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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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Cardiff (Welsh: Caaaaaaahhhhdeff), is the International House of Whales. It is located off the west coast of Florida. After an attempt by the English to saw of the whole of Wales and float it into the Atlantic ocean failed due to lack of funds the project was reduced in size, and only Cardiff was removed. The entire city was towed (using the flying Scotsman) all the way to the bottom of Florida, where it now rests. All the population of Cardiff are called either Dafydd or Myfanwy.
Cardiff is located off the west coast of Florida, but is "accidentally" left off many maps by the Americans

Contents

History

The name Cardiff is an Anglicisation of Welsh name "Caerdydd". Caerdydd actually means "Slag" and it's citizans known as "slags". Before the city emerged the area was a dumping ground for all the slag coming from the mines in the valleys. In modern times, the city continues to have a similar function, although all the mines have long since closed, because of Thatcher.

In 1865 Lord Butty decided to build a new empire on top of the slag heaps, and called his creation Caerdivvy before changing it to Caerdick. The first building he commissioned was a home for himself, now the City Arms pub. In front of his home he did build an enormous artificial lake. The town quickly grew and was soon the largest town in Cardiff.

Unfortunately in 1899 a raging fire devastated the city. Lord Butty Boy was heavily criticised for playing the harp while Caerdick burnt. He was swiftly replaced as Lord of Caerdick by Tom "Jones" Jones, who is a really nice local boy (from Pontypridd) you know and only 55 years old at the time.

Tom Jones, in an attempt to curry favour with the locals, and after the fantastic job he did in Llanelli, drained the Buta lake and replaced it with a giant stadium which, as it was built in 1900, was called the Millennium Stadium. The Stadium played host to gruesome sport, where brave gladiators fought off sheep, pigeons and cattle. During breaks in the battles, actors played out traditional myths of Wales - such as the slaughter of the Ffalabalam teddies, and the day Reg died on Pobl y Cwm. If the characters in the stories were scripted to die, then the actors themselves were killed. Due to this fact the famous drama school Ysgol Glanaethwy was quickly commissioned to conduct all such plays.

Such sports were banned in 1976 and the stadium became disused. Rumours abound that the gruesome sports continued illegally under the new name of Rugby.

The famous Roath park gardens have been closed to the public for two generations. Eyewitness reports from drunkards who have dared to enter the park consist of bloodthirsty beasts and poisonous reptiles. Recently the famous Iolo (anonymous star of Iolo's Wild Wales, Iolo's Natural History of Wales, Iolo's Special Reserves, Iolo's Welsh Safari and Iolo's Border Country) recorded a special programme called Iolo's Roath which was set to reveal the mysteries of Roath Park. Unfortunately a directorial mistake led to the whole episode being filmed in the Roath Park pub. The footage has been rebranded as Iolo's Drunken Exploits and will be screened on E! this autumn.

Culture

Cardiff is a culturally rich city. The culture of binge drinking, being raped in back alleys off St Mary's and mouth-breathing chavs shouting abuse at passers by has attracted tourists from as far away as Barry and Cathays Park.

The National Museum of Wales is located in Cardiff and is a wonderful place if you want to seek refuge from… well, everyone as it's always empty. It has toilet facilities. Sometimes the toilets flush.

The Cardiff International Arena (aka Belsen) is a great venue if you want to watch your favourite bands play in possibly the worst venue in Britain and half suffocate in the process. If you enjoy your live music to be a loud, muddy mess of sound, than this is the place to go. You can even get mugged after the gig as you hastily make your way out of the city centre. Although don't worry too much about this as they can't run far when full up of chips and frozen meals.

Sport

Sport is very popular in Cardiff despite the city's 100% morbid obesity rate and the city has always been well known for the continuous stream of quality sports on show (which anyone has yet to see). Cardiff has seen its fair share of dramatic matches won against all odds. Wales' stunning defeat of Hartlepool's junior league club (11-13 year olds) is the first of some to spring to mind. In the first English-Welsh dictionary where the word for "Sport" was switched with the word for "All Day Piss Up While Wearing Glittery Cowboy Hats." Other sports from the city come in the form of Cardiff City Football Club, also known as 'The Bluetits'. Cardiff City are noticeably the most famous football club in India because of the famous Ayatolla. Cardiff City plays at Legoland Stadium. Yes it looks like a generic stadium but was surprising knocked up by the kids at ELC is 21 days. CwmLegoland has been hailed as an architectural success however they don't know what to do with the single red pointy bits so will send them to Newport for art displays.

Television

Cardiff is the home of the popular TV game show "Doctor Who?" The enthralling series was finally won by Delyth Llywelyn ap Richard Parry Ednyfed when she correctly guessed the Doctor's full name to be "Doctor Karl Kennedy".

After the documentary series Torchwood was filmed in Cardiff in 2006, the city became a Mecca for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and dodgy people everywhere. The show featured the misadventures of prominent trisexual and pervert Captain Jack Harkness up until his death by firing squad in the final episode. In February 2007, Cardiff was crowned 'Gay Capital of the World', taking the title from the city of San Fransisco, who had held it for the previous sixty years. Sadly, plans for CSI: Cardiff were dropped when it was discovered it could not possibly be remotely life like. Researchers found that DNA profiles and dental records could not be verified. 1 because 80% of the inhabitabts shared the same DNA and no dental records have ever been found.

Economy

Cardiff's retail economy is split into two diverse parts, the first in Canton and the second on Albany Road. The former consists of charity shops, takeaways pubs and Greggs. The latter consists of takeaways, pubs, charity shops and Greggs. Sadly the well-known luxury store HyperValue has closed and re-opened as Value Savers, There is a Cash converters over the road where local Chavs sell their Nans DVDs so they can buy some weed.

A brand new redevelopment in Cardiff, City Road, is catching up fast as a thriving late night attraction. It is popular with those looking for a different vibe to Canton and Albany Road. It consists of takeaways, pubs Spar and takeaways - the Road has unfortunately failed in it's recent bid to attract a Greggs.

Tourism

Tourism is thriving in Cardiff. The nearby Welsh Underwater Valleys account for 99% of tourism to Cardiff. Such visitors arrive by Water-Train in their thousands every Friday night to marvel at sophisticated urban sights like bendy buses and traffic lights. They wear the traditional Welsh costumes such as Superman, that fat bloke off Little Britain and Zorro. After 11pm, tourists congregate on St Mary's Street where they engage in quaint peasant activities such as peeing in shop doorways, vomiting on their girlfriends, vomiting in their girlfriends, and fighting. This is followed by a trip to Queen Street and the historic Welsh tradition of placing a traffic cone on top of the statue of Aneurin Bevin.

Industry

Cardiff has a booming industry centred around St Mary's Street. Large, successful businesses ply their trade on this street and employ 94% of Cardiff's population (the walkabout employs about 19% alone). The remaining 6% work for the Welsh County Council. Or at the Park Vaults pub.

War

For the last eighteen years, Cardiff has been at total and absolute war with the rebel strongholds of Bristol and Llwynycia. At the last tally the death toll was 198,326, although most of that number were unimportant animals such as dogs, chickens, rats or tractor driving, straw sucking Worzels.

Transport

Cardiff is served by bendy-buses, but note that the rear section is reserved for Pikeys only. You must be under 14, have a child, a loud shouty accent, the Clap and play music out loud of your phone to sit there.

Also the Valleys metro trains bring ginger Pikeys from the Valleys for their shoppen' in Poundland on Saturdays.

Cardiff is also a stop on the World Metro, with journey times to Australia roughly 15 minutes, changing at New York.

Demographics

Results from the 2001 census

  • Population: Yes
  • Gender
    • Male: 42%
    • Female: 50%
    • Unsure: 18%
  • Race
    • Immigrants from Swansea looking for a better life: 0.23%
    • Rugbymans: 41%
    • Taffian 36%
  • Jeremy Kyle
    • Audience members: 147%
    • 'Guests': 53%
  • Druggies
    • Glue sniffers outside Cardiff Central Station: 255% (233% if it's raining)
  • Occupation
    • Stuck-up students and farmer's sons from Gloucester: 80%
  • Language
    • Welsh speakers: 73 (Not percent, just 73)
  • Housing
    • Reside in an upmarket apartment: 35%
    • Reside in a upside-down apartment: 14%
    • Reside in a terraced house: 22%
    • Reside in a terrorist's house: 6%
    • Reside in tower blocks: 19%
    • Reside in a tower of boxes: 4%

Sightseeing in Cardiff

Cardiff contains all the landmarks in Wales:

  • Cardiff Castle - stolen from Llanelli in 1495. Due to the resulting controversy it was decided in 1500 that half the castle would be returned to Llanelli, in exchange for a dragon. Unfortunately the dragon subsequently ate half the population of Cardiff and destroyed much of the city. It was eventually fought off by Shirley "Tiger Bay Tiger" Tiger-Bassey in a naked mud wrestle. Although Bassey was victorious it has been rumoured that she lost the use of her left nipple, although her right one still works and picks up Classic FM just fine if you tilt her head. By 2007 the castle was completely destroyed by tourists so a giant replica bouncy castle was built right on top of the ruins.
  • Cardiff Bay - the excrement from the dragon was left here for many years, mainly to keep the Penarthians away from the city. Has now been cleaned up and replaced by the Labour Welsh Assembly Government. So no improvement there, then. There are also plenty of flats and apartments for sale to anyone who is that stupid to think that it constitutes as 'cosmopolitan living'
  • Queen Street (Welsh for "the Street of the Queen") - home to Aneruin Bevan, legendry singer and sex-bomb Toy Mic Trev, the HMV dog and sleeping drunks. Perfect location to play 'spot the slag'.
  • The Millennium Stadium - officially the UK's best and most misspelt stadium. Give them a break, the is a hard word for a Welsh person.
  • Ikea - a large store created by the Welshman Sion Ikea Owen (also known as Owen-Williams to hide from angry people complaining about missing parts). The store makes its millions by tricking the customers into thinking it's good to have to build their own furniture.
  • The Wales White Elephant - an auditorium where Cardiffians gather to watch pagan druids torture and dismember English prisoners of war. Millennium Centre tickets are free and every night one lucky member of the crowd gets to stab an Englishman in the eye.
  • The Glamorgan Cricket Club - home to the world's longest losing streak. The streak is known worldwide for being in existence longer than the club itself - currently 1057 years.
  • Newport - Cardiff's largest bus stop.
  • Swansea - Home to Cardiff's largest peg shop and caravan site.

See Also


This article uses material from the "Cardiff" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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