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The programme was originally titled Doctor Who on Channel Two, but the name was shortened when BBC2 was destroyed in a freak boating accident in 1978.
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Doctor Who.

Doctor Who is a British cult TV documentary produced by the BBC and funded by the London Tourist Board. It follows a now-famous presentational format, in which the presenter, referred to as "The Doctor," covers such diverse topics as history, physics, warfare, cookery and art, with an assistant who's usually a young, attractive, and promiscuous female. However, the UK's Danny La Rue Act of 1922 forbids women from the acting profession, so the assistants are actually queer actors in drag.

What makes Doctor Who markedly different from other documentaries such as Horizon, The Day Today and Newsround Review is that the educational nature of the program is carefully disguised behind a plot regarding aliens, time travel, and the like, woven from the real-life adventures of Oscar Wilde.



Due to the unkempt status of this page, it has become necessary to summarize this subject into video form:

The Doctor

Interestingly, the show only refers to its main character as "The Doctor," except in one instance, which resulted in the responsible parties being crushed by elephants. The reasons for this are unclear, but fans of the show are known to strangle those who fuck it up with excessively large scarves, so just accept the Doctor as the Doctor, okay? It is believed by a large group of fans that his unknown first name is, in fact, Knock-Knock, and that he has taken the title Doctor in order to hide this embarrassing fact. Other fans believe it is Yuno. Regardless, everyone agrees that his first name must be either incredibly lame, uncool, pathetic or embarrassing, or a combination of all four.

The Doctor presents the programme in an unconventional indirect narrative fashion, explaining what's happening through discussion with his assistant. When the first actor to play the Doctor finally left the show to do a spoken word album, the casting director took the brave decision of replacing him with a look-alike in the hope that the audience wouldn't notice. Unfortunately the casting director was blind. Viewers have come to accept the fact that Doctor Who changes height, hair colour, build, wardrobe, gender and general physical appearance from time to time as part of the programme's charm.

The following actors have played the Doctor:

William "Hearty Bill" Shatner, in his trademark stupid hat, both created and defined the role of The Doctor.

The First Doctor: William Shatner

When the first series of Doctor Who was commissioned in the 1960s, the BBC decided to spend a huge sum of money on a high-profile celebrity to boost initial ratings. Alas, no one would touch this show with a barge pole, so they chose up-and-coming musician and writer William Shatner. Shatner portrayed the Doctor as an eccentric Englishman with a Midwest US accent and bizarre taste in hats, who travels with his beautiful young "niece," Uhura. (We'll just play along with that; we know who she really is.) Many have speculated that the character of Zap Brannigan from Futurama was based on The First Doctor. The First Doctor was axed eventually, his regeneration caused by screaming "DALEKS! so many times.

The pilot episode, "To Boldly Go", received 2,500 complaints from grammar fascists for the title alone.

Patrick "Trout" Stewart carried on the Doctor Who tradition of ridiculous headgear, in his case an oversized wig.

The Second Doctor: Patrick Stewart

Following Shatner's unexpected departure to the world of spoken word and subsequent recruitment to NBC television series Star Trek, the casting director attempted to cast a similar-looking actor as his replacement. Mistaking Patrick Stewart's outsized mop top for a silly hat, the plot device of the Doctor's "visual transmogrification" was born. Stewart's Doctor was a sterner, angrier, dancier man, portrayed as a German with an French accent. Amongst Stewart's Doctor's enemies were the cybermen, the yeti, Mary Whitehouse and some "Greek" bird from London called "The Counsellor," who whined at people until their ears bled. After stopping a Sesame Street gangwar, the Second Doctor was captured by Time Lords from Gallifrey (an unknown city in Ireland) and put on trail for badly playing a recorder. He was exiled and forced to regenerate by being put in a giant blender.

John "Pert & twee" Inman, with his famously expensive garb, added a splash of colour to the series

The Third Doctor: John Inman

Former civil servant John Inman took over as The Doctor when Patrick Stewart was poached by the Royal Shakespeare Company to play MacPicard in the film production of the Scottish Play, First Contact. Inman was an unpopular choice; especially given the plot had him stranded on Earth with a dysfunctional TARDIS, condemning the series to a load of stagnant plotlines relating to alien invasion. Luckily his assistant's constant barrage of "pussy" jokes lightened the mood somewhat. He was forced to regenerate into his fourth form when bitten by a drunken Spider-Man.

Tom "Baker's Dozen" Jones returned to the tradition of silly hats.

The Fourth Doctor: Tom Jones

When Inman gave up television for a life of pantomime, the producers decided to draft in Welsh pop idol and chest hair resource Tom Jones, in an attempt to draw a larger female audience. The ruse backfired when Jones had written in his contract that he would rewrite and sing the theme tune. The lyrics to "What's New, Doctor Who?" were thought to have been lost in the annals of history. However, they have recently been re-discovered on eBay and are being re-recorded by William Shatner for his next spoken word album, a collaboration with Cannibal Corpse. Tom regenerated when he fell of the top of the BBC prosessing tower.

Dolly "I beg your" Parton also played the part of her own assistant, which led to sore legs and shorter episodes.

The Fifth Doctor: Dolly Parton

After Tom Jones was declared "far too Welsh" by avid sci-fi nerds the world over, the producers quickly brought in brash, obnoxious oil tycoon Dolly Parton to replace him, and in turn appease the fans. Unfortunately, she didn't go down too well with the fan base, and many adults can still remember hiding behind the sofa in an attempt to get away from her shrill singing voice, which she often used in order to defeat her enemies. Dolly had to regenerate after she broke a nail.

The Sixth Doctor: The Undertaker

The Sixth Doctor, The Undertaker.

After Dolly Parton fell into a booze-induced coma while filming, the BBC wrote her out as getting stuck on the top floor of an apartment building. Fans spent weeks speculating as to who the new Who would be, and after 5 minutes alone with him in his office, and two broken ribs later, the BBC director general called upon long time friend The Undertaker to fill in the role. The wrestler's tenure as Doctor Who was marred by a marked increase in violence, most disturbingly when he threw the previous Doctor's companion Brenda down a flight of stairs following his regeneration scene. After many episodes of abusive violence towards his companions, alien friends and enemies, he regenerated when he met a girl named Mel ad commited suicide.

Sylvester "the" Cat (right, as The Doctor) battles the evil biker dykes from Mars.

The Seventh Doctor: Sylvester the Cat

When The Undertaker eschewed his role as The Doctor in order to pursue his career as a TV chef, up and coming unknown Sylvester the Cat was drafted in to take up the role of the intrepid time-lord. Slight alterations had to be made to accommodate Sylvester, including a scratching post and a litter tray in the corner of the TARDIS, which caused outcry amongst some of the more passionate fans. Despite all this, Sylvester remained a firm fan favourite right up until his demise from being chucked into a woodchipper by the Master in episode 26.8.

Considered far too camp to continue in the role, Craig "not very good" McLachlan is widely blamed for the demise of Dr. Who

The Eighth Doctor: Craig McLachlan

After a good few years hiatus, an American television producer named Dave Yadallee was given the green light by the BBC to dust off The Doctor's bizarre hat and waistcoat, and bring him back in a one-off special in the form of ex Bugs star, Craig McLachlan. McLachlan was faced with one of the weakest enemies The Doctor would ever encounter, the Andrex Puppies, and many viewers fondly remember him climbing on top of the TARDIS and screaming, "For the love of God, please save me!" while shitting his knickers. Television would never be the same again, and as a result, Doctor Who was axed. It is not known how he regenerated, but he was theorized to have ben killed in an incident involving a Time Warrenty.

Christopher "wonder woman" Reeve was widely accepted as the best Doctor since the last one.

The Ninth Doctor: Christopher Reeve

The Doctor finally returned to our screens in early 2005, in an attempt to tempt today’s youth into becoming doctors, due to the ever growing concerns over the NHS. In a controversial move, the BBC made the Doctor bald, Northern, cheeky, gay, fascist and Catholic in a bid to appeal to a wider target audience. Thanks to expert producer R.T.D. 2, everyone enjoyed the first episode. But disaster struck when Reeve died of wheelchair of the legs in March. The story continues...----

The Tenth Doctor: David Duchovny

The 10th Doctor, played by David "Dirrrty" Duchovny, is famous for his choice in Mr. Bean outfits.

The 28th series of Doctor Who promises more of everything: Knife fights, divorce, rape, evil twins - it's got it all.

In a recent interview, Duchovny, 78, described the approach taken by the BBC in the filming of the new series as "pushing forward in a positive, emotive direction". Out go the leather jackets and the shiny shoes, in come tweed jackets and Chuck Taylors. This is a smart move by the BBC, as everybody knows that The Doctor cannot possibly be considered young, hip and groovy if he doesn't look like the lead singer of popular boy band Franz Ferdinand.

As well as being accompanied by the ever faithful Nora, Lansbury cameod in the new series after a chance encounter with The Doctor during a failed police heist at The Alamo. Opera played Mammoth "Martha" Jones, a replacemement for Nora.

Both Duchonvy and Mammoth both made a guest appearance in the third series of the spin-off, Torchwood.

The 10th Doctor regenerated when Matt Smith shot him.

The Eleventh Doctor: Matt Damon (Filming in progress. BEWARE - SPOILERS)

Matt Damon in a recent image.

It has now been confirmed that the new Doctor Who is Matt Damon. Cast imminently after the resignation of executive producer R.T.D.2, Damon was a largely unpopular choice among the show's fanbase, due to him being overly gay. According to new EP Steven MacMoffat, he is currently the most camp actor to take the role, just ahead of Dolly Parton. Also highly notable is his hair. The big hair. The hair of the Time Lords. However, Damon has been proven in recent roles to be extremely chav like, a trait which will no doubt deter monsters such as the Dialects. The Doctor has been theorized to be joined by Autloc, played by Angela Lansbury, one of the Doctor's previous assistants during the Inman era.

The Twelv(f)th Doctor: Michael Jackson

a so-called "leaked image" of The Twelvfth Doctor. The death of the pop legend has resulted in these rumours being disproven, but people are still as skeptial about this as they are of area 51.

Rumours have roamed the internet about a possible future role in the series of Michael Jackson as The Doctor. Unfortunately, the death of the pop legend has resulted in these rumours being disproven, but this hasn't stopped the constant fan rumours of Jacko's corpse being pinned to the TARDIS console, and peanut butter put in his mouth to simulate the speaking of random bafflegab. In any case, various other rumoured possibilities are:


The TARDIS allows the series to explore historical events without breaking the narrative - The Doctor simply enters the time machine and emerges at a different point in history. "TARDIS" is an acronym for "Thus Another Relocation Dilemma Is Solved", the words uttered by the series' producer when the plot device was first conceived.

With the advent of the 2005 series, the producers decided to replaced the traditional Police Box with a more up-to-date looking machine to appeal to today's audience - a Portaloo.

The TARDIS takes the form of a blue Police Call Box, an old form of concealment used by police officers. For example, in surveillance operations, a Police Box was often deployed outside the building under surveillance to allow police officers to stay within close proximity to the suspects without arousing suspicion. Unfortunately these boxes became a thing of the past when officers began using them for other private matters, such as solicitation... the public came to associate the blue boxes with immoral acts and they were all taken away and burnt in 1941.

This did not concern the producers of Doctor Who, who adopted one of the few surviving boxes as "the TARDIS". Recently, however, the BBC lost a court battle with the musician Sting, who owns the trademark on the word "police", over the use of the Police Box, which also falls under his ownership. The 28th series of Doctor Who, currently in pre-production, is rumoured to use a Portaloo instead, rechristened "the TURDIS" (TURD in Space) and as a money-saving device has been converted to run on methane. Other possibilities are RETARDIS (RETARD In Space) or the TARDIS formilly known as the TARDIS (The Human Enteragence system that depends on Time And Relitive Demensions In Space Formatting Orderating Machine prossesing in In laLLa ward's bodY Knoackilassisy Non OPbutenatrictoryily Willing Not AS The Human Enteragence system Time And Relitive Demensions In Space).

Conspiracy Theories

Despite the long run of the series "The Doctor" has not yet had a sexual relationship with one of his assistants (in the US "interns" are socially expected to allow this even at group interview stage). The series injoke is that this is because of the advanced age of The Doctor, however a conspiracy theory is that The Doctor is simply a gay man (or possibly even a alien lesbian as a man) who is using the youth of the assistant to avoid any question of his sexuality arising.

Indeed yet an even more common variation of the theory among low brows who read the Daily Mail is that "The Doctor" is simply a paedophile who uses the TARDIS to seduce young impressionable "girls" to join him on his journey out of the reach of the authorities beyond time and space.

Another pointless conspiracy theory concludes that "The Doctor" is actually not a University graduate at all and that, in fact, he received his education from a diploma mill such as MIT or even Harvard. Theorist point out to the fact that even though he calls himself The Doctor he has yet to use any incomprehensible characters after his name, such as BFeck or DClit. Other promoters of this theory point to the absence of any certificates in his parlour.


There have been a number of assistants through the various series. Assistants are typically used as foil for The Doctor's razor-sharp wit, or, during the time of the seventh doctor, a scratching post. Assistants are often involved in platonic relationships with The Doctor, apart from the occasional outbreak of nymphomania. Casting of assistants was, at one stage, done by mass national audition in the style of Pop Idol/American Idol (predating such shows by many decades). Recently, however, it was found to be easier to recruit failed musicians directly.

The current Assistant is Nora, a mathematician, played by Billie Piper.

Previous Assistants:

The First Doctor found Thora asleep on the toilet in the Bank Of England when his TARDIS materialised there in the very first episode. After what was regarded as the first interracial love scene on television (until it was widely accepted that American and Shatnerite did not constitute interracial) she joined him on his quest for galactic domination.
  • Pussy Galore was a circus freak named Eva.
Patrick Stewart's Doctor recruited Eva from a newspaper advert when Thora was married off to the president of Tanzania in exchange for some dilithium (rumoured to be The Doctor's hallucinogenic of choice). Her ability to gargle liquid nitrogen made her famous overnight and the pin-up of choice for prepubescent boys throughout Essex.
Taking time out from acting in US detective series Murder Death Kill, Lansbury was hired to play Fanny at the request of Stewart, who was rumoured to dislike acting alongside a better-looking performer. Fanny was initially portrayed as Amish but this resulted in riots on the streets of Brixton so the writers had her killed off in a freak toenail accident.
In an attempt to move away from the sexual tension which marred the first two Doctors' careers, the character of Frank was created to act alongside Fanny. Unfortunately his mobster accent got The Doctor into an awful lot of trouble, not least with his arch-rivals the Cybermen.
As a sop to the gay community, who had become increasingly annoyed at the overtly heterosexual nature of the third Doctor's relationship with his assistants, as well as John Inman's own uncomfortability associating with women, the BBC hired porn star Ron Jeremy as assistant to the Doctor. However, Ron refused to do the scene with the sonic screwdriver and the cyberman laser pistol and was promptly sacked.
The fourth Doctor rescued Hilda from the Second British Civil War, in which all the Civil Servants were rounded up and shot. The episode was actually aired a week before the actual Second British Civil War began in 1985, exactly as described on the show. The BBC still denies the obvious allegations.
A controversial addition to the series, Hitler remained in the series for a total of three episodes, before being left in Washington by the Doctor. He had grown tired of their continual debates on whether Jews were or were not scum. (The Doctor held the latter view. Coincidentally, this coincided with the Fourth Doctor's regeneration.)
The fifth Doctor got through an awful lot of assistants due to her excessive use of brain-shattering singing in the event of an argument. The producers responded to viewer complaints by hiring an actress that nobody would mind seeing pushed over the edge.
  • Stephen Fry was a passive-aggressive robot called Marvin.
In an attempt to replace the seventh Doctor with another cute character, the writers stole one from the diary of famed Scottish monarch Douglas Adams, casting Stephen Fry in the role alongside the eighth doctor. The lawsuit is still ongoing.
  • Billy Connolly played a very annoying Rose Tyler
In 2005, when resurecting the series, the 9th Doctor was modeld after #6, so they created Rose to be just as, IF NOT MORE, annoying than Peri.
  • Bill Cosby played the role of Captian Jack Black.
After Nora the mathematician's lesbian tendencies were shown, audiences were in an uproar, so producer, Ruffle Tea Lady, decided to insert a military private as a completely straight soldier who joined the doctor.
After Billy's quiting, the team decided to continue the tridition of annoying companions, the team invited The Annoying Macia herself. Mammoth often wined when not getting what she want's and threatend to quit the series, and then would return when played more. She left the series when the Master's cat attacked her face, thus ruening her make-up.
  • Autloc is rumored to appear as the Eleventh Doctor's first assistant, despite BBC claims to the contrary. His long-standing rivalry with Nyder is believed to be a focal point of the series.

Enemies, Foes and Ne'er Do Wells

Did you know...
That the Dialects, with their cry "EXTERMINATE", are a parody of the Cybermen whose cry is, famously, "BACKSPACE"?
A Dialect in battle-mode.


Davros, lord and creator of the Dialect race.

Dialects are The Doctor’s most despised adversary. The mutated survivors of the Great War, they are only capable of living within their colourful exo-skeletons. They are the only one of The Doctors enemies to come close to killing him. On no fewer than 15 separate occasions, the Dialects have actually come to within a sonic screwdriver of obliterating The Doctor, but something always seems to stop them. From a broken lift to leaving the oven on, some plot device always appears out of the blue, just in time to save The Doctor's skin. The Dialects are currently in tough negotiations about appearing in the 10th series, and only agreed to appear in the 9th series because they “had nothing better to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon. We’d only end up watching formula 1 anyway.” The Doctor has also done battle with their creator, Davros.


Cybermen rulez!!!1one

A race of teenagers and 30-somethings who live in their parents basement, the Cybermen are pasty-skinned computer nerds who have been beaten up in the changing rooms one too many times for their liking. First seen in episode 13.37, the Cybermen attempted to take over the Earth because they were jealous of The Doctor's (then played by Tom Jones) healthy orange glow. Unable to go out during daylight hours, the Cybermen had to resort to wearing specially crafted helmets allowing them to avoid sunburn and taunts in the harsh conditions of Basildon. They are perhaps best-known for their LOL-bombs and ROFL-rayguns, which they use in abundance to prove how lame The Doctor is. The Doctor usually defeats them by asking them if they've ever had sex, whereupon the Cybermen slink away into a pit of despair.

Andrex Puppies

The Andrex Puppies wish to enslave mankind by wrapping them all up in toilet paper in an adorable fashion.

Seen for the first and last time in the one off made for TV movie starring Craig McLachlan, the Andrex Puppies are the mutant offspring of a Black Labrador and a Golden Retriever. Standing a hair-raising 20 centimetres high, these adorable demons of the planet Softstrongandveryverylong are intent on enslaving mankind into playing fetch with them and tickling their tummies. In the movie, they chase The Doctor into hiding and he is only saved when his assistant Wanda, played by Vanessa Feltz, shouts "walkies". The Doctor is relieved and says "I sure hope I don't bump into those nasty fellows again in episode 35.3", leaving the door open for a possible return.


A zygon, in the middle of a battle cry.

The Zygons are a mysterious alien race from the planet Boris, known for their bumbling manner and incomprehensible language. Their vocabulary is limited to the use of only a handful of words, most notably, "cripes", "bugger", and "boobies". Their appearance is comical due mainly to their pudding bowl haircuts and large rotund noses. As such, they were never, nor shall ever be, any match for The Doctor.

They first appeared in episode 16.4, where one of the Zygons accidentally blew up the Houses of Parliament after attempting to light a fart to impress his peers (but not "The peers" they are far too respectable for that sort of thing), whereupon The Doctor, played by Dolly Parton, laughed and said "Let Zygons be Zygons".

Trivia: The number of viewer complaints resulting from this pun led to the series being moved from its 7pm Saturday slot to a 4am once-a-month slot on alternating Sundays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, with the episodes aired in a random order. (See also: the Firefly effect)


Wordy plays with the humans he so easily turned into letters. He later ate them.

The ruthless ruler of the planet Lookandread, Wordy has had it in for The Doctor ever since he first saw an episode of the 1st series and noticed all the spelling mistakes in the closing credits. He floated down to earth in his Spellmobile and set about turning the human race into giant letters with his ritual "Magic E" chant.

Small, lumpy, bright orange and covered in letters, Wordy is undoubtedly the most hideous of The Doctor's foes, and as such anyone who looks at him instantly throws up their lungs.

However, The Doctor easily defeated Wordy by looking at him in the reflection of a spoon, and shouting "If 'i before e except after c' is so true, then how come it doesn't apply all the time?". Realising that The Doctor was right, Wordy couldn't deal with the fact that he'd lived a lie, and destroyed himself. Wordy was voiced by Brian Aldridge from The Archers.

The Master

The Master goes old-school.

The Master, played by former astronaut John Simm, is the Doctor's greatest rival. The Master was The Doctor's childhood friend, and as revealed in episode 11.5 "Oh Brother Where Art Thou?" he is actually the Doctor's evil twin brother who never did as well at school. The Master has sworn revenge on The Doctor ever since his childhood sweetheart was "whisked" away by him.

The Master brings forth the Chocolafane to rule over earth with their irresistible yummyness.

The Master, as his name suggests, is a criminal of the highest degree, who specializes in the secret ninja art of "kung who", a martial art so deadly that no master dare teach it. Indeed, the only way to find out how to perform it is to do it by accident.

The Master has had The Doctor in his clutches numerous times, including episode 15.9, where he strapped The Doctor to the side of a gigantic vibrator. His plan was foiled however, when he forgot to pay the electricity bill.


A Sontaran in full battle dress

Sontaroons are violent creatures, from the planet Scouse. They are a race that reproduces by means of osmosis, with no females, and are a militaristic society obsessed by football.

They are friendly with the Colleens a race obsessed with shopping. However, they have been involved in an intergalactic war with the Rootans that has spanned for centuries. If they only resolved their differences they would realise that they weren't too different, despite the Sontaroons' greater popularity in the show itself (The Sontaroons having featured in several serials throughout the years and the Rootans having only appeared in one Tom Jones serial, Horror of Man U.

The Sontaroons are know throughout the Galaxy for being intense Euro-Sceptics. They have ideological differences with the French and Germans over subsidiarity.

They are afraid of nutmeg and have a natural affinity with chives.

They like you, but aren't very fond of me.


Quick! The Computerkind rush to a computer; someone's posted a thread on the Outpost Gallifrey about favourite title sequences...

Computerkind (or Doctor Who nerds) were the destroyers of the Chocolafane and the reason why the Macra came back in Gridcock. They were first seen way back in the tenth episode: The Nerd Invasion of Outpost Gallifrey

In the new series, they are shown to be more scheming and manipulative due to the madness caused by lack of Doctor Who (unless you count the movie, which caused outrage due to the fact that Sylvester McCoy was not credited before Paul McGann in the intro). If bitten by one, you will become one. The Computerkind got trapped at the end of the universe as shown in Utopia but they made alternate endings on YouTube which they lived on through, and continue to survive...

The Gaylord

The Gaylord - Leader of the Pooves in his lair on the Planet Whoopsie!

The Gaylord (played by Carry On star Charles Hawtrey) is a 400 year old scientist from the planet Whoopsie! whose inhabitants, the Pooves, were engaged in a bitter thousand-year war of attrition with their enemies, the Straytes. Horribly scarred and bespectacled for reasons that are never explained, the promiscuous Gaylord spends much of his existence attempting to penetrate his enemies with his self-designed aluminium penis in order to turn them gay.

Before the new series began we heard news of huge scary creatures which had the ability to squeeze themselves into Human skin i thought they were going to be great until this.

Episode Guide

Series 1 (2005)

The Ninth Doctor

Rose Rose Taylor is caught running with scissors! How will this new no-nonsense Northern Doctor react?
The End of the World Rose chips a nail... is this... THE END OF THE WORLD???
The Unquiet Dead The Doctor talks about reincarnation, in this exciting instalment.
Aliens of London/World War Three Hitler guest-stars as the Doctor's half-brother, Hitler.
Dialect The Doctor's mortal enemies, the Dialect's, return!
The Long Game The Doctor and Rose play Monopoly for 4 days.
Father's Day Rose has forgotten to buy her Father a present for Father's Day! The Doctor shows us how to make a present, on the cheap!
The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances In this thrilling two-parter, the Doctor teaches us the samba!
Boom Town The Doctor blows up Wales! - but what effect would this really have on our world? The Doctor reveals all... (the answer is none)
Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways In the series final, the Doctor grows his hair and styles it with a side-parting! Can Rose save the Doctor's hair in time before he... Regenerates??!

Ramadan Special (2008)

The Next Doctor with a first name of David and a last name of some has-been gay English Rock Star from the 80s. The Doctor is fooled into beleiving that he will always be played by a guy whose first name is David and has the last name of a gay has-been English rock star from the 80s. David Tennant meets David Morrissey. Other people considered for the role were David Boy George and David The Guy From Dead or Alive.

Ramadan Specials (2009)

The End of Mimes (Parts 1 and 3) The Ood reveal that the Master has become very annoyed by a group of mimes who made fun of him, and plans to destroy them all. But some thing else is returning, could it be the rath of... Dalek Fred???. THE END

Classic Series (?!?!)

The First Doctor

An After-birth Child Two teachers investigate the reasons why their student Susan seems messed up .
The Dialects The Doctor and his companions encounter a race of beautiful aryans, and a race of disfigured mutants. No prizes for guessing who he sides with. It is a slight the Dialects will not forget in the many episodes that will follow.
The Egg of Destruction The Doctor and his companions are trapped in the Tardis, trying to find out what a horrible smell coming from the fridge actually is.
Marco's Pole Ian Chesterton gets to grips with a historical figure.
The Dales Jamie McCrimmon is transported forward in time to the Yorkshire Dales to work on a farm.
The Quiche of Mary-ness The Dr and friends have tea with some middle class gays.
The Dialect Invasion of Eartha Kitt The Dialect's plot a fiendish plan to take over the world through the medium of popular music.
The Chaise Ian and Barbara spend 6 episodes chilling on a sofa in 18th Century France.
The Thyme Meddler The Meddling Monk perverts the course of history by releasing microwave ready meals in the 11th Century abundant with his favourite herb.
The Dialect's Master Plane This time the Dr is really in for it. The Dialect's pursue him for twelve episodes through time and space in their new jazzed up Concorde. The Doctor takes a break for one episode entitled The Fist of Steven. This episode was burnt straight after broadcast due to its extreme graphic content.
The Masticater of St Bartholomew's Eve Steven bites off more than he can chew when confronted with a double of the Dr.
The Celestial Boytaker The Dr, Steven and Dodo battle an omnipotent paedophile in a place outside of space and time!
The Gumfighters The Dr needs a dentist. Four episodes of route canal.
The Warm Machines Doctor Who is required... bring him a blanket!
The Tent Planet Polly tries to help Ben with his tent pole. She is unsuccessful, but luckily lots of guys in uniforms and even some Cyber-Men can more than rise to the occasion. The Dr collapses in shock and... Regenerates!!!

The Second Doctor

Pooer of the Dialect's On the planet Vulcan, the peaceful natives are unaware of the Dialect's fiendish plot to take over the planet by sabotaging their sewerage system.
The Highlenders The Dr re-encounters Jamie McCrimmon, who is now working as a mortgage advisor after tiring of life on the farm.
The Moon Face Jamie and Ben drop their trousers in an attempt to scare off the evil Cyber-Men in their much anticipated return.
The Mac Terror The Dr encounters a colony of obsessive anoraks.
The Faece-less Ones A desperate race of aliens harvest humanity of their rectums after an unfortunate accident left them unable to defecate.
Eva of the Dialect's Victoria Waterfield is held prisoner by the Dialect's after she refuses to be the lead in their off-Broadway tour of Evita.
Womb of the Cybermen The Dr and Jamie must rescue Victoria after the Cyber-Controller kidnaps her in an attempt to breed a new race of Cyber-Men.
The Abominable Showman A Buddhist monk forces the Dr and his friends to endure 6 episodes of his poor stand-up routine.
The Wheel in Spain Who can stop the Cyber-Men's travelling fare, featuring their deadly Ferris Wheel, from destroying all of Barcelona (Brixton doubles for Barcelona.) Enter feisty librarian Zoe Heriot!
He Dominates 'er Jamie's not happy with Zoe's feminist and overbearing personality. Time to show her who's boss.
The Mind Rubber The Master Brain has plans for the Dr, but the Dr insists on using protection.
The Scrote-ons On the planet of the giant ball sacs, the Dr and Jamie begin to feel very insignificant. Only Zoe holds the key to their escape, and the key is in her pants...
The Space-Pie Rapes A series of horrendous sexual attacks lead the Dr and his friends to a mysterious intergalatic bakery.
The Whore Games Zoe is captured and forced to work in a brothel in the heart of Nazi Germany. Or is she? As the Dr and Jamie investigate, they find massage parlours and saunas from numerous periods of Earth history. This can only be the work of the evil Whore Chief. The Time Lords intervene, but Jamie and Zoe are so mentally scarred from the incident they repress all knowledge of the Dr and are sent off by the Time Lords to recover. The Dr is then forced to... Regenerate!!!

The Third Doctor

Smear Test from Space Liz Shaw is recruited by UNIT as the newly-regenerated Dr lies in hospital. Before she can start work however, the Brigadier insists she undergoes a full physical, little does she know its really the Brig himself behind that gynaecologist's mask...
Doctor Who, and Sil Urinates From the planet Thoros Beta, reptilian alien Sil terrorises London when his water tank explodes. Meanwhile, the Doctor takes Liz for a ride in his new pimped-up car.
In Fur? No! Liz leaves UNIT to join PETA. Whilst the Brig shaves off his moustache after an incident where "something" got in his eye forcing him to wear an eye patch. Well, everyone knows a 'tache is a sure sign of a raving mo!
Terror of the Autos The Dr has a new assistant, Jo Grant. He takes her for a ride in Bessie, leading to a harrowing 4 episodes as he terrorises her in the back seat. Afterwards he claims it was just the Master in disguise, honest!
Colonoscopy in Space The Time Lords send the Dr on a mission... emergency bowel surgery ensues.
The Dame-ones The Dr is not impressed when the demonic Azal is even camper than he is.
Dai of the Dialect's The Dialect's use a time bomb to annihilate all of Wales. No one cares.
The Cruise of Peladon Jo is all dolled up for a night out with Mike Yates, Mike declines her offer and instead is whisked off by the Dr for a tour of Peladon's seedy underworld...
He-She Devils A far right Christian group on one side, a transsexual rights parade on the other. UNIT and the Dr are smack in the middle....
Carnival of Man Stars A peep show, a sailor, and a polari-talking old queen. What could possibly happen?
Front, Rear, In Space Draconian? Far from it! These reptilian aliens sure know how to have a good time!
The Genre Death More escapades in Wales. UNIT encounter an ecological rights group. Jo thinks this "Doctor Stranded on Earth" genre has had its day, and as such leaves.
The Times Warrior Sarah Jane Smith is a journalist. She's never gonna make it into the broadsheets though. Not without the help of a murderous, horny, war-hungry Sontaran, anyway...
Invasion of the Dino-Sores Sarah and Dr must find the cure for a prehistoric strain of herpes, before Sarah herself falls victim!
The Monster of Pele's Dong The Dr and Sarah had just found the cure, but something happened after they applied the treatment to a certain well-known footballer. This was one mutation they were not counting on...
Planet of the Hivers He can run, he can hide, but he can't escape. The Hivers ravish the Dr, and force him to... Regenerate!!!

The Fourth Doctor

Rob-bot Liz Shaw is recruited by UNIT as the newly-regenerated Dr lies in hospital. Before she can start work however, the Brigadier insists she undergoes a full physical, little does she know its really the Brig himself behind that gynaecologist's mask...
The Sontaran Ex-Merriment Sarah Jane's ex-boyfriend Linx returns, he's not happy she dumped him to travel with the Dr!
Genital Cysts of the Dialects The Time Lords send the Dr and Co to the start of Dialect history. Their mission? Use the prehistoric virus they discovered to halt the creation of the Dialect's. But does Davros even have any reproductive organs hiding in his chair?
Rev. Gene and the Cybermen The Reverend Gene Barker tries to cure the macho Nancy's of their deviant ways.
Terror of the Zygotes An IVF clinic is bombed by religious fanatics.
Pyramids of Ma's Sarah and the Doctor encounter Ma. An evil female Osiran known for her large triangular bosoms.
The Bra in Morbius! Sarah and the Doctor have defeated Ma and taken her bra as a trophy. The Dr shows it off to other renegade Time Lord Morbius, who gets it stuck in his nasal passage after having a good sniff when he thought no one was looking.
The Masque of Man-Drag-Whore An evil sex-crazed drag queen has the Dr and Sarah in his grasp! Can our heroes escape?
The Hand-job of Fear "I'm not touching that, its all cold and gravelly!" Sarah tells Eldrad, and storms off in a huff.
The Deadly Ass Sin The Time Lords don't approve of what the Dr and the Master have been up to...
The Face is Vile Or so Leela thinks, the Dr kidnaps her, he will make her love him!
The Tampons of Wang Chung "Everybody have fun!" Screams crazed lead vocalist of the popular 80s band. He has Leela in his grasp and will force the Sevateem Warrior Woman to submit to him. Not if the Dr can get there first however, he still hasn't had her himself yet.
The Invisible Enema The Dr finally enters Leela...!
The Son Makers On a planet where a disease has led all the local women to only bear daughters, the men gang rape Leela, in the hope she will produce a son for them.
Underwear The Doctor goes shopping for some sexy knickers for Leela.
The Reebok Operation The quest for the Key to Time has begun! Romana becomes entangled with a foot fetishist, and must find out which pair of trainers is the first Key before its too late.
The Pirated planet The Doctor and Romanna discover a group of nerds bootlegging Doctor Who episodes with Netflix. Can they discover which pirated DVD is the Key to Time?
Stoned in Blood The Doctor and Romana's quest for the next segment to the key to time takes them to the lair of some hippies with Hematolagnia!
The Armageddon Fat Corr Andrea Corr piles on the pounds after her solo album flops, and plans the destruction of the whole planet!
Desk Tidy of the Dialect's Those diabolical Dialect's plan to take over the universe again! But Davros insists they tidy his office first.
Nightmare of Hedon The Doctor and Romana land on the planet Hedon, named for its hedonistic culture. The natives think of some interesting uses for K-9...
Nada This episode does not existe.
Creature from the Pits Romana goes for a jog and doesn't shower afterwards.
The Leisure Hive No explanation required.
Stoat of Decay Romana and the Doctor throw rotting animal corpses at Adric. Well, you would wouldn't you?
Warriors' Gay Romana wants to stay in E-space with the Tharils. The Tharils are more interested in Adric
Logopolish Only a planet of Eastern European Immigrants can save the universe from destruction! The Doctor also... Regenerates!!!

The Fifth Doctor

Gastro-vulgar The Doctor's regeneration is complicated by bowel problems, requiring frequent stops in the Zero Room.
Bored 'till Doomsday A race of frogs travel in a spaceship for 80,000 years, with a very limited range of inflight entertainment.
Clamidia Tegan discovers what evil lurks within her body
The VD Action Tegan almost lets loose a pandemic in London
Back Orifice When he is not behind a mask, the Doctor bats for the other side
Earthschlock ADRIC DIES !!!!!!!
Time Shite In revenge against British Airways, the Doctor recovers their loss-making airliner.
Art of Incontinence Gallifrey's barriers against anti-matter are found to be located in an Amsterdam crack joint.
Snakedunce When first broadcasted in 1983, the Mara infected characters were said to have inspired the New Romanticism movement.
Mawdryn Unspellable Mawdryn tries to impersonates the Doctor - "pay no attention to the pulsating brain coming out of my skull", he tells Tegan and Nyssa.
Touch Minors The Doctor visits a hospital where the radiology department being run by a paedophile nine foot Scottish terrier.
Impotence A intergalactic sailing race takes place between celestial eternals who hope to become permanent beings through winning a stash of viagra.
The King's Deviants The Master tries to insert into the Magna Carta a law legalising beastiality.
Wearers of the Dress The Sea Devils, Silurians and a pantomime Mr Snuffleupagus put on a drag act.
Away Wanking After two stories, still no sign where Kamelion is.
Frontal The last settlement of humans have their clothing removed by gaint telekinetic slaters.
Retardation of the Dialects The Dialects ask Davros for a cure to a disease that causes them to emit string-in-a-can secretions.
Planet of Fakes The Doctor visits Lanzarote, and Sarn, a planet that looks a lot like Lanzarote.
Caves of Am-I-So-Horny Well you would be if you saw Peri's cleavage having lived in a cave with nothing but androids, hairy mercs and giant bats for company. It would be enough to make you....Regenerate!

The Sixth Doctor

The Twin Disaster The Doctor strangles Peri. John Nation Turner strangles the Doctor.
Snack of the Cyberman The Cybermen invade the refrigerated tombs of the Cryons in order to steal their ice cream.
Vangelis on Varos Every time the Governor of Varos is defeated in a plebicite, he is subjected to a torrent of Greek electronic music

The Seventh Doctor

Time and the Tweety The Doctor encounter's his old foe, the Tweety.

The Cusion Films

Better Cusion, cast to play the Alternate Version of the Dr

In 1963 and 1966, movie screen movie producer George Lucas made big screen versions of two major stories, The Dead Planet Sketch and The Dialects invasion of Earth. They were re-named Dr. Who and Now For Something Completly Exterminated and The Day the Earth was Exterminated.

To mirror William shatners' silence, they dicided to cast an inadiment object as The Doctor. Thousand of Abiotic objects tried out, but finally the team cast a Crappy Cusion, until his firing and a Better Cusion's casting enstead.

A dalek prepares to kill an unknowing maid. Taken from The Day the Earth was Exterminated.

Dr. Who and Now For Something Completly Exterminated

In this film, (based off The Dead Planet Sketch) shows Dr. Who and his companions traveling to the planet Scaro to warn its inhabitants that the planet is dead, but the inhabitants, the Daleks, deny this, claiming it is only resting. It's basically the same as the episode except at the end the Dalek reveals that he "never wanted to be a galactic concorer" and starts singing the lumberjack song.

The Day the Earth was Exterminated

The Tardis arrives on the planet Earth in the year 2157 and a half, only to discover that it has been overtaken by the Daleks. They plan to use frige magnets to meet the daleks demise. Its basically the episode, but without a real plot.

Who would you have sex with out of the list?

Daleks can only ever have one silly eye.
Who would you have sex with out of the list?

The poll was created at 17:21 on February 2, 2010, and so far 16 people voted.


For some inexplicable reason, several attempts have been made to create a franchise of related series. Mercifully, most of these have failed utterly, but there have been a few notable exceptions.

Doctor Whose Line is it Anyway?

"Improvise! Improvise!"

Doctor Whose Line is it Anyway? featured four contestants who were forced to improvise a convincing Doctor Who storyline, while being chased around by a Dalek.

The series was wildly popular among coma victims and household pets, but was suddenly cancelled in 1996, when the Dalek was accidentally released into the wrong studio and exterminated everyone on the set of Can't Cook, Won't Cook.

Immediately following its cancellation, the BBC wisely destroyed all existing copies of the series, even going so far as to hunt down and EX-TER-MI-NATE the entire cast and crew, just to be safe.

In 2002, a man claimed to have the every episode on video tape, and threatened to give them to the BBC unless he was paid £10,000. When the BBC was unable to raise the funds, public donations began to pour in, quickly exceeding the ransom demand by several thousand pounds. Before payment could be made, however, the identity of the man was discovered, and an angry mob dragged him from his home and poked him with pointy sticks, until he admitted that it had all been a hoax and that no such video tape actually existed.


Main article: Blackadder
Dr. Blackadder arriving in 1804.

The Spin-off follows the tales of Dr. Blackadder, who is the other surviving Timelord from the War of the Daleks, roaming around space and time with his companion, Sarah Jane (S.) Baldrick, in the TARVIS (Turnips And Relative Vegetables In Space) cunningly disguising themselves in period costume. His other Ccompanions include King Richard Curtis and Queen Ben Elton and Captain Jack Flasheart (Woof!). He often encounter's enimes, such as the rival time lord Mr. Bean, who had had himself hidden in his Teddy Bear to hide from the Daleks, The Scroundrel Formerly Known as Prince Ludwig, Tony Parsons, and The Americans.

Doctor Who - The Force Unleashed

Josh and The Doctor (who has stolen Darth Vader's armor)

One day, BBC felt like cashing in on the resurrected Star Wars fad that begun with Star Wars - The Clone Wars and ended with Star Wars - The Force Unleashed. They made a video game of Doctor Who and converted the whole game into a Doctor Who format.

Doctor Who - The Force Unleashed has got mostly crap reviews from IGN, Gamespot, and YouTube. However, GameFakes gave it 10/10, saying: "This is an awesome adaption of the Doctor Who Universe, merging the goodness of Star Wars with Doctor Who and giving a whole new look on the Doctor Who saga", most people believe GameFakes were on crack when they made this statement.


Main article: Torchwood
Captian Jack Black, the Doctor and Mammoth "Martha" Jones

Torchwood (which is an anagram of "Ow! Hot Cord!") is intended as a darker, post-watershed version of Doctor Who, only without The Doctor, the TARDIS, or pretty much anything else from the series.

The show follows the adventures of Lieutenant Jack "Captain Jack" Black, a 51st century grifter from 1941 (or possibly a 1941 grifter from the 51st century) and a super-secret group of eccentric experts as they cruise around Cardiff, looking sexy and flashing lots of cool-looking alien gadgets.

After the success of Torchwood, the series Doctor What is currently planning to release its own edgy, anagram-based spin-off called Tworchtoad. It is currently in production, at an undisclosed location which is definitely not Cardiff.

The Sarah Jane Chronicles

The cast of The Sarah Jane Chronicles; Jesse McCartney, Elizabith Sladen, Mr. T and Miranda Cosgrove.

Following Torchwood, another spin-off was made titled The Sarah Jane Chronicles.

The show follows former companion Sarah Jane Smith as she protects her son, Luke Smith, from Dialects from the future coming to kill him. Apparently, Luke is the future hope for humanity in the Great War. The Dialects are led by T-1000 from the second Terminator film. Also starring is the giant screen computer, Mr. Babbage, previously known for his appearances in Family Fortunes. The first episode, The Lion, the Witch and the weird boy scycolojicly created by the bane, got the lowest rating's in the history of history, somehow receaving a -768 out of 5 stars.

Plans were also underway for another spin-off of the new Doctor Who series, The Nora the Mathematician Variety Hour. However, the show's creator withdrew his proposal after being thrown out of a window while attempting to pitch the series to BBC executives.

The Masters

Main page to the new spin off.

The BBC has recently announced a new mini series starring Derek Jacobi and John Simm called The Masters was announced, which will be airing later on BBC1 later this week.

The Plot will follow the Masters attemptinh to defeat each other in golf. Past Masters Roger Delgado and Anthony Anely will do commentary. The winner will win a red cape.

Other competers include Eric Roberts, Geffory Bevers, Peter Pratt, Jonathan Pryce, and Gordon Tipple (though it is doughted he will last long.)

| SEE HERE for more.

Friendly Neighbourhood Cyberman

"Your Friendly Neighbourhood Cyberman!"

The series followes the tale of Tom Delonge from another univurse, who is a Cyberman, but he feels emotions. He is often nicknamed "The Cyberman with a Soul" or "The Emo Cyberman". His early life was very similar to that of the Tom DeLonge of our universe, with the key difference being that he wasn't quite as much of a twat. His tales are extremly exsagerated, having his leg noises reduced and his walking sped up. Despite the change, he still pretty much sucked as a super hero.

The show ran for 13 episodes. The last of which was a crossover with Torchwood, in which Tom had sex with Martha Jones, causing her to somehow become rapidly pregnant and give birth to a half-human, half-cyberman hybrid called Connor. Connor was then instantly taken by the space-time rift between Gwen's teeth and returned within seconds, but from his point of view, 8 years had passed and now he wants to kill his father for no reason.

The episode ended with Connor being cryogenically frozen, while Tom and Jack shared an upside down kiss. The kiss led to a wild night of rampant sex between the two, an encounter which cost Tom his life.

See also

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