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Johann Sebastian Bach: Wikis


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Bach started by playing bass, thus his trademark name Johann Se'bass'tion Bach.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Johann Sebastian Bach.

Johann Sebastian Bach (A.K.A The Notorius J.S.B, that Jute Son of a Bitch) was a German composer born in Eisenach, best known for his organic work, although he wrote many other works (not necessarily with his organs) that no one to this day seems to know how to play. Most of his works were inspired by organic fruits and vegetables.


Early Life

Johann Sebastian C. P. E. W. F. C. F. Bach came from a large family of professional musicians. So, due to extreme pressure from his father (Johann Ambrosius Bach), his 20 uncles, 25 aunts, 14 cousins, 7 grandparents, 8 great grandparents, and 137 great grand children (who had traveled backwards in time to ensure their grandfather's success), Johann Sebastian Bach decided to go into music. For reasons that have never been adequately explained, all but one (Yo Han Bach) of the people just mentioned had the first name Johann. When Bach was 23 he "came out of the closet".


Bach's fame was completely by accident; Bach was introduced by Mozart when he was a beggar in the middle of the street. Later Bach gave a concert performance and almost overnight, he attracted dozens of groupies to his house. That is why Bach has over 20 children. He was also renowned for his flamboyant trash talk, "Bringing it Bach" time and time again.

Later Life

Due to enormous stress, he later suffered a mental breakdown and went on a fugue. With his memory completely gone, he wandered the countryside and eventually came under the impression that he was Napoleon Bonaparte. After conquering all of Europe and setting himself Supreme Emperor over "Napoleonland", everything seemed to be going well, until a piano fell on him from a second story window and he accidentally recovered his memory. No longer able to rule, he returned to his hometown and began writing huge wads of church music for his organ. During this time, he was secretly involved with the work and life of Leonardo Da Vinci, to the extent of being in the Vienna production of "Baroque Bach Mountain." Bach and his counterpoint where very close friends, who always referred to each other in the fourth person, ie. Bach, "I wish I was good at music in the other dimension...oh well."

When Bach was a young'un, his parents never explained the art of child creation. Unfortunately, Bach drank a little too much it increased his artistic nature. He often wondered, "Where in the hell are all these children coming from?" He would often faint at the sight of blood, so his wife was careful never to tell him about the births...and never to have a period.

Bach was also known as something we call an organist. NO, it's not the organ you sometimes here in Mozart's Fidelio Homo Overture. It's an earlier version of what Bach was to come known as, an orgynist. Organs were his specialty. Human organs of the sexual nature. Bach knew how to make his organ sound nice. In fact, Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy was known to partake in organ study. Among other composers that Bach taught how to play with their organs is: Mozart, Wagner, Paul Hindemith, Roy Harris, and John Wilkes Booth. It is well documented that Wagner's Tristan and Isolde provides one of the greatest examples of Late Romantic organ-based music, which culminates with the famous "Tristan Chord", which occurs when Tristan touches his organ onto Isolde's vocal chords. This is one of the prime examples of Bach's tremendous homofluence throughout the evolution of the now antiquated organ music style.


Bach is today considered to be the greatest composer of the Romantic neo-impressionist era. He was such a prolific composer that it is not possible for a single (or married) artist to record or conduct, let alone play, his entire oeuvre (a fancy word). In fact, it is even pointless to list them as a single person could not even write the names of his works during a lifetime. Reading such a list would take several centuries at the very least.

Bach's style was unique, he had no predecessors and no successors (A.Schweizer). His musical sons dispersed across Europe, where they played a decisive role in breaking their father's rules, leading to classical music. In a time of laxer digital rights (DRM), he parodied, or took, several works from fellow composers:

  • G.Pergolesi, Stabat Mater
  • J.Kuhnau, Anima mea trista
  • G.P.Telemann, several, unknown
  • Dream Theater, Octavarium
  • A.Vivaldi, 6 Concerti diversi
  • M.Benedetto, Concerto for Oboe
  • J.Ernst von Sachen-Weimar, Op.1 (his pupil)

Bach tried several times without success to meet with the era's second-finest musician, G.F.Handel, who also came from northern Germany. He did not parody any of Handel's pieces.

Emotionally complex frontman Johann "Seattle" Bach poses wryly.

In an effort to ensure that all Bach's works are performed at least once a millennium, the custom has grown up of using smaller and smaller ensembles of musicians to play them. Obviously, performed by a few large groups playing quite slowly (as formerly), the works would take an inhumanly long time to perform; played by many small groups very fast (as now), the process is rather quicker. Academic respectability has been conferred on this practice by the musicologist Joshua Rifkin, who has now proved that the St. Matthew Passion was originally performed by a quartet of pygmy throat singers, backed by JSB himself on harmonica, bass drum and concertina, with a couple of exotic dancers thrown in on major feast days (Not to be confused with Minor Feast days, where every song played over the P.A. is in a Minor Key).

Whilst drunk in a pub Bach conjured one of today's most popular works, the Randomburg Concertos, most of which feature a Bass Continuo (Bass Guitar and Drum-kit) and we believe Bach himself would have played Bass (or drums accordingly) as the main soloist. The Ripieno or Extras would complete the harmony with incredibly virtuosic cadenzas - this section would be made up by a gaggle of flutes, or possibly a Theorbum.

Bach in Black Tour

After his recovery from memory loss, he made a surprise comeback with his popular "Bach in Black Tour" across Europe with the aid of his biggest fan, Wendy "The Man" Carlos and her band Corona and the Droogs, who played his songs in the famous album Clapped on Bach.

It hit the world like a glorious tidal wave eminating from a supernova. Young girls are said to have reached the big "O" repeatedly during some songs, the whole thing was recorded in the album Tales of Heaven and Hell: Back in Black

Before Bach died, he gave all rights of his songs to Wendy, who would carry the legacy to further generations.

Bach committed suicide in 1936 after listening to Trauermusik by Paul Hindemith.

Later in His Career

In 1927, Johann Sebastian Bach joined Toe Jam. Since his name wasn't too "hip" with the roadies, he changed his name to Johann "Seattle" Bach. Johann wrote many famous songs on tour with Toe Jam, including Better [See a Doctor] Man, Yellow Ledbutter Jam, and the popular Fatal Toes.

When Toe Jam did not make him profit, he decided to join up with Lynyard Skynard. He introduced hits such as, "Polytonal Alabama and "Free Bird 2: Guide to the Homophonic Nature of Polytonality.

See also

Decomposed German Composers
Johann Sebastian Bach | Ludwig van Beethoven | Johannes Brahms | Paul Hindemith | Gustav Mahler | Felix Mendelssohn | Robert Schumann | Karlheinz Stockhausen the Turd | Richard Strauss | Richard Wagner


1. Bach that ass up

2. Bach off Bitch

3. While my Harpsichord Gently Weeps

4. Don't look Bach (Mozarts a-comin')

5. I need Bach up (featuring Beethoven)

6. I'm Bach (who the fuck are you?)

7a. Bach in Baroque: the hits

7b. Pumpin' up the Bachside: the hits part 2

8. Bach in nam: Our troops need music.

9. Bach up on top of thangz (number one come back special featuring Snoop Dogg)

10. Bach in Ibiza: the dance remix

11. Bach in Alabama (I fucked my cousin)

12. I'll be Bach! (as they've frozen my carcus)

13. Bach again: the hits of a legend.

14. Bach to the Future

15. Biach: A Tribute to BAMF Baroqe-ee's.

16. Notorious B.A.C.H

This article uses material from the "Johann Sebastian Bach" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.


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