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“These guys are pretty cool for a bunch of mimes.”
~ Butthead on On Kiss.
“Who gave these idiots a record deal?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kiss
KISS-circa 1965

KISS, the hottest band in the land, was founded in 1973 when lead singer Paul Stanley and bassist Gene Simmons had anal sex, got wasted and decided to "make each other feel pretty." After several awkward minutes of making out they finally decided to create characters to enact their fantasies. Two other like-minded individuals soon joined thus completing the line up. The name "KISS" comes from those first tender moments Paul and Gene spent together.

However, Ringo Moon tells a different origin story. A Klingon ship crashed into a Kabuki theater during a performance that the members happened to be attending. They observed the wreckage, and liked the look of Kabuki faces smushed onto Klingon bodies, and so "went with it", according to Moon.

The idea of wearing black and white face paint started from Paul's idea of wearing bright makeup and rainbow coloured hair. Originally the band tied up Peter Criss and sold his body to large ladies down at the local dock. After raising $1.69, they travelled to a fancy dress shop were they had enough money only for black and white, hence the image.

Contents

Paul Stanley

Paul Stanley(born Stanley Eisenberg,Stanley Einstein,Albert Weinstein, or whatever the fuck his name is) is a very talented guitarist but often acts gay to impress the girls. He has no idea that everyone in KISS thinks he is gay and doesn't like him. Starred as The Phantom in "The Phantom of the Opera" during a short run by bedding Andrew Lloyd Webber - when he didn't have to.

Has to be the shoes, isn't it Paul?

Paul is a talented artist of Oil Paintings. He once performed on stage as a walking canvas until his johnson went sticking straight up, making Mona Lisa look like Pinnochio was telling a lie. Paul was arrested by cops for being such an asshole in public & was later fined $900 plus free KISS tickets for life for the Policemen's Guild after pulling such a shitty stunt in public. Fans later threw stuff at Paul on stage, including an anvil that hit him right directly in the nuts. He has never recovered from the incident since then.

Gene Simmons

Born Chaim Klein Witz(Or however the hell you pronounced that name) in Haifa Israel is the inventor of everything, a jack-off of all trades and a master of your mom,your sister, your grandma, & your wife. Has bedded numerous women in spite of having a face like a smacked arse. His wife looks like a melted barbie with all the botox and plastic surgery. His son is a closeted homo who could pass for a drag queen with a little make up. but his daughter is hot but will drive some guy nuts and not put out.

Gene's tongue sometimes is mistaken for his johnson. Rumors at one time stated that his tongue is another part of his private parts.

It was rumored that Gene, along with Paul, did a song back in 1979 called "My Asshole Hurts", & performed it live at the Kennedy Center Honors that year to honor that dillweed of a prick, the Aaylatollah Khomeni. It was proven disasterous & never performed in public again. Gene said in later years that if the song was ever played in public again, He would "rather have a red hot poker go straight up my ass than rather sing it. I really fucked it up, big time!" (The song what ment for Jimmy Carter at the time because he was fucking up the country while being king.)

Ace Frehley

"Ass frei ist mein Held!" Hat die Anhänger in Deutschland geweint

This could happen to YOU!

Born Paul Daniel Frehley on April 27, 1951. He made all the nurses cry and cream their panties the second he came into this world, well err... landed on this world..he's from the planet Jendell where Superman got it on with Ace's mother and she soon gave birth to the son of Superman who took the name Superdrunk and began his career of fighting the evil Martians, holding his only heavyweight title of "inebriate of the inebriates" for a whole longrun of 22 years straight. And after he left KISS he later was the true creator of the band Dethklok until Ace sold Murderface a few guns and some heroin. It is rumored that Ace will live longer than Keith Richards who will only be outlasted by Steven Segal.

Rolling Stone called Ace "The worst shithole ever alive on this fucking planet. Why don't he move to Uranus & settle over there? We don't need a bunch of fuck ups ruining the earth."

On December 28, 2000, it was reported by sources that Ace Frehley was indeed a reincarnated versions of Hitler & Brainiac. No wonder this Space Ace is one fucked up piece of shit to this day?

Ace Frehley keeps his personal life private, which means that he is one gay shitbag in public...if he is!

Peter Criss

.

Born George Peter John Criscuola on December 20,1945,is a drummer worthy of getting the nobel prize, as well as receiving blow jobs for being noodle armed. Is known for losing his temper and has fired more weapons than hitting the drums. The only KISS member to have fans as well as having no talent whatsoever to have earned it.

Peter Criss dropped out of public sight after a hunting accident three years ago. According to his agent, Ted Nugent shot Peter in the groin area, blowing off his nuts and severing his johnson. It was dubbed "The Criss Castration Accident." The Motor City Madman stated at one time that Criss was "open game." No charges were ever filed against Uncle Ted, who was responsible for destroying Peter's manhood. A lawsuit was filed, but was settled out of court. The dumbshit should've known better than hanging around with Ted "Fuckin'" Nugent with an AK-47.

Eric Carr

He joined KISS after Peter ran out of coke and tried to raid Gene's bank account. Carr's first costume design was a giant chicken with a huge nose. Eric Carr wrote most/all of KISS's tracks after Peter Criss's departure in 1980. His monster drumming is featured on the track "Heaven's On Fire", the anthem of the Chicago Bull's.

Vinnie Vincent

.i have boobies

Once upon a time, a fish and a human woman spawned a baby named Vincent Cusano. Vincent Cusano was an amazing guitar player who could shred so fast, he could play songs that had negative time signatures. Vincent released two albums with KISS: "Sellouts" and "Hobos of the Night". Sadly, Vincents time with KISS was short lived. Due to the expensive stage set, and the likelihood of the universe to explode from Vincent's negative time signature playing abilities, Vincent was kicked out of KISS (He was also kicked out because he was slowly beginning his transformation into a female as you can see to the right his cleavege). Vinnie Vincent gave the depressed image to Kiss what later bacame a reason why the WW-II started.

Oooh, and he was kind of a depressing person, too. But that doesn't matter. He can play negative time signatures, man!

The Goodyear Blimp

The Goodyear Blimp was an active member of KISS for only nine months. He played on one Album, "Americanize", and only managed to play three shows. On some audio bootlegs of shows from that tour, The Goodyear Blimp only plays half of a show. This is because Goodyear needed him for a sports event, and the TV network wanted to try out a new camera that would be positioned on the blimp.

"Can i hAs cheezeburGer?..and sex?" (i think she's enough of both)

Some Random Spruce Tree

The Spruce Tree was in KISS for about 10 years. He replaced the Goodyear Blimp as KISS was going for a more "eco-friendly" approach.

You really couldn't expect it to do anything onstage. A spruce tree doesn't move. It also fucks up the solo for Calling Dr. Love quite often. And King of the Night Time World.

Mark St. John

Mark St. John (aka, the Goodyear Blimp) holds the record for being in KISS for the shortest period of time. He was officially a band member for exactly 11 seconds. He was a great guitarist, he went on to do various other projects, his last album a instrumental called "The Magic Bullet Theory" was some great work, sadly Mark Norton died! R.I.P!

Eric Singer

Regarded by many as 'the shitty drummer who replaced Peter Criss', even though, unlike Criss, Singer can play the drums properly....or so he says! Make him prove it!

Tommy Thayer

Less said about him the better...unless the gay rumors keep bringing shit on this guy! Let them prove it!

KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK MOVIE

In the year 1978, when disco ruled, pet rocks roamed the earth, and everyone was snorting cocain and Pop Rocks, Kiss decided to further milk their non-talent by making the made-for-television movie "Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park." The movie won critical acclaim for the band and went on to win Academy Awards for Best Picture, Best Hair, Best Action Scene With A Wolfman, and Best MakeUp.

The basic plot is a direct lift from Dante's Inferno only instead of Hell, the action takes place at Magic Mountain in California. Since its release, the movie has been praised as an edgy Postmodern treatise that navigates the precarious line between receiver, message, and agent in a way reminiscent of the works of Igmar Bergman. It also deconstructs such thorny issues as Third Wave Feminism and Class Conflict in a amusement park setting. Plus they play "Shout It Out Loud" and Ace shoots thunderbolts from his fingers.

Notable actors such as Laurence Olivier and Marlon Brando approached Kiss to make a follow up movie to which they declined, having rocked and/or rolled all night nite and partied every day to which caused them extreme exhaustion.

KISS meets the Phantom of the Park bombed miserably at the box office with a gross of $12.35. It was taken out of theatres & all copies of the film were burned & dumped at a nearby Dairy Queen.

KISS Today

These day's KISS spend all there time re-releasing and recycling the same greatest hits albums over and over. Each year the same few tracks are put onto a new CD with a different name, where one track will be a live version. KISS decided this was the only way to make money after they released Psycho Circus in the late 90's and no one liked it. KISS Officially retired, and did a farewell tour. That tour seemed to bring in more money then the band had made in years, so when they are not recycling the same greatest hits compilation CD's, they often go on tour with another Farewell Tour.

2009 marked the tenth anniversary of the Farewell Tour, and Gene Simmons said something like, Blah blah blah, we can't write decent songs anymore, blah blah blah, KISS is a business, blah blah blah, and that business is selling the same compilation CD's all the time, and planning our next farewell tour. He then went into some rant about a 3 some he had with 25 girls, all of which had Adams apples.

KISS beat out Alice Cooper for the "Most Fucking Compilations/Greatest Hits Albums Ever Released By The Same Artist" awarded to them in 2010 by the Parcllub Industry life time achievement awards.

Rumors are running rampent that Gene & Paul want to have Alice Cooper join the band for a tour, but Cooper told them in an interview that he would rather be fucked with a pine tree up his ass than to join a bunch of senior citizen emo boys who wear makeup & shit & perform in front of the fans, old & young, especially young girls who wanted to be fucked by a bunch of geriatric homos.

Discography

  • KISS (1974)
  • Hotter Than MJ (1974)
  • Dressed For Satanic Rituals (1975)
  • Dead! 1/4 (1975)
  • Repairer (1976)
  • Fuck a Duck, Over (1976)
  • Hate Sword (1977)
  • Dead! 2/4 (1977)
  • Another KISS Compilation (1978)
  • Ace Frehley (1978)
  • Gene Simmons (1978)
  • Paul Stanley (1978)
  • Peter Criss (1978)
  • We Sold Out To Disco (1979)
  • Surprised!(1980)
  • Music From The Elderly (Studio Outtakes Plus 30 minutes Of Kiss Tuning Their Guitars And Ordering Chinese Take-Out) (1981)
  • A Compilation of KISS songs with the same songs as the other Compilations! (1981)
  • Hobos Of The Day (1982)
  • Sell-Out! (1983)
  • Americanize! (1984)
  • We Wear Lip-stick! (1985)
  • Crazy (and Gay) Nights (1987)
  • A KISS Compilation with 3 really popular songs everyone has heard before and 10 random shitty ones (1988)
  • Cold in the Sun (1988)
  • Revenge For Absolutely Nothing (Except of It Sounding Cool) (1992)
  • 3/4 Dead! (1993)
  • KISS my Ass! Another KISS Compilation (1994)
  • KISS FTV Nostalgic Interest (The "See, We Could Possibly Re-Unite, Without Killing One Another! We Played Acoustically On A Stage For 20 Minutes!" Album!)(1995)
  • You Didn't Need It! And There's No Medicine To Cure It!-A Dead! KISS Compilation (a bunch of Dead! remastered tracks with 3 "unreleased Dead tracks" (which were recorded very,very recently!) (1996)
  • Greatest PISS - Another KISS Compilation (Why???) (1997)
  • Funeral Of Integrity ( A really great album that was "eclipsed" by the "Delusion Tour! In some circles it is known as the "Spruce Album" \m/. .\m/) (1997 but was to be brought out in 1995)
  • Fecal Storm (Studio Musicians, a Spruce(Screamin') and Some Guy Who Is Going To Be In KISS (1998)
  • KISS Kompilation (we're clever!) (2000)
  • KISS Symphony: DEAD! (2003)
  • KISS Rocks The Nation To Sleep (2004)
  • KISS Dead! 1975-2000 Box Set (2006)
  • Still More KISS crap (2007)
  • Milkin' It (Studio outtakes from the Vinny Vincent era) (2007)
  • KISS Reads Chaucer (2008)
  • KISS Dials On A Phone (2008)
  • KISS: AKORNS (2008)
  • KISS: my god how are we still allive or popular (300000000)
  • KISS: The New make-up Years After Peter left, just before Ace left, but before Tommy Thayer took over but hadn't tuned his guitar and just plugged it in (basically the first few minutes he came into the studio and after he took his jacket off but before he took his other guitar out of the case) (2008)
  • KISS: Supercentenarians (2009)
  • Nuclear Explosion!

Influence of Stevie Nicks

It should probably be mentioned that "KISS" is actually a Secret Acronym for "Knights in Stevie's Service." When asked whether Gene Simmons was indeed giving her Good Service, Miss Nicks replied, "YES! YES! YES! YES!! YEEEEES!!1!"


This article uses material from the "KISS" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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