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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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Blat il- moghoz
G
Gozo
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "My pet goat is mine. Including her vagina"
Anthem: "Kung fu Karati by Bamboccu"
Capital Victoria
Largest city Victoria
Official languages Gozitan, Pascal
Government Bestial nihilism
  Mr   Giovanna Debono
  Official Cuisine   Cheeselets, Zobb il-forn, migratory birds, horseshoe crabs, Big mac bought with voucher found on rear bus seat
National Hero(es) Torquemada, John Candy, that priest that had sex with that republican guy
Declaration
Currency diamonds and tuna
Religion Festa
  Population   100-115
“Dahhal Ghawdxi id-dar, u jah****k il-mara u t-tfal ”
~ Hitler on Gozo
“Yeah right! And I live in Thailand!”
~ King of France 2 on Gozo
“Aw hej!”
~ Giovanna Debono on A potential voter/worshipper
“My robo-gbejna army is better than yours!”
~ a gozitan on a rival gozitan
“What do you mean your son?!”
~ Pope Henry Freeman XVII on Gozitan women
A graph explaining the incremental use of solar energy in Gozo


The island of gozo was invented in 31BC by Jesus's grandfather Thomas Whales. It is situated near Malta in the mediterranean but sometimes drift to the east due to racial harrassment. Gozo is not a real country and some people believe it to be a large barnacle. Most people though, believe they have not heard of it.

Contents

Politics

The president/king/admin of gozo is Giovanna Debono. It was elected in 1948 by no one in particular but has since estabilished itself like a fleshy anemone on the island and rules it with unwavering discipline. Its rule has been described by historians as "negligible", "Mmmmm....Delicious" and "I have no time for this". Under it's rule several improvements were improved. Sanitation was introduced in a form known as constipation and books were introduced. As of January 2007 13 books have been read, 1 written and 63 given european citizenship. The administration was dealt a severe blow in 2002 when it was revealed that Giovanna Debono is in fact a wombat. This called for a radical change in Gozo's constitution, which at the time did not exist. Therefore a constitution was invented and wombats were declared to be "differently abled people". Giovanna was also declared to be beautiful and it has been proven by gozitan scientists(waiters and traffic lights) that 53.5% of gozitan men daydream of lying naked on top of it and licking its nose, the other 46.5% daydream of lying naked on top of it and licking its ears. lol

Geography

Gozo is very small but no one knows it's exact size. This is because measurments were outlawed in 1742 by King Joe the endowed, it is speculated that this was due to his penile insecurity but since speculating on penile insecurity was also outlawed no one knows for sure. Gozo is made largely of limestone and the surface is covered by marble slabs uder which gozitans hide their money. Most of that money dates back to the 1800s and is largely unusable. Gozo does not have many natural resources but is an exporter of goats and toe cancer. Since population is sparse the government has tried to give incentives to people to have sex. This included paying them, fellating them into sexual arousal and a voucher for a KFC bucket for each baby. So far this has failed to produce results.

Demographics

As of January 2007 in Gozo there are 80 farmers, 10 waiters, 6 archers, 4 hummvees, 1 shaman and 14 priests of which 13 are bishops. 90% of of people are illiterate and only a few own a computer. For every 1 female there are 30 males. The average income per family is that of $2500 per day. 95% of the populations beats their wife, children and pets.
A gozitan dog cowers from his master's wrath
.

People

Most people in gozo are uneducated, ghalkemm imorru mal moz.. Much like in chess, careers in gozo are chosen by managing to cross the island. When one reaches the other end he gets promoted to either farmer or waiter depending on the demand. Most people become farmers. Farmers are given a hoe and a cap and they start working in their field. Everyone in gozo owns a field.

Parents will also feed their children to the first wild animal they encounter in a bid to stop pneumonia from killing their children. Another habit gozitans have is that of having sexual intercourse with their goat. Everyone in gozo owns a goat. Goats are regarded to be deities who hunger for sexual favours and will punish their human caretakers if not sufficiently pleased. As of January 2007 no gozitan has been punished by a goat.

Another item that every Gozitan owns is a flat or farmhouse. Maltesers (which are a type of cadbury but left two days in the sun) like to go to Gozo to enjoy sex with goats, sleep in farmhouses and beat wives, children, dogs ... usually this is what a Maltese does in order to book one of these holidays: 1. The male Maltese looks for other friends who might join him for the trip. Ideally there are also females with the group so that he has an excuse of needing the condoms for their sake and not for the goats. 2. The Malteser chooses a number at random that starts 2156 and followed by any other 4 numbers. At the answering form the other side which would go by "ugla bugla gugla", the Malteser asks for a flat or farmhouse and the Gozitan books him for the weekend. 3. The Malteser goes to all supermarkets in Malta to buy milk, bread and bulu beef as no food is available in Gozo. 4. The Malteser speeds up as fast as he can in his car so that maybe he can jump it to Gozo. 98% fail to do this. 1.5% get eaten by Gozitans on arrival. The remaining 0.5% manage to have sex with Govanna Debono and a goat simultaneously. After this they are eaten. The 98% that fall in the sea are pulled up by Gozitans and eaten. The bulu beef is offered as sagrifice to Goats.

Human Mating

When a gozitan girl turns 11, her mother dresses her in shiny ornaments and displays her at the local square. The mother brags about the fact that her daughter can count up to 5 and the amount of cows she milks per day. Next the girl's is sexually tested by the local priests, bishop/s, shamans, orcs, trolls and Giovanna Debono. When a Gozitan boy turns 11, he is ass raped by 5 “M.U.S.E.U.M.” officials and Giovanna Debono. After this the boys and the girls must satisfy the local goats sexually, in order not to anger their gods. Once these rituals are done, the Gozitan boys and girls are considered ready to commence social intercourse with one another. When a two Gozitans of the opposite sex aged between 11 and 21 like one another, they must get permission from their parents, the goats, and Giovanna Debono in order to look at each other. After two years of doing so, they may utter to each other any one of the 5 words in the Gozitan language: “Ugla, Meza, Aw, Gbejna or Ustja” Please note that any Gozitan boy or girl may only be on speaking terms with one person of the opposite sex or else he/she will be mentioned in the local gossip to have connections with “drakks” “Jehovah” and “setenizmiw” and be a “qehbe” (bitch). Once a Gozitan couple have been on speaking terms for 5 years they are married at the local church, while their families throw piles of shit at each other each claiming to have the better farm. Once the couple are married, they are ordered by the goats and Giovanna Debono to produce as much children as they can. Contraceptives are considered to be evil and any use of them shall be punished by the goats. No punishment regarding contraceptive sex has been recorded as of Febuary 2009. Also, an interesting fact is that NONE of the women shave.

Education

At the age of 5 months, Gozitan children are encouraged to learn off books by heart, and stabbing other children in order to prevent competition. Gozitan children are then sent to concentration camps administered by nuns. The children there take place in a deathmatch armed only with a spoon. The surviving 5 children are then shot, stabbed, force fed and electrocuted by the nuns. The remaining 3 then go to mass with the nuns, and the one who doesn't pay attention is hanged. Finally, the two remaining contestants learn 30 books by heart and take part in a quiz hosted by the nuns. The loser is shot 36 times in the head by the nuns. The remaining student is then has sex with Giovanna Debono, the nuns and a goat. After this he is eaten by the nuns. Those who manage to escape the concentration camps take part in A levels, in which they score a minimum of an A+, yet still have difficulty tying their shoelaces. After this they sail for 50 days and 50 nights to Malta, become facilitators and/or enter a full time course at university in Commerce or Law, making sure to avoid eye-contact with any Maltesers, Asians, or “dawk l us*** suwid”. Once the Gozitan graduates at the age of 15 he/she sails back to his homeland, and is worshiped by the locals for knowing the words “Therefore” , “Theoretically” and “yes”. They then are invited to a banquet held by the nuns, and are eventually eaten. Mothers take pride in their sons and daughters education and sometimes brag about their children being in university courses with complicated names such as “Criminology” or “Communications” or “Bee eSSe See Kem Ist Ree end Bai O Loj eee”. This often leads to hatred and rivalry between Gozitan mothers often leading to violence. As of February 2009, 25 farmers, 3 priests, 2 shamans, and 1 waiter have been killed due this violence.

Carnival

Carnival is one Gozo's most popular Religious feasts, and takes place in Giovanna Debono's home world, Nadur. Nadur is situated between the Andromeda galaxy and your mum (lol!) and consists of 25 sheep, 3 cows, a typewriter, 796783234 people named Peter Paul and a bunch of pedophiles. During the month of Carnival Gozitans rent space ships to go to Nadur and forget about their normal religious values and get high off glue and cat pee. On the third day of Carnival a MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Rape Playing Game) is hosted by the goats. At night, Gozitans like to wear masks to conceal their identity, arm themselves AK-47 and kill their enemies while in disguise. It is a well known fact, that murder, rape, theft and bad taste in music are not considered criminal offences during the Carnival month. Maltesers like to go to Nadur during Carnival as an excuse to shag goats. As of February 2009, Carnival has been one of Gozo's most profitable feasts.

Religion

The Catholics on the island claim that they have more right to their faith than Vatican City and Malta put together, as they say Jesus was thought to have reincarnated onto their island, for during a same-sex marriage ceremony there last year, a Muslim walked through the door and reveiled that he was both male and female. The Gozitans worshiped him/her as a miricle and to this day believe that he is the real reincarnated Jesus

Religion is dead serious in Gozo and all gozitans fervently follow catholicism. It is estimated that 37% of the whole country is covered in churches. Once a year gozitans have the local "festa" and will run in the street offending the local patron saint with threaths of defiling his mother's vagina and demanding justice from god regarding his or her vagina. In the local tradition this is done by saying "Oxx (insert patron name)" or "Haqq oxx (insert patron name)". Scientists believe that if a gozitan read this article there would be a 67% chance that he says "Haqq insert patron name" during the next festa. The bishop of Gozo is regarded to be the most important person on the island, so much that he counts as 13 people. The bishop is actually a tower crane dressed in violet but no one really cares. In fact this fascination with cranes links the Gozitans with the Yazidi subculture.

Relations with neighbouring countries

Relations with neighbouring countries are bad at best. Few countries trade with gozo and most will leave the room offended if someone mentions gozo. The worst relations are those with malta and a gozitan will do his best to kidnap, rape or give cancer to a maltese on sight. Gozitans are known to steal from most foreigners. This is tollerated and it is in fact a crime not to socially degrade a foreigner.

Economy

The economy of Gozo is driven mainly by tourism, oil exploration and the Three Hills Brand "Tal-Zobb il Blu". San Domenico Mintoff was the first prime minister to find oil in Gozo, but he used to secretly trade it for Chupa Chups lollipops and used soap. All oil reserves were depleted by 1986 (circa) and are now being refilled by oil imported from Gaddaffi the Grey.

Tourists also play a major role for the economic advancement of Gozo. Every Gozitan knows how to take care of tourists so that these eventually change their nationality to Gozitans. At this point, the tourists are sent to prison, raped, burnt alive, fed to emus and finally sent back to their countries with Fedex. A special treatment is given to Maltese tourists (they are sent back with DHL instead).

After World War 2, tourism was becoming so popular that the natives started feeling Gozo was becoming somewhat overcrowded. In order to control this situation, the governing authority in Gozo, "Il-Club tal-Fniek", ruled out that special taxes should be imposed on tourists. This lead to an impeccable pricing scheme, where prices for tourists vary according to nationality. Gozitans are now trained from an early age to be able to calculate this tax mentally. Hence, nowadays even a fish monger at an unknown area in Rabat, is able to assign prices 'on the fly' - without having to consult any reference.

Prices per nationality can be predicted using the formulas below:

Gozitan: math

Maltese: math

Rest of the world: math

See also

sendMalta


This article uses material from the "Gozo" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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