Death: Wikis


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Uncyclopedia

Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Death.
      Whoops! Maybe you were looking for you are dead?
“DEATH KILLS!”
~ Captain Obvious and his fellow campaigners for the world-wide banning of death

Death goes by different guises in different cultures. Death lives in Sweden. To Europeans, she is the Grim Reaper, a scythe-wielding skeleton in black robes. In the Bible, she is depicted as a pale figure on a pale horse. To the Hindus, Death is called Yama, and rides a black buffalo. To the Creatures of the Moon, she is a an asteroid collision. However, it is widely accepted that Death actually is a blue screen. This is a myth, and she has, since the beginning of time, stayed as a 21 year old girl, accept when visiting Mormons, when she takes on her more tradional form of the skeleton in a robe to scare them (She hates Mormons). Death took a holiday during 442-443[1], as a consequence she had to send in some plagues a little bit later. This was widely accepted as proper work.

Contents

Background

WE ARE ALL DOOMED TO DEATH!!!!!!!!!!
Back in her teenage years, Death had a rivalry with Cupid for unknown reasons. Maybe she just hated winged midgets.

Death (known as 'Evy' to her friends) first got her job years at the beginning of time. God walks up to Death and said, "Hey, I got a job I need someone to do. You doing anything right now?" And Death replied, "Sure, the Apocalypse things screwed anywaay, I've got nothing better on." God goes, "OK, great. See, we've got this little problem..." and he explains all about Eve, and the snake, and the apple and how now everything has to die. Death thinks man, this is kind of extreme... if you don't want people grabbing your fruit, just put it in a fruit bowl in your kitchen like a normal person. But hey, who's gonna argue with God? Death was then given the ability to reward or punish the living. She was given the power to know what all people are doing, all the time. She was given an apartment on level seven in heaven, above St. Peters apartment (He complains about the noise every weekend due to her penchant to host 48 hours parties with her on-off boyfriend, who she met on her holiday in 442-443 AD). And she was given the power to travel rapidly across the world to do her work, visiting every house in the world in one evening if she has to. So when you think about it, Death is sorta like Santa... only that she doesn't do it to sniff little girl's panties in the night.

Originally, Death didn't have a scythe. This was because it was still Stone Age times and they didn't have any metal tools. So she had to make do the available technology, and she would carry a pointy stick, or a big rock, and she wore the skin of a black bear. In the Middle Ages, Death took on her familiar scythe-and-cloak appearance. After a few hundred years, Death got sick of wearing a black snuggie all the time. After consulting her BFF Sailor Jupiter, she decided to wear a little black dress so she could have a flawless transition from tearing souls from people's bodies during the day to tearing up the dance floor with the Jesus Christ at the club. These days, Death likes to wear a black raincoat and carries a weed-whacker. She still like minidresses, though. They're hawt. In the future, she will wear a tuxedo and carry a gun. At parties her attire consists of exclusivly D&G talior made clothes, varying from full length dresses to jeans and t-shirt. However, these are never in any colour but black. She wears black eye-liner and lipstick, but no foundation, due to the perfect nature of her skin. Becasue of this, she used to work for Olay as a second job during the heavenly resession, but since has dropped the job.

Death has gone on record saying her favourite food is Chocolate, however new sources say that it may be Tubby Custard. It has also come to light that she likes Margeritas in the 3:1:1 style (Tequila:Triple Sec:Lime Juice).

Personal Life

Death enjoys misscarrages', baseball, dark clothing, warm cups of tea, stabbing everyone and everything, reading novels by Stephen King, ballet, long walks on the beach, poking other dead things with sticks, shopping, listening to SlipKnoT, playing with her dog Cerberus, spending time with Allah, ripping the souls of the living from the coils of their rapidly cooling flesh, kittens and Indian food. Although sometimes confused with fags and emo fags kids, Death simply wears black because it is both slimming on all figures and hides the stains well (which her work involves a lot of), and actually prefers listening to old-school country and '80s music. Death is also a cosplayer, and with her buddies, will dress up as the Soul Society. She also has been seen giving fasion advice to her fellow Horsemen of the Apocolpyse. Other things she does on her time off include retail shopping, going to the cinema, having a manicure with her best freind Stacy, having slumber parties wth the rest of her freinds, editing her Facebook status (Death is addicted to Facebook) and rejecting offers to go on dates (except those ordained by Destinty which will result in a corpse).

Personal likes of Death include cigarettes, NASCAR (mostly she likes to watch the crashes), funerals, nightclubs, highly communicable diseases, russian roulette, horror films, Costa Coffee, her on-off boyfreind and RIPPING OUT YOUR SOUL WITH HER BARE HANDS. Things Death dislikes include peace treaties, vaccines, bouncers that won't let her in, seatbelts, Miley Cyrus, her on-off boyfreind, looking both ways before crossing the street and her biggest hate, Starbucks.

Death also likes to eat at the various fast food restaurants around the USA, and therefore cursing them...

Dealing with Death

Avoid 20-Sided Dies

Although Death's entire purpose is to reap the souls of the living, she must closely follow the rules laid down for the afterlife. So in terms of alignment, she's lawful evil. This means that it is possible to bargain with Death. Death is partial to games- she loves nothing more than a good game, so if you find yourself face to face with the Reaper, it may be possible to offer to play against her for your life. Traditionally, this has meant a game of chess or a card game. These days, Death is into Halo, and many a poor noob has gambled with his life, only to be pwned by Death's wicked Halo skills. Occasionaly, she is challanged to a game of solitaire, which is the only game she cannot play. These challengers are normally found at the bottom of well's several days after they challenge her

How to benefit from death...

  1. You might be "willed" some of their stuff.
  2. You can call dibs on their colour TV.
  3. You can then play with your new stuff.
  4. One person will be taken out of the gene pool, i.e.: more possible sex for you.
  5. They will have no children, so the little pricks won't disturb your peace.
  6. They will take up less physical space, which means they will not breathe air that could be yours, and you can live in a bigger house.
  7. They won't take as much food, which means that the double cheeseburger you just ordered is ALL YOURS.
  8. You're one car length up in traffic tomorrow!
  9. There is an 80% chance they were an idiot so, hey, no harm done.
  10. Their girlfriend/boyfriend is now "open to the public". (Downside: If YOU die YOUR girlfriend/boyfriend is now "Open to the public" and in need of comforting.)
  11. If he/she was French, one less person spreading terrible smells!
  12. No more of those awkward moments when you are stealing his/her wife/husband, money, children, funk, or juicy stuff.
  13. Death is sometimes good, like when that asshole in front of you in line in the bank is COUNTING ALL OF HIS MONEY IN PENNIES.
  14. If you are starving, the dead body will satisfy your stomach and (ahem) other needs
  15. If you're in a war and all you your enemies are dead in their base, then ALL THEIR BASE ARE BELONG TO YOU!!!
  16. You could be their long lost nephew and they probably might have been your millionaire uncle and you could inherit thier money. But in order to do so you would have to spend 30 million in 30 days in order to get the money with a set list of guidlines to follow resulting in hilarious shenanigans, and probably resulting in a film based on this venture co-starring john candy.
  17. You will have yet another excuse to whine about on Facebook, Twitter, etc.
  18. If the person died by old age, instantly run to buy a lottery ticket. Your Chances of winning might increase by 250%.

Famous Last Words

“ I push this button and...a grue apears”
“ Don't worry, I won't fall.”
“ FUCK YOU, CHUCK!!”
~ A very dumb mugger
“ It tastes like chicken.”
~ Zach Tyler
“ You point it this way, right?”
“ Hey look, a deer. Get it Bill!”
~ Dick Cheney's hunting buddy
“ 10 seconds. heck, I only need 5.”
“ Don't worry. It's only a myth that bulls like red.”
~ Rodeo Clown
“ two plus two equals four point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one. ”
~ Hal
“ Go away, I'm all right.”
~ H. G. Wells
“ SUCCESS! I finally did it. A light bulb filament that won't combust.”
“ He did say to make a left here, right?.”
~ Flight 93 pilot
“ Don't worry, it's not loaded...”
~ Rocker Terry Kath of the band Chicago
“ I'm ALIVE”
“ I'm NOT”
“ Either this wallpaper goes or I do.”
“ Convertibles are my favorite.”
~ JFK
“ No, I am slain.”
~ Polonius
“ Does this necklace look tight to you?”
~ Saddam Hussien
“ Owww!!!”
“ Billy Mays here with the DingKing”
“ I told you violence kills”
“ I have a dream”
“ It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood”
“ Death kills you!”
~ Soviet Russian
“ Brutus is my best friend.”
“ Bob,I have cancer...”
~ The Marlboro Country cowboy

World's Leading Causes of Death

Having been spooked by death and the uncertainty about existence following it, governments have taken to studying the causes of death. (At first they used witchcraft, and then masturbation, before settling on asking people at funerals how the guest of honor died. Nowadays, they pounce on doctors and guro specialists, and occasionally on each other. Or they look in fortune cookies.)

Source:
Group Cause  Percent 
of
deaths
 Deaths per 100,000 per year 
    All       Male   Female
Watching Britney Spears tap dance Suicide 100.00 A lot Most Some
Painful getting a cramp in your brain from thinking too much 29.34 268.8 278.3 259.4
failure choking on air and dying 524326 643 23465 541.
Hair Basically having too little of it (most common among hair metal bands of the 80s) 19.12 175.2 185.1 165.1
Natural Falling from a small tree and landing on your face 12.49 114.4 126.9 101.7
Disease Super AIDS 9.66 88.5 81.4 95.6
Time Travel Going back in time and killing yourself 8.66 78.5 71.4 85.6
Stupidity Being Sat On By A Giant Frog 7.96 73.7 74.8 72.5
UnNatural Raped by Madonna 6.95 63.7 63.8 63.5
Stupidity (2) trying to watch a bullet come out of a gun 6.95 63.7 63.5 63.8
A Hero Wii incident 6.81 62.2 62.2 62.2
An Hero Being Hit With A Sword By Your Own Party Member In A Tragic Case Of Mistaken Identity, While Using Caps In The Beginning Of Each Word. 6.81 62.2 62.2 62.2
An Hero Being Beaten to a Pulp By Your Fellow Party Members 6.81 62.2 62.2 62.2
Scary Giving your wife a "superman" at the wrong time of month 6.81 62.2 62.2 62.2
Friends Thinking you had any 6.60 61.8 71.1 56.9
Gun Shot Blown up with up to 6 or 7 other people in a bazooka explosion 6.34 55.8 63.3 55.8
Natural Snakes on a Plane 6.23 57.0 73.7 40.2
Old Age Living over 9000 years or losing your marbles, or both. (everyone always die another way) 0 0 0 0
War Call of Duty 4.87 44.6 46.2 45.0
Torture Listening to a 47-minute version of Freebird in the key of G by Deep South Death Metal band called Racehorse Piss. 4.56 44.2 46.1 44.7
Foolishness Being a Dirty Rotten Snitch 4.56 44.2 46.1 44.7
War Saddam's non-existent weapons of mass destruction 100 (himself) 0 0 0
Hunting Going hunting with your drunk friend and with Dick Cheney. 8.37 45.6 50.0 12.2
Pesticides Stubbing your toe. 2.64 22.2 78.0 2.5
Wands Accidentally casting magic while drunk. (For Instance Voldemort) 2.64 22.2 78.5 2.0
Suicide Like when two big guys walk up to you in a prison shower. 2.0 2.00 2.00 2.00
Screwing up Especially when you were told not to screw up. 1.00 1.00 1.00 1.00
Money/An Hero Making stupid loans and starving as result 0.64 12.2 0.5 0.7
Torture Listening to any High School Musical soundtrack, Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers (or anything else dubbed by 4kids (such as Adolf Hitler)) causes people to commit suicide 100 100 100 100
Chuck Norris Living All that will and has been 100,001 Infinity Infinity
World Health Organization, 2004, when having fun over beer and marijuana.

Having a Funeral

After you have died, it is vitally important not to move. This is because many people totally freak out when they see a dead person move. If you move after you die somebody else will see you, freak out, and die. This will result in a chain reaction known as "mass deadification" which continues to grow and will only stop when the people are too far apart to see each other. This is the reason people hate meatballs.

A funeral ceremony can be held in the house of the dead, a church, a temple or a public place, although the latter is generally not advised as it has been shown that such ceremonies often lead you on the path to Hell. The family of the dead and friends come together, remember the dead, and console each other, using hugs and comforting words, such as "I apologize for any inconvenience this death may have caused." If it is a religious ceremony, they say a Christian prayer for the dead so that his or her soul may rest in peace. There are lots of different traditions that different (evil) religions use. There is a rumour that some people have bells over the grave so if they get buried alive they can ring it and they will get dug up, this, however, is extremely rare, as it is wrong to bury someone alive.

At Christian funerals the lovely priest often says: "Hello. From earth to earth, ashes to axes, dust to wormmeat". Modern funerals have greatly changed over time. Present day (29th November 2007) funeral or memorial services now focus on celebrations of life instead of dwelling pointlessly on the sad, sad aspects of death. At many present day funerals there is a video tribute played before, after, or during the funeral service. (Well, it might have started at bar mitzvahs, graduations, and kinky sex festivals, but it's certainly metastasized to funerals.) It is a common practice for friends and family members to get up and speak about the deceased (ie son in-law) and tell about fond (and rather fake) memories of their son in-law. Memorial folders or prayer cards are handed out at many funeral services and this too is a way to personalise and lighten up death. At funerals it is not uncommon to see a "life reflection" table; family members bring favourite pictures, or memorabilia to display as yet another reminder of the deceased.

Headstones are purchased to identify the person who has been buried in a specific grave. They usually tell the date of birth and the date of death. They are not used to keep bugs (in this case Coleoptera) out of the casket, contrary to popular belief in Islamic communities.

Sometimes people are willing enough to donate their remains to a monkey named bob. That monkey will then sprinkle the cremated ashes onto some krispy kremes. that way the fat relatives will be able to visit the dead person a few times a week

Life After Death

Some people believe this happens, some don't, it has been proven by chuck norris that when you die, you become even more awesome than before, and live again, but that was chuck norris, it's different for everyone, Depending on your personality, you could....

1) Spend all of eternity in heaven

2) Be reincarnated as something until you achieve Nirvana (the band?)

3) Become a zombie and eat peoples brains, and then get killed by Will Smith

4) Come back to life as a vampire a REAL garlic fearing vampire (Not a Sparkly Douchebag)

6) Go to hell

The Costa Coffee Cult and the Great Coffee War

Deep within Deaths libary, she keeps a book within which is written the victor of the Great Coffee War. Deaht herslef knows who this si, adn deliberatly pisses everyone else of by not telling them. She is supposed to be neutral in the war and not take side, but she is ignoring this rule. Her bias in the war is towards Costa Coffee, meanign that starbucks is basicly screwed, becasue nothing can stop Death. Especsialy if they are threating to take away her favorate coffee store (Costa)

See also

Footnotes

  1. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:5th-century_deaths

External Links


This article uses material from the "Death" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Wackypedia

Up to date as of February 07, 2010

From Wackypedia

Hey, you! Yes, you! Some anally-retentive person wants you to know this article appears to have something in it that contradicts the article Soul (probably in a minor way). Please do nothing to remedy this.

Death is a course available to GCSE and A level students. Most high brow students decline the offer of death due to its lack of prestige in Universities. Death is easy to pass and only requires your soul parting with your corpse. Death is also the name of a popular celebrity who jovially steals peoples' souls on weekends. You can also get Death from eating Death Cheese and bringing it on down.

Most important fact of five seals is: NOT EVEN DEATH CAN SAVE YOU FROM ME!!!

Death and Time

Death has close connections with time. They can be used together to form deathtime, which is used since 2107i. Time is used with death using the powerful RANDOM+++ computer in the forest.

Flavors of death

IllogiNews has a story about Death:
Dead person dies of death

The most common flavors of death are:

  • Grilled salsa
  • Salt & Vinegar
  • Ranch dressing
  • Garlic

Though, local variations occur. Most notably, the most popular flavor of death in Mexico is Music. In Europe, death is most commonly served with a cold tomato soup, otherwise unflavored or pickled.

This article is part of the
ILLOGICOPEDIA GUIDE TO DEATH

Death | Dead | Dying | Died | New Death | People who are dead | Kill | Killdè
How to die | Top 10 ways to die | This article causes death
Death Cheese | Death by toaster | The hex code of death | Noodle of death
The Ultimate Destructo Death Machine | The gnomes plotting your death
How to be only slightly dead | The fly's dead | I'm dying! | Death by sparrow     Add >>>

These articles are grouped for no reason!

Mousepad | Death | Nipples | Cheese sandwich | Cow-orker | Frankenstein Slavery
Chuck Norris | Something you should click | Xenu
Super Godzilla | Fish lubricant | Stub | Don't Touch
Cheesecake of Doom | Cannibal Corpse | Blah! | Trash | Blue Light Special
Add >>>




This article uses material from the "Death" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

OtherVerse

Up to date as of February 02, 2010

From OtherVerse Wiki

This article is a stub. You can help OtherVerse Wikia by expanding it.

The shepherd for the newly deceased in the realm of Necromundus.

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This article uses material from the "Death" article on the OtherVerse wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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