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Dolph Lundgren: Wikis

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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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My name is... er, dam. What was it again?
“He was fun in bed and he is an alright actor. He has big muscles, gent.”
~ Your Mom on Dolph Lundgren
“Hell man, he beat me worse than Apollo did. He has now made me fully retarted. And Adrain, I beat him. What do you mean we have no money?”
~ Rocky on Dolph Lundgren
“I've drank more beer and pissed more blood and banged more quiff than all you numb nuts put together! ”
~ Dolph Lundgren on Dolph Lundgren
“It's Jesus Time!! ”
~ Dolph Lundgren on Dolph Lundgren

Sir Dolph of Lundgren is an eight foot tall steroid taking actor of Martian descent. But come on, the guy is juiced and he can hardly keep himself from falling from the strong gravity of Earth. He starred in Rocky IV and no other movies that are that important at the moment. His hair sticks up so that he can pick a mate from his home planet.


Accomplishments Before Birth

Dolph was the main reason for the defeat of the German Army during WW2. After repeated threats to invade Sweden, Dolph's father warned Hitler that one day soon Dolph would be born. Subsequently no attacks were ever made against Sweden and German morale never recovered from the sheer terror of knowing that at any moment Dolph could be born and sent to destroy them.

Life After Birth

He was born on the southern part of Mars. He grew up on a farm until he decided that Earth had better job oppurtunities. So he came to Earth in 1983. He was whoreboy #1 in Sweden list of Whoreboys, and he managed to hold on to his title for over 3 years due to the graphic nature of his penis-penisboy.

Rocky IV

He came here and learned every one of earth's 5 million languages to be used in his three sentences in the movie. Then he starred in Rocky IV with Sylvester Stallone. He was able to pass off as a Russian. He beat the shit out of Rocky, but Rocky had Martain rock in his gloves, which immobilized Dolph so that he could be defeated.

Life Until Now

Dolph Lungren teaches Chemical Engineering and Ancient Egyptian Algebra at MIT. But really he does teach Chemical Engineering, no really, also speaks 5 million languages, yet still can't spell his own name. He also has been considered a weapon of mass destruction by George Bush and the gang. As President Bush, our decider, put it "Heh heh, well those muscles could bring down a building. Now give me your rights!" In 2003, inspired by Arnold Scharzenegger's election as governor of California, Lundgren along with several other eighties B-movie actors decided to seek gubernatorial election. He ran in Oregon, and swept the incumbent Corey Feldman with 87% of the vote. Within the first months of his term he got in a border scuffle with newly elected Washington Governor, Sylvester Styllone. They settled it with a fight to the death in Mexico City. Stallone won by pounding Lundgren to death with Apollo Creed's gold teeth.

Life After Death

Some experts argue he has been reincarnated as Dolph Ziggler, professional self introducer, but this fact is still widely debated, most notably by Dolph Lundgren, who is quoted as saying, "I'm not dead." The reliability of his claim, however, is yet to be verified.

Unexpected Oscar Success & Knighthood

The rumours of Dolph's death were blown completely out of the water by his emergence from a Venus Fly Trap in which he'd been swallowed while filming the 1988 blockbuster Men of War. He followed this up by delivering his world-renowned, Best Actor-winning supermarket monologue in the classic Universal Soldier (1992), a bewildering bollocking of such power as to move the Queen of England Herself (TM) to tears:

"Goddamit, the whole fuckin' platoon droppin' like flies! What the hell are you staring at?! You have any idea what it's like out there? DO YOU?! When I'm fighting this thing man, I kick ass, or kiss ass!! And I'm bustin' heads!! It's the only way to win this fuckin' war...!"

Such was the power of this singular address that he was made Sir Dolph of Lundgren by Queen Blitzabeth II in 1856.

Filmmakers of the World (and America)
Epic Visionaries

Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Don Bluth | Peter Bogdanovich | Tim Burton | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | Terry Gilliam | Norman Grossfeld | Alfred Hitchcock | John Hughes | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Abbas Kiarostami | Stanley Kubrick | Sergio Leone | David Lynch | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Quentin Tarantino | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | Robert Rodriguez | Zack Snyder

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Mel Gibson | Uwe Boll | John Carpenter | Kevin Costner | David Cronenberg | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Peter Jackson | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Eli Roth | M. Night Shyamalan | Blitz Smith | Kevin Smith | Alan Smithee | Sylvester Stallone | Ben Stiller | Billy Bob Thornton | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Jean-Luc Godard | Fritz Lang | Jerry Lewis | Rob Schneider | François Truffaut

Highly Confusing in Japan

Dario Argento | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Hayao Miyazaki | Mr. Takashi of Japan

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

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This article uses material from the "Dolph Lundgren" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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