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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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Yeltsin welcoming President Clinton to Moscow during the US operation in Bosnia.

Boris Vodkavich Yeltsin (Russian: Борис Водкавич Неловкович Ельцин) was president of Russia between drinks. He was not a very popular leader, his sole supporter being the legendary boxer/drunkard Mike Tyson. In Russia's first orderly transition of power, he gave up control of Russia to Vladimir Putin in exchange for an unlimited supply of vodka, delivered to him through a trans-Siberian alcohol pipeline so mammoth in size that it is visible from the moon.

Contents

Biography

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Boris Yeltsin.

Birth

Boris Yeltsin was distilled in Butka, Talitsky District, Sverdlovsk Oblast on February 1, 1931. He consisted of a mixture of gin, vodka, wine, and highly-potent methanol. Since then and up until his death, he sweated gin and peed beer.

Parents

Boris's brewery was run by a very troubled couple. His "father," Nikolay Yeltsin, was convicted of criticizing the Soviet Union and sentenced to drink himself to death. His "mother," Klavdiya Vasilyevna Yeltsina, was a seamstress. Despite her profession, her husband refused to allow her to seal his lips shut, which didn't work out well for anyone in the family. Had she sewn up the mouths of her husband and son, they would both have lived to age 100 and Russia's consumption of alcohol would have dropped 41%.

Journey to Communism

In school, Boris was the class clown. However, his antics were often annoying as they consisted of him talking about his father's problems with the government. He remedied the problem by giving them an unlimited supply of his urine, which made the other boys drunk enough that they thought he was funny. This was not the least bit amusing to his teachers, who eventually expelled Boris after one incident where he stripped naked and got frostbite on his penis. Following the expulsion Boris realized he needed something to do (because no Communists were allowed to be unemployed, and he was a Communist, he thought), so he would go off on a journey.

While his father was busy being a dead, unproductive non-member of the glorious Communist party, young Boris went on a fact-finding journey with his buddy Vladimir to Ireland. It was there, for the first time in his life, a walking, talking booze was widely welcomed. In Russia booze faced a series of prohibition laws at the time, despite widespread use of alcoholic beverages.

However, all was not right in the world. Boris still needed to make a discovery of different political systems, so he went on a fact-finding mission across the globe. He traveled to China, where Chairman Mao finally gave freedom to the Tibetans from the Dalai Lama. He contrasted this with Japan, where the Americans dropped two bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and continues to occupy the sovereign state for hundreds of years. He contrasted the "Capitalist" Republic of Korea with the "Communist" Democratic People's Republic of Korea, and concluded that people in the latter must have more freedom because they have a more populist-sounding name. Just to be sure, he finally compared Yugoslavia with India to see if a Communist or a Capitalist country is better able to handle diverse populations. He looked at the government news sources, and found a shocking difference: the press of Yugoslavia makes no mention of ethnic strife, while India is full of religious, ethnic, and cultural tensions. Young Boris Yeltsin finally concluded that Communism as a system of government was superior to Capitalism in every way.

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He spent his youth in a lunging, unsteady climb to the top of the Communist Party hierarchy. Initially he dreamed of becoming an apparatchik, only to wake up and find he was still an apparatdude. He captured the attention of the world in dramatic fashion in 1990 when, as Soviet hard-liners were mounting a military coup against leader Mikhail Gorbachev, Yeltsin strode into Red Square, climbed onto a tank, gestured to the spellbound crowd, threw up, and passed out. In gratitude the Central Committee made him President.

Yeltsin's presidency brought about great changes in Russia. His biographers have described his accomplishments as "staggering". According to The Onion, Boris Yeltsin once gave up control of Russia to a random flock of geese. The RBC reported that he ate the unfortunate geese and reclaimed the control over the vast country. He then tried to pull the same trick on Putin, but Putin managed to avoid getting eaten by spraying himself with denatonium, the same substance that makes industrial alcohol toxic.

Yeltsin demonstrating his infamous Flaming Fist of Drunken Rebellion (-5 resistance to alcohol).

Boris Yeltsin is believed to have invented the world's first ethanol-powered car. Unfortunately for Yeltsin, he soon found that he could not bear the sight of alcohol being used for anything other than human consumption. He would often brake to syphon the precious fuel into his mouth, and his dirty habit caught up with him. A drunken Yeltsin crashed into a gas station within weeks of inventing the car, resulting in John Travolta's hydrocarbon-rich hair igniting in the subsequent blaze.

In his second term as president he required daily transfusions to prevent his blood alcohol level from exceeding 100%. After his retirement from office, he kept busy with steady work as an Elvis impersonator. While returning from a Vegas gig in May 2007, he was struck by a comparatively sober driver, and exploded.

Yeltsin's autopsy provided the Russian Army with materials which they used in developing a special incendiary munition that is fat, soft, and sweaty on the outside, and highly flammable inside.

Take all your shit and get out. It's my throne now. And gimme some vodka! NOW!

It is also widely known for roles in the Latin American kinoseriale "Free Russia", where Tsar Boris Yeltsin played (Godunov). Hobbies - jumping from bridges. He tried to commit suicide by jumping off the bridge, trying to cut their veins on the hand with scissors, repeatedly intoxicated to a coma, lying on the rails, but unsuccessfully, as his colleagues in the orchestra he forgot to bring these rails.

Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin was born in the first lunar day in 1931 on the instructions of the security services in the Urals (known brand of trucks). Parents Boris professed nogachestvo that undoubtedly contributed to his fate. Ortodaksalnye nogachniki (so-called. Pravonogachniki) see him as the embodiment of the great Ziba-hee, the god prestoyavshey mead and beer foam.

For many years he lived with his family in Berezniki. It was there that a young Boris came under the influence of the famous Ural protodruida sorokopyatnika-Ba-Chou, better known to us as Bazhov. It was under his leadership, he concocted his first gomolunkusa, named in honor of the city itself and Boris Berezovsky. Gomolunkus was aptly Genghis Hama, said during a seance, "phallus with feet of clay, and still poses a serious threat to one six-hundredth of the population-sixth of the land.

At school, the young Boris in memory with difficulty surviving witnesses, differed irrepressible temper. Despite the fact that all the years he was his class, he often arranged fights, in which the number of participants reached 100. Perhaps the Jedi knew the election of Boris, and trained him in his time they were preparing to Peter the Great

Youth and early years are hidden in secrecy. Some researchers believe that both he and Vasya Pupkin, wandered around India and the Himalayas in search of enlightenment. However, the real enlightenment came with the discovery of the young Boris vodka. This discovery has left an indelible imprint on the entire life of Boris. Some, later, even mistakenly believed that Yeltsin - a robot that runs on ethyl fuel cells. This version has been convincingly refuted Korjikoff, Yeltsin's personal security guard who crossed to the dark side.

April 23, 2007, Yeltsin said, "Why do not I see the Pinochet?" And imagines himself Murat Nasyrova, came with his photograph from the hospital. After seeing how the country will celebrate his funeral, he opened the coffin at night and left. Within 40 days after April 23, he still went to the Kremlin in the night, went to Chernomyrdin, Chubais, and others. After that, his spirit moved to Putin and has continued to manage it. Perhaps, March 2, 2008 after the election of Dmitry Medvedev, Russia's President Yeltsin's spirit left his body and Putin went to the open championship of Albania's tennis. Political scientists hypothesized that in the absence of spirit in the body of Yeltsin, Putin, Russia will be committed by the most significant reform. During the inauguration of Dmitry Medvedev, Yeltsin moved into the spirit of the body to follow McCain's war with Russia.

According to preliminary and do not contradict the above data, processed top-secret team of scientists in the Stone giant battle-robot VIDa (KOBRVIDa). The death of Yeltsin, was highly controversial fact, the same as its existence.

There are several theories as to where he settled after the death of EBN. Some argue that it could become one of the neurons in the brain of Chuck Norris, and others, that he fell into a kind of hell, and it settled in a transparent tank, around which the sea roar of vodka, to which the EBN get absolutely can not.

Memory Yeltsin immortalized plaque containing the following text: "This is from this bridge fell, and fell into the river the first President of Russia B.. N. Yeltsin"

Drunkenness

Boris Yeltsin has such a big problem with alcohol that he has, on numerous occasions,

Yeltsin Facts

  • Boris Yeltsin once danced, an occasion of humour impossible to recreate via the feeble medium of words.Link
  • Yeltsin is also known for his Flaming Fist of Liberty, with which he single-fistedly defied the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. The phenomenon of Yeltsin's flaming fist is caused by the air friction against the rapid acceleration by the fist, fueled by excess vodka shed through his pores, resulting in extreme heat equaling that of an outsize solar flare.
  • He also ordered the deaths of 461 people, and smiled the whole time.

See also


This article uses material from the "Boris Yeltsin" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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