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John Travolta: Wikis


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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to John Travolta.
Barbarino as he appears in The US "Iraqi Fugitive" pack of cards
“John Travolta was found guilty on many occasions of premeditated regicide.”
~ Oscar Wilde on John Travolta
“I say GOD DARN, I'm good!”
~ John Travolta on himself
“John Travolta? I knew him once!! He were HA HA oh god im sooooo lonely”
~ James Corden (that fat guy) on John Travolta

Vinnie Barbarino, better known today as John 'I believe in aliens and you better pay me $20 million a movie' Travolta (born August 11, 1072), is the inventor of disco and the popular Chinese Olympic sport child pornography. He also became very rich in the loan sharking business and used a sizeable amount of money to have a set of films and television shows made to document his life, like the popular show “Welcome Back Kotter” and “Saturday Night Fever”. He is also known for his involvement in a demented Hollywood cult invented by a science fiction author. The cult is known as Scientology.

Contents

Early Life

Facts:

John Travolta Likes men

John Travolta was actually a normal young man who could actually go to Lenny's Pizzeria on 86th Steet in Brooklyn and order a slice and a Coke, just like he pretended to do in Saturday Night Fever.

Since his brainwashing by Scientology, he can no longer do that because of all the Body Thetans that came off the Pizza Man's arms and went into the pizza while he was kneading the dough.

-Travolta's first sexual experience was with an alien named Meeflar from the planet Xenu, and by alien I mean a dog and by Meeflar I mean sparky and by Xenu I mean his neighbor's yard.

-John Travolta has been collecting cheddar cheese for the past 5 years in hopes that it will ward off Body Thetans.

-Travolta briefly had a sex change to become a woman for his/her role in "Hairspray". Makes you wonder why they don't just get a fat woman to play that part.

-Nicknames include: Johno Travolto, Travoltage, Johnny John John. JT and Johnny RonTard.

-Likes his banana fritters toasted, thank you very much!

Later Career

After figuring out that this was not a very profitable trade he moved to Miami where he worked as a loan shark. He used the profits to pay for more Scientology auditing because, well, he has a very big Body Thetan Problem. There are millions of them stuck up his ass. This was somewhat documented in the movie “Get Shorty”. It was during this period of his life that he moved to Hollywood, California and became intrigued with the idea for the movies that document his life his Body Thetan problem, and eventual death. It wasn’t until much later after he was involved in the drug business and was killed while on a stakeout by a boxer that the “almost” final chapter of his life was written – “Pulp Fiction”. "Almost" because the movie “Michael” portrays him as an overweight angel. This part of his life/afterlife is only speculation, though there is a Vinnie Barbarino cult that is fixated on his life and death that claims to have some level of proof that "Michael" was actually based on a real set of events. John travolta likes to ride bicycles with adam sandler, occasionally he sits a little to far back and his trousers are caught on the banana seat, and it looks like he has a boner, which due to its small size gets laughed at by adam sandler, who is current leader of pakistan. The friendship broke up when Travolta tried to get Sandler into Scientology and Sandler nearly beat Travolta to death with a dreidel, screaming "Death to Hubbard!!"

Travolta once had an appearance on So You Think You Can Dance America. He punishes the dancers who aren't cracking moves like his ass can, also blinding the Judges in the process.

John Travolta Disease

John Travolta disease is a disease started by John Travolta. Wild Abra appeared! It emerged in the mid-nineties just after Pulp Fiction when co-stars frequently experienced bouts of excessive scalp hair and mushed chin syndrome (MCS). Since then it has been listed as the main money-drainer as cited by the NHS and is the only reason American's buy health insurance (they used to fear Super AIDS and lupos). Symptoms are varied but always include long black hair and dellusions of aliens. Also, victims of this ailment are illiterate and become tooty-fruity founders of Islam (see Prophet Muhammad). Some long-term sufferers have beeen known to drive their cars off cliffs believing they have a licence to fly, whilst others simply attempt to fuck their own mouth. John Travolta has recently donated a large sum of money to the John Travolta Disease foundation started by Steve Ballmer, Steve Wozniak and himself, an irony in itself, whilst also passing his disease on to co-stars Matt Damon and Richard Greico. It is now widely believed that only John Travolta actually has John Travolta disease and it is from the millions of Body Thetans stuck up his ass.

Political Career

Travolta was the biggest loser ever known who briefly reigned over pluto during the terrible reign of Disco. By some historians he therefore has been wrongly accredited to have invented Electricity - which was later reaccredited to Thomas Edison. Unfortunately, truth was revealed too late to prevent the unit for Magnetism from being named "Travolta" by the IEEE. the first to be on a covetr to a ladies magazine

John Travolta's campaign slogan left something to be desired.

Travolta himself is actually an airline pilot that spends part of his time employed by the movie industry making movies about Barbarino’s life and the rest as an employee of Qantas. He gained his flying experience in a stint in the Air Force, after the acting career lull that came in response to the movie “Look Who’s Talking”. Travolta advanced to captain and actually --did fly the B-2 Stealth Bomber that was used in the movie “Broken Arrow”. While he is not a member of Scientology's sea Organization, Travolta considers himself a member of Scientology's elite Air Organization, especially when he farts out a few of the Body Thetans stuck up his ass.

There are plans for a “Welcome Back Kotter” reunion where the sweathogs go looking for Vinnie. The show is set to premiere this fall on HBO. Travolta will be playing the part of Gabe Kaplan, who refused to join the old crew in a dispute over rights to his jokes about body sounds that his Father would make.

Travolta also appeared in the movie Fountainhead Earth, where he pays tribute to Ayn Rand, founder of the Church of Objectivism. In real life, inspired by the teachings of the Church of Scientology, Travolta achieved supercosmic transcendence during OT III and RonTard XXX, projecting his astral self into an alternate universe where he merged with his counterpart, an actor named Vinnie Barborino, who was just like him except without the millions of Body thetans stuck up his ass. He then took the shortened stage-name Travoltorino (inspired by the car from another 70s sitcom Starsky and Hutch) and "went back to where it all began", chronicling some more of the life of his counterpart/alter-ego in the movie "Be Cool", a sequel to Get Shorty. Travoltorino was injured during the making of this movie when co-star Pumbaa Thurman hocked his nads with a sushi knife.

Battlefield Earth

Travolta is so brainwashed by Scientology that he actually believes to this day that Battlefield Earth was the greatest movie ever made and that the "SP" critics are responsible for the fact that every other person living or who ever lived knows it was the worst piece of shit movie ever made in the history of movie making going back to when Cavemen drew on cave walls. It is widely believed that Travolta agreed to do the movie based on the second grade writing of L Ron Blubbard, because he was promised that Scientology would help him get rid of the millions of body thetans up his ass. Unfortunately, the costume he wore in the movie was made out of body thetans and his body thetans up his ass count went from 10 million parts per asshair to 10 billion parts per ass hair after filming was completed. speaking of hair...

Hair

It is well known that John Travolta has the greasiest hair ever, with infinite amounts of grease with which he could take over the world if he wanted. In order to maintain his status as the 'disco grease lord', Travolta orders barrels of purified crude oil for his hair. He often is near bankruptcy when oil prices increase. Some conspiracy theorists suggest that Vincent's hair is actually a secret government stockpile of oil and grease reserves for war time use, and fear that he could at any moment turn rogue much like their previously trained Osama Bin Laden mechanization and use it against us. In fact, when all the world's oil is used up in 2008, Travolta will have the only oil reserve left which will give him world supremacy - not to mention a really easy commute to work. Assassination attempts on Travolta's life have failed three times; the first two assassins (in 1990 and 1994) simply missed, with the third (during the making of Pulp Fiction) hitting him in the back of the head with two hollow-tip rounds from a 0.45 Colt. Unfortunately for the would-be assassin, Travolta's miles of grease shattered acted as a repulsor shield, and both bullets returned to their source, killing the shooter.

Movie budgets

Roughly 2/3rds of the budget for Travolta movies goes into hiring people who's sole purpose is to convince him that science in movies isn't real and he can calm down. Ironically these same people are in charge of Tom Cruise's daily electroshock and sperm facial treatments.

Trivia

  • Real name is Vinnie Barbarino
  • First acting gig was playing a pregnant kangaroo in a High School play.
  • Communicates with L. Ron Hubbard via Mark XXX E-Meter-IM, an instant messaging E Meter system invented by L Ron Blubbard, that uses tomato brainwaves that pre-clears are incapable of understanding
  • Once ran for President as a Third Party Ticket with E.T. as his running mate.
  • Is a traveler of both time and space, much like Robert Plant in the song Kashmir, but unlike him, does not accrue frequent flier miles.
  • Was the secret helper who aided Tom Cruise in drugging and imprisoning his terrified child bride Katie Holmes at Scientology's celebrity Center in Hollywood. Travolta is alleged to have obtained the sack that was used to transport Holmes from the apartment that she shared, with her former boyfriend Jeff Normalguyinhistwenties, to the armoured fortress home of her 'new' boyfriend Cruise, aka Tom Cruisazy.

see also: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Tom_Cruisazy

  • Travolta still has the tear soaked sack from that romantic evening. Sometimes he likes to put it over his head, inhaling the sweet scent of Katie's fear and rubbing his nipples until they bleed.
  • Scientology does not feel that abducting women much younger and shorter than you, imprisoning them, impregnating them and driving them bat-shit-crazy, is a bad thing to do. It is OK because it is called the PTS/SP Rundown and Handling. It certainly understands that rubbing your nipples until they bleed is a great way to purge yourself of body thetans, which is very "OT" and that's why Travolta loves it.
  • An avid fan of the short lived t.v. show "After M*A*S*H," a spinoff of the enormously popular series, which followed the lives of Colonel Potter and Corporal Klinger after their time at the 4077th.
  • Believes in a religion invented by a guy 60 years ago so he could get rich, who turned out to have lied about everything in his past and was thrown out of college, the navy and every hooker's house in every town he every lived in
  • Hates Miley and Hilary.
  • His son died by choking to death after watching one of his father's movies.

See also



Preceded by:
Homsar
Ladies Men
1970 - 1983
Succeeded by:
Tom Jones


This article forms part of the series on Scientology
Beliefs Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Dianetics ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous
Concepts AT Field ~ Objectivism ~ The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth)
Practices Kitten Huffing
People Tom Cruise ~ Katie Holmes ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ John Travolta ~ Beck ~ Superman ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman
Enemies You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Paris Hilton ~ Dr. Mario ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians ~ Anonymous

Filmography

  • 2013 - Shrek 6 (planning stages, cameo role)
  • 2011 - Shrek 5 (pre-production)
  • 2010 - The Wizard of Oz Movie (production)
  • 2010 - Shrek 4 (post-production)
  • 2008 - Squirt
  • 2007 - Cum Spray
  • 2007 - Wild Bitches
  • 2007 - Shrek 3
  • 2004 - Shrek 2
  • 2001 - Shrek
  • 1994 - Pulped from friction

This article uses material from the "John Travolta" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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