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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Sometimes the foundations are so rotten and bad that the only good and constructive action is demolishing everything and starting from scratch. In other words, rewrite this article. It's in such a bad state that you may ignore all of its current contents if you like.

But be a bitch! DO IT!!!

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Hulk Hogan.
Hogan, before the accident
“What-cha gonna do when Oscar goes Wilde on you?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Hulk Hogan
“I want you Hulk Cogan to take your ship into a nose dive Hulk Cogan. I wanna watch the planets, the stars and the grim light align, and who will survive!?!.”
~ Ultimate Warrior on ... well we don't know what exactly this quote was supposed to be on.
“This isn't an article as much as a guide to living your life, BROTHA”
~ Hulk Hogan on this article
Hogan talks about his arms as being "24 inch Pythons", which is literally true, but only in a metaphoric sence.”
~ Lord Alfred Hays
“I'm Gonna Gitcha Nigga”
~ Booker T on on his promo he cut challenging Hogan

Terry "Hulk-Hollywood-Retire-Already-Damn-It" Hogan, more known as the Hulkster, or Spotlight Hogster; he made history defeating The Earth's Main God at the WWF PPV, "Up Your Ass" - Fighting On The Clouds of Sky after he ate all of his vitamins, said his prayers, and injected steroids directly into the eye of his dick.

Hogan loves his pasta!


Hulkamania, Where It All Began

One time when Hogan was deployed into Iraq. He came under fire by the oppositions Tank that proceeded to shoot the Hogster right in the testicles. Any normal human being would have sufficed, but Hogan from taking so many steroids, felt no pain, and instead rose to one knee, started shaking his head around like a madman, and rising to his feet while jerking off furiously. Hogan stood up and looked the tank down the barrel and said, "Thank you, sir. May I have another" - the tank then fired again, which bounced off Hogans chest, the tank backed up, then fired again, and again, still the Hulkster refused to sell. On the 4th fire, Hogans eyes just widened up, and he bagun pointing at the tank and shaking his finger around. When the tank went to fire one more time, hogan raised his arm and blocked the tanks gun fire, and began a series of over head punches until Hogan then picked up the tank and body slammed it. Hogan then posing to the crowed that had gathered, holding his hand cupped up to his ear as the fans cheered, then hogan clapped a few times, and proceeded to land an atomic leg drop on the tank, pinned it for a 3 count, and spent the next 3 hours flexing his muscles for the crowed. Open his return home to the United States of America, Hogan said in a press conference, "I did it for all you Hulkamaniacs out there, Brotha. If you just take your vitamins, say your prays, and do steroids, you too can be immortal, Brotha" Hogan then again spent 3 hours flexing for those in attendance.

Wrestling Career


A man of Hogans super human sized and strength caused as a result to over use of steroids could only lead Hogan to one possible career. But unfortunately the Olympic games had just finished, so Hogan went to the next best thing, Wrestling. Vince McMahon was eager to bring in Hogan, because if Hogan would pick up a tank and bodyslam it, then someone who could do that could easily pick up the 9'4 Andre The Giant and carry him to bed when he would get drunk, make an asshole out of himself by beating up his wife, then pass out cold there in the gay bar that the WWF scouted a lot of there talent from. Hogan was employed to Andre's pick up boy, and also started to Wrestle for the company.

Hogan and Andre become good bum-chums, and would do everything together. Hogan & Andre where the biggest names the wrestling world had to offer. They seemed inseparable, until one day Andre woke up with a stiff neck in the foyer of the Hilton hotel and blamed Hogan for the stiffness by not picking him up and carrying to him room. Andre openly challenged Hogan on TV to a match at Wrestlfakia. Hogan did not want to take on his friend, but Andre started tearing off Hogan's cloths and poking him in the chest, it was the poking that Hogan couldn't take anymore, as no one could understand what the hell Andre was muttering out, he sounded like a retard trying to speak with a mouth full of Saltine crackers.

The match was booked, and history was about to be made: Both Andre and Hulk where to be the main event showcase. When they match went underway, Andre proceeded to try and choke the life out of Hogan for 10 minutes, the crowed was falling asleep, and Andre was getting a little heavy eyed, too. Hogan used that time to give Andre a nasty Chinese burn and escape the choke, Andre then raised his arm and let it crash down on Hogans head, a move that would knock any normal man out. But it only knocked Hogan down to one knee. Andre delivered another blow, but Hogan started to get that look in his eyes, the steroids where starting to kick in, and after Andre's 3rd blow, Hogan was back on his feet and masturbating, Andre tried several times to make Hogan stop, but then Hogans eyes grew wide, he pointed at Andre, blocked the next punch, then whipped Andre into the ropes, where Andre bounced back and Hogan lifted his leg up to let go a devastating rip roaring fart that Andre could not prevent running into. The smell was making Andre rock around and stumble on his feet. Hogan then signaled to the crowed he was going to slam Andre. Something that had not been done since Andre's previous match the week before. Hogan proceeded to successfully body slam Andre, then Hogan ran into the rope, ran back to Andre and farted as hard as he could that propelled to lift Hogan 15 feet off the ground, then when Hogans ass ran out of gas, he came crashing back down on Andre with a leg drop, pinned him and won the match for the WWF Championship that Hogan would hold onto for a record 345 years, as he would only ever defend once a year.

Hogan had his next match one year later at Wrestlefakia 2 against Mr.T, Colonel Clink & Hawkeye in a jelly wrestling match that Hogan won by the enhancement of constant steroids. Hogan also had big feuds with King Kong, Godzilla and a copyright infringement match against David Bana/The Hulk which Hogan won by disqualification from the interference of a stampede of elephants that escaped from the zoo, and Hogan couldn't resist the urge to catch them all and body slam them.

The MegaSteriodiacs

Hogan was teamed up with another wrestler called, "The Nacho Man Fred Savage" who made a move into pro wrestling after his long year stint on the TV show The Wonder Years, and found himself to be one of those childhood actors no one wants to watch anymore when they reach puberty. Savage and Hogan combined as what is remembered today as one of the all time great tag teams that never won any title's. The MegaSteriiodiacs become a very popular tag team, in the 2 times they where seen together. However the tag team ran into trouble when Savage thought Hogan was hitting on his bitch, Queen Elizabeth, when in fact what was happening was Hogan was teaching Liz how to suck dick better to please Savage.

The two ended up going at it at the next Wrestlefakia, where Hogan fueled up on more steroids then ever, and overcome the challenge. Hogan's reputation was building up that there was no one on the planet that could kick his ass, and that's when Vince discovered a man from farts unknown named The Ultimate Gaylord who was discovered at a gay gym Vince was attending to and the Gaylord offered to suck Vince's dick for his steroid addiction. Vince knew this would be a good opponent for Hogan. And at the following Wrestlefakia, the two steroid abusing muscle men met face to face for the first time. The match is synonymous with history, as never before had a crowed been bored to death as much as these two cutting promos that made peoples heads cave in, and a stand off that lasted 34 minutes as Hogan and Gaylord flexed there muscles, and compared dick sizes. Gaylord won when his 2.4 inch penile length out did Hogans by a good center meter. This was the first loss Hogan had ever had in his career, and it looked like Hulkamania was over.

Hogan tried to hang on to the glory for the next few years, and was back as the WWF's #1 Steroid Enhanced Champion, now that The Ultimate Warrior had left due to exploding on an over injected amount of steroids to his left nipple. But Hogan was becoming a bore in the fans eyes, and they where sick of him doing the same friggen thing every time he went out to the ring. which consists of, Come out, Get Beat Up for 2 Minutes, Hulk Up, Point, Throw Them In The Ropes, Fart In There Face, Body Slam Them, use the rest of the fart for elevation and leg drop them on the way down, then celebrate and flex for 4 hours.

Soon enough Hulk had left the company feeling the fans had turned there back on him, and Hogan wanted retire from wrestling, and go to Africa to body slam as many a big wildlife creatures as he could.


Hogan found himself being asked to join the WCW because they where buying up all the useless old talent the WWF was done with. Hogan came out of retirement and fans where happy to see him again, but after seeing 2 matches of Hogan doing the same old crap again, they grew tired of it and where more interested in re-runs of My Little Pony. Hogan decided maybe he needed to change his gimmick, and soon enough he was plotting to turn heel with a cunning plan to disguise the fact he couldn't wrestle anymore, but sport a cool new beard and black tights and changing his name to Frankie Hollywood Hogan, Hogan just needed to recruit some members to take over the world and dominate everything and everything, not just younger wrestlers he wouldn't let get over.


Main article: nWo
Hulk Hogan's nWo look
Hogan brainwashed Hall and Nash. With a combination of training, vitamins, roids, getting drunk, roids, getting laid, some more roids and Mad Dog 20/20, Hall and Nash converted to Hogans plan to take over WCW with the nWo. They soon took over WCW. Eventually, their Sphere of Influence expanded and encompassed the United States and Canada. Premiere Hogan immediately legalized the use of steroids, and forced the FDA to approve over-the-counter sales of anabolic steroids. Premiere Hogan stated, "The use of anabolic steroids is beneficial to the human race, brothers. According to our studies, anabolic steroids increases growth by 150%, at the cost of 200% shrinkage in the testes, some premature ejalculation, as well as swelling in the brain, brother. Thanks to Ultimate Warrior, R.I.P., volunteering for our study, we now have the ULTIMATE formula for creating a safer form of steroid, dude. We no longer have to worry about uncalled for ejalculation. We must now focus on how to circumvent the steroid from affecting the human brain and testicles. Whatcha gonna do?! Besides, who needs those anyways?"

Hogan's nWo now numbers in the trillions. Many under the influence of steroids. Premiere Hogan has recently signed a bill to increase steroid distribution by a billion fold.

Premiere Hogan and the nWo conquered the planet Vulcan in 1939 and ran wild.

At the Battle of Anaheim in 56BC, the Legion of Doom, Demolition, the 7th Calvary, the 300, the Spanish Armada, the Secret Six, Rikishi's carnivorous crack, and Andre the Giant's morning breath stopped the nWo's peaceful takeover of Brokeback Mountain.

The International House of Pancakes impeached Premiere Hogan due to inappropriate conduct in the Oval Office. White House camera's captured Hogan conducting sexual acts upon Bill Brasky.

The Big finger in the ass brother

Aside from hulking up, Hogan also makes use of a deadly martial arts combination allegedly taught to him by cookie cutter mcgee, in the bathroom in david haslehuffs house.

The attack begins when the victim is running towards the user. The user then lifts his finger so that it is level with the victim's asshole. Obviously, the sheer impact of the victim slow-jogging towards the user's outstretched ass causes said victim to violently shake like a wild dog getting fucked by a horse with a HUGE dick.

In some street fighting situations however, the victim is not running towards the user with the finger prepared. Hogan realized that he could work around this by using a ring-around-the-rosie move to send the victim running towards the playground; inevitably causing them to run back into his finger. When in situations with no playgrounds, Hogan often body-slams his opponent- this was seen when he defeated scooby doo(whom later got revenge on Hogan), and later when he wrestled the 350 ton Andre the black.

Once having them on the floor, the user proceeds to execute the big fingerinto the opponents ass.


Hogan after taking too many steroids

Wrestlemania I

Hogan's sucess begun at Wrestlemania I, where he defeated Snickamaniac in a matter of 3 hours.

Wrestlemania 2

Hulk Hogan then won his first world title at Wrestlemania II, where he defeated Straightamaniac by feeding him with pasta to win the G Division Title.

Wrestlemania III

At this point, Hogan challenged Giantamaniac To a Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Hogan and Andre fought until they had 999% damage, and they won't give up. Hogan smashed his Wiinamote on Andre's head, grabbed Andre's Wiinamote and

Wrestlemania IV

Wrestlemania IV was a big box-office flop as it detailed a freestyle rap tournament culminating to a match between Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage. It must be noted, however, that both Eminem and John Cena were utterly destroyed in the crossfire.

Wrestlemania V

This film, based on a true story; starred Al Pacino as Hulk Hogan running around Downtown Miami, selling drungs, pumping roids and spouting out lame one liners. The decision to cast Al Pacino made this one of the biggest blockbusters of all time. In later years it was renamed Scarface, attracting drug fantasized idiots who think its cool to be bad, and somehow considered good.

Wrestlemania VI

Hulk Hogan slaps the man that was meant to overthrow him; Vladimir Lenin to death. The entire crowd at the Toronto Dome was splattered with blood. Ultimate Warrior made a surprise apearance and pulled a double sided knife on Vladimir Lenin's dead body and stabbed himself 12 times in the process.

Wrestlemania VII

Hulk Hogan is betrayed by the U.S. Army; and promptly defeats them in this classic comedy. The final scene confused people as to whether the movie was real or not, because it was a real-life unplanned scene of Hulk Hogan doing the big boot leg drop combination on Ronald Reagan in the oval office and defeated the Russians with the Star Wars Defense System Brother.

Wrestlemania VIII

In a follow-up to the previous year's film, Hulk Hogan faced off against the stable "The Supreme Court Justices" in a 30 foot high steel cage. The fight was labelled as "unfair" to the justices. They had shot with mule tranquillizers and air-dropped via helicopter into the cage where they awoke to a beating by Hogan. There was a silver lining; as sooner or later everyone awakens to a beating by Hogan at least these men and women knew their time had come and gone. No more waking up in the middle of the night frightened when you hear a door slam. It's not Hulk Hogan, not anymore. At least not for these nine. Oh god.

Wrestlemania IX

This book on tape retells the true story of how Mt. Fuji in Japan had become the subject of a severe sumo wrestler infestation. After several regular exterminators failed at the task, Hogan was sent in to toss the wrestlers into the boiling magma of Mt. Fuji's volcanic crater, which he did effortlessly from the base of the mountain.

Wrestlemania X

Because the previous year's book on tape did not sell well, Hogan re-enacted his heroic feat using real Sumo Wrestlers and an actual active volcano (though the snow was admittedly fake).

Wrestlemania XI

This obscure black and white film saw Hulk Hogan repeatedly leg-dropping Biggie Smalls in slow motion. It became an instant cult classic. Many believe it was the trauma of the aftermath of the punishment which killed Smalls, and not a gunshot as is widely believed.

Wrestlemania XII

Shawn Michaels wanted to take Hogan's place as emperor of Outworld, but before he could challenge the latter to Mortal Kombat; Hogan kicked Michaels through a solid titanium wall. The captured footage was released as this mildly successful film.

Wrestlemania 13

In a blast from the past, Hogan was assaulted by the Undertaker of the wild west town the cowboys, which he had defeated in the first Wrestlemania, were from. Apparently this undertaker was disgruntled as he had been given so much work. The Undertaker was not able to withstand being slammed from the terrace of a nine story building and through 18 wooden tables.

Wrestlemania XIV

Hulk Hogan faced his toughest challenge yet, as he was challenged by Stone Cold Steve Austin to a street fight. Though Austin had carefully studied Hogan for the previous 20 years, he was caught off guard by the Hulking Up, Big Boot and Leg Drop combination.

Wrestlemania XV

Hulk Hogan faced a returning Austin. This time Austin was assisted by The Rock. Both of these jabronies received a swift cross-kick by Hogan which sent them flying through the air; landing somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.

Wrestlemania 2000

In this movie instalment in the popular series, Hulk Hogan combats the Y2K Virus by leg dropping several computers and computer users.

Wrestlemania XVII

In almost a retake of 'mania XV, this time an (at the time) evil Hogan launched the Austin-Rock team out of a cannon; landing them somewhere in Africa, where they were quickly sainsbury's consumed by gorillas on PCP.

Wrestlemania XVIII

By this time The Rock had saved the Earth from an invasion, so this fight between him and Hogan had people split considering who to root for. Austin was nowhere to be seen but was reportedly hit with the Rock as the latter fell from the sky after having been uppercut by Hogan. This was a move Hogan had then recently been taught by his longtime friend Scorpion.

Wrestlemania XIX

This movie documented Hogan's rise to ownership of the World Wrestling Entertainment Corporation, after challenging and beating Vince McMahon to the death. The fight was notable in that the referee was Jabberjaw, a large shit-talking shark that was being laid by Brooke Hogan.

Hogan caught in the middle of mastubating with the nWo, AWWWW BROTHER! GET READY FOR A FACIAL, SCOTT NORTON!! (Hmmmm, so THAT explains why he was in the nWo...

Wrestlemania XX

With a returning Shawn Michaels, who had finally recovered from the back injuries he sustained in being punched through a titanium wall teaming up with an also recovered Undertaker, as well as a attempted murder on the life of Michaels by Chris Benoit; Hogan was in trouble. Or he would have been if he hadn't punched both of them through an even thicker titanium wall, causing them to fall through several burning wooden tables. brother!

Wrestlemania XXI

Hogan took out Osama Bin Laden after beating Muhammad Ali in a foot race for the terrorist. Incidentally, he also karate chopped a retard named Eugene. Hogan sent an apology to the funeral.

Wrestlemania XXII

Hogan body slammed the Juggernaut through the mat, ending the eternal debate, "Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?"

Wrestlemania XXIII

This was the first ever wrestlemania where Hogan wasn't arrested for Banging guys in the shower. It was Hogan vs The Terminator & Mr. T. but The Terminator couldn't come because he got pulled over with a DUI earlier that night, so Hogan fought Mr. T. At the end of the match, The Hulkster pulled out a 9mm and shot Mr. T.'s shiny ass 45 times. Then Hall and Nash Came out to Spray-paint n.W.o on him, so they received bullets to the testicles for their trouble. Mr. T. was then set on fire by Hogan. After the Funeral for Mr. T, Stone Cold Steve Austin pissed on his grave and dug up Mr. T's corpse, he then proceeded to rape the dead body, being sure to pack a mud-hole up Mr. T's ass, and then buried Mr. T's body again. Then the n.W.o came back to re-unite and celebrate, and are currently the WWE Gay Champs along with "H-B-Gay" Shawn Michaels. Hulk Hogan killed many Nazis later and found and destroyed The Terminator with Adolf Hitler's Luger Pistol.

..He made the music that made people rape common house plants....."

WrestleMania XXIV

Wrestlemania 24 was a good and bad Wrestlemania for the gay Hukster. First thing, Hogan came out to the world by banging H-B-Gay in the ring. It was a bum rape match. But in the middle of the match KKK ( also know as HHH) came out and accidentally cum'd in H-B-Gays eyes forcing him to get raped even harder in the bum. shortly after Hogan finished both of them, he left the arena and was immediately arrested for possession of marijuana, cocaine, heroin, and steroids which were all hidden up his wrinkled ass.

Wrestlemania XXV

Vince "Mac Daddy" McMahon is losing business and sperm and Hulk was out of steroid money, so rumour has it that Vince called Hogan over an proposed a match after he violated him repeatedly. Hulk Hogan is either going to battle John Cena or Randy Savage at a Hulky's fart match. The loudest fart wins. A new match is also rumoured. A tooth vs life match which will pit the Hulkster against Chris Benoit. If Benoit looses the match, Hulk can extract one tooth from Benoit. If Hulk looses the match, Chris Benoit can kill Hulk Hogan. But What happens if Chris Benoit is dead already who will Hulk face??? FIND OUT AT WWE.COM!

The Hulksters Bros. n Hoes

The Hulk also know as the Bulk for a brief period in the 80's for taking steroids formed many friends and has a amazing social life for a person from the Ghetto.

  • The Cock also knows as the Rock
  • Mick 'needs' Funk also know as Mick Foley
  • He used to be good friends with RKO Randy Scrotum
  • Underfaker
  • Trish Stripit
  • Vince McMad

Summerslam '06

Hogan impersonator with Orton

It was the Hulkster versus the rootin' tootin' legend killer, Randy Orton, himself brother. Randy Orton nailed the RKO on the Hulkster, but his friend Tetsuo lifted the Hulkster's leg and put it on the ropes brother. The ref saw it and he gave the Hulkster another chance. The Hulkster tapped into the gem of Cyttorak at that time brother and Hulkamania ran wild on the Legend Killer dude. He picked him up like Andre the Giant at the Pontiac Silverdome and he body slammed him into the mat and got him for the one-two-three. Hulkamania lives on brother. Backstage a member of the bloods shot hogan in the crotch and spit in his face. Bullets have no effect on Hulk Hogan, however, so Hogan ran wild on every single blood in the universe.

The Immortal Hulk Hogan

After drawing energy from Hulkamania, Hulk Hogan showed he was capable of living forever. The fact Hogan is still alive when every other wrestler his age should be dead has convinced non believers. The only other exception is Father Time himself Ric Flair.

It is said that rock band, Adema got inspiration to write their famous song "Immortal" from Hulk Hogan's inability to die no matter the situation. One lyric that clearly describes Hogan in the song is "You can't kill me I'm Immortal!"

Even though, he can only perform one move. Which is a pretty crappy leg drop.

Hogan Knows Best

Needing money so his wife can buy even larger tits, Hogan pimped his children out on VH1...we mean "pimped" out in the figurative sense, other then the time when he literally pimped out Nick's sweet ass to Brian Nobbes the "nasty boy". The show was charcterized by the Brady Bunch like sexual tension between Brooke and Nick, also when Hogan killed the pets and then raped their sweet, sweet animal corpses. The show has so far, been a flop. Hogan doesn't care, and continues to rape those corpses, even after the decomposition took over. Hogan continued to pimp out his kids as well, even during Nick's car accident.

Finally, Linda had enough and left him.


Guinness has recently awarded Hogan Knows Best as the best show in history, stating "If we didn't do this, we'd be on the receiving end of an Atomic Leg Drop...and we all know how that ends." Hogan states that he had nothing to do with this and that "All the Hulkamaniacs around the world know the truth!"

The End of the Legend?

In 2006, not long after his epic battle with Voltron, Hogan was diagnosed with Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis which he had received from the ghost of Andre The Giant. Andre said he was sorry, but it was far too late. Shortly after Wrestlemania XXII, Hogan finally succumbed to the terrible illness that had plagued him all his life; greatly reducing his strength. The world's greatest hero died on January 28 2007.

Hulk Hogan is survived by his sons, Black Hogan and James Hogan. Muhammad Ali was ready to have attempted traveling back in time to save Hogan's life, but stopped to remember the Hulkster's word's of wisdom.

“Time traveling to save one's life may make one happy in the end, but you should never forget that the people from that timeline will die off. The murder of millions for the life of one? Cough cough, Brookes a slut, cough, cough. No way, brother.”
~ Hulk Hogan on time travel


Zombie Hogan, after legdropping every demon in hell, decided he was too badass for hell and tunneled out through the Marinara Trench in Italy, brother. He has come to devour the souls of virgins and club seals. As of 2007 he is threatening to reactivate WCW and eat Cracker Jack's face.

See also

Quotable Quotes

  • "Brother!"
  • "Dude!"
  • "Brother dude!"
  • "Whatcha gonna do, when Hulk Hogan, God, Jesus and the United States Marine Corp runs wild on you! WHATCHA GONNA DO?!"
  • "Hey brother, can you stick this shot of 'roids in my ass, brother?"
  • "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!"
  • "The fans can stick it!"
  • "Fuck the Ultimate Warrior."
  • "When I picked up the seven-hundred pound, nine foot tall Andre The Giant, the world stood in awe, brother!"
  • "Flavor of the month!"
  • "YOU!!"
  • "I need a hip replacement."
  • "When I picked up the half ton, twelve foot tall Andre The Giant, the earth shook, brother!"
  • "After the Ultimate Warrior won the WWF title, everyone in the building watched me leave instead of him celebrate. Now gimme the fuckin' belt back! (after I make my movie)"
  • "What? I put Kidman over."
  • HULKABRAINIA is not my thang, brother
  • "I'm high brother!
  • "Theres no hulkamaniacs here, where am I, I've never been here before?
  • "Aghh, it's not hot"
  • "Brother i like to put sun tan oil all over my own daughters ass brother."
  • "I'm gonna crush butt!"
  • "Im gonna Fuck You... up?"

Unqoutable Quotes

  • Pfft narr errr ffft ftt ftt ftt
  • sniffffffffffffffffff
  • plurrrrrrp
  • mmmmmmmmmm
  • arghhhhhhh

External links

This article uses material from the "Hulk Hogan" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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