The Bible contains hidden messages, but expert research has so far revealed nothing except some recipes for spaghetti with meatballs that can be found when tapes of the series are played reverse.

Stone Tablets Press has indicated interest in a third Volume, originally conceiving it to be centered on a third protagonist. The Holy Spirit, who had appearances in Volume One and Volume Two. However, due to various reasons, Volume Three was abandoned and the entire series canceled, with The Revelation as the last episode published.

Storyline problems & plagiarism

See also: Clusterfuck

Readers and scholars have pointed out the contradictions in storyline within the Bible, often pointing to major examples such as the fabricated genealogy of Jesus, the stories of happenings to Mary and her manmeat while Jesus was in utero, historical inaccuracies, and Jesus' last words. The Book of Matthew reads they were, "Say hello to my little friend!", whereas the Book of Luke claims it was, "James...earn this. Earn it."

Authors of the Bible have been accused of plagiarism several times. The Old Testament's story of Noah's Ark is surprisingly similar to the deluge myth found in the Epic of Gilgamesh, the Hindu Puranic, in Greek myths surrounding Deucalion, and Dr. Seuss' story Big Flood, Little Ark. Egyptians have claimed intellectual property theft, basing this off similarities between the Egyptian deity Horus and the J-Man. Muslims have also claimed respective texts as legitimate canon that do not compromise the original storyline of the Bible. Christians and Jews have since attempted to reject the works as canon. A holy war is still pending.

Part of a series of articles on
Christianity
I am the Good Shepherd...

History of Christianity
Jesus
The Apostles
Ecumenical councils
Great Schism
The Crusades
Reformation

The Trinity
God the Father
The Son (Jesus Christ)
The Holy Spirit

The Bible
Old Testament
New Testament
Apocrypha
The Gospels
Ten Commandments
Sermon on the Mount

Christian theology
Fall of Man · Grace
Salvation · Justification
Christian worship

Christian Church
Roman Catholicism
Eastern Orthodoxy
Protestantism

Christian erudition
Christian denominations
Christian movements
Christian ecumenism
Christian scholastica
Christian discourses

Important Figures
Apostle Paul
Church Fathers
Augustine · Aquinas
Wycliffe · Luther
Calvin · Trammell
Carver · Wesley
Seaborg

On Diplomacy

Bible When the LORD your God brings you into the land where you are entering to possess it, and clears away many nations before you, the Hittites and the Girgashites and the Amorites and the Canaanites and the Perizzites and the Hivites and the Jebusites, seven nations greater and stronger than you. And when the LORD your God delivers them before you and you defeat them, then you shall utterly destroy them. You shall make no covenant with them and show no favor to them. (Deuteronomy 7:1-2) Bible

On Friendship

Bible When you approach a city to fight against it, you shall offer it terms of peace. If it agrees to make peace with you and opens to you, then all the people who are found in it shall become your forced labor and shall serve you. However, if it does not make peace with you, but makes war against you, then you shall besiege it. When the LORD your God gives it into your hand, you shall strike all the men in it with the edge of the sword. Only the women and the children and the animals and all that is in the city, all its spoil, you shall take as booty for yourself; and you shall use the spoil of your enemies which the LORD your God has given you ... Only in the cities of these peoples that the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance, ye shall not leave alive anything that breathes, lest you be stricken by God himself. (Deuteronomy 20:10-17) Bible

On Virginity

Bible Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known man intimately. But all the girls who have not known man intimately, spare for yourselves. (Numbers 31:17-18)

The preservation of purity until the union of souls shall be rewarded with a healthy child. The tainting of purity before this shall render a mongoloid child. (Psalms 12:4-20)

Bible

On Bullies

Bible I tell you that to everyone who has, more shall be given, but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away. But these enemies of mine, who did not want me to reign over them, bring them here and slay them in my presence. (Luke 19:26-27)


And if you should not seek vengeance for the loss of your will, then you yourself have sinned, for the LORD your God shalt not allow any push-over beyond the gates of heaven (Luke 20:1-2)

Bible

On Mother-in-laws

Bible Do not think that I have come to send peace on earth. I did not come to send peace, but a sword. I am sent to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a son-in-law against his mother-in-law (Matthew 10:34-35) Bible

Health advisory

The Surgeon General of the United States issued a warning to fans of The Bible, stating that "some side effects have been observed among avid readers." A common conspiracy theory is that the writers of the books intended them to act as hypnotic passages to trick readers into funding the New World Order. An example of this so-called 'hypnosis effect' is the following extract of Jesus' genealogy:

Bible Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren; And Judas begat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares begat Esrom; and Esrom begat Aram; And Aram begat Aminadab; and Aminadab begat Naasson; and Naasson begat Salmon; And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse; And Jesse begat David the king; and David the king begat Solomon of her [that had been the wife] of Urias; And Solomon begat Roboam; and Roboam begat Abia; and Abia begat Asa; And Asa begat Josaphat; and Josaphat begat Joram; and Joram begat Ozias; And Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias; And Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias; And Josias begat Jechonias and his brethren, about the time they were carried away to Babylon (Matthew 1) Bible

Reviews

Here's one preferred method of reading it: by not reading it and looking the other way with your index finger in the air.
“Don't get me wrong. It's alright. Nothing on Lord of the Rings though.”
~ God on The Bible
“Terrible.”
~ Satan on The Bible
“Lies!”
~ God on above statement
“I learnt that lies made the baby Jee Man cry.”
~ Oscar Wilde on above statement
“Less interesting than the Harry Potter series, but better than Eragon.”
~ The New York Times on The Bible
“I'd rather die than read this.”
~ William Murderface on The Bible
“They stamped it, didn't they? Those damn Gideons.”
~ John Voight on The Bible

See also

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Bible.

Notes

  1. Albeit a bit too fervently.
  2. Still not better than Lord of the Rings though.
  3. God (200BC) The Bible: Reflections on life, love, history and hope New York: Stone Tablets Press. ISBN 0-000-00000-0
  4. A collective term for many fans is, "Bible thumpers".

External links


This article uses material from the "Bible" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Wackypedia

Up to date as of February 07, 2010

From Wackypedia

The Bible is the greatest book ever written. Ever. It was written by God, in God's own hand, with God's own pen, with God's own ink, on God's own paper, bound by God's own Ecumenical Council for Bible Binding. Seriously, the Bible is the only thing you'll ever need to live, ever. Law? It's got that! Sex? It's got that! Violence? You'd better believe it's got that! Ducks? It's got that; two in fact! Two ducks!!! What could be better? Nothing, that's what. It's the Bible, after all.

Old Testament

This is like "Part 1" of the Bible. It's the part where all the history is given and everything. Overall, it's fucking awesome. There's 46 chapters or so, and they're called "books." Confusingly, these "books" have "chapters" too.

Seriously, though, it's like the thinking man's X-Men. Good versus evil, with an extra helping of AWESOME

Law

Law in the Bible is similar to law anywhere else. In its most basic form, Biblical law states, "Don't do anything or you're a bad person." The law of the Bible isn't for the faint of heart, let me tell you! Here's an abbreviated list of Biblical laws:

  1. No sex except for procreation. That means no prostitution, no sex for fun, none of that Tantric nonsense. Just for having kids. The Bible also says that if you do have sex, "may your testicles shrivel up and become infertile, lest they again disgrace the name of thy loving, caring God."
    Disregard the book "Song of Songs" if you don't want to be confused. It's not that they're saying "have sex with your lover coming over the mountains," it's just that they're saying exactly that, but different. You know?
  2. No stealing. Like, ever. Now, you might be asking yourself, "What if the cunt stole my experimental bracelet/nuclear explosive device and the only way to prevent total nuclear holocaust is to steal it back from him because you know he'll misuse it and accidentally asplode the world?" A common problem, for sure. Still, no stealing. God will save the world.
  3. Don't piss God off. This is reeeeaaaalllyyyyy important. Like, ridiculously reeeeaaaalllyyyyy important. God's form of love is most similar to the love Mommie Dearest had for her daughter in that movie....what was it called? Anyway, God loves us all deep down, but apparently, when he's mad, he's MAD.
    For example, in the mid-1200s BC, the Jews were in the desert. They threw a wild party and made the mistake of representing God as a pig. He made them stay in the desert for 40 years. Then, 500 years later, some guy did the same exact thing, and God sent the Assyrians to rape and pillage the people of the guy's kingdom. In the you know where. Ouch.

Sex

A book would not be complete without tender scenes of depraved monkey-love shared betwixt two human beings. The Bible, being a book (and a complete book, at that!), is no exception. "But wait," you ask, baffled, "didn't you just say that no sex was allowed except for procreation?"

...

Shut up. YOU are not allowed to have sex. The BIBLE is infallible. The Bible could have sex with whomever it damn well pleases. If the Bible wanted to, it could have sex with your mom. For real. So why don't you just shut your fat mug, alright?

Now, most (in fact, all (well, not ALL, per se, but most)) Biblical sex is found in the Old Testament, so buckle up. Ready? Dinahbathshebasuzannasongofsongspsalmssaraihagarsodomgomorrahlotsaltabrahamleahrachelslavegirlswithoutnamesblarglpoprageeblesonk

Wait, there's more....Gomersongofsongsagainleviticus(worstpornever)solomonthousandwivesjezebeldelilahblahblahblahetc

And so on and so forth. Yeah, there's a lot of nookie in the Bible, but don't get too excited. Remember, it can do it because it's the Bible. You can't because you're not the Bible.


This article uses material from the "Bible" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Cybernations

Up to date as of January 31, 2010

From the Cyber Nations Wiki, the wiki dedicated to the Cyber Nations Game.

This is a controversial topic that may be under dispute.
Please discuss substantial changes in this article's talk page before making them,
making sure to supply full citations when adding information to highly controversial articles.

The Bible or Holy Bible is the holy book of Christianity.

The Bible in Cyber Nations

These different views that the three major branches of Christianity have toward the Bible can have a major influence on the role-play of religious nations within Cyber Nations. It can have effects on national culture, political freedoms, and diplomatic relations. Catholic nations often tend to hold their clergy and ecclesiastical institutions in very high regard. Orthodox nations can be characterized as looking to their traditions and cooperative efforts for inspiration, guidance, and solidarity. Protestant nations tend to be more independant, industrious, and self-reliant.

In the game, Catholic countries are often drawn toward each other due to ecclesiastical institutions that are held in common and are centered on the Pope's authority. Rival claims to the Papal throne, however, can throw the Catholic community in disarray, creating rival factions struggling for control over those ecclesiastical institutions that are meant to bind them together. Orthodox nations often seek each other out in mutually cooperative efforts to safeguard their traditions and way of life. These unions, however, can sometimes appear to be more based on common ethnicity and language, with religion being simply a secondary cultural by-product of the common ethnic ties. Protestant nations have tried to band together in the past, but have yet to prove the ability to unite in any long-term group of any size and significance. This is likely due to their love of freedom and distrust of centralized authority. Disagreements within Protestantism over various schools of thought (Calvinism, Lutheranism, Pentecostalism, etc.) can also sometimes prevent strong bonds of lasting unity. These actions and behaviors within the game can often be traced back to how a Christian religious nation and its leadership views the Bible as a source of authority and guidance.

Related Cyber Nations Articles


This article uses material from the "Bible" article on the Cybernations wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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