Germans: Wikis

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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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“Ve are Chermans, ya!”
~ Germans
“Give a German a gun and a tune to march to and he'll have taken over Paris within the week.”
~ Marshall Pétain on Germans
“Just don't mention the war!.”
~ Basil Fawlty on Germans
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Germans.

The Germans are commonly referred to as "the horny people". They have sex with anything they see; everything from small children, to soda bottles. They usually mastrubate to everything they haven't seen before. If you introduce a German to an object or person which is new to them, they mastrubate to it.

The average German or Christian D. Castillo is comprised of 12 right angles and six 45-degree angles. They are known for their rigid appearance, which they attain each morning by ironing their shirts, pants, hats, and skin to achieve the sharpest possible creases. Germans are quite self-conscious about the way they look, and most spend all day continuously exercising the 43 muscles that lead to improved frowning.

Although they have a reputation for being cold in interpersonal relationships, the average German couple warmly salutes one another before leaving for work in the morning, and often engages in intimate, extended handshakes at night. Germany is one of the few nations in the world in which one communicates love and affection via glaring.


Society and culture

Growth and Development

[[ An average German female]]

Germans are, like humans, mammals. Unlike most responsible humans, however, the female German (or "Führerin") does not take care of the young (see Princess Peach). Early childhood care is usually left to the fiercest - or at least loudest - from the preceding generation.

After childhood, when they've reached the age of 5, German males go through a period of "musth", characterized by highly aggressive behaviour, accompanied by a significant rise in reproductive hormones. Because the German males outnumber the females by 3 to 1, evolution has provided the females with multiple vaginas and gigantic wombs. Also, as a result of their raging hormones, Germans are extremely horny and will attempt to steal your women wherever they go. If you have received a German exchange student, have had a German move into your city/neighborhood or invited a German to stay with you, keep them ( them meaning the German(s) and women) apart at least 10 feet as a precaution.

National Identity Crisis

After WWI (Fu(Kin Versallies!!!!) & WWII and solidifying their status as the world's greatest a$$holes, the German race began feeling great embarassment. This eventually lead to a nation-wide identity crisis: Germans began thinking they were from Holland. In fact, almost all Germans pledge allegiance to the "Dutchland" (commonly mispelt as "Deutschland") which is in fact a synonym for Holland. Because of the physical similarities between the Dutch peoples and the Germans, most Germans believe they can get away with swapping nationalities. Fortunately, with modern technology the outer bounds of the flesh can be peeled away and a German can easily be identified from a native of Holland by checking for the existence of a human heart. This procedure is a highly controversial one that involves the use of strange machines that create incisions in the human skin around the chest area. To cut to the chase, Hollish or Dutch citizens have hearts in the left side of their chest, while Germans have cold, hard stones or cannonballs (hehe, balls)similar to prussians (not russians).

Religious Context

Within great scriptural and ancient works of the Christian Church and the Mormon Congregation of Communist Swines, the Germans are referred to as the Sons of Satan. Ironic really, as 1900 years later the German species would refer to themselves as the SS...

Social structure

Although Germans are an endangered species, sightings are not altogether inconceivable. Here is an artist's sketch of the German, captured in a rare moment of respite.

A herd of Germans usually consists of about 80 animals led by a gay patriarch or "Austrian", whom most animals will follow into oblivion.

Like lemmings, Germans have a high reproductive rate and can breed rapidly in good seasons (defined as "before 1970"). German populations go through periods of rapid growth and subsequent crashes stemming from the German phenomenon of mass suicide, also known as World War I and II. Scientists speculate that these mass suicides are a result of a failed attempt at expanding their environment that occurs when the population reaches a crisis point and therefore more living space (Lebensraum) is needed. This theory, however, is unproven.

In more recent times Germans are quickly becoming an endangered species. A highly migratory animal, the German has found his choice environment to have dwindled over the years, reducing the possibilities for widespread growth in multiple regions. Likewise, some scholars have noted that the rapid mating periods have now been replaced almost entirely by piss play, bondage, bukkake and beastiality, an unusual development indeed. This change of events has altered known population figures, and has the rest of the world scratching their heads, wondering what the hell happened to the Germans.

The Germans choose their leaders in the "who has the squareist moustache contest"; the most famous winner of this leadership contest was some dodgy guy called Adolf Hitler. He promised to get back at their enemies, some real (i.e. the Brits, the French or the Russians) or some alleged (i.e. the Jew). Germans began to create "races" out of themselves, but eventually asked the Austrians to join the "Third Reich" or ELSE, and so they did. One of the famous Nazis from Austria is Arnold Schwarzenegger's father (no Shit).

After the Nazis and other German stereotypes, Communists got into a street brawl, Hitler blew his brains out instead of losing like a MAN. His sidekick was caught at the scene fondling the dead man's body. Despite the obvious gruesome and slightly homosexual implications of this some believe that is the most famous figure of the nazi regime. The commies like any other street gang carved their turf on the "East side" of Germany (except the "West side" of Berlin), put a huge wall around them (it didn't work at all) and finally, the brainwashed "Ossies" stuck in the 1930s were jealous of their "Wessies" brethren and gave reunification a try. Today, the "Ossies" joked behind their backs by the "Wessies" are like the "Rednecks" of the American south joked by the "Yanks".

To be honest, any ethnologist if they measured Adolf Hitler's face, he would belong into the "mischelinge" category: He's just as racially mixed like Barak Obama.

Current foreign policy

A widespread diplomatic custom in Germany is to greet the foreign visitor in a humble and satisfying manner.

The current German chancellor was able to seduce George W. Bush even though she did not intend to do so and looks like a crossbreed between an AIDS-infested pit bull and a Orang utan. He even went so far as to try and give her a backrub. She responded by using her dark powers to suck his brains out, which led to the collapse of American economy and Bush's reelection. The Germans have also been able to repeatedly send spies into the United States. Besides the first immigrants to the new world, some famous examples include Henry Kissinger(who intentionally prolonged the War in Vietnam so he would have more souls to feed on) and Arnold Schwarzenegger(who is currently on a secret mission to make California habitable for Germans). Note how both of these individuals had excuses of not actually being German. Also note that the only people living on American soil claiming to be German are the Amish, who are NOT emissaries of destruction sent to Americastan but merely outcasts that weren't wanted anywhere.

Due to the absence of leaders with square mustaches and influential Austrians, it is not expected that Germany will start WWIII in near future. It will thus not be able to help the USA war itself out of a depression. Although they may actulally help each other since they have something in common which is that they have both lost wars (vietnam rember that Amecricastan haha you lose USA) and 2 world wars (Germany only) so therefore help may be given to each other.

Natural enemies

Germans today have very few enemies within the animal kingdom, other than themselves. With the recent extinction of the "Homo sapiens Communii" or "Common Red Soviet" the Germans have lost one of their biggest natural enemies. Because Germans are very large animals (some can weigh as much as 400 kilos) their only real predator is the huge "Homo sapiens Batavii", the common Dutchman and the Frisians. The Dutch tend to invade the German feeding grounds every summer with their mobile slaughterhouses or "caravans" and kill as much as 24% of the total German population.

Another enemy of the Germans is the common house trained Jews, these "Jews" as they are called sometimes take the Germans and swallow them whole, leaving them in their stomach. The Germans can take 1-2 days to fully digest, but afterwards they are made into Israel's leading export Poopus Germani or Poop Made of Germans (mostly consisted of Polish, Gypsy and Turkish parts) not suitable to make matzo bread.

Also another natural enemy are the Brits who while trying to be freindly have to crush the germans in self defence as the animals keep attacaking them! They dont know when they have lost. Oddly, the British are ethnological cousins of Germans (the Angles, Saxons, Jutes, Frisians and Dutchmen), unlike that one brown-haired/eyed/skinned guy from Austria obsessed over this idea the Germans are a "super-race".

And finally, the French are a subspecies of weasels the Germans always fought over the territorial claims of their natural habitat. Alike their Nordic ancestors the Vikings (actually Scandinavians, not Germans), they hope to conquer these "skraelings" (brown people) who really stink at war too. French food scares off Germans like "Pepe le Pew" does.

== Bears are von of the top enimiez ov do german pepol, zhey are conzantly being xported tu russia be caz miloins cross za borter each yeer. za greman presidant hos proposed tu buld a vall tu keep za bear out. ==


Despite their appearance Germans are remarkably intelligent animals. Some Germans are in fact smarter than the closest related animal to humans, the Vulcan. Germans are in fact so smart that they realised that the French were in fact as dumb as they initially thought and simply walked into Belgium to invade France, much to pissing off of France.

National traumas

Germans are known to steal russian girls and make them think that they're german.

Don't mention the war

Germans have a huge burden to carry with them. After all they did lose two World Wars and one World Cup as well as failing to exterminate the Jews. Germans are very ashamed about this and do not like to be reminded of these "shortcomings". Indeed many older Germans (75+) are looked down upon because they "didn't get the job done".

Nowadays the shameful history has been shifted to the Royal Family, America and the Daily Mail.

Many Germans carry a grudge at the Communists yet are extremely socialist , esp. those "Ossies" who knew their public housing "ghettos", those piece of shit Trabant cars they waited for on a 20-year list and their false promise the Communists are the "People's" government.

Instead of asking their elders on such painful memories, Germans studied about at public school (almost like sex ed. in America) without the Holocaust denial and liberal bias stand in the way. But it's only "taboo" to talk about Nazis or joke about Commies, although it's the Germans' fault for not caring about...Democracy at the first place.

Germans are still depressed about LOSING the world wars and being super civilized creatures still hold gruges against the molerats since it was the molerats who put germany up to the idea of WW1 which out of depression started WW2 to try and become what they thaught of as great. But as before they got beat by the British twice, who also beat them in the 1966 Wembley final at football. But just like at Wembley the referee played a helping role to ensure English victory, in WWII auxiliary troops from across the Atlantic needed to be brought in as well as troops from French resistance, Polish resistance, Italian "resistance", Dutch resistance and especially from the far east out of Russia...

The German language

To many the German language sounds like a flight of stairs falling down a flight of stairs. The German language still remains a mystery to even the most able linguist, however so far these sounds have been deciphered:

  • Sieg Heil ("Hooray!")
  • Jawohl mein Führer ("I'll put the kettle on")
  • Cum Hahv Sayx ("Hello little boy!")
  • Ich bin Deutsch ("I'm a fascist")

Many have attempted and failed to learn this most headache-inducing of languages. Don't see German grammar. WARNING: May cause involuntary bowel movements.

Good news however, it is possible to get by without knowing any German words through the act of simple mimicry. Mimicry is the best form of flattery and in this case is best done by accquiring the accent. By zaying zet yoo like ze muzeek ov Kraftverk you vill imprez zem so mach alzo you must uze zee big vords to sownd more interlectual. Germans love to do this too, and Mimicry is easier to understand than German so it should get things off to a good start. Alternatively you can either just shout or learn Germish.

Ja! Zeeg Germish vurds har punnee.

Other Species of German

The Dutchman

Main article: The Dutch
The Typical Pack of Dutchmen, note the equal opportunity, as the boy in the lower right is special.

Although generally not considered German, the Dutch are in fact earlier evolutionary divergences taken by the common German in the Early part of the Dark Ages. They remained hardly recognisable from Germans except for the fact that they switched primarily from Beer Production to Marijuana Usage, which may or may not explain why their language sounds like gargling. However, many years of being occupied by and neighboured by Germany has caused many Dutchmen to pick up many of the later Evolutionary divergences that the Common Garden German has accrued over the millennia. Prostitution is a huge money-making industry as well. A little known fact is that everything in the Dutch language sounds like "fart", "barf", or "tart".

One problem is the Limburgians or Zuid-Duitsen are reproducing in a higher rate, no wonder the Dutch have to reclaim lands from the sea. The rising sea level is a constant problem for a people who got to be dumb enough to live in a water-logged country that may fall in the ocean.

Another problem is the Belgians, also known as the Fleming (or is it Belgian) subspecies who aren't a warm, kind or happy people like their Dutch brethren. The Flemings don't get along with their French (go figure) neighbors, the Walloons; but they never wanted to stay in the Dutch Kingdom as they are loyal Catholics. They might as well "go Dutch" or "go French", but Belgians dislike being called Dutchmen and Frenchmen (see Poirot the detective is a member of the Belgian subspecies).

The Frisian

An Off-shoot of the English Evolutionary tree, and hitting every branch on the way down while crashing into the Dutch Evolutionary tree, is the Frisian; an exceedingly rare breed of German living on the coast of the North Sea, they are unique in that they make fish a lifestyle as well as a primary food-source. They are much like their English cousins in that they speak an annoyingly complex language as well as preferring an afternoon drinking tea to war. (If no tea is available they usually choose the second option.) The Frisians are subdivided to "tall" Frisian, "blonde" Frisian and "drunken" Frisian, depending on what part of the "country of Fryslân" they came from. It's a little known fact that Frisian is really hillbilly English spoken by Dutchmen. Read Frisian and pretend you're reading Snuffy Smith and you'll quickly know everything they're saying.

The Danes

A.k.a. Scandinavians, Vikings and the Norse, the Danes are Germans lite. More liberal (but whiter), pacifist (but greener) and effeminate (or they call themselves Dansk, pinker) than the Germans next door, the Danes are a happy people known for craftmanship, butter that don't stink (the French cheese does) and very hot chicks (they compete with the Swedes and Finns) that easily welcomed the SS-waffen soldiers in WWII. Not to be confused with the Norwegians, the country best known for the black metal, death metal or industrial heavy metal industry.

The Prussian

Main article: Prussia

The toughest of all the German Evolutionary Divergences, the Prussian is known to need twice the amount of nourishment of any German, but in exchange gains far more war-making capacity and a far more expansionist nature. They also increase in tribal efficiency and a further decrease in all forms of humour save those that are extremely grisly or gory. The Prussian of any German pack is often the Alpha. It is increasingly rare however, to find the larger breeds of Prussians thanks to encroachment on their native lands by the Russians and Polish. All true Prussians are hatched from Cannonballs and are most often seen making war (usually against their "wannabees" the R-ussians). Unfortunately at the turn of the 20th century all documents about the prussians where lost and they are now considered extinct. Damn R-ussians, they PWNed East Pr-ussia.

The Bavarian

Main article: Bavaria

Although believed to be peace-loving, lederhosen-wearing, sausage-munchers, most Bavarians are simply happy committing atrocities brewing beer. The Bavarian proudly speaks a language called Bayer-ish and although evolved from modern German sounds and looks absolutely nothing like it. The Bavarian will usually either greet you with the words "Gross Dick" ("hello there, I have a bigger penis than you") or "Mall sight" ("can't stop, I'm off to pick a few things up from the store") -usually said around lunch time when they're rushing to get there and back to work in an hour. Another phrase you might hear a lot in Bavaria is "Serve us!" as many Bavarians have Oompah Loompahs as their slaves maids, from the time when Willy Wonka got taken into care and the Oompah Loompahs were made redundant. So if you hear anyone in Bavaria calling "Serve us!" hang around and you might see a little orange man waddle over and bring the Bavarian his wishes, usually either beer or sausages. By large, Bavarians are fairly common and are only encroached upon by their Prussian cousins, or by packs of British/ Americans during Oktoberfest.

The Swiss Man

Main article: Swiss
German folk like to welcome tourists to Germany, such as Baron Wolfgang Von Reichfuhrer

The Swiss are generally considered to be the most productive of all the Germans. The Swiss live in giant wooden houses in a giant Colony called Neutralland. They are particularly adept at making Army Knives, Watches, cheap hot chocolate and a nice Vindaloo. They are an early evolutionary divergent of the German and are generally considered to be a separate species. One thing to note about the Swiss is that they cannot speak, their vocal chords have evolved in that they can only sing their words, a variant of German called 'Yodel' this allows the Swiss to tell other Swiss in their colony the location of prime Iron Mines as well as Private Banking Institutions to take over.

The Alsatian

An extremely rare and unfortunate victim of French populations breeding on German Hunting grounds over the centuries, the Alsatian is unfortunately dying out. It however is remarkable that many Alsatians display a surprisingly peaceful mentality. They have little natural protection against the swarming power of the French and often look to their German cousins to aid them. However the Germans are unfortunately to preoccupied with other activities. See 'Social Structure.'

The Luxembourgian

The Luxembourgian is a very territorial and somewhat exclusive evolutionary off-shoot of the German. It is known for attempting to keep its small hunting grounds it's own no matter how many times it is invaded by its larger neighbours. The Luxembourgean cannot work out whether they are Frenchish, Germanish or Luxembourgish or something altogetehr differentish. They are however most famous for pretending to be a Frenchman and then revealing themselves as Germans to unsuspecting Frenchmen in Luxembourg. This tactic ensures that French encroachment on their land is nullified, as well as providing a ready food source for the Luxembourgian.

The Austrian

Main article: Austrians

The Austrian is the most well known variant of the German species, famous for its self-denial of being German. They however, are known for crafting a Reich on occasion and do participate in their larger cousin's adventures in the North. Austrians are also known to speak German. This they deny with utmost passion and assurance. However their language does have elements of "Yodel" (See 'Swiss').

The Ossies

Still stuck in 1989, they suffer from the "wall of the mind" syndrome. Being 40 years behind their Wessie brethren, the Ossies complain about being accepted into the Federal Republic and the European Union was a pain in the ass.

The Turks

They are taking over and will be the ethnic majority in Germany by the year 2050. However, they are also renowned for being the friendliest of German subspecies as it is common for a pack of around 20 of them to approach anyone entering their territory and ask the intruder if he has a problem.

The Sorbians or Lusatians

And finally, the oldest surviving ethnic group in Germany are not even Germanic, but are Slavic peoples known as the "Sorbians" or "Lusatians". Interestingly, the Nazis weren't able to eradicate them for being non-German except they are "fo' real". Sometimes compared to the Poles, the Sorbians or Lusatians are a lot smarter than Poles...and Germans.

German Fun Facts and Trivia

[[|In Bavaria, local women are very welcoming and often offer beer to tourists.]]

  • Hiroshima wasn't an atomic bomb - it was a herd of stampeding Germans on their way to the sun loungers by the hotel pool.
  • Germany invests 95% of its tax revenues into the development of Uberhairdryers. These hairdryers are able to melt away the Northpole in approx. 25 seconds which will turn England into a coral reef. Oh, and the Netherlands, too.
  • Most Germans still dream of dominating their next-door neighbours- and maybe the country next to them too.
  • Germans have no traditional costume and wear lederhosen and dirndls solely for fetishstic reasons or maybe because khaki chafes.
  • Germans want to start, and lose, World War III but whipe out the whole of france because french people are cunts.
  • Germans are planning to achieve a national record and lose World War III faster than the first two.
  • The German National Anthem is Oops we did it again and are required to wear red spandex suits, 10 times too small, while singing it. YUM!
  • The Germans' love a good sausage, they also like to eat Wurst, either in form of a horse's penis (Weiswurst), human intestines (Blutwurst), canine excrement (Schwarzwurst) or bollocks (Saumagen, Pressack).
  • The shortest book ever written happens to be 1000 years of German Humour.
    • However, the longest book ever written happens to be Fictional German Weapons in WW II FPS´.
  • A German can demonstrate whether something is funny using a pie chart, scatter graph and a chalk board.
  • The German is naturally adept at building what they call "Panzers" whenever they feel threatened or wish to expand their own living space.
  • German-British relationships were significantly impaired in the 1980s when Helmut Kohl stood on Margaret Thatcher's toes in a Beer-garden in Munich whilst trying to squeeze past to get to the toilet.
  • If you tell a German you'll give him everything he wants if he kills his best friend, he'll kill his best friend. If you don't give him anything but tell him to do it again, he'll do it again anyway. German's will fall for this trick infinite times without realising they didn't get any shit from you.
  • During the duration of WW2 the Germans progressivly got technologically more advanced than we are even today. Once the German controlled Africa was under seige by the allied invasion, Rommel (The german general under control of the nazi's in africa) came up with the idea of injecting a hybrid DNA into the very bricks of the pyramids, allowing the nazi's to drive these gigantic structures. Old war films of the pyramids destroying the allies had been throw into a firey pit once allied take over of nazi controlled area was inevitable. To this day some pyramids roam the desserts of africa, still in search of allied soldiers, just waiting for there chance to start the nazi regime back up.
  • They enjoy a good stache.
  • They have the tendency to dominate in the bedroom, and can be quite viciuos, lil fuckers, when not chained up.
  • They secretly dream of getting Mardi-Gras beads and seeing some American shmoobzckies or however they say titties in German.
  • Every German has a magical potion that cures AIDS hidden somewhere in the deep insides of their bodies, because they are Wizards and are friends of Harry Potter's enemies. They don't let us get it because Malfoy tells them to piss everyone off.
  • They worship King Arthur and are only allowed to eat pancakes on Tuesdays, when the sun's the brightest.
  • All Americans think Rammstein supports fascism.
  • Give a German some taffy and ask him some shit and he will sound very funny
  • They like to steal reserved by the British sunlounges.
  • Most Germans are nudists and if not careful you might be savaged by one.
  • Angela Merkel is actually evil and is willing to destroy all things.
  • Germans can set anything on fire with their minds and solve mysteries with their accents, but they are unaware of this and that's how they lost WWII.
  • Germans are actually a happy people :-D

See also

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This article uses material from the "Germans" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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