Football: Wikis


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Uncyclopedia

Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

This article is about a poofy snazzy British invention that causes braindeath; for the plagarised American sport that causes death, click here

“For fuck's sake, it's pronounced soccer. SOCK KER.”
~ All Yanks on the rest of the world's idea of Football
“For fuck's sake, it's pronounced football. FOOT BALL.”
~ All The World on at Yanks calling it Soccer
“Why the fuck do you keep writing down everything I say, dumbass?.”
~ Charles Dickens at some stage
Football in the Third World

Football, is a gay sport which is played by greedy money-grabbing red-necks who don't need to wear more body armour than a renassiance knight to do exercise. It is a Niche sport played round the world only by divorced women over 52 and the descendents of vishnu. The game was first played in scotland in 1860. However, the rules then were very different from the way they are now. First, you could kill someone and chop off their head to use it as ball. Then the 2 peoples of 2 villages used to try and run the head to the other village, without having their head chopped off as well.

It was developed in England by chavs or 'skin heads' often under the mistaken belief that they had hard dicks, this is confused by their low IQ as hard for men the difference they do not understand therefore they go along with it. Many people who play it wear some form of Nikey or Addidas tracksuit, that means they are almost under the illusion that they are god like at the game and will sit and play for hours, either recreationally or before one poor member of the public and they deem it appropriate to mug him.

The sport spread round the world, despite the mortality rates of its enthusiasts. In 1920 a huge step forward for the sport was achieved when they dropped the dead head, and replaced it with a leather "football", this combined the cancellation of the TV show Dallas, and sent the sport's popularity into the thousands, and even after American President Charles Possebon III was found with a SOCKA ball in his rectum.

Contents

The Fucking Gay Name Bitches

A perfect example of the famous "bicycle kick"

Soccer is named after "Suck Hair", because research has shown the wives of soccer players are over 94.6% better than normal women at deepthroating, and will actually end up sucking your hair. According to six anonymous (ex-)soccer players (identified only by their first name and the first letter of their surname; Johan C., Romario de Sousa F., David B., Diego M., Waldir S. and Edwin van der S.), any sane soccer-player would prefer to find a hairy pitch under his sheets at night after having touched the slippery grass all day long. Other research has shown heading two balls a day makes a player 65.4% more likely to prefer sucking his wife's clitoris over getting his own pole smoked, or going homosexual like 89.97% of footballers do after the age of 65. Five headers per day increases this to an impressive 87.1%. Although not confirmed, more than five headers a day could lead to numbness in the body part.

It is commonly known that most footballers enjoy having sex with one another. It is also widely known that female Mexican and Brazil put out the most at the World Cup. The fact that yobs are all latently homosexual and their inner turmoil causes them to become extremely violent underscores this fact. It is also true that over 112% of football players enjoy massive cock sucking fairs in which their "team leader" gives each and every one of them head. The trick in this game is to be first in line and to not be the one who at the end gets the "magic surprise in their mouth", which is basically a large collection of every one else's sperm who has "cummed" in the "team leader's mouth" plus their own. This is a fun fun game for the hardcore football players. The bright side to being last and having to swallow is that you are the one who gets to do the sucking next time =) So no worries about swallowing next time! This is just one of the great games those adorable football guys love to play. I'm sure you have heard of many amazing games your self, or even ones barney oh the more better than this one where a kid "brushing his teeth " is involved.

During the pre-history time, when the psychos ruled the world, footballs were banned because the psychos were convinced that they hid lesbian assassins inside (this was before the Lesbian war).

English Basterds Yet Again Try To Say It's Theirs

Like everything, the English claim they had created football way back in 460,000,000,000 BC, around the same time they were creating the earth, but contrary to this belief, it is really a lie. However according to recent records uncovered in the ancient city of Fibs - the game was first played in 777BC in the Ancient Football World Cup tournament. Back in that day, Greece would always win the World Cup, and indeed they won everything else in that time, especially cleverness competitions and old-bearded-men beauty pageants. The Faraoh Islands 342BC World Cup was the only Ancient World Cup not won by Greece, and this was only because their goalkeeper in the Final sported a beard 3cm longer than the maximum allowed regulation beard length. Despite their stylish 4-1 victory, they were subsequently stripped of their title when Alan "Yes, I have been around forever" Hansen spotted the illegal beard in a super slo-mo replay. Football was eventually declared to be the winner of the tournament.

Football was also played by the Romans but they used to beat the Britons (see Welsh) at Football when they ruled their country. The Romans, seeing that Briton was becoming a shithole under the leadership of King Arthur ap Hughs the current PM, decided to leave and return to Italy.

Football was later adopted by the Britons (see Welsh) who used to kick rocks at the English, and the game back then had similar rules to today's game: two teams made up of 11 Britons would aim to kick a rock at an Englishman, and a goal was scored if concussion or better yet death was achieved. Yet, as the Britons realised the shithole that is England would eventually become a land full of scousers, foreigners and puffs, they eventually retreated to Wales to farm leeks. And it was once the Britons left that the English carried on the sport. However, as the King Arthur's empire fell back towards Wales, the English had an idea. Taking advice from their WWII campaign, where, if the English told everyone that it was them who single-handedly defeated ze Germans and their allies without any help form the Yanks or anyone else, they could make everyone believe it was them who invented football, and that is how the lie they tell today originated. However, this plan backfired as their teams throughout the history of the game turned out to be absolutely shit, incapable of winning anything until they luckily won by cheating against ze Germans in 1966, which to them means they have won the most out of everyone and are the best at the game, whereas the Italians have managed to defeat everyone at the game and take the throne as the greatest in the universe, who can regularly had out lessons to underachieving teams like England, who rest their hopes on Steven "Scouse Bastard Ohh, I'm 30 yards from goal with one man to beat and three teammates in space, so i'm gonna shoot and miss horribly" Gerrard and the defensive capabilities of Rio "Looks like an extra from a star wars movie / own goal scorer" Ferdinand. Well at least they have qualified for Euro 2008...OH NO WAIT.

OR ...

Football started off as a gentleman's game played by people called Nigel who would cry "Hurrah" a lot and drink lashings of ginger beer. It was introduced to the Celts mainly to detract them from beheading passing Englishmen and kicking their heads around because England is bigger, richer and where all the work is. Apart from the North.

The Celts have really taken to Football despite being crap at it and have never really worked out that it was a subtle English plot to give them an endless inferiority complex about being shite at everything. This backfired for the English by making every Celt who had not moved to England for work (all but 7 of them then) support whoever was playing against England.

The next mistake of the English was to let Germany play. Germany turned out to be quite good and have beaten England a lot, especially on penalties. The penalty method of deciding a game is an extremely fair one and should really be equivalent to tossing a coin. Since this involves kicking the ball towards a goal the size of the Mersey tunnel defended by a single opponent armed only with a pair of gloves this is just too easy for the English. Being a jolly sporting lot they like to improve the odds for their opponents by kicking the ball over the huge goal, to the side of it, slipping over just as they kick, going home just as it is their turn or generally doing everything in their power to avoid scoring and thus being seen as unsporting. English people make themselves feel better by choosing to only remember the games where they beat Germany (1966, the 5-1 game) and conveniently forget the many many many games where Germany have beaten England.

The next mistake the English made was to let the Latin types (dirty, cheating, lying, badly acting people) play too. In the spirit of fair play and general sportsmanship the English accepted the French, Spanish, Italians and the whole of South America into the gang on the proviso that they used their jumpers as goal posts. The Latins initially agreed but as soon as they were let in reneged on the deal and the English had to use theirs instead. This move was widely predicted but the English never learn, preferring instead to believe their own delusion that everyone is as sporting and fair as they are.

England's mistake was immediately obvious. The cries of "no sir, after you, I insist" rapidly became a distant memory having been replaced with greasy, dark haired amateur dramatics going down like nine pins all over the park while screaming like a little girlie after an English player ran a bit near them until they conned the ref into giving them a free kick, penalty or red carding the English player AGAIN!!!! FFS! After this OSCAR effort they get up and hobble about slightly, limping on the wrong leg and the ref goes back to thinking about what he will be doing at the weekend until he is interrupted with another greaseball hamming it up.

Referees punish badly behaved English fans by sending off English anus players after they have been fouled by a dirty Argentinian/Portuguese/Italian/<insert nationality> player and respond with a loud tutting sound, a slight waving of a leg or a bit of a push. This is judged to be violent and dangerous play by the dirty Argentinian/Portuguese/Italian/<insert nationality> referee and England are down to ten men - AGAIN!!!! FFS!

The expansion of Football to the wider global community has resulted in the 'sport' now having all the integrity of American Wrestling. E.g. "in this corner weedy England, in the other corner the team who are going to win yayyyyyy."

In recent years protests by the English FA have culminated in demands to just let England win since it's our game and if we don't win all the time we will take our ball and go home since it's tea time anyway and our mum just called us in.

Nowadays, Gentlemen have to play Rugby and leave Football to the council estate troglodytes to continue to support the joke of a sport that it has become. The English have repeated their mistake of letting foreigners play and become much better than them. Everybody who lives south of the equator, even small girls, could beat the English rugby team. England sorted this by copying the American idea of starting their own World Series but not letting the whole world enter, just their mates and neighbours and only if they could beat them most of the time. They called this the 5 nations: us, the small Celtic countries and the French because we all need someone to hate. England have fucked this up too by changing the competition to the 6 nations and letting the Italians play. See "dirty, cheating, lying, badly acting Latin people" above.

As was widely predicted by everyone except the English, the Italians have started their usual dirty Latin tricks with Rugby too, scratching, biting, pulling hair, name calling, lying, pretending badly. See also Argentina, World cup.

All the English have to do now is let the Germans play Rugby and they may as well give up that game too. They need to invent a game where the winner is the most English person.

At least we will beat Holland this week. Dohhhh AGAIN!!!! FFS!

Laws of Football

The following is a list of rules that all footballers must adhere to.

  1. You must keep your feet on the balls of a member of the opposing team AT ALL TIMES
  2. You are the worst Human since your mum; those who disagree with you must be persecuted.
  3. A riot is the ideal way for rival fans to solve their differences.
  4. £10,000,000 per year is a fair and decent Wage for providing poor quality Entertainment.
  5. The Referee is an incompetent fool, unless he favours your team; any decision made that does not benefit you is debatable, and usually, proof that he is being bribed by the opposing team.
  6. Homosexuals are not allowed to play. Any found trying to sneak in, well you don't want to know what happens.
  7. The word "fuck" is an intelligent and articulate response to any conceivable question, claim, statement, or argument in the English language.
  8. Germans don't appreciate black men playing in the Bundesliga. And they show it by throwing bananas at them. Fucking Nazis.
  9. Fans are obliged to swear at least 20 times throughout the duration of a game.
  10. Every club must have at least 1 gay ball boy in case there is an odd number of players for the after practice orgy.
  11. All clubs should have at least one mummy designated to washing kits
  12. All men must hug each other when their team wins (many men decide to take it 'father' in the world cup)
  13. Xavi and Iniesta have more than two balls, Barca's fucking success mantra! Run and hide boys.
  14. If David James is the opponent's goalkeeper you win.
  15. If David James is your goalkeeper then you are fucked.
  16. James Lee-West is a fucking tramp.
  17. Jojina Tucker is a right fucker.
  18. Ben Lawrence is a cunt cus he wants to beat up CJ
  19. Oli Bennet handed CJ in to all the chavs e.g. Ben Lawrence and Charlie Ellis. so is also a twat
  20. All baked goods used by the Striker Baker must have been produced earlier that day whilst participating in sexually oriented activities.
  21. French players are allowed to handle the ball.
  22. If caught diving you will be suspended (excluding C. Ronaldo and foreigners)
  23. Attempting to caress the refs shoulder and invite him into the frequant injury orgies that take place is not an acceptable way to argue a penalty or yellow card given.
  24. If your American give up on football, your bollocks.

Football Positions

Gary Ablett taking another ridiculous mark, look out for the subtle hand from the guy under him.

Once upon a time, all 23,568 players on the field used to hop about, kicking the ball all around the field in a frenzy of sweat, blood and yet more blood. However, ever since the damn Limeys discovered the "alternative to God" (and it isn't tea), football is played 11 vs 11. The Jews, not wanting to scurry all over the field (Oy gevald! Our ancestors have been slaughtered time and time again and he wants to ruin his shoes like those accursed goishes!), decided to create positions:

  • Goalkeeper: A player who has the right to handle the ball inside his little kingdom. While that sounds fun, all goalies ever do is stand inside their goals, waiting for someone to give them the opportunity to fly in the cool evening air like fags. Even their jerseys - long-sleeved shirts and shorts - raise the inevitable question: why the Hell are they called football players? And imagine the shame a former no. 1 experiences when he tells his grandchildren, "when I was a wee little bit older then yous, I shtood once a week in sommin' called the goal and flew at incomin' balls! Now donchye be laughin' - I med maugh money then you'll evah make as a shtinkin' lawyah or summin'!".
    Goalkeepers like to boost their egos by telling themselves penis size is proportional to height, but if that were true, short people would have long gone extinct. Goalkeepers are known for producing their time stopping saves, and thinking that they are the best player on the pitch, examples being Will Taylor and Robert Green. Goalkeepers are the only players on the feild who have balls and dont take pussy dives, if they do then they are executed by the International Goalkeeping commity. One example is Dida vs Celtic, seen or heard of him of late, i thought not. Also, it is not cool to wear headgear, no Cech ur weak skull is not an excuse. When a penalty is to be save, the goalkeeper will try to psych out his opponent, not by waving his hands like a retard, but by the sacred Goalline dance, which is taught in the jungles of the amazon to topclass goalkeepers, this tecnique has been passed down through the ages and has been mastered by goalkeepers such as Artur Boruc, Robert Green and Will Taylor. Goalkeepers have a licence to kill. Pwning who ever they want is apart of the job as a goalkeeper. Even if they do not try to make a save, kneeing someone in the head is entirly acceptable.
    An example of a goalkeeper is "Big" Jim Stannard, who broke the record for the fewest goals conceded in a 46 match season, playing for Gillingham in Division 3, 1995-96. He also broke the record for most saves in a 5 second period, in a match against Colchester that season - a fantabulous 23,650 saves. Ironically, Colchester scored from the resulting corner.
  • Centre Back/Full Back: A player who serves as an excuse for the goalie to use whenever he concedes a goal. Historically, FB's have always been big chumps who couldn't handle the ball, or simply less-talented strikers who wanted to do something other in life than work in a factory or make fish and chips all day long (they still had to work in factories. Where's Margaret Thatcher when you need her?). Nowadays, however, rules like the offside rule exist to stimulate FB's to think and make it seem like they were actually better than FB's a few generations ago, or as Marco Materazzi said: "the striker man, big shame to calcio, he try ruin my salary, so I put bastard in offside, and pussy runs to referee to say it wasn't offside and I stupid flagpole. So I later revenge and make sure pussy don't have child".
  • Defender: A player who defends the goal from threats along the sidelines. However, since the FB's usually do the charging and career-shortening for them, they are burdened with attacking from the sidelines, because they aren't as crammed full as the centre of the field (the reason to that remains a mystery to this day). Additionally, the poor souls need to dribble past the opposition occasionally and lob accurate balls into the oppositon's 16m box. With such hard work, it's no wonder paractically no defender has ever been chosen as player of the year. Defender must be gay and know a little bit about ballet. The most famous ballet dancer turned to football is Rio de Jeneiro Ferdinand Marcos. SHEBBBBBBBAAAAAYYY!!!!
  • Defensive Midfield: A player who does exactly what the FB's do, except for the fact that he does it a bit further away from goal and attempts the occasional fruitless challenge. However, several DM's have realised that they're simply shorter FB's, and have since been doing odd things, such as being playmakers or taking free kicks and not winning the ball (well, there's always that crazy Italian guy who'll do it for you!). Pussies.
  • Attacking Midfield: A player who gets the ball somehow and delivers it to the striker, or does fancy dribbling stuff. There isn't a lot more to be said on the AM, which just shows you what a dull position this is. They are well known for their unstoppable shots and 'gerrardesque' goals, as well as their cristiano ronaldo style dribbling ability.
  • Distracting Minefield: Some teams play with suicide bombers so look out for this position if you are up against Bin Laden Desert (Nottingham Forest), Al Qaeda Rovers or Taliban Town (Luton Town FC).
  • Alluring Fauntleroy: A player who wears a teasingly small miniskirt and attempts to distract the opposition by craftily flashing them the lower part of his buttocks. This occasionally backfires when his own team is accidentally distracted, or when playing against those who ascribe to the frowned upon doctrine of the 4-4-2 formation.
  • Winger: A defender with brains (Richard Dawkins claims this is an oxymoron) who is officially a midfield and so evades defending duties. They are generally the fastest players on the pitch so they can evade other irate defenders abusing them for not stopping goals.
  • Whinger: An attacking player who hangs around and moans all through the match when no one gives him the ball. Oh boo hoo hoo hoo !!
  • Striker: A lazy git who waits for some sucker to pass him the ball so he can comfortably lift his foot up, score a goal and earn fame and glory. Some strikers play behind the main one, but they're just AM's hoping to kick the lazy bastard's ass for stealing their booty. Strikers also have an unfortunate tendency to fall to ground after receiving any sort of contact, real or imagined.
  • Striker Breaker: A defensive player (usually with a criminal record and no hair).
  • Striker Baker: A player who attempts to score by off-putting the opposing goalie by throwing baked goods at them baked earlier that day (rule 18) and then shooting. Also known as the cok. Furthermore, they can also eat the baked goods to confuse the goalie and then shit it back out in his mouth and then score.
  • Libero: A player who initially sits in front of the goalie and supports the offence from time to time by running in a beeline, so he won't have to run too much when the FB's suck too much. Liberos are in fact defenders who are not disciplined enough to stay in one position, and as such they stagger around the pitch like a group of Scousers making their way back from the pub.
  • Subs: An unlucky player that warms the bench for the strikers, they usually have never kicked a ball in their life and are often retarded. They are either six inches or a foot long and, if lucky enough to be picked as the sub of the day, only cost £1.99. Examples include Charles Ower and Sean Maloney. The position 'sub' was created by Mark Lawrenson, for being shit.

football is the funniest thought of game in the world

  • gaydar: There is always one straight man on the team with the ability to detect all gay men, after he detects a gay man he instructs his team to "pick off" the other team player, many times the Gaydar will be incorrect and poing out the straight, causing the straight to get very angry and headbutt the offender.

How to look like a footballer

It is very important to look like a professional football player genuinely. Therefore it is essential to look like A TWAT like the real ones, even if you are a novice.

Product launch endorsed by celebrities from the German National Football Team, Lukas Podolski and Bastian Schweinsteiger.

To spot a fake footballer from the real ones, place a feather on the floor in front of one and see if he trips over, however, it is generally easy to notice that a fake footballer is not sponsored with products. The image to the left illustrates the real footballers from the fake ones. The more sponsored ads and products you have, the more real you are. This generally means that more sponsors are willing to place ads and ask you to endorse their products, and therefore increase your salary pay. Fake ones don't wear real kits (they download them off eBay, never mind buy them off eBay). You must make sure you are kitted out fully in branded clothing and they must look dirty (no new generics!). Stick some Band-Aids anywhere on your body for cosmetic purposes (AKA acting tough).

A shirt sponsor is a person or an organisation who stick their brand image, logo, writing, advert, drawing, CEO's private number, diagram, figure, or any other thing they can think of onto the shirt/jersey. This cosmetically improves the look of the jersey because not-messed-up-ones are too plain looking. This usually happens at a lower level (club football) where they cannot afford to pay the players, so the more ads you have on the richer the club is.

Although ads generally appear on club jerseys, they also make their appearances onto the national level so the sponsor pays more but more fans will want to buy or use that service. Take the England National Team for example, their sponsor is Nationwide, hence the "National level". Nationwide is a generic company that sponsors anything National, like Northern Rock, and are not to be confused with Nationalisation. The German National Team does not require any shirt sponsorship, but recently, they have signed a breakthrough deal with Microsoft and Apple as their shirt and technology (freebie) sponsors (although Microsoft and Apple are both competitors...).

Footballers generally enjoy bad music. Make sure you carry a portable music player with you at all times. Other electronic equipment are also recommended. Real football players are actually keen on technology, but are unsure which ones to carry around. So they carry all of them. The array of technologies ensures they also get in touch with geeks -- spreading the knowledge of football to all types of people.

How to Score a Goal

  • Kick the ball...through...the white things, known as the goal posts.
  • Give the ball to Pelé and he will know what to do!
  • Let Jet Li kick the crap out of it.
  • Kick the ball through the goal dumbass!

Extract from Football for Dummies:

  • Get onto the field, which is usually covered with grass.
  • The grass is typically green.
  • Place foot on ball with force.
  • The resultant force will change the state of the ball's motion i.e. ball flies.
  • Run: place one foot in front of the other in rapid, consecutive movements.
  • Move your body towards the ball's new location.
  • When someone tackles you, place foot on ball. Try and kick ball away from opponent.
  • Repeat run step.
  • Find goal - made from white metal frames and net.
  • Aim towards goal.
  • Change ball's state of motion by placing foot on ball with a resultant force.
  • If ball flies into goal, celebrate by doing some hideous action.
  • Else repeat from step 3.

FC PHOENIX RULE!!!!! Fc phoenix do not rule as they are an american FOOTBALL (not soccer!!) team , therefore they are shit and (REAL FAT FUCKERS)(being) a completely bad excuse for all bad football players (to use) who can simply say that is where they started :) FC PHOENIX SUCK COCK MANCHESTER UNITED RULE MANCHESTER UNITED ARE CRAP LEEDS UNITED ARE THE BEST Up the swans! :)

Red and Yellow cards

These are just Christmas cards given to players by the referee on the weekend before Christmas.

Yellow cards are given if the referee wants to kill you. The yellow resembles the sun. The referee wants you to look directly at the sun until you die.

Red cards are given if the referee wants to kill you. The red resembles blood and that the referee is most likely to be a vampire.

Contrary to public opinion, there is no such thing as an orange card.

Eric Cantona

In 1996 Cantona took Manchester United to the final of the Euro Disney Mickey Mouse Cup. In 1998, Eric Cantona left the Tampa Bay Reserves to become an actor. Though many feel he has failed since he left football, this is not in fact accurate. For when Eric eats a banana, an amazing transformation occurs. Eric is Bananaman, ever alert for the call to action. Not to be confused with Eric Bana who upon eating bananas, turns green and has the uncanny ability to attract women who just happen to be related to the guys trying to kill him.

Tried to kill a tramp in the crowd at Crystal Palace...big whoop! This, sadly for this French prick, was his best career move throughout his 200 years of playing tennis. It has also been named the best karate kick since Bruce Lee kicked godzilla into the stone age.

Michael Jones

Born on Australia Day 1991, this Australian footballer of Welsh heritage is regarded as the man behind the success of the 5th XI, also known as Dream Team, World XI, Galacticos, Limbourn FC, Redeem Team, Oscar Wilde XV, 9ths, Chris Kitchings Kitchen Connectors or FC Lads. He has complemented his career as the attacking genius behind their 100 game undefeated streak with a career in modeling, most famously he transformed himself into every single one of the wax figures in Madame Tussaud's. In his spare time he plays Football Manager, FIFA, Pro Evo, Rugby 08 05 and COD2. He also drinks Carlsberg very slowly.

His rivalry with his younger, and arguably more naturally gifted, brother Dominic is said to be what caused New Zealand to split from Australia. Their rivalry surpasses that of other Australian sporting siblings such as Steve and Mark Waugh, The Chappells, the Ellas, Liam and Joel Reddy, the Morris twins, and last but not least Matt Dunning and the ball of butter that is his twin. Outside his family he has numerous rivals, most of which are old people, lads in Parramatta, Shore boys or team-mates. Most notably are his violent and entertaining clashes with the man who replaced him as captain, Matt "Soul-less" Clune, and smartarse extraordinaire, L.Martin.

Chris Waddle

Other famous footballers to live careers with some levels of intelligence involved include Chris Waddle, who gained in brainpower throughout his sminki pinki career - culminating in the shaving off of his scorchio mullet in the early 21st century unfortunately he is now hated for the penalty he missed because he is a gayass ballsucker that one world cup, tosser. and George Best who won a Nobel Prize in Biology for the bionic liver he developed in order to carry on his 40 pints a day lifestyle.

Paul Gascoigne

Contrary to popular belief, Paul Gascoigne is actually the most intelligent person ever to walk to planet. His special ability, to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, make a fool of himself at just the right moment, and generally make the overall view of footballers to be fat, drunken, overpaid idiots, has taken a long time to perfect. It requires supreme skills in reading body language, diplomacy, cowbelling and being a Geordie. Decided to become an alcoholic and try to kill himself. Still the most intelligent man ever! Has a son...what's his name? Argh... it's gonna bug me... WAYNE ROONEY of course. The second most intelligent man on Earth! Search him on www.lemonparty.com OR www.goatse.fr !

Myspace Tom

Amaizingly, "Myspace tom" Is not his real name, he copied that name from a popular children's Cereal. His real name is Arripyor Bolokov and plays for Spartak Moscow. Honest.

Over the last few years, Arripyor Bolokov has won many awards, such as winning the gold medal for being a real tit or The bronze for being a overrated Douchebag.. What? You never heard of him? Well you must be crazy, CRAZY I TELL YOU!

In 2006, he was brutally tackled by the funny looking Croat, Eduardo. He had to undergo a special operation, which was led by a team of highly professional Hillbilies. He never recovered, So he joined the Church of Scientology instead.

George Weah

Liberia has fostered many heroes of the game, including Sir Stanley Matthews and Charles Bronson, but the country's most famous child is George Weah. Known for his prowess in the European game, Weah was discovered by a Monrovian farmer whose cow died after sustaining a hit in the head from one of Weah's famous shots in a provincial game. The farmer captured Weah and sold him to Arsene Wenger at Monaco in 1988 for $75. With this bounty, the farmer was able to buy three new cows.

David Beckham

David Beckham is probably England's most famous football, not for the right reasons however, but for the fact he married the the only remotely decent one from the Spice Girls and was dumb enough to name his children after where they were conceived. It is believed that he will continue down this path with his next child. It will be named the downstairs bathroom of Tom and Katie's place. Nice One Pretty Boy. I did his wife twice. It wouldn't be very news breaking if it was announced that Beckham's next kid is called Bin Laden's secret rocket launch control room.

See also


This article uses material from the "Football" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Wackypedia

Up to date as of February 07, 2010

From Wackypedia

Football, known also as Soccer, is a horribly incoherent game. I mean, what is an off side? Is it anything to do with the leg side?

Rules of football

  1. Release 22 players on a freaking big football field which was built with money that could be used to give food to starving people.
  2. The persons then chase after a peculiar, leathery, impudently round object known as 'ball'.
  3. Once they catch it, they immediately kick it away in disgust even though they just chased it like there's no tomorrow.
  4. If the ball goes between any of the eight white sticks, the umpire makes a weird Star Wars type gesture and you get some points.
  5. If the ball goes between the goalposts you get two or three points, depending on the rules of the game.
  6. If the ball goes into a net then a point is scored.
  7. If you hit the ball so hard that you burst it you get a million points.
  8. You can throw, kick, chest, header and even buttock the ball in a vain attempt to get it upfield.
  9. A wicket is taken when the stumps are broken or the player hits the ball to a fielder without it bouncing.

Well, I did warn you. Pundits and experts who spend most of their time analysing the game have concluded that nobody knows what the chickenbutt is going on.

Notable practitioners

  • Ronaldinho - he is an ugly so and so, but this is to be expected in such a brain meltingly strange game
  • Arseanal - a team which includes such big name stars as David Semen and Wankmo' Kanu.
  • Russian Football Team - crushing democracy one football team at a time

This article uses material from the "Football" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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