The Fool Wiki

Grue: Wikis


Note: Many of our articles have direct quotes from sources you can cite, within the Wikipedia article! This article doesn't yet, but we're working on it! See more info or our list of citable articles.

Uncyclopedia

Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

This is not a Grue.
This is, however. OMG, RUN!!!!!
“I love those little fuckers.”
~ A typical Canadian on Grues
“I'm going to fucking bury that guy. I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to fucking kill... OH MY GOD!!! AHHHHH!!! MY LEG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AGAERLBARGLEHAESL...........”
~ Steve Ballmer on getting eaten by a Grue
“It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a Grue.”
~ Ancient proverb
“Roses are red, violets are blue / I'm sorry to say, you'll be eaten by a Grue”
~ Valentine's Day card message
“HANDS OFF, GRUES, LEST YOU TASTE MY BAN HAMMER!”
~ George Bush on Unholy Grue Menace stealing The Internets


A grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi) is a box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating humans, though more recently they have been known to kill certain lone wolves, construction workers, a gerbil or two, speranah, the occasional monkey, people who send annoying chain e-mails, your pets, and...well, Grues like eating a lot of things. Grues are not often seen roaming the wilderness in herds, whistling old-time Irish pub songs, working on crossword puzzles, and calculating the amount of back taxes owed by car salesmen. The reason Grues are not often seen doing anything is because grues live in total darkness, so the whole "seeing" thing would be kind of hard to do. The likelihood of being eaten by a grue is probably non-zero, unless you are, in fact, Canadian. This is all because the leader of the grues, Domo-Kun signed a treaty with Canada on 16 May 2001 that entitled all Canadians full pardon to any and all consumption by grue. The deal was that for the pardon they would lure in all the Americans they possibly could for the grues to feed on (because they're so damn tasty). If you attain Canadian citizenship, you are automatically pardoned, unless your name is Barack Obama.

It is widely believed that all emeralds are grue, but in fact, all emeralds are bleen
A Caucasian Grue

There are an estimated 47 grues left in the United States today due to the Grue conservation program - luckily all grues are kept under heavy rocks, or locked away in abandoned biker bars. Of course, being creatures of darkness that tend to eat nearly anything they can get within range of, these numbers are likely inaccurate, outdated, or simply made up by the same people who tell us that pretty much everything causes cancer.

The game of Zork consists entirely of being repeatedly eaten by a grue.

Contents

Grue-Slaying

Grues cannot be killed with these things

A futile attempt at killing a Grue.
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Grue (monster).
  • In recent tests performed by experts who asked not to be named but were killed anyway, Grues CAN in fact be killed by ninjas. This however is extremely unlikely to happen outside of testing as Ninjas and Grues have made certain agreements about sharing the darkness (ninja-pirates are not included in this). However this was made without the knowledge of the anti-ninja coalition and the anti-anti-ninja coalition and has since then been proved untrue on account of the ninjas being orange.
It's a shame, nobody told the Stickfigures that Grues can't be killed with swords. Oh, well.

Grues can be killed with these things

  • The RSOD Red Screen Of Death, but also will kill you and anyone else who has not recently ingested a xbox 360 in an 18 mile radius
  • Light, except when the plot demands that they don't.
  • They can also be killed by Hadokens, but that requires nine levels of Black Magery.
  • The Anti-comma, although it will not only destroy the grue, but asplode the hell out of anything within 5 miles, thus not being very useful.
  • The Grue can be killed with most things on the LOWTDEBS, although they don't actually exist and should thus be disregarded.
  • The Grue can also be killed with abominably bad grammar. If you is grue; stops read before now, you eye start frys.
  • Grues can be killed by the Anti-Grue and its brilliant schemes and use of sarcasm, but unless you can summon the Anti-Grue, you're still screwed...
  • Grues can also be killed by eurgs, but that destroys the entire universe in the process, so nobody's ever tried it. Plus, carrying an eurg around with you invariably results in the eurg eating you.
  • Extreme sarcasm (yeah, right(!)) (Note: this risks killing everyone else in the vicinity)
  • Chuck Norris can kill Grues. No questions asked.
  • Ninja Chef eats Grues for dinner, although whether or not he kills them first is unknown. Also, eating grues for dinner is not a known way of killing them (cf Oprah).
  • Canadians even though they would not dare attempt to kill their friends and allies.
  • A method once tried for slaying a Grue is to attack it with your own Grue, but you should look at this table for the reasons why this is incredibly stupid.

Better-than-best-case scenario Both grues spontaneously turn into power ball tickets. You win the lottery and become a multi-millionaire.
Best-case scenario Both of the Grues kill each other, which is damn near impossible.
Next-best-case scenario Your Grue kills the other one and eats you. You're dead, buuuut at least you kinda killed a grue.
Worse-case scenario The other Grue kills your Grue and eats you. You're dead, and your Grue got its butt kicked.
Worst-case scenario Both Grues realize they've been tricked, then they team up and eat you. You're dead, and you were betrayed by your own Grue.
Worse-than-worst-case scenario The grues decide that you make a better sex toy than a meal. Imagine that for the rest of your life!
This is how most Grues look in the half-second before they eat you.

Natural Habitat

The natural habitat of Grues.

Grues can be found in all the dark places of the world, your mom's cookie jar, for example. They also have been found in your basement and under the bed of bad little children who don't brush their teeth or eat their vegetables. One characteristic of Grue dwellings is that all of them contain an equal quantity of priceless treasure. Nobody knows for certain why this is so. The prevailing theory is that the presence of the treasure provides the Grues with a near-constant supply of adventurers to devour. An alternative theory reverses this relationship: since adventurers often carry treasures with them, and Grues cannot digest treasure, any treasure found in a Grue dwelling is merely detritus from its many meals.

Grue Subspecies

While not as square or deadly as their adult counterparts, baby Grues should never be handled.

Apart from the common grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi ravenousi), there are many, less common types.

Russian Grue (Gruesomicius ravenousi soviet)

“In Soviet Russia, Grue is likely to be eaten by YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Grues

The rare Russian Grue can be killed by almost anything, and is common prey for oxen, weeds, cow tongues, sand castles, and lawyers. When a Russian Grue reproduces with a regular Grue, it will create a kitten. The reason for this is unknown to modern science. But who really wants to study the reproductive aspects of Grues? Not me!

Auld Grues (Gruesomicius ravenousi mediaevalis)

Se Grue doþ ned nan armour, for se Grue is impregnabel. Þus, se Ealden Grues ne am an life nu.

Old Grues, seen on the left, were chivalrous and swordwielding knights, who would (unlike today's Grues) offer mercy and be courteous as the victim was eaten, usually offering a quick and painless death as opposed to fiery fangs and searing pains ripping through the enemy's body. Old Grues liked to rescue damsels, but this became a problem when the Grue was unable to resist eating the damsel. This was very troublesome for Old Grues and damsels stopped calling for help, afraid they would be eaten by an Old Grue. Real knights errant were really pissed off that they couldn't find any damsels anymore, so they took advantage of the Old Grues' mercy and non-ruthlessness and killed them all.

Ur-Grue (Gruesomicius superiori youhavediedii)

Scrawled in the margins of medieval bestiaries are descriptions of a single terrible and powerful grue spellcaster known as the Ur-Grue. It is said to be completely immune to all of the traditional Grue's weaknesses - it is constantly surrounded by magical darkness which nought but sunlight can penetrate, and most conventional weapons will either miss completely or cease to exist upon contact with its body. It is, however, partially vulnerable to extreme sarcasm. In addition to its fearsome natural armaments, the Ur-Grue is armed with a multitude of spells, such as cleesh (change foe to small amphibian), yozozzo (change foe into small duck), and onkik (unknown, possibly magic missile). The Ur-Grue is currently serving as the final boss of Zork, after usurping the position from the Grue King.

Others

For a short time, speranah were considered to be a subspecies of grue, but the person who suggested this was soon beaten to death and everyone forgot about it.

Though not technically a subspecies,"grue" is also a type of paste used exclusively in Japan (popularly manufactured by "Ehrmers".)

How to Deal With a Grue

The grue crossing signs proved an effective way to prepare drivers for an encounter.
  • Die.
  • Scream and die.
  • Scream, struggle, and die.
  • Scream, struggle, shit yourself, and die.
  • Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, and die.
  • Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
  • Scream, run, struggle, shit yourself, listen to any emo song, look at a picture of Michael Jackson, and die.
  • Recite every line of Moby Dick in Italian. Grues love the Italian language, so it will subdue them for awhile. Of course when you are done reading, the grue will still eat you.
  • Sing one of Michael Bolton's classic songs. Grues hate Michael Bolton. Of course they will still eat you, but you can have the satisfaction of having irritated a grue.
  • Drink a glass of milk; 2.6% of grue are lactose intolerant, safe in the knowlege that the Grue will get diarrhea when it finally gets round to eating you, which is very quickly.
  • Use extreme sarcasm.
  • Build a sandcastle. It won't help at all, and you will be eaten, but it is a fun activity.
  • Cast Frotz. This only works for wizards, enchanters, and other magically-enabled people.
  • DON'T WANDER AROUND IN THE DARK, YOU MORON! Alternatively, light your torch.
  • It is a little known fact that Grues like hearing haikus. Therefore reciting a haiku to a grue will extend your life by 17 syllables.
  • Wrap a towel around your head. Although the grue will still eat you, it will make the postprandial cleanup easier. Plus, if you have telepathy you will be able to see the grue while it eats you.
  • Yell for your mum over and over again until you die.
  • Strip naked and perform an ancient Mayan rain dance, and pray that the rain distracts the grue.
  • Call for a republican, and die.
  • Continually masturbate. That's right. Day in, day out. It'll work, so long as there are kittens in the world.
  • Summon Chuck Norris. This is not a very effective method though, because chuck norris is likely to wait until you are eaten so that he will get a show, and a kill.
  • Make sure you have a box of fried chicken(not empty). Leave it, and run. It will eat the chicken and if you don't leave in the next 2.5 seconds--

One example of how to deal with Grues is shown here.

Some people recommend turning on the lights, as according to the legend this will cause the grue to 'melt away.' Clearly this course of action is futile and should not be undertaken by any means. For a start, it is logically impossible for a creature to 'melt away' on exposure to light; notwithstanding, the Great Ice Creature of Neptune. Furthermore, as shown by Darwin, only mutated Grues which can survive light will survive, and eventually only these mutant Grues will be left, thus leaving the human populace with no weaponry to take them down. It is how ever possible to kill a Grue with a Republican, as they usually carry guns and love hunting. A T.V. can cause a Grue to melt away as they are allergic to non-natural sounds.

Try throwing a small child to it, in a desperate attempt to escape.

It is recomended that you always keep a republican and a T.V. in your home to kill the Grues that you see on near your home. Sacrifice yourself to a Grue today so your children can melt them tomorrow!

“A grue is here now. I am writing a haiku. Please go away, grue.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Grue


Another alternative is to move to Russia. In Soviet Russia, YOU eat Grue! It should be noted, however, that the Russian Grue is a subspecies of the common Grue.

The Only Thing that can Destroy a Grue

Little is known about the 'Grue Destroyer' or 'Evil Conquerer of the Grues.' However, historical documents provide us with information that an army of Grues were caught in the Florida Swamps (the historical document has been certified authentic by the five members of the Most Extraordinary Society of Scottish Widows, who travel the globe searching for Grues and who witnessed what is now widely referred to as the Grue Slayings of 2001).

Extract from an eyewitness account provided by a member from the Most Extraordinary Society of Scottish Widows: We were searching the swamps for Grues when we stopped in our tracks; a golden light was dazzling at us from the middle of a swamp. Curious as we were, we did not want to risk an ambush by some foreign creature. So, we sent forward the most hated and least important member of the Most Extraordinary Society of Scottish Widows. She came back and told us to hurry forwards. We heeded her call and moved forwards through the swamp, where we encountered the dazzling golden thing. It was a Hob-Goblin, wearing a golden hat, and sitting on top of a Golden Llama. There were three Hob-Goblins in total, riding three Golden Llamas. One of the Hob-Goblins directed his Llama away from the swamp and left for a few minutes. He arrived back with an army of Grues in his wake, all of whom seemed to surrender to the Hob-Goblins awesomeness and who trundled obediently along in his and the Llama's wake. The Grues, 15 or 20 of them at least, were herded into the middle of the swamp. The Hob-Goblins then raised their palms towards the Grues, who subsequently dropped dead. We were in awe of the Hob-Goblins and how they killed the Grues... nothing, ever ever ever had killed a Grue before. It was impossible, unless you had Chuck Norris by your side. We proceeded to converse with the Hob-Goblins who told us that only a Hob-Goblin riding a Golden Llama and wearing a golden hat could defeat a Grue.

This is the single account of Grue slayings, and deemed accurate by Grue historians. In fact, ever since the rise in the number of Golden Llama births, slave children in Malaysia making golden hats and Hob-Goblins appearing after jumping off Himalayan mountains (where it is believed they originate from) Grue numbers have been rapidly decreasing.

Grue and other names

Some also know grues as "Domo-kun", due to parody site Wikipedia's Domo-kun article.

Articles eaten by Grue

See Also

Footnotes

^ yes they can!Bullshit!you are SO wrongLiar!Poopy-head!You're the poopy-head, poopy-head!O RLY?YA RLY!NO WAI!YA WAI!SRSLY?YA!


This article is likely to be eaten by a grue. I suggest you run like hell or cast Frotz before it eats you too.

This article was featured on 11 July 2006. Click here to see the featured version.

190px-Featured.png

Featured Article Featured version: 11 July 2006
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
Template:FA/11 July 2006Template:FA/2006

This article uses material from the "Grue" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Wackypedia

Up to date as of February 07, 2010

From Wackypedia

This is a matter so gruesome that I dare not write about it. May mercy be held on the pitiful soul who does - especially if the lights aren't turned on; not even magic will help you then. So, let's speak of the word, instead. Not a byte, nor a dword, but a word. Word. A most interesting word, isn't it? It can be used as a shorthand method of writing 'congruent', only more gruesome.

Aha; but there's more to it!

Of course there is! Everyone knows that "congruent" is a most sinister and ominous word, short for nothing less than "conspiracy", "grue" and "no escape no matter what". I know; Francis E. Dec, Esq. himself told me so (then he ate my babies – it just goes to show, you never know who's in on it all! ;_;)!

And should you ever see a grue...

You might think it looks peaceful...
...until you turn off the lights!

You have been eaten by Vin Diesel.


This article uses material from the "Grue" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







Got something to say? Make a comment.
Your name
Your email address
Message