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“Brian May Brian May”
~ Freddie Mercury on Brian May
Brian posing with one of his pretty guitars. Have you ever seen such a huge fucking hair? Damn.

Legendary lead flautist of rock band Queen, Brian May first caught Freddie Mercury's attention by waving at him shouting "Freddie! Freddie! Over here Freddie!" in a Leicester Argos. Freddie was impressed and asked Brian to join the band famously saying, "You can join my band." The rest is history, apart from the stuff that hasn't happened yet which is the future and the stuff that's happening right now which is the present but will soon be the past and never again the future. He is often criticised for encourging Eminem to come out of retirement.

Contents

Hair

Brian's hair is a grade A listed structure with its own dedicated maintenance team. That the man comes from a scientific background is of much suspicion, as many believe his skills as an engineer are in fact the secret behind the marvel that is the hair of THE Brian May. The team work from the bottom left of "Rock God Hair" over the top finally completing at the bottom of the right side. Such is the size of the bounce, it takes engineers over two years to condition every strand. Once completed, the task is immediately started again from the left side.

From June to September of 1979, May's power-fro went on a rampage in Dublin. Several salons and wig-makers were taken out in the first couple of months. The hair of an unknown bass player from Queen aided the "Mafro" for a short time. The compounded power of cocker spaniel hair, hypnotic dancing, and an expressionless face made The Great Hair Alliance of '79 nearly invincible. Unfortunately, our future hairy overlord was defeated at the Second Battle of Pantene. Lieutenant Colonel John Freida led a resistence of beef-eaters wielding hair-spray grenades and scissors. After a three-day fight, Brian agreed to go back to playing guitar and stop trying to exterminate the Irish. Renovators in Ireland still find curly hair in water or wall cracks.

A Costa Coffee was built into the hair structure next to Brian's left ear-lobe for use by the workers and hair-tourists. It's been closed down to the unpleasantness of drinking hot beverages near someone's ear.

Due to the enormous size of Brian's hair, it has collapsed many times, on some occasions killing members of the audience. This problem was fixed recently by applying Brill cream, which reinforces the hair's strength.

There are few people with grade A hair structure - Slash is one of them. He and May are great friends.

Music

Guitars

Brian owns a huge selection of guitars, none of which he can play. He thinks they look pretty, though, and makes them himself by carving out the guitar shapes with his tougue. He once made his own guitar out of his hair and Freddy's sweaty moustache which he called "Black Curly" (the guitar, not the moustache).

Brian's Guitars:

Black Curly: Brians Favorite hair guitar White Albino: a guitar he once obtained from a half-german, half-irish monk. He then poisoned the monk by putting a tablespoon of stomach acid in his beer. He then cut off his hair with a rusty Stratocaster and hurried away before the cats with laser eyes detected him. The Digestive Guitar: a guitar camouflaged as a enormous biscuit.

And many more whimsical guitars...

Flutes

Brian's favourite flute is one he has had since he was a child (which is what he was immediately preceding his being an adult), the skin flute! He made it with his dad out of a family pet which had recently passed away. The cat was a dearly loved companion, and Brian felt it would be a fitting tribute to convert Michelle into a wooden musical instrument. So good was the sound created by the flute, Brian has continued to use it to this day, if this day is a day when he has continued to use it, too. What do I know? The distinctive sound from the "Dead Michelle" defines the Queen sound in the overcrowded field of flute based arena rock.

Brian's Life

Education

Did you know...
Brian spends the majority of his time slicing lemon zest and singing to Freddie Mercury's picture on his wall.

Having twice the brains of all musicians that ever lived combined, May went to school. There he attended things called "Lessons" which were apparently on various "Subjects". Maths was always May's favourite class and he regularly counted out-loud to 10,000 to impress girls. In his final year of secondary school, Brian raised over two-hundred pounds for "Help the Dead Animals" by counting to 25,500.

May was keen to continue his education after school and after failing to get high enough marks for the University of Life he accepted a place at Bath. He studied for a degree in Astrology. It was here he met fellow students who were studying for a degree in Astrology. It was they who introduced him to Vegetarianism and May would experiment with it for much of his time in higher-education. After Queen, May now completed his Astrology PhD at Invisible College London.

Queen

One day, Brian May was practicing guitar in the woods when he dropped his Axe into a small pond. Freddie Mercury then rose from the pond and offered him a golden Axe, which he refused. Mercury then offered him a silver Axe, which he also refused. He was rewarded for his honesty when John Deacon and Roger Taylor appeared, and the four of them rocked out for eighteen years.

When Paul Rodgers heard of this, he sought out the pool and threw his Axe into it, only to watch it sink beneath the waves. Rumour has it that Gilgamesh found it and auctioned it off on eBay for a signed copy of Queen's "Fat Bottomed Girls/Bicycle Race" 45-RPM acetate grammophone recording

Brian May while performing can fart on cue. During a concert in Berlin, Freddie Mercury lit a match around Brian May's ass, setting it on fire. He suffered only 2nd & 3rd degree burns & wasn't able to sit on his throne for months. His asshole even hurted when he took a shit. Rumor had it that KISS wrote a song about Brian May's dismay called "My Asshole Hurts!"

Marriage

Brian's marriage to Angie Watts of Albert Square was sadly cut short in 1987 when he found out she had been lying to him about having "six months left to live". Brian immediately got into a big strop and filed for divorce. Angie later said, "That hair, but no sense of humour."

Brian is currently married to a beautiful American musician by the name of Eddie. They met at a barmitsfa in Fresno when she sang You're My Best Friend. In and interview Brian said "Her voice literally took my breath away." Brian was rushed to the hospital that night.

Mental Illness

The marriage split hit Brian hard. By the mid-nineties he was consuming an entire pack Yorkshire tea bags every day. "I couldn't get out of bed without drinking tea.", he admitted in an interview with an interviewer who could have, but probably wasn't called Bob.

Things came to a head in 2002, when a clearly disorientated May was found on the roof of Buckingham palace with one of his guitars. An embarrassing security lapse for Palace officials on Queen Elizebeth's Golden Jubilee and a wake-up call for May who knew he had to confront his demons. As of January 2007, May has been "off the brew" for nearly four years. "I just have to avoid places where people drink tea", he explained in a recent interview for Heat magazine, "I don't go in kitchens, cafes, houses, countries or even kitchens anymore. It's hard, but life is hard isn't it? Isn't it? It is. Isn't it? It is."

Rumours surrounding the cause of Brian's Death

It is unclear whether rumours surrounding Brian's death are true or not as he's not dead. When he does die, it will be easier to ascertain their accuracy.

Solo Discography

Albums

Affordable Motoring (1991)

Singles

"Too Much Love Will Kill You"

"Ford Mondeo"

"Ford Focus"

"Too Much Love Will Kill You"

"Ford Galaxy"

"Ford Focus"

"Ford Prefect"

"Too Much Love Will Kill You"

"A Rather Large Amount of Charity Will Be Fatal To One"

"It Will Definitely Kill You (Too Much Love)"

"Love Kills (especially too much of it)"

See Also

References


This article uses material from the "Brian May" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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