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Citizen Kane: Wikis


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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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Spoiler warning: Plot spoilers, such as the fact that

ROSEBUD IS A SLED!,

may follow. Read on at your own discretion.
The poster for Citizen Kane.

Citizen Kane is generally believed to be the worst movie ever. The only people who even like it are the (dumb) critics, Citizen Kane (Although he only mildly enjoyed it because they "got my extreme coolness and glory JUST right"), and Unicron, Orson Welle's secret animated identity.

In 2011 a poll was taken determining the "Best films in a specific genre". Citizen Kane won both the "most-easily-fall-asleepable" category and the "Biggest-2-hours-wasted-for-a-bollocks-revelation-at-the-end" category.

Ooooooh it's soooooo clever because it's mythical and deep on so many levels. Oooooooh, marvel at the cliche morals such as "Sled's can't buy you love" and "Earwax isn't everything"

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Citizen Kane.

Contents

The Greatest Prank of All Time

"Citizen Kane" is acknowledged to be the Greatest Prank of All Time, as the film not only was made in three days for a budget of less than $300 dollars but was originally filmed as a birthday gift for Welles' aunt, who opened it, smiled nicely, and set it aside.

The Second Greatest Prank of All Time

Balloon Boy, a cunning lad, the tale too well known to be summarized here.

The Third Greatest Prank of All Time

One day, Orson Welles got on the radio and broadcasting War or the Worlds. Thousands of middle aged house wives and Mexicans actually believed that aliens were invading the planet and they proceeded to scream hysterically in the middle of the streets, in broad daylight. The next day, Welles claimed that everything was a big prank, the biggest so far in history, and simultaneously invented the phrases 'owned' and 'shitted on' to profess himself the greatest prankster of all time.

Next, Welles had an ever greater prank that was designed to trick everyone, not just the Mexicans. He directed Citizen Kane by stealing the best bits and pieces of other movies and putting them all into his own. Since that day, Citizen Kane has been given accolade as the greatest movie of all time. Welles never told anyone about the prank and it has been 'owning' people ever since. The people were too stupid to remember that this was the same rat bastard who tricked all of the Mexicans with War of the Worlds; they weren't expecting a prank of such a large magnitude. Welles even admitted this all in his documentary F For Fake but everyone was too concerned with finding new ways to consider it one of the greatest movies ever made.

Welles has since been the greatest prankster of all time. Even today dumb critics claim that Citizen Kane is the greatest movie of all time without realize that they're being tricked.

Director & Inception

Citizens Came: Master film of warped actor/director Bugs Bunny, in which he camouflaged himself expertly to look exactly like Orson Welles before he achieved his lifetime ambition and became a Whale. The Film was originally entitled Citizen Kandy Kane but this was changed when Bugs's little known sister, Kandy was town down in a tragic combine harvester accident and could no longer play the lead female role.

Bugs decided to work on black and white Filmstock, having rejected orange for reasons that it looked too much like a carrot and colour because he was on Acid and it scared him too much. Some have theorised he was not on acid but Weed which meant he had the munchies and this would indeed seem to account for the lack of orange, his earlier films (Such as Gunfight at the OK Carrot & The Third Man, Growing Carrots.)

While the film was acclaimed as a masterpiece its writing took a lot out of Bugs, causing a break with his then girlfriend Marilyn Monroe and stresses with his friend Karl Marx.

Plot

Rosebud is a sled. Citizen Kane used to play with it before he grew up and became all rich and evil. They burn it in the end. You happy?

Oh - wait. I almost forgot.

Spoiler

Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Sam dies in "My Brother Sam is Dead", the alien scum was distracting Duke Nukem all along while their real invasion force was moving in on Earth, they save Private Ryan, but they all get killed, Ocelot works for the Patriots, Austin Powers and Dr. Evil are brothers, Ender kills Bonzo, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

A photo of Mr. Kane in his prime

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes...

The plot follows the life of Bugs as Orson Welles, doing such things as founding a newspaper and eventually the construction of Warner Brothers. His life begins in a small shack in the hills where his mother gives him away to ensure that the new genetically modified carrot field she has discovered will be his on his 18th birthday. This he reaches and is immensely rich but this does not bring satisfaction and Orsone/Bugs becomes a playboy. He sets up a newspaper and instantly shoots all his competeition therfore ensuring his success in the field. When the police complain he has their offices tunneled under and they collapse into the hole.

As he gets older bugs marries but becomes unhappy with his wife and sells her on eBay to Mickey Mouse thereby causing an infinite number of cross company lawsuits.

Finally in his old age Orson becomes unhinged and stockpiles junk in his massive Nuclear Bunker. When he finally dies however we realise that the only thing bugs ever wanted was his last word, Rosewater, which was his personal Chamberpot.

File:Citizen Kane.jpg

Memorable Quotes

"We know a remote farm in Lincolnshire, where Mrs. Buckley lives. In July, peas grow there...That doesn't make any sense. Sorry. There's no known way of saying an English sentence in which you begin a sentence with "in" and emphasize it. Get me a jury and show me how you can say "In July" and I'll go down on you!"

"We know a little place in the American Far West, where Charlie Briggs chops up the finest prairie-fed beef...This is a lot of shit, you know that?...Ycan't emphasize "beef!" Yhat's like his wanting me to emphasize "in" before "July"! Come on, fellows, you're losing your heads! I wouldn't direct any living actor like this in Shakespeare! The way you do this, it's impossible!"

"I spend twenty times more for you people than any other commercial I've ever made. You are such pests! Now what is it you want? In your - depths of your ignorance, what is it you want? Whatever it is you want, I can't deliver, 'cause I just don't see it. It isn't worth it. No money is worth this."

"NO! I'm going to finish writing his article, just as he started it... only now it's also about Jed raping a squirrel."

"Put down that liquor and ask yourself "is it reasonable for me to be here, in Hitler's Germany, wearing this hat and these galoshes?". That's right, Chuck, it isn't. Now get on this Zeppelin and take a shower."

"This sherry tastes like shit"

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning"

"Hashbuds."

Cast

Orson Welles...Charles Foster Kane also known for his role as The Brain

Waldo J. Cartridge...reporter #1

Alyson Hannigan...Susan Alexander Kane

Agnes Moorehead...Mary Kane

Orson T. Pig...Charles Foster Kane...when he was a child.

Rosebud... Sled

Fire...as the fire that burns the sled


This article uses material from the "Citizen Kane" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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