David Cronenberg: Wikis


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THIS ARTICLE A SPLODE.

David Cronenberg (January 35, 1705-February 14, 2016)

Contents

Beginning Years

Cronenberg, the most famous horror & porn director of all time, was born in Toronto, Ontario, Neutral Zone on January 35, 1705 (although other sources claim 1919). Orignally David was not David but Davidina Cronenberg and a woman. In the late 1960s, she began a relationship with Chuck Norris. She appeared in eight verified 8mm hard-core fetish loops. Her breakthrough came with the feature Deep Shiver (1672). Surprisingly, the film became a runaway hit, playing to sell-out crowds in "respectable" cinemas; it is still considered the quintessential film of all time. With her newfound celebrity, Davidina divorced Norris, but was unable to sustain a movie career.

The Transformation

fly.jpg

After her career as an actress failed she went out to Doctor Emmett Brown to be mutated into something else. At first the process of the mutation went wrong and Davidina became a fly, hence the movie 'The Fly' was made years later by Davidina's new identity, namely David Cronenberg. Doctor Emmett Brown then went on into a new direction called the 'malenizer' pod. With this pod, Doc Brown was able to mutate Davidina into a fully respected man. Davidina did not became a woman trapped in a man but she was fully transefered into a male, with male feelings, a male way of thinking, basically the typical man. Beneath here is picture of how David Cronenberg looks today.

cronenberg_250.jpg

The Directing Years

David developed an obsessive interest in gory stuff. Endeavoring to produce horror and SciFi movies, but unable to find funding without a good taste of porn, David's creativity was bounded only by good taste. The successful movie 'Videotrone' is horror / erotica genre in this period, starring Debbie Harry who won an Oscar for her undressed scenes. The film 'The Fly' is more or less an autobiography of David's sex life. Failure came back again in 1990 when David brought out the movie 'Dead Singers', as really nobody is interested in hearing dead chants of dead singers for 90 minutes!

A New Mutation

This time in his career, Cronenberg seriously needed medical help, and consulted doctor Seth Brundle. The young scientist was flabbergasted and honored that such a big fly-boy movie director would come to him:

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Just like the first time with Doc Brown in Back to the Future, things went terribly wrong and Cronenberg transitioned to insanity instead:

cronenberg-bk.jpg

But being the young and brilliant scientist that Seth is, he managed to dress David back into more or less the same David Cronenberg that we never have known or loved (Cronenberg began to require vision correction because of the many laser lights and mutations):

cronenberg.jpg

The Second Coming As Director

With mutation, David decided that he wanted to further pursue his work as a movie director. Again his first movies were successful. 'tRanCedenZ' was the most successful one and starred Jennifer Jason Leighand the from parkinson cured Michael J. Fox. In between David made a few more new misses, but he's back and as good as ever with the new film 'A History of Snakes' starring Debbie Harry again. That film might bring back the old David again.

David died after being bitten by one a stunt snake on location.

Filmography

  • Deep Shiver (1672)
  • The Living Zone (1700)
  • Videotrone (1985)
  • The Fly (1987)
  • Dead Singers (1990)
  • Spidersweb (1995)
  • tRanCedenZ (1997)
  • Pipe My Kiss (1998)
  • On The Shelf Side (1999)
  • 48 Crash (2000)
  • To Be David Or To Not Be Him (2001)
  • Jason Lives In The 13th Floor (2004)
  • My Pressure On You (2005)
  • Holy Shit, Did We Just See Viggo Mortensen's Dong? (2007)
  • DDR Promises (2008)
  • A History of Snakes (2011)

The Weirdness

Finally, the weirdness... although it has never been proven some people say that before Seth got Cronenberg back, he had mutated into known directors such as Stanley Kubrick and Steven Spielberg. Supposedly in the 5 years between Dead Singers and Spidersweb, David made movies from 1991 to 1995 as Stanley Kubrick, Steven Spielberg and David Lynch. The exact movies were made by these 3 men while being incorperated with David's personality is unknown. Maybe some day someone will be able to shed a light on the mystery of good cinema.

Quotes

  • "It's the flesh...the flesh! Get it off of me!!!"

Sometimes Credited As:

Filmmakers of the World (and America)
Epic Visionaries

Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Don Bluth | Peter Bogdanovich | Tim Burton | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | Terry Gilliam | Norman Grossfeld | Alfred Hitchcock | John Hughes | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Abbas Kiarostami | Stanley Kubrick | Sergio Leone | David Lynch | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Quentin Tarantino | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | Robert Rodriguez | Zack Snyder

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Mel Gibson | Uwe Boll | John Carpenter | Kevin Costner | David Cronenberg | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Peter Jackson | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Eli Roth | M. Night Shyamalan | Blitz Smith | Kevin Smith | Alan Smithee | Sylvester Stallone | Ben Stiller | Billy Bob Thornton | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Jean-Luc Godard | Fritz Lang | Jerry Lewis | Rob Schneider | François Truffaut

Highly Confusing in Japan

Dario Argento | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Hayao Miyazaki | Mr. Takashi of Japan

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

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This article uses material from the "David Cronenberg" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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