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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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“Why the long face??”
~ Oscar Wilde on John Kerry
“With all due respect, eat a dick... sir.”
~ Uneducated U.S. Military schlubs stuck in Iraq
“John Kerry won the election before he lost it, but then won it and lost it at the same time”
~ Captain Obvious on John Kerry
George Bush's response to John Kerry's insults.

John "Tree Beard" Kerry is a noble and charismatic politician and horse, fighting to restore America's respect around the world, and is out to prove that Poland doesn't exist Though then again he might not be. He used to be a penis model for Playgirl magazine before he stopped being one. He gives unwaving support to his causes most of the time and is entirely certain of his mission except for the parts of it he doubts, which may be some or all of them. He is highly educated (though maybe he isn't), having achieved an impressive D average at Yale. His results would have been higher but he insisted on writing two contradicting answers to each question so as to ensure that the person marking it would agree with him. In the past he has put all his efforts into winning wars for America, though he later decided he was against said wars and put all his effort into making America lose them. He is probably a Democrat, at least he was a Democrat before he stopped being a Democrat and then started being a Democrat again. Unless he isn't a Democrat, obviously. Some have claimed that Kerry lost the 2004 election by a land slide to an illiterate hill billie, though Kerry has repeatedly pointed out he actually won that election before he lost it. Kerry has always shown stead fast leadership (before he stopped showing leadership) by refusing to take a definitive stand on any issue. Unless he did take a stand, which was probably before he didn't take a stand.

Contents

A Long Face

John Kerry on vacation.

Some would claim that John Kerry has a long face. However, since he is known to have two or even three faces it is unlikely that the length of any given face of his is greater than that of an average face. He simply has more of them at one time, making the total length greater.

The (supposed) mind of John Kerry

Kerry's unique political style (of not having any discernable polictical style) may be the result of his brain being run by two chipmunks running on small wheels. These animals became stuck in his head after using it as a storage place for acorns. One of them is a liberal and the other doesn't know what he is. Together the two make a great team being unspecific on every issue from gay marriage to which is better Kentuckistan Fried Chicken or Popeyes?

The only issue on which Kerry has taken a deffinitive stand is in his unending fight to deregulate the ketchup industry. Kerry believes the right to bare Ketchup is essential to any democracy.

An American Retard Champion

John Kerry in his patriotic formal wear.

John Kerry was noted for his heroic and patriotic performance after the Franco-Prussian War. During the long and bloody conflict he was noted for his impeccable bravery and in fact it is accepted that his many successful military actions he single-handedly won the war and 318 purple hearts. However, Heart number 271 is widely suspected to be a result of improperly opening a beer can and not enemy action. Many generals in the U.S Army have expressed the opinion that if it were not for the presence of John Kerry on the battle-field then America, the world's strongest military power, after poland(Though he often forgets that), would have suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of an impoverished third-world nation. John Kerry himself has also expressed this opinion, before immediately expressing the opposite opinion. Sadly, he sustained many injuries, including the loss of his left buttock which is why to this day his friends still refer to him as half-assed. He also lost approximately 50% of his brain. Thats right, one of the chipmonks died, leaving the one who is not sure what he is to do the talking. Fortunatley, like Robocop before him, he was rebuilt as part of a secret project. Unlike Robocop, who had a robot body and a human personality, John Kerry got the opposite treatment, which is why, to this day, he has a personality as dull as a butter knife and a voice like a Texas Instruments Speak N' Spell.

These people clearly need his help. Sum ov dem cant eevn spll baysick werds. Unfortunately, he's stuck in Vietnam. He joined the military too.

However, in the 2004 election, a group known as Swift Boat Veterans For Smoking Bitches brought charges toward Kerry in regards to his war service. Kerry adopted the tried and tested "ignore it and maybe it will go away" stratedgy with regard to these attacks. This proved remarkably effective and, other then making him lose the election, the attacks had no impact what so ever

At the climax of the election, Kerry fought George W. Bush on the deck of the USS Texan. Kerry ended up in a headlock and surrendered the election to a flight suit clad Bush. Kerry later remarked "I won that fight before I lost it!" Kerry also immediately called up his high school best friend Saddam Hussein and recommended surrender and withdrawal from Cuba.

Election 2004

John Kerry was noted for running a lively campaign. His energetic facial expressions energized American Democrats that voted for Bill Clinton to vote for Bush. That, and the fact that his wife Tereza "Hillary Eva" Heinz Ketchup Kerry would call him "stupid" during private campaign dinners (Reality Alert). He also stated that his most memorable moment in life was when he starred as Doctor Smith in Lost in Space.

One of the various posters from John Kerry's 2004 presidential ad campaign
John Kerry was a favorite among mothers of young children for his uncanny ability to put the kids to sleep, as well as the elderly, men, women, his running mate, himself, any living or nonliving creature within a 250 mile radius, etc. John Kerry's discovering of this ability allowed him to lose his virginity at the rather young age of 7 to the family dog. After a 5 year relationship with the pet, John Kerry decided to move on to sheep and small horses. This led him to marry Tereza Hienz Kerry. It should be noted that John Kerry did not, as many claim, marry her for the money. In fact it was his condiment addiction that allowed her to seduce him.

During his campaign, Kerry took solid positions on many of the important issues facing America. As a matter of fact, he enjoyed taking solid positions so much that he would often take several solid positions on one issue.

While known as a snappy dresser, he would often wear beach sandals on the campaign trail, which inevitably led to his nickname, "Flip Flopper".

John Kerry and his family on vacation, circa 1423.

In addition, he stubbornly insisted that the best way to win over voters was to not have any specific ideas on anything, thereby resulting in the impossible feat of making Al Gore look almost charismatic. This conformed to his party's stratagy of grasping defeat out of the jaws of victory in order to appear more mainstream.

Jane Fonda Picture Scandal

As we all know, anyone even mildly associated with Fonda should be blacklisted because they obviously share all of her politics. In 2004, newly released reports showed that John Kerry had a walk on cameo with anti-war communist traitor Jane Fonda in the cheesy 1980 picture “Nine to Five”. One of the worst and most annoying films of Fonda's career and truly a black mark on the Kerry presidential campaign. This proved to be a major integrity issue for Kerry and he was forced to defend himself, stating "these headlines make it sound like I was in one of her crappy movies or something".

Apparently, in the scene, Fonda is arguing with her boss, played by Dabney Coleman, when Kerry walks into the room and defends Fonda by shouting, “Vietnam was wrong,” at which point they all break into a rendition of the Dolly Parton theme song, “Nine To Five”, Kerry providing accompaniment in his deep staccato voice.

The cameo had many critics. Fox New’s Bill O’Reily asked, “What does it say for Kerry to be associated with the despicable works of Jane Fonda? How does it reflect on him as a presidential candidate?” Rodger Ebert of the Chicago Sun Times says, “this movie is an outdated piece of shit.”

Kerry was quick to defend his involvement with the film industry. To supporters in Wisconsin he exclaimed, “I also did a scene in Forrest Gump you know. I was Tom Hank's stunt double.”

Abortion?

John Kerry is known for being ready to take tough stands when he has too. Take for example his stance on abortion. When questioned about his position on abortion, Kerry responded "I find it morally irrehensible and something that should be punished. But I won't impose my opinion on anyone." The Kerry camp hoped the statement would please both sides, but it pleased none. This would become a running theme throughout his candancy.

"The war is wrong. And I'll win it."

Osama Bin Laden warmly endorses John Kerry for President
“I have a plan....I have a better plan....I have a plan to have a better plan than the plan my opponent is planning.... I have a plan to have a better plan than the plan I have been thinking about for the last 47 years from now into the future... I have a PLAN this plan is~(interuption of gasps throughout the audience to be finally hearing his plan) my plan is to have a plan!!!”
~ John Kerry on his plan to win the Iraq war

Post 2004 Election Activity

“I thought they shot horses that fell during the race?”
~ The Democrat party on John Kerry's defeat

Kerry and entire Democratic Party Taser Student

On Monday, September 17th, 2007, John Kerry was answering questions at the University of Florida when a student asking a question became belligerent. Kerry responded by jumping off the podium, grabbing a taser from one of the police officer's present, and tasering the student. After the story got through a couple of news cycles, it was revealed that the entire Democratic party actually tasered the student and that this was apparently standing orders for any Q and A session involving a democrat. President Bush commented that this would never happen at one of his Q/A sessions because people with divergent viewpoints are stopped at the door, stripped searched and their shoes removed.

Highlights of Kerry's Life

  • May 8 1537 John Kerry is Born, unless he wasn't born. He may have just appeared, or been built, or been born on a different day.
  • December 4 1643 John Kerry is thrown in prison for 98 years after beating up a prostitute who turned out to be Teresa Heinz.
  • March 1861 - Kerry joins the Confederacy after he left it.
  • April 1865- Kerry decides to join the Union after realizing the Union had money. But no before he leaves it.
  • Febuary 6 1966 - John Kerry joins the Naval Reserve after reading their "There's no Way This War can last Nine More Years" pamphlet.
  • 1966-1968 - Kerry polishes the brass so carefully and eats a really weird shrimp, both impressing and ingratiating himself with the commanding officers. He rises quickly through the ranks.
  • September 14th 1968 - Kerry finally turned into a man, after getting a sex change operation. He was not entirely pleased with the results so was changed back again. To this day he is still not completely certain which gender he plans to be.
    John Kerry before the sex change Surgery
  • December 35th 1968 - Is assigned to Operation Assmaster, a top secret operation to terminate the command of Col. Kurtz, a member of The United States Army Special Forces who had gone rogue. His fellow crewmembers are intrigued yet disturbed by his constant stream-of-conciousness ramblings.
  • January 3rd 1969 - Pilots his swift boat to Kurtz's secret island on the Cambodian border. Col. Kurtz is training mutated animal men to go to war with the Viet Cong as well as the Tattaglia Family. He also meets American wartime correspondent John Edwards. In exchange for a cigarette, he promises to make Edwards his running mate and a promise to "be your best friend".
  • January 4th 1969- Kills Col. Kurtz in a surfing contest using moves taught to him by one of his shipmates, a young private from The Bronx nicknamed Morpheus. Calls in a napalm strike to barbecue a yak and throws a killer party starring Playboy playmates and 50 Asian prositutes. Meets his future wife Tereza Eva Braun Heinz Ketchup under circumstances known only as "The Manchuriain Incident".
  • March 11th 1969 - Receives three Purple Hearts of Darkness for completion of Operation Assmaster. Does not shut up about it for nearly 30 years.
  • March 12th 1969 - Receives oral sex from Mi Van Nyugen after promise of "love him long time" for $5.
  • August 1969 - Francis Ford Coppola buys the rights to Operation Assmaster and produces the movie "Assmaster", the first in the Assmaster series.
  • July 1971 - Now under therapy, it is discovered that Operation Assmaster never happened and his injuries are questioned. When Kerry is confronted with the fact that he was actually stationed in a desk job in Nebraska, he mumbles something about injuries sustained during "Operation Papercut". This explains his irrational fear of staplers.
  • May 4th 1986 - John Kerry turns violent and attempts to asassinate Lamb Chop.
  • February 1997 - Meets with former Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis and develops strategy on how to lose a presidential race. Kerry admires Dukakis' ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. John Kerry presents gift of a bottle of Maraschino Cherries to Kitty Dukakis.
  • September 14th 2004 - Kerry is found in a motel six out side the city of boston tied to a bed rail with his pants around his ankles. It was later discovered that John Edwards was hiding in the bathroom.
  • September 15th 2004 - Sustains a heavy attack from Swiftboat Veterans for Getting George Bush's Money Truth who claim that Democrats are physically incapable of operating boats or guns.
  • September 16th 2004 - Retaliates against negative advertisements by piloting his private swift boat to Veterans for Getting George Bush's Money Truth's headquarters and then opening the .50 cals on them. An event made all the more astounding by the fact that their headquarters are on the 6th floor and twelve miles from the closest river.
  • November 2, 2004- John Kerry gets seriously pwned by presidential candidate Karl Rove. Returns to his exclusive Louisburg Square townhouse in Boston and cries into a towel. Later that evening, is kicked square in the nutsack by Teresa Heinz Fitgerald Kennedy Kerry, highlighting that she had a better understanding of what America wanted then he did.
John Kerry showing off his skills as a center. He won the Heisman Trophy in 1699, while playing for Princeton University.
  • July 2nd 2006- States that "[He] actually opposed his 2004 campaign stance on Iraq, before he supported it" to a group of anti-war activists and potential primary supporters for 2008.
  • October 30th 2006- In a campaign stop for a dead man running for Governator of Cali-for-nye-yah, Kerry jokes "The troops that are in Iraq are such a bunch of stupid morons". Some knee jerk, right wing red necks some how took this to be an insult to soldiers fighting over seas. Talk about overly sensitive! Almost immediately (48 hours later), he issues an apology stating "I meant to say that I thought the troops were morons BEFORE I thought they were high intelligent."
Wha???? You want ME to say I'm sorry for calling our men in arms retards?
  • July 6, 2019- Kerry announces, at the age of 73, that he is running for president in Poland. He won in a huge upset, but soon forgot that he was in Poland and said, in his inaugural speech, that he was "proud to be the president of the USA." He now stands as the shortest reigning president in Poland's history, serving for 4 minutes and 37 seconds.
  • October 31, 2783 - Tries to save the world against an alien invasion by opening negotiations. Alien species gets bored at his speaking and falls asleep, leading to alien's defeat.
  • September 8th 2009 - Caught on a hotel pool camera, snorting blow off Megan Fox's ass after severly beating her. When reached for further comment he stated; "I though she was a pony! How the hell was I supposed to know?"
  • September 26th 2009 - Attacked Thora Birch with a scoring blade at Artopia successfully putting her in the hospital.
  • April 1, 3214- Dies. However, he may still be alive, or he might be dead. It depends what the opinion poles say. Certainly Kerry is completely alive, or completely dead. Or possibly somewhere in between.

Note: Some or all dates may be subject to change (possibly)

Filmography

Forget oil, Big Ketchup has corrupted American politics.
  • The Last Laugh (1924) as the toilet
  • Frankenstein (1931) (Biography.) as himself
  • The Great Dan Patch (1949) as Dan Patch
  • Mr. Ed Goes To Washington (1964) as Mr. Ed
  • Bedazzled (1967) as Sloth
  • Young Frankenstein (1971) as Young Frankenstein
  • Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979) as Borg
  • Apocalypse Later (1979) as Boring Officer
  • 9 to 5 (1980)
  • The Goonies (1985) as Sloth Fratelli
  • Dirty, Rotten Scoundrels (1988)
  • Horsing Around (1998)
  • In & Out (1999)
  • Seabiscuit (2003) as Seabiscuit
  • Golddigger (2003)
  • Team Osama: World Jihad (2004) as himself
  • Brokeback Mountain (2005) as himself
  • Snakes On A Plane (2006)(Title role.)
  • 300 (2007) as himself
  • Cloverfield (2008)(Title role.)
  • Uncle George W's Randy Shoot Out! (2008)
  • Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the crystal Skull (2008) as Indy's Horse
  • Charge of the Light Brigade (2010) as Capt. Nolan's Horse

See also


This article uses material from the "John Kerry" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Wackypedia

Up to date as of February 07, 2010

From Wackypedia

A hot date with a spending bill heats his eyes to a pleasant shimmer.

John Forbes Kerry is a mop-headed senator on the Democrats' honor roll. He has voted for proposals like wart spending bills before he voted against them, making him a weather vane and powerfully liberational wood-panelled voter in Newt Gingrich's pig eyes. Notably, he shares the floor with an American flag every month it's hot around the beltway.

Contents

Biography

Early life

John Kerry was born in a swastika-decorated Nazi incubator in France, the son of a legwarmer and a frigid general of sudden, scary wars. They took him away to be burped, and one night he was never seen again. He still claims Frenchness to potato chips.

His slide into childhood was observed through binoculars to be virulent. He'd sit on the toilet practicing his charisma until it shone with manipulativeness. He was able to persuade other children to give up their lunch pennies using nothing but his voice. He felt sad for his family's poverty and bought them the Orange House. They sold it immediately. He would spend the rest of his life trying to eat its encyclopedia.

University

John Kerry fell off the cabbage truck at Yale. He'd planned for a long time to major in clothing repair. He had a change of heart after being sewn up in the meat locker, and entered the political discipline. He even made a four highly placed friends in his Garish Hair class, and joined a club,

The SKULL and BONES! He had them! He was in AUTOMATICALLY, just like EVERYBODY ELSE! DUBYA and him planned the SEPT 11 ARRACK attack TOGETHER! Bonesmen, ALL CLEAR!

Kerry surprised the dean when he took his degree by storm. The grad ceremony was nicknamed "Vimy Ridge." He set himself dead against the RIAA and braced himself for the Cheerios of politick.

It should be noted that by this time he was a gay salad.

Military service

Kerry's military service consisted wholly of skimming water skeeters off ferny mudflats with a net in Nam. Except the net was a GUN and the skeeters were HIS FELLOW SOLDIERS. He murdered them in cold blood, just to steal their hearts, which had by then gone purple due to exasperation at his liberalism.

A 533 group would later point the national phinger at him for what he did.

Campaigns

Kerry's electrical campaigns were stump oriented. Kerry visited tall stumps, short stumps, and amputees during his tour of the American alps.

Kerry sometimes toodled around in a bus looking suspiciously like a houseboat. But the platinum campaigns happen from a clown car. The libbie clown suit is demeaning, but he's used to it, being a cheerleader for the grovelling liberal poster boy.

Election to his one and only position

John Kerry earned a beautiful oak chair by his efforts. He defended it by gnawing at challengers. Periodically he votes "neigh," because he is a horse. He sat in that chair from fall to spring, to prove that Republican bunkers have all but gouged the fort out from under the Democrats' daisy coat. Except in monsoon season.

The issues he votes on include flip-flopping, vacillation, and not voting consistently.

Sometimes he lets himself into the senate at night and stares wistfully at the moon shining through the hole he punched in the ceiling with the piece of highway he bought on eBay and shipped across the country to be planted in his backyard. Kerry radiates a kind of "moonlight" of his own; he calls it "Kerrays."

Marriage

He is married to a bottle of ketchup.

Criticism

NO SPINE! SPINE LESS.


This article uses material from the "John Kerry" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Alternate History

Up to date as of January 30, 2010

From Alternative History

John Forbes Kerry (born December 11, 1943) in OTL is the senior United States Senator from Massachusetts, and is chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. As the Presidential nominee of the Democratic Party, he was defeated by 34 electoral votes in the 2004 presidential election by President George W. Bush. Senator Kerry is a Vietnam veteran, and was a spokesman for Vietnam Veterans Against the War when he returned home from service. Before entering the Senate, he served as an Assistant District Attorney and Lieutenant Governor of Massachusetts under Michael Dukakis, who was nominated for President by the Democrats in 1988.

Alternate versions of John Kerry have been discovered in the multiverse:



This article uses material from the "John Kerry" article on the Alternate History wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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