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Always shake your babies before shoving them back in your vagina.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Baby.
“What's the difference between babies and cabbage? I DON'T EAT CABBAGE!”
“Stop Squirming!.”
~ A sick fuck on babies
“ How do you shut this piece of shit off?!”

Babies (also known as behbehs in some areas of Boston or as baybuhs in some areas where people make fun of Boston) are parasites that attack the belly of a female. The first baby was invented in an Iowa after-school enrichment program by a severely left-handed eleven year old named Bryson. The original plans for the first baby were never discovered, although common knowledge says love with a lady causes the creation of another baby. Nowadays, many people make a living from creating babies, such as soul musicians. This profession is know as JOHN AND KATE PLUS EIGHT, which, unlike the origin of the name, is not known. Students are aware that Angus Rush is in fact not created the normal way, but through two very stoned men.


Where Do They Come From?

To remove baby punch downward on belly

First, Mr Noble is a fuckin player! But he forgot how to get women. So he payed a five dollar whore to fuck him good and hard. In return he would let suck his juicy cock all night. He "forgot" (ahem hem hem) to wear protection, so nine months later, he gave birth to you fuck-head. he donated you to a Save The Crocodiles And Eat The Babies Foundation or STCAETBF(click here to find out more) and now look what happened! You are still alive! Damn baby eating corporations can't kill anyone anymore!

Many people don't know this but babies first started the Nazi cults due to their anger about being used as condiments on tacos and being ground into a fine dust and and sprinkled on many different types of broccoli and toothpaste flavored denture adherent. Babies have recently been utilized as the new rubber in tires as when they are finely ground and melted they turn into a thick and goopy mess great for tire manufacturing. Babies where also the first cannibals, having been introduced by Mel Gibson during the making of the "Passion of the Christ" when he starved many babies and made them eat Jesus's body as a symbol of his sanity, and ever since they just can't get enough of that humany goodness. Oh and on an unrelated note Mel Gibson never was a baby... He was just molded by Mormons out of sheep feces and used gummy bears.

There are special types of babies know as Projectile Babies. A Projectile Baby is a baby that comes out of the Vagina SO fast that it hits the doctor square in the face, sometimes with enough force to project them through the wall into the next room if the mother cramps up and shits herself at the moment of delivery.

And for my Spanish Amigos:

Muchas personas no saben esto, pero los bebés comenzó nazi cultos debido a su ira sobre el que se utiliza como condimento en los tacos y la tierra en un polvo fino y salpicado de muchos y diferentes tipos de brócoli y la pasta de dientes con sabor dentadura adherente. Los bebés han sido utilizados como en las nuevas llantas de goma que cuando se derrita finamente molido y que se conviertan en un espeso y goopy gran lío para la fabricación de neumáticos. Los bebés que también el primer caníbales, después de haber sido introducido por Mel Gibson durante la realización de la "Pasión de Cristo", cuando muchos niños de hambre y les hizo comer el cuerpo de Jesús como símbolo de su cordura, y desde entonces simplemente no puede tener suficiente de que humany bondad. Ah y no vinculados en una nota Mel Gibson nunca fue un bebé ... Fue simplemente moldeados por mormones en el excremento del ganado ovino y utilizado gomas osos.

The Problem With Babies

It has been proven many times that babies lead to psychotic dictatorships, mass murders and centralized government propaganda.

Hitler was a baby, so therefore babies are bad. Not true!

That said, Rosie O'Donnel was a baby, too. Just not a cute one.

Babies always get away with their crimes. Criminologists have observed that in every single case of paedophilia either a baby or child is involved. Despite this fact, no baby has ever been charged with this or any other offence.


“I am pregnant, and damn proud of it....take THAT society!”
~ That Pregnant Guy From China....Hwang Ho or something....
“I was pregnant once, or twice... I'm not really sure. I think I lost some of them.”

Pregnancy is a process in which a woman becomes twice the size she is normally, usually associated with carrying the baby in her right ventricle. If she becomes twice the size after getting married, quitting her job and becoming a ‘homemaker’, it is commonly suggested she is not pregnant, but the ‘father’ has merely been taken for a sucker. Normal pregnancy takes place over a period of nine months, and are split in to three trimesters.

This is a sonogram of a real birth in the first trimester.

The First Trimester (the ‘How the hell could this happen?’ stage)

It is normal not to have told close relatives and friends about the pregnancy at this point, as society requires you to still be incredibly embarrassed. The woman can get a little tetchy at this point, but this can be perceived to be quite endearing. Intercourse at this stage is fine, but usually avoided, as both parties are still a little concerned another catastrophic event will may come of it. Also everyone's stomach burns severely from lack of sex.

The Second Trimester (the ‘Shit – she’s huge!’ stage)

In this stage – the baby bump begins to show. It is normal for the father to continually doubt his actions (and occasionally the paternity) in this stage, as the mother’s mood swings are uncontrollable. Intercourse at this stage is highly encouraged, as the unborn baby fights the sperm in a ‘Bride vs. the Crazy 88’ type scenario. This is very good for the baby’s health after birth.

The Third Trimester (the ‘Why the f**k won’t it come out?’ stage)

At this point, frustration rules over both mother and father, as they are fed up of the whole pregnancy, and incessant fussing of strangers. Intercourse at this stage is not recommended, as the challenge of the sperm is not sufficient for the much bigger baby, and it will attempt to attack the penis, occasionally resulting in complete loss of the glans. Men may be turned on by the mother's large, sexy, bloated uterus, swollen, sore breasts and gargantuan, rippling buttocks... but they probably won't be. Pregnant women are fat.


They're against you from day 1.
“When this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit.”
~ Dr. Emmett Lathrop Brown on this baby

When the baby is perceived to be mature, it will aim to move into the outside through the vagina. This is not favourably viewed upon by the mother, but is the only revenge the father will get for the way that she has behaved over the past nine months. The mother farts the baby down from the stomach into the vagina whilst the father laughs. The doctor pulls it out and puts it on to the mother’s stomach. This is ironic, because if the father had done something similar nine months earlier, nobody would have got into this mess. Intercourse is certainly not advised at this stage.

After the trauma of birth, things are made considerably worse for the parents as they have to look after the baby. It is completely incapable of performing activities of daily living for itself. It is also too young to qualify for state benefits, and so the burden of responsibility falls on the exhausted mother and irritated father.

After birth is the best time to harness a baby's energy. Babies' blood is the #2 source of fuel and energy. The #1 source is Disney magic. Currently babies' blood is used to power most calculators. Scientologists are experimenting with this new fuel as we speak.

Babies have been found to be no match to the Jedi powers!

Some babies don't quite make it through the development process correctly. These babies are too ugly to be loved, and have to be either chopped into recyclable pieces for making new babies, or are compacted into paper

Note that childbirth is a particularly disgusting process and should not be viewed by anyone.


No... feeding the baby...
“Get In My BELLY!!!”
~ Fat Bastard on Babies

Babies require feeding everyday. They will generally only accept milk (which this writer believes is a little fussy for something that can't provide it's own food). This can often come from the mother’s breast, although this issue can cause controversy. One young mother was arrested on the Main St of a small town in the South for breast feeding, as it was thought she was performing a despicable act of child molestation. She was later burned as a witch.

Many deaths have resulted from feeding babies the wrong foods, such as Pop Tarts, sherbert and wood. It is advised that any changes in a babys' diet is passed by a doctor before implementing. This because they are nosy bastards, and could report you to the authorities.

New studies also show that nine out of ten babies prefer meth to milk. Our scientist say that it is clearly unknown why they take meth, but some people say "'Cause crack's a pussy drug."

Baby Language

Image:Diaper.jpg Image:27.jpg

Babies contact each other in little gurgles that only they understand. Most of them are early rants, cries, and world domination plans to defeat the rest of the human race. Encourage them, play with them. You used to speak it. Feel those evil and dark plans deep inside your hideous head? There they are.

It should also be noted that babies are not anywhere near as stupid as they look. The months of shitting their own pants, putting their dinner on their heads and babbling utter crap are merely a clever disguise so the government are unaware of their plans for world domination.

How To Potty Train Your Baby

Reading at a young age fosters intellectual growth.

To Potty Train Your Baby You First Need To Beat It With A Sack Of Oranges And Dunk Its Head In The Toilet. If That Doesn`t Work Spin It Around In An Office Chair 30 Times And Then Give It Peas And Do It Repeatedly. Another Thing You Can Do Is Put It In A Trash Bag And Swing It Around Until It Throws Up Then Once It Throws Up Take It Out Of The Trash Bag And Lock It In The Bathroom With The Lights Turned Off. If These 3 Things Dont Work Then I Dont Know Just Sell It I Guess.

List of baby words

  • Peekaboo!!! - Translation: The time of attack and bloodshed is near! (This usually makes them laugh with glee.)
  • Waaaaaah!! - Translation: Give me more food or I will so rip your head off lowly adult scum!(This of course makes the adult do whatever the baby wants)
  • DA-DA - Translation: I demand to speak with the Russian consulate at once!
  • googoo - Translation: (babies covert ops war cry) meaning indiscriminate slaughter among the giants!!!

--- extended "Goo-goo gah-gah": The vast resources necessary to effectively end the adult oppression are, unfortunately, overly difficult for our diminutive bodies (and poor channels of communication and co-ordination) to effectively and efficiently procure.

  • Gaa! - Translation: Full speed ahead Mr. Chehkov! Engage!
  • AAAH! - Translation: FUCK THIS, MR T FUCKING OWNS ME, I MEAN...I THOUGHT...fuck it.
  • FUCK OFF - Translation: This is extreme baby gibberish and thus cannot be translated. Probably says something like... i have to shi-- nevermind
  • WAAAH WAHH!BABY PHAROH WANT MILK FETCH ME A NIPPLE - Translation: I want milk for I am great.
  • Suck my dick nigga- translates into something like, the things it heard its dad say to its mom.

Magic Babies

In America, babies are magic and can appear and disappear many times while still in their mommy's womb.

  • If the woman wanted to get pregnant, it's a baby.
  • If the woman decides she ditching the guy and doesn't want his kid, it's a fetus.
  • If the woman remembers that the man has a great job and will have to pay child support(AlaKazaam!) it's a baby again.
  • If the woman sees that the guy quit his job so as to duck support, the baby can be a fetus again.
  • If the woman gets depressed and uses cocaine to cheer up, she can be prosecuted for harming (Voilia!) her baby! By American law, you can remove your fetus, but you cannot harm an unborn baby.
  • If the woman gets tired of all this baby disappearing and appearing crap, she can drive to an abortion clinic, and it's just a fetus again.
  • If she is hit by a drunk driver on the way to the abortion clinic, and the guy is a rich doctor, she can sue him for the loss of her (Presto!) magically re-appeared baby!

Babies are so magical that it is legally possible (only in America) that if the doctor who hit her was the abortionist, then the very man who was to remove the fetus can be sued for killing her unborn baby!


After a few months of breast-feeding, babies are transitioned to the bottle.

After roughly three years, babies go into a pupa phase similar to that of a Gremlin; after three more months of feeding on other people's blood, the baby hatches into a hideous, snot-nosed child.

Generally, children are naive little souls. This makes them incredibly easy to manipulate and lie to. This makes the perfect candidates to be used as tool for evil doings and unenjoyable day to day duties, such as the execution of prisoners (although this practice is very uncommon today, since this demonstrated to lead the baby to psychopathy).

Children enjoy playing games, it is through these games they are their most vulnerable. Even the most brutal tasks will be carried out, with little fuss and bother. It is said Gary Glitter was a master of this technique.

They can also be used as projectiles. This is handy for two reasons:

  1. You are in a midget throwing contest, yet you have no midget. Children are similar in size and properties, and thus hard to differentiate to judges if they happen to be blind in both eyes.
  2. Bear attack. Throw the child, and run. The bear will go for the easier target.

Babies as a Source of Nourishment

Most people do not realize that babies are a great source of nutrients. They are best eaten for breakfast, though they can also be eaten for any other meal of the day. In the famed scholarly work, "A Modest Proposal", it was suggested that baby flesh could reinvigorate Ireland's economy. Deep fried babies are especially delicious and popular in urban areas. In more weight conscious areas, people enjoy their babies on top of salads in small grilled slices or in wraps with sprouts. Vegetarians and vegans even enjoy the tender meat of a fresh baby (it's not killing if it doesn't have a soul to begin with). The best babies are harvested from wealthy families, seeing as they are more able to nourish them during their development. Malnourished babies, like those from 3rd world countries, can often have stringy, tough meat that is just unpleasant.

Known facts about babies

For couples that can't conceive, boxed babies are available from many high street stores.
“As for the complaints about baby shaking, I don't see the big deal. I mean, if you don't shake them, they don't bake uniformly.”
~ George Carlin on Babies
  • They're the worst possible consequense of sex (compared, even STDs are more attractive)
  • Never shake a baby. Nitroglycerin runs through their veins. You might get baby guts all over you, and possibly, a baby femur in the brain!
  • Babies are an easy way to paint a room, provided they are thrown hard enough. It is advisable not to feed them beans before this, unless you like your room painted a messy orange.
  • Babies also make a cheap roofing material, provided they are sliced thinly.
  • Babies don't come with a free Hershey bar when they are born, contrary to popular belief.
  • Babies lack the necessary motor skills to propel themselves via two legs, and therefore crawl or roll to get from place to place when unaccompanied by an avian delivery animal. In recent years jet propulsion has become a popular third option.
  • Although cries usually range between 190 and 300 decibels, cries of over 500 decibels have probably been recorded. If so, the general public will be in the dark about it for a while, as in extreme cases, the sound produced by a baby causes large amounts of internal hemmhoraging and harmonic resonance, responsible for failures in electronic equipment, including tape recorders. Michael Jackson's father soon picked up on the idea and founded a well-known and revered murder syndicate known as the Jackson Five.
  • The importance of the assembly you are attending is directly proportional to the amount a baby will scream and whine.
  • Baby flesh is said by many to taste like chicken, although, as a noted gourmand, Dr Spock himself often likened it to lightly poached quail in a subtle vinegar dressing. It has also been reported that babies taste delicious with chocolate and whipped cream.
  • Hillary Clinton is known to have a penchant for eating "baby burgers."
  • The lethal dosage of many narcotics in babies, such as cocaine, is unknown. Scientists are very eager to learn this information, and are always willing to accept your children as test subjects. Hey, if you're going to make an omelet, you've got to break some eggs... and kill some babies.
  • Babies can be used as armour or "meat shields" and could probably absorb the impact of most calibre bullets. However, when you are using this protective measure, it is wise to bring sanitary napkins.
  • When exposed to energy drink Powerthirst babies are shown to have the ability to run as fast as Kenyans. If the baby is a Kenyan, they temporarily metamorphosise into the Flash.
  • Babies are the only projectile that ninjas cannot dodge.

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This article uses material from the "Baby" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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