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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Heinrich Himmler.
“Aye..I've always said Himmler revolutionised cross-dressing..a great inspiration for myself.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Heinrich Himmler
Himmler relaxing in his favourite Gothic Lolita uniform

Heinrich Himmler was, depending on who you ask, a great man with a progressive social cause, or a villain on par with George Bush. Both sides agree, however, on the fact that he knew how to make a great beef stroganoff. Like Lance Armstrong, Himmler only had one testicle.

He has a moustache.

Contents

History

Heinrich Himmler (Hitler's bitch) was born in Austria in 1900 to a carnie and a prostitute. He was recognized as a gifted boy, and one day Adolf Hitler came to apprentice him along Joseph Goebbels in the exciting career as a genocidal dictator. This involved shouting Yah! (yes!) every time Adolf said absolutely anything at all. Joey and Heiny once overstepped the mark by shouting Yah! after Adolf complained about an itchy rash on his penis.

Himmler, however, soon grew disillusioned with Hitler's tutelage. As he cited in his autobiography, So I Married a Jew Gasser, Himmler states that "Hitler would never let me pull the lever. Sure, I could usher those condemned guys into the shower, but apparently the job of pulling the lever and releasing all the gas was too important for me. Furthermore, he never let me watch TV after 8 PM, and he was always bringing new boyfriends home."

Himmler rebelled against Hitler's teaching and instead went to work with Harriet Tubman on the Underground Railroad, which had just opened up a branch in Germany.

Himmler took it upon himself to hide Jews in his factory in eastern France, and this became the basis for the summer blockbuster Himmler's List, which chronicled one by one all the important Jews he saved.

Ironically, just like Jesus, they do not credit him with saving them, either.

Heinrich Himmler was killed on March 4, 1980 in a tragic atomic fisting accident. His funeral was unremarkable and brief, attended by Billy Crystal and Woody Allen, and was promptly interrupted with drunken rants by Mel Gibson.

After Heinrich was killed he came back to life and created the television network G4, and later roamed the Earth as an Albanian monk, searching for the philosopher Plato, in order to take revenge for the murder of his wife and child when he was known as Troy.

Reinvention as Patrick McGuinness

After becoming frustrated with his attempts at world domination as an Albanian monk, Himmler decided to become Patrick McGuinness the notoriously unfunny comedian from Bolton whose best friend is roly-poly petrol pump attendant Peter Kay.

McGuinness has made a living arse licking fat petrol pump attendants from Bolton, eating and talking about Greggs pasties and writing press releases for his dad's brother Martin who is the MP for Mid-Ulster.

Many critics have noted that Himmler made funnier jokes when he was sending Jews for a shower than he does as Patrick "Ding Dang Doo - look at me cock girls" McGuinness.

Himmler/McGuinness has recently had to make a three figure donation to the Simon Wiesenthal Jewish Club after close friend Ken Barlow was found to have computer footage of McGuinness/Himmler apparently being persuaded by pie-eating Peter Kay to put Jews in the pasties at Greggs.

Quotations

His Spider sense tingled.”
~ Winston Churchill on Heinrich Himmler

See also


This article uses material from the "Heinrich Himmler" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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