Charlie Chaplin: Wikis


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“If comedy isn't waddling around with a bowler hat and cane, then I don't know comedy.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Charlie Chaplin
Chaplin regales Hollywood dinner guests in 1935 with his tales of delicious Galapagos turtles

Charles Spencer Chaplin (April 16, 1889 - December 25, 1977) was a noted Canadian Thespian, noted tireless womanizer, and noted inventor of the "Hitler Mustache", a mustache that would be responsible for one of the most destructive wars in all of human history.

Chaplin himself was neither responsible for World War II nor any other war, though he has been blamed by Saddam Hussein for indirectly precipitating his downfall and was considered by Ken Watanabe as "one of the five or six best non-Japanese actors of our time."

Contents

The Chaplin-Hitler Paradox

Chaplin, spotting yet another young conquest.

Historians have long argued about the Chaplin-Hitler Paradox, which states:

  1. Charlie Chaplin begat Hitler
  2. Hitler begat The Great Dictator
  3. The Great Dictator is responsible for start of World War II in 1939
  4. Possibly due to his part in starting World War II, The Great Dictator committed suicide at the end of World War II
  5. Charlie Chaplin survived World War II

How is this possible? Historians have been known to adjust their watches to Greenwich Mean Time when posed this dilemma, then shake their heads and mutter, "Mashed potatoes! It's always the fucking mashed potatoes with you, Edna!" No aspect of watches, mashed potatoes or Edna has brought any satisfying answer to the paradox, which is pretty much why it remains a paradox. I think that's right, I mean, don't make me look up paradox or anything. Okay, I'll make up my own definition:

  • paradox (noun) A paradox is a result of a paradoxical situation.

In any case, Hitler, widely believed to have idolized Chaplin, based his entire rise to power on Chaplin's film A Dog's Life. Chaplin, incensed that a fascist Austrian politician had stolen his look and lifelong ambition to unite the German people, angrily wrote a letter to Hitler in the spring of 1933. The letter reads:

Dear Mssr. Hilter,
It has come to my attention in recent Months that you, Mssr. Adolf Hitler, are in the process of uniting the German people. This, sir, is a direct plagiarism of my idea to do so, which was seen the World over in A Dog's Life. It has also come to my esteemed notice that your facial Whisker Stylings have encompassed my Look, i.e., "the Chaplin Tramp 'Stache". I intend to inform you with this Note that my 'stache is currently awaiting approval in the United States Patent Office for patent number 3,474,219. Please cease and desist from both your attempt to better the German people and your inappropriate usage of my valuable Facial Whiskers.

Yours, CHARLES CHAPLIN

Hitler wrote back, but since no one here speaks German (or Austrian, or Swiss, or any Germanic language), we had Terry the near-sighted intern put his response through Babel Fish, and this is what we got:

Dearest Madame Bishop,
How good it is that where we are is there, and while there, that we may have times. Many times. How can it be, if we are to go there, can we come then? If coming from by that is to be, then Düsseldorf is the city of place, a time of many that we share in days. Three. Four. I can believe accomplishments of bears means once then only if the bear has come by what it means. Money.

You are, CHANCELLOR ADOLPHUS HITLER

This is boring. I'm off to play Sudoku, though I should admit all I do is enter "1" in the empty squares. Sure, that's not how they want you to play, but that's how I play. My best time yet is thirteen seconds!

Chaplin Loves The Ladies

Uh oh! Charlie is about to be assaulted by a Dalek "Ex-ter-mi-nate!"

Chaplin was known for his particular interest in significantly younger women. His vices led to a record 23.7 marriages and 54 paternity suits during his life time. Some highlights include:

  • Lolita, a sultry, young, flat-chested blonde who claimed during the high point of his film career that he was the father of her still-yet-to-be-born child. Chaplin refuted this claim until a DNA test proved he wasn't the father, and then refuted it again when he was corrected that scientists said "WASN'T".
  • Myra Gale Brown, Jerry Lee Lewis' future bride. Chaplin considered her "not too young" but "not naive enough".
  • Shirley Temple. As Shirley was only age 6, public morals required them to be married to star as lovers in Preteen Slut: The Good Ship Lollipop.
  • Tootie from The Facts of Life. Chaplin "kept getting caught in her braces."
  • Oscar Wilde. Wilde later complained about Chaplin's "lack of taste" and Chaplin complained about Wilde's "lack of vagina."

Chaplin's final marriage was to near-fetus Oona O'Neill, daughter of playwright Eugene O'Neill, lasted some time (how much time exactly - depends who's that your asking) until his death. Chaplin noted that she was "just homely enough" and "more willing to change a bedpan" than any previous wife he had. He twice shot and twice killed actress Theda Bara — the first time Chaplin thought he was shooting Fatty Arbuckle, who had beaten Chaplin to an insensate, drunken Missouri girl; the second time was strictly to spite Dr. Alan Alda.

Biography

Not all of Chaplin's life was about war and poontang. Oh, heavens no. He did some other stuff, and that stuff is written here for your information!

Humble, Jerky Beginnings

After Chaplin's birth, his wacky antics and exaggerated, jerky movements endeared him to his parents, who promptly placed him in an orphanage. There he would stay, writing postcards to himself and growing his trademark moustache until the age of 21. Over the years, Chaplin developed two chief dreams: one, to sail around the world, and two, to act in silent films.

A Man With a Dream and a Boat

He left the orphanage in 1910 with nothing but a rumpled suit, bowler hat and wobbly cane and waddled comically to Buckingham Palace, where he proposed a whimsical voyage around the world to the King. The King, out of pity, commissioned Chaplin with a ship of the line, the man'o'war H.M.S Wensleydale, fitted with a stout crew of certified accountants and the criminally insane.

After embarking, Chaplin discovered Iceland, and duly claimed it for the British Crown. Chaplin's voyage took him from the tumultuous Atlantic to the equally tumultuous Pacific. At the Galapagos Islands, Chaplin suffered a mutiny. Abandoned on the islands by his traitorous crew, he spent several years painstakingly cataloging, and then eating, the various flora and fauna there.

Emboldened by his delicious and exotic diet, Chaplin eventually constructed a working vessel out of turtle shells and seaweed. He then sailed his vessel, which he dubbed the We All Live in a Yellow Submarine, thousands of nautical miles to California and landed somewhere in Santa Monica Bay.

Let the Good Times Roll, Stop, and Then Catch on Fire

After landing, he waddled comically all the way to Hollywood and he became an overnight sensation. Chaplin made over 100 films, several of which were actually released, and some of those were widely enjoyed by a very few people.

Perhaps his most controversial film was very loosely based on both his experiences at sea and his romantic trysts with much, much, much younger women. This 1934 film starred 45-year-old Chaplin and 6-year-old Shirley Temple, and was called Pre-teen Slut II: The Good Ship Lollipop. The most famous moment in the black and white film is the bathtub scene. When Shirley asks Uncle Charlie the name of his male member which appears to be floating on the top of the water, Chaplain tells her it's named "Lollipop." Shirley then sings and performs the most famous song of her career, "On the Good Ship Lollipop."

During Chaplin's film career, he became a champion of ferret's rights when not trying to stick his willy into unspeakable places on delicate young ladies of leisure. His contentious views on ferrets (and indeed all of family muselidae), not his sex-crazed lifestyle, rankled President Dwight "Mike and Ike" Eisenhower, which lead to the deportation of Chaplin and several dozen ferrets to the wilderness of Switzerland in 1955.

Chaplin was pardoned by Marshall Tito of Yugoslavia in 1965, allowing Chaplin, but not his ferrets, to return to Hollywood. In 1966, Chaplin made his final film, A Countess from Hong Kong, which was widely panned as being the last film Chaplin would ever make.

The Sad Ending

Furious, destitute, and slightly drowsy, Chaplin spent his remaining years in a cabin in the badlands of Wyoming, writing his manifesto until his death in 1977. The manifesto, entitled I Invented the Most Dangerous Moustache In the World, was only three and a half pages long, double spaced, and was mostly an account of a particularly delicious turtle Chaplin had eaten while marooned earlier in the century.

The Rebirth?

In 1996, some villagers in Zagreb were blamed in the murder of a fellow villager. During their trial, they stated that "it wasn't them" at all. While this on its own is not very surprising (given the usually disingenuous nature of most Zagrebians) they insisted that Charlie Chaplin was the murderer.

Despite the fact that he had been dead for nineteen years, the court wouldn't put it past the corpse of Chaplin to have done such a thing. Furthermore, the court was so impressed with the complete lack of evidence that Chaplin was somehow involved that they released the defendants and indicted Chaplin in their stead.

Chaplin is still at large.

Filmmakers of the World (and America)
Epic Visionaries

Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Don Bluth | Peter Bogdanovich | Tim Burton | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | Terry Gilliam | Norman Grossfeld | Alfred Hitchcock | John Hughes | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Abbas Kiarostami | Stanley Kubrick | Sergio Leone | David Lynch | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Quentin Tarantino | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | Robert Rodriguez | Zack Snyder

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Mel Gibson | Uwe Boll | John Carpenter | Kevin Costner | David Cronenberg | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Peter Jackson | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Eli Roth | M. Night Shyamalan | Blitz Smith | Kevin Smith | Alan Smithee | Sylvester Stallone | Ben Stiller | Billy Bob Thornton | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Jean-Luc Godard | Fritz Lang | Jerry Lewis | Rob Schneider | François Truffaut

Highly Confusing in Japan

Dario Argento | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Hayao Miyazaki | Mr. Takashi of Japan

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

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See Also


This article uses material from the "Charlie Chaplin" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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