Jimi Hendrix: Wikis


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Jimi Hendrix stands too close to your burning fire.

Jimi Hendrix was a black guy who lived during the 1960's and invented the guitar, LSD, and flamingos. Hendrix is known mostly for his great feats which include killing off all the dinosaurs with his magic guitar Halcyon whilst riding atop his pegasus unicorn, staring a Grue down and causing it to loose interest in the kill, and teaming up with Billy Idol to kill The legendary Mongolian Titanium Werewolf.

Jimi's mother, Cleopatra was known to have an obsession with butterflies and zebras and moonbeams. She was also an Electric Landlady. Jimi's brother, Joe shot his old lady down, shot her down to the ground. Jimi's girlfriend used to live in a red house over yonder, but she reportedly left, causing Jimi to date her sister. He also liked to stand next to some lady's fire and wrote a song about it, which is totally random. Many numerous stunts gained him notoriety, including when he smashed down a mountain with the edge of his hand while feeling, sweet feeling, dropped from his fingers. He also lived in a Room full of mirrors but all he could see was himself so he took his spirit and smashed his mirror, so he could see the whole world, unfortunately he got glass in his brain.

Although in an attempt to slander Jimi, homophobic Nazis claimed the lover's name to be "the sky."

Contents

Childhood

It is understood that young Jimi Hendrix was never much into sport, but sources close to Hendrix (His Toilet) claim that he was a troll-wrestling champion at eight years of age. He became interested in the electric guitar at the age of 13 and 3/4, when he accidentally wandered into a music store whilst looking for the local hemp shop.

Background Information

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jimi Hendrix.


It is rumored that Hendrix once played a solo so fast it was above the range of human hearing, something in the magnitude of 300,349Ghz, needless to say the crowd was stunned to see Jimi and his guitar entirely incinerated. This solo, or frenzied masturbation, was a short minute take from the original track called "Lebanese Shreddings" who was first performed by the great Lebanese Guitarist called Roby Obeid and his fellow Nouille Ghazal in the late 60s...

After his father bought him a toilet brush to practice on, Jimi's early years were spent touring with Sole legends Wilson Pocock, the Slightly Iffy Brothers and Chas'n'Dave - Dave's routine of playing the piano with his false teeth, behind his head and finally stubbing out his cigs on the lid inspiring Jimi to emulate. In 1965 he traded in his brush for a Fender Wangcaster fed through the hottest amp of the day, an 11 watt Pixietone, with effects pedals by Weebletronix - the Big Hair fuzz, Crying Weasel wah and a Moulinex Blender for tone. Later he graduated to 356,000 watts of Marshmallow stacks so advanced that would keep playing themselves even if he stopped for a brew.

Jimi caused some controversy when, in the song Purple Haze, he sang "'Scuse me, while I kiss This Guy." Many educated people thought it was okay as they believed he was just referring to the magical elf in his pocket, Jeff Houser.

He was eventually "murdered" by a hit man sent by Nixon, since Jimi performed the Star Spangled Banner really awesomely and caused many deaths with his insane, amazing, sexy guitar tone which caused many to ejaculate to death.

Mutations

When Jimi Hendrix was born he had an abnormally big toe and it was amputated 3 days after birth. This is why on all his concerts he will walk like a total freak, but this obstacle didn't stop him. He carried on doing concerts until he managed to walk in a straight line and from then on people could call him from his real name, Ahasapotatootalon.

He also was Zapped into Fallout and used his Halcyon to kill everyone in the wasteland because they didn't believe in His spanish castle magic.

Finger Strength

In 1968 he managed to play 56,043 chords in four seconds. The skin on his fingers disappeared and was found in space by aliens, who are rumored to be using it as the technological basis for a new type of force field.

A cast of one of the many appendages Jimi used to play; ironically referred to as "little" Jimi.
Jimi Hendrix can bend a note an entire octave by bending it around the neck of the guitar and back onto the fretboard. He uses this to play notes beyond the range of human hearing. He also does this so fast that the average human cannot see it. Intense scrutiny of the the Woodstock tape shows evidence of the mythical octave bend.

Divinity?

A typical Jimi Hendrix impersonator

It is often believed by many that Jimi Hendrix and God are interchangeable names for the same concept. It was proclaimed in the bible in Leviticus 2.11.34 "An awesome black man with an afro with godly curls will one day come down to earth. He will create such songs as Voodoo child and will be swept back to heaven in purple haze never seen before. That man will create the idea of good music not the shitty music substitue Disney forces down yours child's throat.

Bad Influences

He was very good friends with all the big music celebrities of the 1960's such as The Allman Brothers, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jesus, Satan, and Alfred E. Newman. They were all iffy pals with him, but they did love to watch him "sing". The guitar playing was extra, particularly when he used his male member for the blues slide numbers.

Kirk Hammett (aka. Jimi's evil twin/reflection) is rumoured to be one of Jimi's worst influences, this is because he managed persuaded Jimi to swap places with him on the 18th September 1970. Once free of his mirror prison, Kirk proceeded to join thrash metal band Metallica and dominate the world using Jimi's guitar playing skills. Kirk is said to still have the original mirror with Jimi trapped inside, little is known as to how they swapped places or as to whether it is possible for them to ever swap back.

Hendrix was introduced to kitten huffing by This Guy. In thanks, Hendrix wrote the song Purple Haze which exclaims, "'Scuse me while I kiss This Guy."

At Monterey, while trying to fill his cigarette lighter, he accidentally set his guitar on fire. After apologising to the Fire Department, he explained it as a sacrifice to himself (he is the rock god), and a good reason to give up smoking. He was very patriotic and often played the Star Spangled Banner while simulating patriotic sounds such as machine gun fire, bombs exploding, and "gooks" a.k.a - Chinks - being napalmed.

Trouble With The Man

Jimi also had a taste for marijuana. He was often seen munching them, even during concerts. He is often said to have liked them seasoned with weed, although experts believe that genetically modified coriander was the stronger preference. Contrary to popular belief, it is not true that his famous pop hit, "Purple Haze" was written while under the influence, he was really just hallucinating due to a cold and the lack of unnnnnn in the air. Other Hendrix hits include "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head," "These Boots Were Made for Walking", "Wilde Thing (Slight Return)", "Poly-Grip," "Earwax Goddess", "Smells Like Teen Spirit," and "The Erotica Symphony."

He also has an evil twin with the same name who can only be differentiated by the fact that Evil Jimi always has a SoBe energy drink in his hand, which would make it impossible to play guitar. This Twin had a song written about him by Osama Bin Laden entitled "Rayhoo."

After being acclaimed as the best guitar players of all time, he began playing your mom. He and Jerry Lee Lewis set a piano on fire in 1970 to commemorate the Hindenburg wreck (as heard on the Hendrix album "Crash Landing"). Nobody told them how late they were.

I Don't Live Today

On September 18, 1970, Hendrix transcended this plane of existence. Some believe Jimmy Page was responsible for his untimely death, several eye witnesses testify to Page improvising a demonic guitar solo, conjuring minor and major demons of the pentatonic, before capturing the tripped out Hendrix, and dragging him into a hellish dimension of fire. Hendrix's last words are reportedly: "Aww, shit. Thas' tha last time I huff a kitten on LSD."

Discography

Naked Ladies absolutely loved Jimi Hendrix.
  • R U Experienced?: A Tribute to Devo (1967)
  • Axis: Bold As Boognish (1968)
  • Electriclarryland (1968)
  • Are You Experienced? Da Ol' Dirty Remix Featuring Ol' Dirty Bastard and Da Wu-Tang Clan (1999)

This article uses material from the "Jimi Hendrix" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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