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Uncyclopedia

Up to date as of February 05, 2010
(Redirected to News article)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

      Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Propaganda?
See also UnNews
“In Soviet Russia, NEWS READS YOU!!”
“UGGGHHHHHHH.........Yeah......”
~ Mario on CNN
“I chewowa!! Whoa whoa whoa! (falls off chair)”
~ Bumblebee Man on Bad News
“OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.”
~ Prince Vegeta on On news
“I'm as Happy as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!”
~ That crazy dude from "Network" on the news
“Nazi News Network {NNN}, the "Nein O'Clock" news channel on channel nein.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“I don't care about the budget. I don't care about tax negotiations. I don't want to know what country the fucking pope is in. You show me a hospital that's on fire and people on crutches are jumping off the roof, AND I'M A HAPPY GUY!”
~ George Carlin on News
“This... is CNN.”
~ CNN on themselves
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about News.
Giant reporters use their silly eyes.

This just in. A skinny man has just lost weight and is about to play games again. His goal: get fatter. people are wondering why we aren't using his enormous body for warmth. Scientists have concluded that he doesn't have enough for everone.

Contents

About the Nazi News Network

They Logged in 1945, after Hitler's downfall, they invented the news.NEIN!!!!! . . .

The media determines what the public should think is important
Sometimes Humans read the news.

Nein is the German for the word no.

Up Next: Nazi-Hazardous to your children's health? Stay Tuned.

Origins of the word news:

  • An outdated theory put forward by the Nazis argued that news does not exist as matter and energy can not be created or destroyed. Since matter can not be created, its impossible to create something new; only something different can be created. Only three months after the fall of the Berlin Wall, nothing related to this bullet point happened.
  • Another theory has it that "news" comes from the japanese word Noos, a middle age word meaning to massage a mongooses' genitals. Apparently this word was in common usage during the early days of eastern journalism.
  • A news-paper is a collection of pieces of dried, flattened wood pulp upon which items of the day, such as waterbed factory sales notices and movie listings can be printed.
  • Interestingly, "news" read backwards is "Nein," a German word for No stains that collect on the underarms of news reporters during uncomfortably long broadcasts.
  • Frieza's Place
  • News is also the initials of the words, North East West South. This as we all know should not be, as the adjacent compass points are North East South West. Therefore, 'news' should actually read 'nesw'.

The Origins of News

An example of responsible journalism.

News has been around for a very long time. Prior to the colonisation of the American continent by Europeans, the phenomena of News was know simply as "Sss" but in keeping with their standard renaming policies the early settlers changed the term to "New Sss," or "News" for short. Before the invention of the News Broadcast, News was only transmitted in very narrow lines, on specific subjects such as Genealogy, Eugenealogy, Jennyology, Gene Kelly and KY Jelly. Even today, the purpose of news remains a mystery, but is thought to hark back to ancient requirement among tribal cultures that every man, woman and child should have a greater understanding of the opinions of journalists.

In 1683, sir Isaac Newton, then head of the department of Mothermatics and Cambridge University, England, proved that all news was subject to predictable trajectories, governed by the underlying principles of Farce, a term he completely failed to explain. According to Newton, news can be dynamic or exist as a potential, but can only be stopped by an equal and opposing episode of Jerry Springer. It is widely understood that American News is far superior to any other form of news, a fact which is testified to by its utter refusal to consider events beyond its own boarders. However, rare and imported news is becoming increasingly available in recent years as a small and radical movemet takes up the cry for "Newer News." Alas, their numbers are still few, and the majority of diehard enthusiasts still maintain that it is not possible to beat Good Old News.Look for Cabal.

News In The 21st Century

Cable news has resorted to employing high-profile public figures to cash in on ratings. Fox News is not only biased toward the Republican Party, but are also biased toward Duke, shown by the appearance of Dick Vitale.

News has recently returned to its original state. In a Gutenburgesque process, basic elements are shredded and pulverized, added to a chemically reactive slurry, baked in the sun and dried. The resulting slate is then tinted for a colorizing effect, and presented as raw product to Comedians and Theologians, who then use surrogates to write of obtuse adversities or placid mollycoddling on the slate. Hi how are you? The resulting message is delivered via various means of overpriced connectivity to the masses. Though News is created in much the same fashion as ever before, modern efficiencies assure complete obfuscation. Then he died.

Commonly Broadcast News & Specials

  • The Death of Michael Jackson
  • Everything causes cancer Tell me something I don't know.
  • The Harmful effects of eggs
  • The Benefits of eggs
  • The Death of Michael Jackson
  • It was the Jews that done it.
  • The Death of Michael Jackson
  • Everything is harmful to your children and only your children
  • O.J. Simpson
  • President Bush
  • The Death of Michael Jackson
CNN's latest Special.
  • The benefits of penis enlargement
  • Hitler
  • STARS
  • Nazi
  • The Death of Michael Jackson
  • Cancer
  • Why all kids should be hanged.
  • The Death of Michael Jackson
  • Nein
  • Bad News
  • The Death of Michael Jackson
  • Bullying: A national epidemic
  • Cilit Bang
  • Global Warming
  • People Getting Offended By "Merry Christmas"
  • The Death of Michael Jackson
  • Chavs breakiing into cars, shooting or stabbing people who didn't deserve to die and smashing things up.
  • The Spice Girls reunion tour
  • The Led Zepplin reunion gig
  • The Death of Michael Jackson
  • Billary Clinton
  • Effects of Communism on Jews
  • The Death of Michael Jackson
  • Did we mention The Death of Michael Jackson yet?
  • The Death of Michael jackson

Shocking/Sad/Awful/Good/AAAAAA!/Bad/ly drawn News

2285563980098518658S600x600Q85.jpg

Above: One example of bad news which occurred during the 2000s, an event which shocked the world

Dangers of News

The news on CNN with Chris Taylor.

Recent studies have shown that news can trigger a phenomenon known as supnewchaopanic, a clever French portmanteau which roughly translates to "super news chaos panic" in which people who watch news scramble to buy water, food, batteries, and dirty magazines in preparation for Katrina. It is also hypothesized by some scientists to be the source of weather, as only news channels know what's coming up next. Whether this is true is uncertain. You found a secret!

Black In America Series List

  1. Black in America 1
  2. Black in America 2
  3. Latino in America
  4. Canadian in America
  5. french in America
  6. French-Canadian in America
  7. Italian in America
  8. American in America
  9. American in America epidodes 2-260
  10. Martian in America: The End of the world

News Channels

MaleTV@Canada during 6:00am

News channels, such as NNN, BBC News and the Canadian MaleTV are the three main broadcasters of news on Media. CNN was first started by Casually Nice Necessities from the third dimenson. BBC News was started by Sir BBC along with SIR Bbc and Mr. BBC.co.uk. MaleTV was begun by crazy oversized people with cheese upon them. These three channels form the trinity of Media and the Press is their leader. Without press, they would be anime channels, except that MaleTV would be a Home Design channel and BBC News would be BBC Meows, a cat-care show on SixteenTV

In 1857 BBC News 24 got its biggest number of viewers, 6 and 1/3. (Tom Cruise's Great Great Lesser Great Grandfather was watching.)

People who watch the News

Breaking News Headlines!
  • Your dad
  • Your mom (less then your dad though)
  • You
  • Jack Bauer
  • Everybody who doesn't know that the news is actually Propaganda
  • Both Starsky and Hutch
  • Nobody else
  • Everyone who cares.
  • Your Nan & Grandad (obviously)
  • Ren and Stimpy
  • The Cow
  • The Flying Monkey
  • Yoshi
  • Your little sister
  • Your little sister's friend
  • The evil Chickens
  • Dodo birds
  • Garfield
  • Chikorita
  • Bigfoot
  • Bigfoot's Brother, Bigface
  • Bigfoot's Sister, Bigbutt
  • Bigfoot's Cousin, Bighand
  • An african dictator near you.
  • Rednecks
  • Man Bear Pig

See also


This article uses material from the "News" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Wackypedia

Up to date as of February 07, 2010

From Wackypedia

The CNN logo

Cat News Network, often called CNN is a 73 hour news network run by CNN Inc. The network focuses on daily cat life in the UnUnited States of Meowica. The shows are spoken in Meowian, the cat's language and is subtitled in English, Backwordian and Dramatism. The channel is able by premium packages outside of the USM, therefore needed the subtitles. CNN is most famous for the show called "The Milky Situation Closet." The network has 10 anchors, 258 for each show, CNN often says.

Contents

History

CNN started in 2077 and is still running today, in 2108.

2077-2084

CNN was started by a cat named Garfield, and some others joined. CNN started August 46, 2077. Weighing 2,556,116,684.025 pounds, Garfield did his show alone the first day for 73 straight hours with a chair 5,165,651,651,65X the size of normal and took up 2566/4 of the room. The next day he hired some other cats. They did a multitude of shows, 206 30 minute shows for the 73 hour schedule. Running for the whole day, the cats quickly got tired after 364 hours a day. Then they did a new concept in the world called re-runs, running 6/5 of the day. Fox News, actually came up with the concept and patented them, so they sued CNN for #$1,000,000,000,000 in 2081. In 2084, CNN got back on due to Garfield selling 5,556,354 pounds of his lasagna, 9/6 of his total stash for funds.

2085-2099

CNN added names to their shows, since people were ranting about how bad the shows were. So they each got a different set and name, costing 7/3 of the USM's total funds. They also added their slogan, Mewsdgdd Mewoff Mreete (Admew WoofMew), or in English, The Least Trusted Source of News (for Dogs.) As being a bad source of news for dogs, CNN almost got sued #$1,000 by Odie, Garfield's dog brother. Odie lost due to McDonald's being CNN's attorney. In 2098, CNN got kicked off the air due to George Washington , president of some foreign country suing CNN for copying off ZNN, his country's main news source. In 2099, they got back on the air.

2100-Present

Some Oddball Country's Politics On CNN For The First Time

In 2100, CNN got threatened by the dictator of the USM to stop speaking freely and speak in a one-sided view for him. People protested against him and won. CNN became political when the USM got rid of Commufasism, and adopted democracism in early 2108. So they wouldn't confuse people, they didn't get rid of the Un in their name. CNN discussed the first presidential election, Meow McCone vs. Mewoak Meowbamster. CNN still runs today and can be purchased in any country speaking English, Backwordian and Dramatism outside of the USM. It costs $4,000,000 a nanosecond. As the only TV channel in the USM, it is very popular in recent days.

Anchors

Garfield:The founding anchor and main star in the sky at night.

Mewobob:Garfield's lasagna boy.

Meowariom:Garfield's attorney

$Mewman:Garfield's workman

Blahmeow:Garfield's blabbing assistant.

Nomorenames:That's it, that's 10, isn't it.

The Shows

The Milky Situation Closet

CNN has several shows. Here are the top 6.

Your Milk:A show hosted by Garfield, talking about milk prices and supplies, as having it for their cars as an alternate fuel. #$0.000001 per gallon.

Larmeow Kingmow Live:A talk show hosted by Blahmeow with a pen name.

The Milky Situation Closet:A closet.

House Call:A hobo going to people's houses on a show.

This Month At War:A war this month. Any war.

No Show:That's all. Just a blank screen.

Unless listed, the shows are hosted by no one.

CNN's Future

CNN plans to expand to the whole Milky Way Galaxy with its programming in 2500. Then in 3000, the whole universe. Then to the spiritual worlds in 4000.

Parody And Spin-off

The Dog's Parody Of CNN

CNN inspired a spin-off news network called MSNBC (Most Suckish and Nerdy Broadcasting Corporation) run by a cat named Meill Gatemows and quickly got canceled. A parody of CNN was launched by the United States of Dogerica called CNNNN. It lasted 0.3545 episodes and got a power outage from a Game Boy being in the newsroom turned off. Then CNN sued and canceled the show.


This article uses material from the "CNN" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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