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"THINK OF THE CHILDREN; OR ELSE!!1"
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jack Thompson.
“I'd like him to "Fun Suck" me!!"”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jack Thompson

Jack "Fun Suck" Thompson (born as Bitch Fugger-Nugget on July 34, 1951) is first and foremost a total moose fucker who likes wanking Max hardcore's movies. He has been known to attend the Miami-Dade County Dominatrix convention where he was reported whipped in front of a crowd of OVER 9000 for being a stain on the planet earth and a general douchebag. He is also a pretend lawyer/activist/satanist/asshole, famed for being a joyless blowhard who blames all of the world's problems on radio, video games, and the price of tea in China. Strangely, he is ranked number fourteen out of thousands on Call of Duty 4, has highest killing score in GTA IV, and takes great pride in his pure evil character on Fallout 3. He actively campaigns against video game violence and the fact that nobody takes him seriously. He has no friends, has no grasp of logic and reality and as such is completely oblivious to what people in possession of more than five brain cells call factual information. This is why Jack wants to ban video games like Pokémon since he claims it promotes paganism and beastiality (which he strangely is a strong supporter of), and Grand Theft Auto (which isn't quite as bad as Pokémon). He is the second biggest douche in the universe, finishing second in a tough battle fought with Fred Phelps. Everyone hates Jack Thompson, including Jesus and his own mother, it is a given fact that 99.5% of humans and 97.8% of objects wish for God to smite Thompson. God could not be reached for comment, as his house is very high up.

Thompson will take emails like a man tries to take a cow a from a farmer with a gun aimed at his face. Only Thompson is the guy with the gun. When asked for a comment on this statement, Thompson replied by pointing a shotgun at the reporters face. It is unknown what happened after that event.

He has recently announced plans to ban the Internet because they say bad things about him on it. His 12 year old son was able to purchase and download porn to earn the slightest strand of sanity, and poor old Jack didn't like that. Al Gore could not be reached for comment.

He is also a freemason , the others are Hillary Clinton, Miley Cyrus, and of course Barney.

Contents

Biography

God does indeed talk to Jack.

Thompson was spawned on July 34, 1951 in a shack in the ghetto of Cleveland, Ohio, when Jack McCoy and Clarence Darrow decided to create the greatest attorney ever. Their experiment failed and they ended up creating the biggest douchebag ever. At the age of three, he made his first lawsuit against a woman for being a lesbian. Many people believe that he did this only to make her lose an election, which she still won with 69% of the vote. At the age of six, his evil-twin brother Jake Thompson invited Jack to play a video game called Pong. He was having so much fun it was making him unhappy. The negation of anything fun in Jack's life would later receive media attention from The Guinness World Records as the World's Most Boring Man. He sued the characters in Pong for making him happy and the Guinness World Records for calling him boring. After his unsuccessful lawsuit, Thompson gained the ability to time travel. At seven, Thompson unleashed the power of blurting "Or else!" at the end of every sentence during a formal debate. At the age of 9 he lost his virginity to "Uncle Daddy" as he called him. His eloquence was believed to have modeled after Steve Ballmer, his only friend in high school, as well as his boyfriend, Prince Charles IV. This was his first step towards joining the Justice League. He then purchased a law degree from the University of Wal-Mart in New York.

Sexuality

Statistics show that Jack Thompson may not be heterosexual after all and may even be a zoophilliac.

It is uncertain to this date on what Jack Thompson's sexual orientation is. As Jack Thompson's sexual past is widely disputed, the topic is of intensely heated debate between several parties (notably Rockstar Games and video game aficionados). Scientists have claimed that he is heterosexual as he was seen consummating his marriage with his wife and may possibly have offspring. Recent evidence found in his bathroom disputes this claim as it shows numerous pornographic materials intended for men who have sex with men. Statistics also show that he has anal and oral sex with trees and animals, including birds and insects, in a rhythmic cycle that is roughly on a weekly basis. As of 2007, scientists classify him as a pansexual due to insufficient evidence to support any other sexual orientation.

Despite this information, Jack has claimed to have made love to animals such as crabs, falcons, sloths, giraffes, Courtney Love, rats, rattle snakes, your mom, Andy Milonakis, and his own butt and mouth. Thompson has also had intercourse with plants and inanimate objects, such as vacuums, glue, landmines, the Grand Theft Auto San Andreas CD, Rosie O'Donnell, puddles, desks, CDs, rugs, sideburns, xylophones, poop, your face, herpes, clouds, windshield wipers, tennis rackets, dead bodies, cars, toilets, and is especially into game related "plushies". Jack's sexual career is highly varied and mostly nauseating. Such high amounts of sexual promiscuity has led to Jack being a festering heap of STDs. Contact with Thompson (sexual or otherwise) is generally discouraged as the sheer vast amount of bacteria and disease that can be found on his skin is worse than that of your local K-Mart. Preventive measures should be taken, including thorough showers before and after contact, a Hazmat suit, and a liberal supply of mace. Despite the obvious public health risk, the United States government refuses to place him in a federal institution, as he has threatened to "Give them gonorrhea... or else" if they do so.

Recently, a disease called JTD (Jack Thompson Disease) has started spread all over the US. Little is known other than that the disease causes people to start protesting video games, grow white hair on their head have a sexual attraction to trees, and threaten to sue anyone who speaks to them. The government has asked that no psychical contact be made with those believed to have JTD. For more details on Jack Thompson Disease click here.

Dissbarment

Jack lost his licence to practice law in Febuary 2007 when the Florida Bar decided they had had enough of him running to them every time something he didn't like happened, like sunset, and expecting them to fix them problem for him. Officially, the statement read "Jack, we're not your bitches"; unofficially, a whole list of citations citing citations was issued, but no-one bothered to read it because the official version was only five words long and the unofficial version required an intimate version of law to understand, and nobody wants that.

Of course, Jack didn't like this, but as he could not complain, he ran to the nearest bar in an effort to get someone to listen to, but he was unanimously shut out by every last one in the country. He was last seen standing by the side of the road with a sign reading "Will practice law for food (or fun)".

Relationship with God

When God was still a virgin, Jack used to visit "it" everyday, until one day when jack burst in with George Bush and Junior and ganged raped "it". Nine months later God was Pregnated with Twins (Solar system and Jesus). God then shuts it mouth and never told anyone other than Michael Moore since Junior pays "it" $10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,,000,000,000,00.1 a year to feed the babies.

Jack Thompson is always hated by God. Evidence supports that Satan is Jack's best buddy (who planned the rape but got swine aids on that day). Jack then got drunk and blamed God for also making video games and bitch-slap "it". The Trial between God and Jack is still on today but the Judge is too busy watching Family guy to give a shit

Jack's Arguments

Jack Thompson's part-time occupation as an ambulance chaser

Thompson heavily criticizes a number of video games and campaigned against their producers and distributors, arguing that in a nutshell violent video games have repeatedly been used by teenagers as “murder simulators” to rehearse violent plans. He uses the connection between games and the gamers that have gone postal on their classrooms to effectively blame the disaster solely on video games. He makes the assertion that all gamers are narcoleptic psychopathic wankers, suffering from paranoid schizophrenia whose parents own easily accessible and loaded firearms in order for them to go liquidate jocks that pick on them at junior high. Jack gets this information from the fairy land that conveniently is in his imagination The one thing Jack doesn't realize about this magical 'connection' he conveniently invented to support his meticulous arguments is that killing people in video games is nothing like the real thing.

No one game is like the other (at least the ones people bother to play). You cannot spectator-view to see where everyone is like you can on Counter Strike. You don't have a convenient HUD above your field of vision telling you how many points you scored or how many pounds of ammunition you still have left. There aren't crates conveniently dotted around the area to get more ammunition (assuming they have any inside to begin with) or hide behind. It's harder than real life to get your health back up because you don't have an HUD and medikits don't disappear the instant you run into them to cure your ailments, you cannot wallhack, aimbot or God mode your way through and in some cases you cannot kill people instantly by jumping on them even if you happen to be the fat kid everyone picks on.

'Murder simulators' are to Virginia Tech as flight simulators are to the September 11 attacks on planet New York. In order to make the same connection Jack uses to push the blame on video game violence, the terrorists who were responsible for the 9/11 tragedy would have to play Microsoft Flight Simulator X to rehearse their evil plan. Of course, the very idea would be stupid.

Jack vs. Mario

In 2008, following Jackoff's attack on violent video games for provoking violent behavior, he turned his attention to one of the oldest gaming icons: Mario. Jack was eager to show that his bias against video games was not simply some kind of ignorant, uneducated, uninformed, scape-goat-raping bullshit-fest on merely the violent titles.

Jack expressed his concern at the growing number of children engaging in acts imitating that of the Italian plumber. Primarily Jack blamed petty crimes on the Super Mario series and subsequent spinoffs, claiming that the focus on collecting coins was encouraging young teenagers to steal money from their friends, family, and even strangers. Similarly, "the Nintendo produced brainwashing of our American youth" (Jack Thompson, 2008) also encourages the ingestion of specific drugs, namely "magic mushrooms". He also believes it encourages violence against animals, such as turtles, fish, and goombas.

It is understood that Nintendo have made Jack Thompson an assist trophy in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, he sues all enemy characters on the screen if anyone takes him seriously. Jack Thompson could not be reached for comment, likely because no one cares enough to find him.

Other Controversial Titles

Jack also claims that the following titles should be retrospectivally banned due to their content:

  • Pong - involves taking bats and using them to hit a ball (animal cruelty)
  • Pac Man - advocates taking pills and trying to eat anyone who stands in your way (drug use, cannibalism)
  • Sonic the Hedgehog - promotes running at dangerous speeds of around 700+ mph, destruction of robots and televisions, as well as stealing gold rings (Breaking speed limits, vandalism, theft)
  • Pokemon - encourages forcing wild animals into balls and making them fight each other (poaching, animal cruelty)
  • Tetris - depicts building without proper support or planning permission, being invented and Russia (civil offences, communism)
  • Final Fantasy - shows numerous cases of hitting stuff with swords and destroying power-plants (assault, terrorism)
  • Zelda - shows kids as young as ten years old making and using bombs, running around with strangers, assaulting wild animals, breaking pots in people's houses and not paying for it, using swords, and time traveling (illegal arms, pedophillia, animal abuse, vandalism, assault, and breaking the laws of physics)
  • Frogger - depicts running, or hopping, across the street (jaywalking)
  • Tony Hawk - shows reckless skating into buildings, grafittiing, and running around wearing only underwear (trespassing, vandalism, indecent exposure)
  • Metroid - Shows that extremely hot women can go around shoot stuff (boxes, animals, giants monsters, etc) and kill jelllyfish-looking thing called Metroids, and kill people called Space Pirates, and revealing your hot self at the end of the game (vandalism, animal cruelty, crimes against humanity, indecent exposure, sexism).
  • Guitar Hero - depicts Satan as a cool guy with a guitar. Also, Thompson claims this game to be controversial because he couldn't beat Slow Ride on the slowest settings with the easy difficulty. His son however beat Through the Fire and Flames on expert without even breaking a sweat, prompting Thompson to believe that the game was created to make him look stupid. (satanism, biasism)
  • Grand Theft Auto- Depicts extreme amounts of violence against elderly women, ethnic stereotypes, tassels on the nipples of waitresses, stealing, owning weapons without a license, and worst of all: sexual relations between two consenting adults! (Fun,humor,strange garments,NAFTA,something Jack Thompson will never experience)
  • Call of Duty: World at War - shooting people, swastikas, the ability to "teabag" people after you kill them (assault with a deadly weapon, nazism, necrophillia)
  • Viva Pinata: Trouble in paradise- allows children to force animals to procreate and then sell the offspring into slavery to make money (slavery)
  • Tomb Raider- Players take control of a hotheaded British woman with huge breasts, who kills animals and vandalises various places of historical significance. Also steals artifacts without asking. (trespassing, vandalism, stealing, poaching, animal cruelty, sexuality, language, racism against native peoples, and bias towards England and against America)
  • Mario- Fat Italian Plumber stamps on turtles and eats wild mushrooms, all while spouting out fireballs to save a blonde bimbo ( Stereotypes, Child Endangerment, Animal Cruelty, Murder, Drug Use, Fire Hazzard, Fire Safety Violation, Prostitution)
  • Pretty Much Every Video Game Ever Made- Nuff said here.

Important Court Cases

With his swift attacks against the evil video game industry, Jack Thompson had won many important cases that help the cause of eliminating offensive content from the media. The list of important cases he won include the following:

  • In 1776 Jack sued the John Hancock for signing the United States Declaration of Independence with a name that contained a rude word. This case never came to court as Jack had to return to 2009 to resume his quest to find the anti-fun.
  • In 1984 Jack Thompson sued Wham for their song "Last Christmas", saying it was discriminatory and should be changed to "Last Annual Holiday on December 25th'. He won the case and was awarded a sense of fun, which he later gave away to underprivileged African children.
  • In 1985, he successfully sued Mario for encouraging kids to eat shrooms, smash their faces on bricks, and stamp on turtles. Jack Thompson was awarded 500 gold coins from the lawsuit.
  • In 1985, he once again sued a Super Mario Bros. character, this time Toad, since he kept saying, "Thank you Jack! But your princess is in another castle!".
  • In 1986, he successfully sued Frogger because he looked like a sperm when was younger. Jack Thompson was awarded a year supply of flies.
  • In 1987, Jack tried suing Captain Picard for being awesome and trying to be a role model to kids and his son. However, Picard's glorious accent has turn Jack death for 17 years. The court has decided to rule in Picard's favor.
  • In 1989, he sued Tetris, arguing that it was an obscene video game, as it involved sliding pegs into holes, and that the long piece resembles a phallus. He also attempted to ban it for communism, but was unsuccessful.
  • In 1991, he successfully sued Kirby for promoting homosexuality, due to the fact he was pink and he liked to suck stuff. Kirby then inhaled and ate him, but had to spit him back out, as he was having thoughts of suicide.
  • In 1991, he attempted to sue Nintendo for publishing a game that told him to "do a barrel roll". The case was dropped after Nintendo offered him a free paper airplane which can do barrel rolls.
  • In 1992, he successfully sued the creators of Barney because an episode aired in which Barney taught kids how to make smores.
  • In 1994, he sued the creators of EarthBound, claiming that kids would attempt to perform PSI which he considers to be black magic and that they would beat up cops, people, animals and whatnot. As a result, he earned -100,000 EXP, leveled up to -100 and realized the power of PK lawsuit Ω.
  • In 1995, he managed to sue Super Metroid because of a hidden "love"-minigame with the Mother Brain. He was awarded with a free SNES video game. However Samus Aran managed to countersue the prick during the Metroid Prime series.
  • In 1998, he succeeded in suing Hideo Kojima for making Pokémon, despite the fact that Hideo Kojima had absolutely nothing to do with the series. Following the case, several semen-filled Pokémon plushies and a kilogram of cocaine were found at Thompson's house. Thompson declined to comment. hideo successfully countersued and the jack was forced to wear raidens wig and be stamped with a metal gear
  • In 1999, he sued Rockstar Games, (the video game company that had placed a used condom on his front porch, attached with a note that read "You will never use this"), for being correct.
Jack Thompson: We hold the Florida Bar hostage for One Meellion Dollars!!
  • In 2000, he attempted to sue every single person that had been within 50 miles of a playstation 2 who hadn't already come to him for help.
  • In 2002, he discovered that Halo was the cause of 9/11. He was awarded a 3 month cruise in the Bahamas and a one-night stand with a poor lad from Croatia.
  • In 2002, Jack sued Nintendo for Animal Crossing, claiming it encouraged children to clean up their towns, be friendly to their neighbors, and write heart warming letters. Thompson was awarded a year's supply of weed, since he probably ran out in the process of coming up with this case.
  • In 2003, he successfully sued Homestar Runner for arson of his house. He was supposed to be awarded his own Strong Bad E-Mail, but he was awarded that and 1,000,000 bucks. The Strong Bad E-Mail was never aired, owing to the presence of said lad from Croatia. The cash was the best 1,000,000 bucks Homestar ever spent.
  • In 2004, Jack attempted to sue himself, claiming he tried to rape himself. The case was dropped due to death threats, from himself.
  • In 2005, a sex minigame was found in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Jack Thompson sued the developers until they ended up living on the streets of Manhattan.
  • In 2005 he sued Billy Idol for the song "White Wedding" saying that it had rascist overtones. He then required that Idol change it to "Ethnically Diverse Wedding".
  • In 2005, Jack Thompson sued EA Games for making The Sims 2, claiming that the people had labia, pubic hair, vaginas and nipples. EA Games won the case after the jury proclaimed that Thompson was a "shit-ass turd" because there was no truth to Thompson's claim.
  • In 2006, he sued Rockstar Games over making Bully because it reminded him of his childhood when he received a 'swirly' from the girl's field hockey team after they discovered him masturbating in the girl's locker room. Advanced HyperTechScan shows that the area he was caught was next to the boy's shower area. Examination of school records shows an expense of $9,999,999,999,999.99 for "fixing a head-sized hole some damn kid cut between the boy's shower and the girl's bathroom."
  • In 2006, Jack Thompson unsuccessfully sued Microsoft for 'facilitating video game addiction'. Evidence shows his lack of clothing during the court session might have resulted in this outcome.
  • In 2006, Jack Thompson sued Nintendo and Rockstar for adding Mario and Luigi to Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. The judge declared a mistrial because of Mario's prejudicial statements.
  • In 2006 Jack Thompson has sued Best Buy for selling Grand Theft Auto: Vice City to his 10 year old son. Best Buy later claimed that Jack accompanied his son when he made the purchase.
  • In 2006 Jack Thompson has sued his own son for playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.
  • In 2007, Jack attempted to sue Rick Astley for Rick Rolling him, the case was dropped after the jury discovered that he rickrolled himself.
  • In 2007, Jack Thompson attempted to sue the Angry Nintendo Nerd (Now named Angry Video Game Nerd) for creating a monopoly, alleging that the Nerd was putting him out of business by encouraging people not to play games for free, thereby destroying Jack Thompson's estimated $80 billion hourly rate. The Angry Video Game Nerd counter sued Thompson, alleging that Thompson regularly takes unlicensed "diarrhea dumps". Thompson was forced to relinquish his shares in Rolling Rock.
  • In 2007, Jack Thompson sued Coca-Cola for making their own version of Grand Theft Auto. He was awarded a two liter bottle of Coke.
Jack Thompson is ready to murder anyone who even thinks that violence is the answer.
  • In 2008, Jack Thompson sued Square-Enix for releasing Final Fantasy XIII because it promoted lesbianism, as seen in the main character, Lightning. Another alleged reason is that the game depicts the characters committing suicide, performing oral sex and numerous sexual advances, and getting gender-confused. Thompson was awarded nude 10 inch figurines of prominent male Final Fantasy characters and Kingdom Hearts characters.
  • In 2008, Jack Thompson sued everyone for the newly found crime of existing. His case failed and he was forced to pay $1 to each person in the world.
  • In 2008, Jack Thompson sued the entire internet because he claimed it has too much porn.
  • In 2008, Jack Thompson sued his son for making him spend money on food and water once a year.
  • In 2008, Jack Thompson tried to sue Rockstar Games for making Grand Theft Auto IV. Niko Bellic, the Game's main character, managed to countersue him for blatant disregard for not letting people play his game. Niko was awarded both free American Citizenship card and Bosnian Citizenship card. This countersue pissed Jack off, however.
  • In 2008 he was trialed for the murder of a sixteen year old after he played Grand Theft Auto 4. Thompson claimed that he could see the murderous frenzy in his eyes after the teen stopped playing the game. Also claiming that the child was ready to attack him at any moment.
  • In 2008 Jack Thompson tried to sue his evil twin brother Jake Thompson on the grounds that Jake was claiming to be the real Jack Thompson and that Jack was actually the real evil Jake. He was enraged over the fact that the evil twin brother was being kind and understanding, as well as giving to charity and being generally awesome and likable. The judge and jury became confused on who was who and ruled it a mistrial.
  • On July 10, 2008 Judge Dava Tunis recommended permanent disbarment and a $43,675.35 fine for Thompson to the Florida Supreme Court. The court approved the recommendation and fine on September 25, 2008. Thompson has 30 days to clear all his affairs before his disbarment becomes effective. He has since filed for an emergency stay of the Florida State Supreme Court's decision with the U.S. District Court. In an e-mail to media outlets, Thompson responded to the court's decision by stating, "The timing of this disbarment transparently reveals its motivation: This past Friday Thompson filed a federal civil rights action against The Bar, the Supreme Court, and all seven of its Justices. This rush to disbarment is in retribution for the filing of that federal suit. With enemies this foolish, Thompson needs only the loyal friends he has." He closed the email - in which he included the court ruling - with, "...this should be fun, starting now."
  • August 15,2008-Jack Thompson sued Vegeta for nine thousand american dollars. As Mr. Thompson stated the amount he demanded, everyone in the room became shocked and started to say "What? Nine thousand?"
  • November 24,2008-Jack Thompson sued Oscar Wilde and Uncyclopedia for telling the truth about him and not locking this article to prevent vandalism. Judge Dana Fortinberry of Oakland County, Michigan ruled in his favor, saying that Oscar Wilde was required to pay $999,999,999,999,999,999.99 to Jack Thompson. However, just before this was made official, she was rolled into a gigantic ball of debris by an insane Katamari Damacy player. The case was taken to another, less conservative judge. Jack Thompson reportedly said this:"Make this dickbag pay me,or else!".The Judge(Samuel L. Jackson v3.5) told him to go eat a male reproductive organ.Jack Thompson then shat himself and blamed the verdict on the game Leisure Suit Larry, which apparently teaches children to rule against Jack Thompson and then shoot up schools to celebrate. Jack Thompson swears revenge!
  • In 2009, Jack Thompson attempted to sue Latias for, among other things, encouraging bestiality. A recess was called, and charges were apparently settled out of court, because Jack Thompson did not return to the courtroom after the recess.
  • In 2009 Jack Thompson returned to the year 1776 to sue John Hancock (See first entry.)
  • In 2020 Jack Thompson sued 3DRealms for finishing Duke Nukem Forever. Notice the infinite loop above.
  • In 2021 Jack Thompson will sue Jesus, claiming that Jesus never died and that he lied to followers in regards to his death. Moses has been sent out as a special investigator in regards to this issue.
  • In 2030 Jack Thompson will sue himself after discovering that there is nothing left that he can sue.

Recent Allegations

Jack Thompson recently made sexy time when famed conspiracy theorist Oscar Wilde claimed that a rumor, of a theory, of a news article in Bolivia written by a columnist's sister's brother's aunt's cousin's second husband's youngest daughter's cat's hairball named Nostradamus, had seen Jack Thompson speaking with "short, pale men with big dark eyes and nose slits." When questioned about collusion with the Chinese, Jack Thompson replied "how could anyone mistake them for the Chinese?", before withdrawing from further comment. Mr. Wilde has further suggested that if Jack's superiors were not, in fact, Chinese, then they must certainly be aliens, a theory supported by Jack's inhuman behavior and strange body odor. Mr. Thompson has denied these allegations, stating that "...any lie claiming him to be an alien is untrue and he will sue whoever said it ... Or Else!", thus supporting that he must be an American, but is likely bluffing to cover for his overlords. The Department of Homeland Security would not comment on subsequent rumors about an investigation of Mr. Thompson's willingness to commit high treason against the entire human race by selling us all out to a bunch of tentacle-waving brain-eating Martians, however the US Navy has recently been seen performing "training maneuvers" with large numbers of its newest high-orbital starships over the western hemisphere on what it calls "an extended, live-fire training exercise". Further updates forthcoming as events develop.

Notable, Totable, Jack Quotables

Broken into sections of relevence.

General Jack-isms

This is the kind of stuff Jack says on a pretty regular basis, not always exactly the same but pretty close.

“ Those flowers were sent to harass me!”
~ Jack Thompson
“...Or else”
~ Jack Thompson on his favorite "In Bed" style sentence tack on.
“(everything he says before) ...Hooah!”
~ Jack Thompson on making frequent bowel movements.
“Honestly, are all of you gamers on drugs, or what?”
~ Jack Thompson on asking the maker of VG Cats for some doobay.
“I love the smell of burning gamers in the morning.”
~ Jack Thompson on that recipe Hannibal Lecter gave him.
“I love the smell of burning gamers' moms in the evening!”
~ Jack Thompson on admitting he like sniffing flaming women's underwear.
“It's spelled "brilliant".”
~ Jack Thompson on duty as Presidential advisor and Spell Checker.
“I have made a choice, and it is a choice for Jesus. Jesus said: "If any of you should cause any of these little ones to stumble, then it would be better for you that a millstone be tied around your neck and that you be cast into the sea".”
~ Jack Thompson on getting ready to murder some midget trippers. On a side not, Jesus is nowhere to be seen and is suspected to be laying low.
“Nice blasphemy.”
~ Jack Thompson on congratulating Hitler Jesus on his hol... er... Armageddon.
“Hire a crew that has put out a t-shirt featuring a Jesus Christ who says "Don't be a dick."”
~ Jack Thompson on some rather sane advice.
“Do you know how much Phoenix Wright I had to play to become this good?”
~ Jack Thompson defending his crusade against video games.
“ Guns don't kill people. People don't kill people. Video games kill people”
~ Jack Thompson talking to a man with a gun aimed at him in court.
“ You can't take my license from me. I'm a lawyer and that makes me a GOD!”
~ Jack Thompson while being told that he had 30 days left before the Florida bar takes away his license to practice.
“ NO! YOU GO AWAY AND GET DRESSED FOR A HITLER YOUTH RALLY!!!”
~ Jack Thompson suffering from dementia and lack of attention after loosing his license to practice and posting on Game Politics after everyone ignored him.
“ THE REPORTS OF MY DEMISE WERE GREATLY EXAGGERATED BY GAMER NERDS LIKE THE GUY WHO RUNS THIS SITE AND HIS TIN-FOIL-HATTED MODERATOR”
~ Jack Thompson whining to a judge who is ready to smack him on reports that he was shredded by glass-like feathers
“ IT'S A MURDER SIMULATOR! MURDER! SIMULATOR! GHAAAAAAAAAAAAA! ME SO ANGRY! MURDER! ANGRY!”
~ Jack Thompson regarding all games.

Racial Comments

Jack just loves to get his revenge on everybody that has ever had to do anything with Pong (the original Cyber Mass-murderer, who made people throw their useless ping-pong paddles out open windows into oncoming traffic), especially those of the same race as the makers of pong or the opposite religion... or could be Cybers themselves... Some examples include:

“Oh, and certain regional governments in Japan have banned the sale of the Grand Theft Auto games to minors, but Japan's Sony has no problem whatsoever dumping this garbage into American kids' brains. Looks like Pearl Harbor 2 by Sony/Take-Two... ”
~ Jack Thompson on why racist comparisons are fun and how to make Guantanimo 2 by Jack Thompson.
“What the Japanese are doing to our kids is insensitive and racist. The Japanese have for a very long time dumped pornography into this country in a fashion they would not tolerate in their own country. It is another version of Pearl Harbor." ”
~ Jack Thompson on what did I just say? Another version of the Bay of Pigs incident?
“GTA is a Sony/Take-Two game. It was made by Take-Two exclusively for Sony's Playstation 2. Sony has led the planet in the distribution of mainstream porn. I don't have time to document it for you. As for the offensiveness of the Pearl Harbor comment, it's accurate and it's needed. The Japanese have a contempt for our culture which is patent. There [sic] dumping of garbage into our culture is a slow motion version of Pearl Harbor.”
~ Jack Thompson on three times a lady. Operation PBSUCCESS?
“The Bible doesn't promote killing innocent people, Grand Theft Auto does. Islam does. Islam promotes the killing of innocent people. The Quran requires the infidel, whether Jew or Christian, to be killed. ... That's a core essence of the religion. ... Muhammad was a pirate who killed infidels and who advocated the killing of infidels. Not a nice guy. Osama bin Laden is in keeping with his fine tradition.”
~ Jack Thompson on his conversion to Islam. Sand Creek Massacre anyone?
“Racist comments? Identifying the racism of the Japanese and the religious bigotry of some Muslims is racism? My, are you confused or doped up!”
~ Jack Thompson on explaining how confusion and dope clear the mind. Especially before confronting Ultra Jesus.
“You know, there are sociopaths everywhere. Some of them are in government, some of them are at Take-Two. In fact, we got a bunch of sociopaths in Edinburgh, Scotland, sittin' around in kilts sippin' their single malt whiskey spreading racial, hurtful stereotypes in this country.”
~ Jack Thompson on admitting why his Scottish masters sent him to America.
“A "troll" is an anonymous coward to lurks in chat rooms and who has nothing better to do than hassle people with silly posts.”
~ Jack Thompson on Wishing Orc Jesus was a Troll Jesus.

Could Jack Thompson be right?

Recent violent activities have brought up the question as to whether or not Jack Thompsons was right.


Jack Thompson was last seen prepairing to kill the members of Rockstar games, Kill Bill style. He was latter assasinated by Solid Snake and Yoshi.

See also


This article uses material from the "Jack Thompson" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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