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This article is about actress and president Haruhi Suzumiya. For the religion based on the television show, see Haruhiism.
Haruhi Suzumiya
45th President of the United States
Assumed office
January 2009
Vice President Ted Morris
Preceded by Barack Obama
Born April 7, 1957 (52) San Francisco California
Birth name Haruhi Mikuru Suzumiya
Nationality Japanese-American
Political party Democratic
Spouse Kyon (he didn't have a proper name and surname, so she remained Suzumiya)
Children Kagami Suzumiya, Tsukasa Suzumiya
Nationality Japanese-American
Profession Attorney, Professor, Author, Politician, Actress
Religion Christian

Haruhi Suzumiya (born April 7, 1957) Haruhi Suzumiya is the crazy girl and actress who played the leading role as herself in The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, was the main character of the nine-part autobiography Haruhi Suzumiya, and founder and former leader of the SOS Brigade.

Suzumiya is a graduate from Harvard Law School. Followed by her graduation, she practiced criminal law from 1979 - 1999. Following her unsuccessful bid for the united states senate seat in early 80's, Haruhi Suzumiya went into acting, as to where the anime started. Her crazy face means a lot to the American people. It means she will fix the economic crisis and repair Washington once in for all. Most people thought Suzumiya was only 18 but as her real age was revealed during her presidential campaign when she was 51 years old, she is now 52 as of April 7, 2009. However most of the time she acts like a 15 years old hi-school girl, which sometimes makes people think she is as the same age as her daughter. During her presidential campaign she tends to wear the bunny girl costume or sometimes appear topless or even in full nude, which in return attracted porn stars and playmates to vote for her (she also occasionally performing in live concerts as part of her presidential campaign). However all forms of pornography were banned soon after she become the president. Of course this banning was achieved by her being a law practitioner manipulated the Congress and court houses.

President Suzumiya plans to keep Guantanamo Bay open until the inmate conflict is resolved. Haruhi plans to open SOS programs for people on drugs like her daughter Kagami and lucky star girl Konata. The program will issue anything you need for hardship. It is in major debate as Previous President Barack Obama disagrees with Haruhi's program. They've even scream in eachothers faces over the matter. Haruhi believes it will help people that are unable to work and provide, or unable to get off drugs on their own.

Before Haruhi became president, she was not only the leader of the SOS Brigade, but she was the queen of butt sex. She taught Mikuru many, many, nasty butt tricks like butt drunk, or butt smoking, butt huffing, even butt cumming. She even forced Kyon to stick it in Mikuru's ass. While she taught Yuki Nagato to have fun butt sexing Mikuru, she made Yuki Nagato the leader of the SOS Brigade.

President Haruhi Suzumiya, and 4 years of her, imagine what the great county of the United States of America would become in that due time? While Obama just wondering what would happen to this country, he thinks about killing her by shooting her in the head because he is jealous that she singlehandedly pressured Hugo Chavez to give up, the crazed president of Iran to shut up, stopped North Korea from developing long-range missiles somehow, fix the economy and create a better health care and make General Motors profitable, which is something that Obama has failed to do.

Haruhi Suzumiya has also been known to make things happen, Except she failed to end the Endless Eight (also known to the public as the Wasted Eight), which turned out to be the downfall for her as people were tired of seeing the same crap all over again.

Recently there have been rumors flying around citing that Haruhi is believed to be Jesus Christ who have returned from Heaven, which means the Second Coming might already took place. However it is unsure why he (Jesus) took the female form (Haruhi) but with her God-like ability it is hard to deny that Haruhi might be indeed the son daughter of God. Despite that, rather than adopting Christianity, Haruhi started her own religion, Haruhiism instead. On the other hand, some other 'unreliable' sources cited that it is Kyon (Haruhi's husband) who is the actual Jesus Christ, not Haruhi herself.


The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya


A Tsundere boy who lied on his application and is not supernatural in any way ever (though the truth is that it is his power that granted Haruhi the God-like abilities, making some people believe that he is actually Jesus Christ who have returned from Heaven). He only survived because Haruhi, Zeus, wanted to get in his pants (which explains how he became Haruhi's sex slave). He keeps pictures of Mikuru in a maid outfit saved on his computer, which he fapping licking to every day. It is believed that he also keeps nude Mikuru pictures (which he might have secretly took when Mikuru was costume-raped by Haruhi) but there is no way to confirm this as Haruhi is always tagging around him. There is also speculation that he and Nagato had a torrid love affair, but when Haruhi's elder brother, Chuck Norris found out that god's only love was involved in such an affair, he banished Nagato to the Philippines. Kyon and Haruhi are expecting Charles DickHead much to Kyon's reluctance, because he's giving birth to him. Well, Haruhi could make things happen after all.

Yuki Nagato

Yuki Nagato
A robot-witch made by aliens sent to watch people and assassinate them. She likes to read because reading is so hot. She is a closet lesbian, though no one has asked her about it. Like most characters on the show, she doesn't do much, yet is worshiped by legions of fanboys. After her affair with Kyon, she was banished to the Netherlands by Haruhi's elder brother, Chuck Norris. By that time she was already pregnant of Kyon's kid of which she gave birth to a son at Amsterdam General Hospital shortly after arrived there. Because she loves to read it is said she has a massive library of horrid Cyberchase, Twilight & ObamaxMichelle fanfiction.

Mikuru Asahina

As you can see, Mikuru is getting costume raped again.

A whiny time traveler who never does anything, and is constantly molested by Haruhi. This is somewhat frightening considering Suzumiya's status as God.

She failed every challenge, except for the first, a tea brewing contest. If she wasn't killed so Mawi the basics of time warping and caused more trouble for the future. She is the only person in the universe able to use what is known as the "Mikuru Beam", an extremely powerful beam that Mikuru shoots from her left eye, with an average intensity of 5.65*10^55 eV.

Her Large Size wanted to seduce Kyon, but she still fails miserably. She tried to seduce Kyon by showing her nipple. Kyon really wants to have fun with Mikuru Large Size, but Kyon realizes if Haruhi finds out, Haruhi would sent Mikuru and Kyon to Hell!

The Mikuru Beam

Gohan tries to deflect the Mikuru Beam. He dies 1.34 seconds later.
The Mikuru Beam is an intensified mass of light energy fired out of Mikuru Asahina's left eye, with the destrucive power equaling that of Perfect Cell's gayness mixed with Chuck Norris's beard. In fact, the reason that King Leonidas kicked his good friend The Messenger into the Pit of Fail was to keep him from being incinerated by a Mikuru Beam that hit the immediate area seconds later, as revealed in a Director's Cut blooper reel of a version of the movie recently retrieved from the center of the Earth, and then subsequently lost and eaten by Mark Hamill. The exact cause of why it was fired is not known, but it is thought that Mikuru was peeved about Street Fighter 4 not containing Captain Morgan as a playable character and proceeded to shoot the beam as a form of anger management. Coincidentally, this beam is what caused Einstein to come up with the Theory of Relativety, a.k.a The Beam Fired Out of the Left Eye of a Girl in Japan Which Just So Happened to Spark the Formula for the Speed of Light and Other Related Scientific Advancements.

Wait, why doesn't she say no?

Itsuki Koizumi

Itsuki being a gay psychic.

Itsuki is a homosexual psychic from an alleged agency of homosexual psychics who has the ability to fly around in menstrual blood to kill giant things and prevent the world from becoming emo. He is constantly smiling because is totally flaming gay, hence, a gay gay. He also wants to become Miss Universe, and spit out his utter fabulosity to everyone on the planet. Itsuki also wants to marry Kyon and adopt a caucasian baby with him. For the fanboys and non-obsessed fangirls, Kyon's not interested. For the yaoi-loving-fangirls and yaoi-loving-fanboys, Kyon totally wants in his pants. Because he smiles too damn much, Kyon calls him Ichimaru.

Timelord Man

Timelord Man is a badass time-traveling superhero in a gray SWAT outfit. He drives a super-cool black & white 1973 Dodge Polara, a.k.a. the Timelordmobile. The Timelordmobile is equipped with a 440 cubic inch engine, PA-100 electronic siren, GE Mastr II radio, hidden armor plating, and time travel equipment. The time travel equipment includes time circuits + a flux capacitor (totally not ripped off from Back to the Future) and is powered by lemon juice. Timelord Man keeps plenty of guns in the trunk, too. The other members of the group are absolutely intrigued by him, especially Haruhi, & Itsuki. Of course, Itsuki merely wants to do homosexual things to him, which does not amuse Timelord Man. Rumors suggest that Timelord Man may just be some nerd with too much time on his hands, but there is insufficient evidence to prove anyone in school as being Timelord Man.

Other cast

Ryoko Asakura

A scene depicting the battle between Yuki and Ryoko.
The host of the first season, at least until she was killed by Yuki. Asakura was furious with Kyon for lying about being supernatural and tried to kill him. But Yuki suddenly jumped out and stabbed Asakura with her own sexual aid. She's also got beaver eyebrows. Actually Asakura is a confused masochist who thought it would be fun if she kill Kyon as the act of masochism (she's just a confused alien, what can you expect?). In other words, what people had thought of she wanted to kill Kyon is actually her attempt to rape him.

Kyon's Sister

She appears to be Kyon's sister, however she is not actually related to him in any way. She lives in the same house as Kyon, and is frequently seen entering his bedroom while he is in bed. Kyon never has sex with her because he thinks she is his sister. She has the same super powers as Kyon (i.e. none), but is very different from him, as Kyon's Sister is her actual name, and Kyon is just what Haruhi decided to call him. It is quite likely that Kyon is known as Kyon because his sister's name is Kyon's Sister. She appears to be the only one feeding Kyon's magical cat.


Little is known about Kyon's cat, other than the fact that he can talk, and is the only one that Yuki has opened herself up to. It appears that he is actually an alien, that has been living on earth for no apparent reason. He thinks of Yuki as a senpai, despite the fact that he is much older than Yuki. Also the only character that Haruhi has shown no interest in having sex with, so she killed him and used his innards for the strings on her guitar.

Computer Research Society President

A nerd who can't get a life. He sometimes turns into a giant cricket and has attempted to rape Mikuru Yuki with his giant tentacle antenna. He likes yelling the word contest and is subsequently Falcon Kicked by Haruhi. He also was forced to giving up the Computer Research Society's best computer, because Haruhi made his hand touch Asahina's sweet boob. He seems to love playing Yu-Gi-Oh! along with Bakugan Battle Brawlers. If his altercation with Haruhi was written like a Shakespearean comedy, here's what this exchange between one of his comrades and Haruhi would be:

COMPUTER RESEARCH SOCIETY MEMBER: An' we be witnesses for our good sir--
HARUHI SUZUMIYA: Then I'll tell all the whole club gang-raped her!

Headline text

Taniguchi and Kunikida

No one cares about them. No one even knows what their real names are (though Taniguchi might be an Italian mafia descent whose actual name would be Leonardo Ronaldo Tanigucci, while Kunikida's full name might be Cu Nikida Kalashnikov - a Russian-Japanese descent). Well, they were best friends with Kyon until they found out he was in a club where he frequently watches girls change into bunny suits. In Episode Zero it was revealed that Taniguchi and Kunikida respectively are sliders (a person from other dimension) and an artificial human (a biological android to be exact). This meets what Haruhi has always desired (to always have paranomal stuff around her). Too bad the Episode Zero was never aired so nobody will ever know about them. No one cares about them and that's what Taniguchi and Kunikida is all about. People should not care about them. The moment people started to care about them, they would no longer be Taniguchi and Kunikida anymore.


Tsuruya after going Super Saiyan. Notice her ancestry vampire fang in her mouth
Tsuruya is a daughter of a Saiyan father and a Japanese vampire mother (which explains the fang she has). Apparently her mother is an evolved, new breed of vampire that only consume raw blowfish flesh, grilled pork, seaweed, eel slices, octopus (tentacle only), wasabi, soy sauce, rice, and sake instead of human blood. Over years of evolution the vampire have lost one of their two fangs, resulting only one of them remaining now. The name Tsuruya is actually the mother's maiden name but since the Saiyan's naming convention is not compatible with earthling thus the Tsuruya name was adopted instead. Tsuruya has no real name as her parents have troubles naming all their kids, which is why Tsuruya and her 16 other siblings are sharing the same Tsuruya name. The family made their vast amount of wealth by investing in Sony, Nintendo, Disney, Microsoft, Playboy, the U.S. government, and every nuclear research facility built in the last 60 years, as well as numbers of hi-tech terrorist movements including Al-Qaeda. It was hypothesized by experts that the family collaborated with the two time terrorists from Back to the Future and altered history in order to attain such charismatic goals in the present. When the heir to the fortune was asked about these theories, she immediately went Super Saiyan 2 and procceeded to kick the interviewers' asses. Contrary to popular belief Tsuruya can go Super Saiyan, and is in fact the first Super Saiyan in history to have gone Super Saiyan without actually being a Saiyan. The exact logic behind this is not yet known, but it is thought that Tsuruya learned how to do this by watching John Wayne play a ping-pong match with Michael Moore upside-down in mid-air on an HD television set recovered from the reckage of a 345 megaton car explosion in 1928. This event singlehandedly sparked World War 76, which somehow preceeded the first 2 wars and created the country of Guatemala in the process.

Episode order

A prominent work of art; the "Come to bed..." piece is viewed as one of the greater post modernistic works.

In post-production, some idiot mislabeled the tapes with the episodes, so nobody knows which order they were supposed to be aired in, despite the so-called "Kyon's Order" and "Haruhi's Order". Hours of analysis by dedicated and girlfriend-less fanboys has yielded the following information about what the true episode order is supposed to be:

  • Episode Negative One is a combination of two or more random episodes.
  • Episode Zero was never shown because Haruhi was pregnant (of Kyon's kid, obviously) on that time.
  • The First Episode is obviously the eleventh. If you didn't know that, you're an idiot.
  • The Second Episode is actually the 14th episode.
  • Episode Three is the second episode.
  • Episode Four is not actually an episode, but a 24 minute long monologue extolling the virtues of rape
  • Episode Five is also the second episode.
  • Episode Six is actually episode 3+5i.
  • Episode Seven is actually equal to pi times the radius squared, where r is the number of the previous episode just watched.
  • Episode Eight consist of eight episodes, but was considered one episode with eight episode on it!
  • Episode Nine was lucky enough not to become an episode.
  • Episode Ten was brutal to watch!
  • Episode Eleven was a pokemon movie.
  • Episode Twelve was also Episode Four, but better.
  • Episode Thirteen was invisible.
  • Episode Fourteen was Episode Two
  • Episode Fifteen is a lie.
  • Episode Sixteen was shot by Dick Cheney.
  • The second last episode was supposed to be where Haruhi and Kyon are having sex but the documentary about longcat was shown instead.
  • The last episode proves that the show never really happened. Fanboys around the world committed suicide. News outlets like CNN called it "the bestest day ever".
  • Episode Infinity is an endless replay of all previous episodes in random order.

The more recent analysis however suggested that there were actually only eight episodes available (not including the Endless Eight). The episode order is as follows:

  • Episode One is actually Episode Five
  • Episode Two is actually Episode Seven
  • Episode Three is actually Episode Six
  • Episode Four is actually Episode Eight
  • Episode Five is actually Episode Two
  • Episode Six is actually Episode Four
  • Episode Seven is actually Episode Three
  • Episode Eight is actually Episode One

The Wasted Endless Eight

This is about the Episode Eight where it consisted of eight episodes, but was considered one episode with eight episode on it. Eight episodes were wasted just like that to make way for repetitive pointless craps which makes the Episode Eight got the "Pointless Eight" moniker too. During the 15,532 loops of events, Haruhi and Kyon were having sex 65,536 times but none of the sex scenes managed to get into the camera because the time recurrence occured before the camera managed to capture any sex footage. The only clue to this is the occasional voice of Haruhi moaning in the show.


Apparently, Peach and Zelda have come to be true blue fans of this show.‎

See Also

This article is part of the Wonderful Japan series
Culture: Anime | Bushido | Engrish | Manga | Geisha | Battle Royale | Cosplay | Samurai | Japanese High Schools | Japan Self-Defense Forces | Azumanga Daioh | Ninja Gaijin | No Gaijin Allowed | Axis Powers Hetalia | The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya | Domo-kun | PlayStation Portable | Nintendo Eightfold Path | Wii | Mario | Pikachu | Death Note | Sushi | Yaoi or Mangay | Hello Kitty | Doraemon | Naruto

Companies: Toyota | Nintendo | Honda | Mazda | Mainichi Shimbun | Mitsubishi

People: Otaku | Chikan | Japanese | Godzilla | Junichiro Koizumi | Hayao Miyazaki | Yoshiro Mori | Shinzo Abe | Shigeru Miyamoto | Sadaharu Oh | Hikaru Utada

Places: Japan | Tokyo | Kyoto | Osaka | Kobe | Hiroshima | Nagasaki | Okinawa | Naha

Organizations CLAMP | CLAMP school

This article uses material from the "Haruhi Suzumiya" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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