Driver: Wikis


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Up to date as of February 05, 2010
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“In Soviet Russia, car drives YOU!!”
~ Yakov Smirnoff on driving
“I just ripped a hectic burnout bro, sick mate!”
~ Oscar Wilde on driving
“Crop It, chop it, chrome it up”
~ WOG on Driving


Driving is the ancient practice of getting a car from one point to another. The primary objective of driving is to do as much damage as possible to property, other cars, and pedestrians (particularly children; these are a priority).

Contents

Driving Technique

So you want to be a good driver? Well, here's how to be the best, and safest, driver you can be.

Before you drive

Regular exercises such as this will increase the life of your tyres by up to 400%.

It is important to ensure your car is correctly prepared for driving before you drive.

  • Ensure that loose bumpers and damaged parts are properly secured with duct tape.
  • Out of courtesy, make sure the 3 people you have tied up and stuffed in the trunk can breathe.
  • Seatbelts are a suffocation hazard. Do not use these in any event.
  • Child booster seats are a waste of money. Don't be a chump, put your kids in the trunk.
  • Check your tires to ensure they don't have any of that nasty 'tread'. Tread reduces speed and HP and must be eliminated at all costs.
  • Drivers with L or P plates are the most experienced drivers on the road. To get one of these plates you MUST beet one of these L-unatic or P-rofessional in a high speed race.

Racing

Racing will frequently be required of you as a driver. The drag race, aka 'traffic light Grand Prix' is a fine art, and must be perfected over many years of experience. To initiate a drag race, rev your car's engine to the redline while sitting at the traffic lights. If the guy in the lane next to you responds by revving his engine, glaring angrily at you, or ignoring you completely, he has accepted your challenge to race. Hold your car's engine at redline, and the instant the lights turn green, release the clutch pedal as quickly as possible (if you don't have a clutch pedal then you are driving an automatic and are a woman). The resultant wheelspin will give you a 300 factor initiation vector, and increase your awesomeness by up to 500%.

If the opposing driver somehow makes it to the speed limit before you (probably by cheating), don't worry, simply floor it and overtake them at 20km/h over the limit whilst flipping them off. You will then be considered the winner.

Rember when racing

  • Remeber to pass the check points (Trafic lights) as fast as posible to get extra time. racing is not permitted in most city areas.

Parking

Correct parking technique.

When parking, it is essential that you bring the car to a stop in the correct position. Cars are typically parked in carparks, on the side of the road, in garages, or on top of pets/small children. Follow these guidelines while parking your vehicle.

  • The white lines are a guide. Use them. You must park so that you are centered over a single line. Ignore the other cars that are parked between the lines, they are not properly versed on correct parking technique.
  • If you sideswipe a parked vehicle, don't worry. Just drive off. Other drivers take the long scratches down the side of their car as a compliment, and will be overjoyed.
  • If you stall the car whilst correcting your shitty park job, and people start pointing, its time to gun the engine, peel out of the carpark and look for parking elsewhere.
  • Please remember when visiting other countries, like Japan, you do not need to drive on the opposite side of the road - the lane you are currently in now gives you boost.

Enemies on the road

Your foes on the road are numerous and diverse. You must be aware of your enemy at all times, and know the correct action to take when an enemy is encountered.

  • "Law enforcement". These guys have been out to ruin your fun since that speeding fine in '94. No speed is too fast to escape these fools.
  • Grues will run you off the road in the black of the night and eat you.
  • Adam Sandler. 'Nuff said.
  • Emma. More than 'Nuff said.

DriNking adn dOnt Mxi

See Also

DriNkiNg adn dRivnig dont mxi


This article uses material from the "Driving" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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