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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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Kong enjoys reading Paris Hilton's novel while sitting atop famous landmarks.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about King Kong.

"King Kong. K-k-k-king Kong. King Kong. K-k-k-king Kong."

-Lil Wayne on Jesus

King Kong and are in fact the creators of the universe, the 18.5th United States President and will be re-elected in 2008. All that was, is now, and ever shall be was created by his great claws, that said he was in fact modeled off Peter Jackson, which while impossible is true. For five hundred billion years he ruled the galaxy and in that time witnessed the rise and fall of nations, the birth of stars and the destruction of worlds. In 5BC, Mrs Kong and Mr Kong had a child. It was at this time that they made up the word King. In King's early days, he helped to build Stonehenge and the pyramids and dig out the world's oceans. In the time of King Kong's birth there was only one GIANT planet. In this planet there were female apes and King Kong. But one day while King Kong was doing his daily "satisfaction" a new ape appeared, this is the famous Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong and King Kong fought for over 100 years in the Napoleonic Wars, until the planet blew up into many different planets. (This fight got the name "The Big Bang") Donkey Kong ended up on a planet named Nintendo that got sent outside this galaxy while King Kong ended up on Mars, but right now he is living inside the jungles on the planet Earth, with his favorite habitat being that of Skull Island, the small island below New Zealand's South Island. Father of every pope ever elected, King Kong forever shall be proclaimed as the one true god.

King Kong has one daughter, Stella Kowalski McKong, born in 1432 to Christopher Columbus. King Kong has had a long and filthy affair with 50 Cent's Chinese aunt Chin "100 Yen" Jackson and some Native American with smallpox that is far, far too disgusting to detail here. But we can tell you there was a lot of screaming and no one is happy with George Bush who is also the father. He also has a son, only known as Son of Kong, who was cloned recently by the Umbrella corporation. They did this in the hope that an army of Zombie Kong's would be the next big innovation in military warfare. However they soon realized that they were useless because of the unaccounted for size factor, so they released the blood-crazed, rampaging Son-of-Kong back into the wild ... New York City. It was then that he made his famous climb to the top of the Empire State Building which inspired Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay to climb Mount Everest. However the Freemasons had plotted the whole thing, and caught the scene on camera, which they made into a blockbuster movie. Trivia: In the 2005 remake of the movie, Fay Wray's name was changed to Fay Kaboobs to stay relevant in these Modern Times.

King Kong was reborn on earth by two humans and was renamed Jack "muff" Clark. he now also looks like Chewbacca and attends Saint Augustine's College in cairns.

King Kong went into semi-retirement in the year 2000, reducing his public appearances to a smattering of N'Sync concerts and the decapitation of 15 Saudi prisoners, after which he went into exile in the Islamic Republic of Frankistan. In the year 2047, however, the Chinese Special Administrative Region of Hong Kong mutated through its own toxic poisoning to become a 400 ton gorilla, as it did not want to completely return to China. It has since taken the name King Kong, and as of yet, there has been no war between the two great primate powers. The lack of primal warfare has lead some to believe that the former island is being groomed as a replacement for the day when the Great Kong finally decides to Fuck All. He is still planning his revenge for all the movies he starred in and was never paid for.

“He looks like a monkey, but fights like a crazy man with a hook in his ass.”
~ Captain Obvious on King Kong
“Hey there Sexy”
~ Oscar Wilde on King Kong

Contents

The Church of King Kong

"Grrblaaahduh"

King Kong at the election 09'. (He is a communist)

The Church of King Kong was founded in nine gazillion BC* by hypercubes. Its creed has Eleven Sacred Pillars that all Disciples of Kong must abide by or be cast into the Forest of Sorrows.

Original artwork made by movie remake artist Peter Jackson

When attending a service, it is customary to stand and hum along as the holy hymn, "King Kong" is played by a mid-sized jazz/fusion band for about 18 minutes, give or take depending on the time it takes for the various soloists to spin out variations on the main theme over a repeated bass ostinato. It is forbidden to shave and all hair on your body must be permed (yes all hair)

Contrary to popular belief, King Kong does not know the evil terrorist mastermind Donkey Kong. It was once believed that King Kong was Donkey Kong's wife, but we now know that is not true because of recent events in which Donkey Kong married Mario in the world's first gay video game/ mass murderer marriage. King Kong's last known appearance was at Santa Claus's execution, a result of being found guilty of trafficking 48 kilos of heroin strapped to himself and 8 of his elves. Since then they have become known as the Bali nine. King Kong volunteered to become the executioner as Santa gave him a sock with a switch in it one Christmas morning instead of the X-box 360 he had asked Santa for in his letter. King Kong did not bother with the switch; instead he used the very same sock to horrifically strangle him. King Kong is currently eating Santa's brains.

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Remember, it wasn't the airplanes, it was Santa killed the beast! A jihad upon him!

and always remember. KING KONG DIED FOR OUR SINS.

The Deeds of His Majesty, King Kong, in the Epochs to Come

The US Air Force tries to arrest Kong after he did number two on the Empire State Building. "That's no moon!" one of the pilots marvel. "It's King Kong's ass!"

In the Years of incredible solitude at the hands of our giant ape overlords who like human breast milk in their coffee, Kong will raise England from the sea and shape it with his spittle. He will set Elvis Costello over the masses as their vice-monarch, and the Costello will terrorize them with his laser feet. And an elephant shall lead them.

Kong will invent 7 new dances, and 7 shall be the number he sets above all, save 9. The dances will be flailing and awkward, and rhythm shall be banished from the land.

Eyeballs shall also be banished. The word "from" shall also not be spoken.

Dinosaurs shall return, and Iron Maiden shall go on tour. Iron Maiden rocks! (Regrettably, Iron Maiden is now dead. May they Rest in peace.)

Ignore the Dinosaurs. The Dinosaurs are unimportant.

Kiss the puppy! Is it not adorable?

King Kong is married to Hong Kong, and the ape and city get along quite well in bed.

King Kong is in fact married to the Queen and lives in a basement under her castle.kiss

Skull Island

“A place so fuckin' weird, it's gonna blow your BALLS off. A place so strange that it defies...beef, fillets of beef.”
~ Jack Black on Skull Island

He's from some weird Island with dinosaurs and a big fish that was cut. There's a shitload of dinos.

T-rex: Went extinct in 1976 and was replaced by some 3,000' gory snake.

V-rex: Awesome as HELL! It's, like, 50 feet long and 30 feet tall and is often refereed to as T-rex by people who don't know what century their in.

Z-rex: Even bigger than both.

Piranha-thingy: destroyed by weta editing.

Terapusmordax: A bat that rolls in shit daily.

Raptors: They have a long name, so I'm not typing it. YOU THINK THAT I'M TOO LAZY To FINISH TYPING THIS SENTE

Cloverfield: LOOK IT UP!

A-rex: more of an insignificant species. You rarely see them in kongs biography because they prefer to constantly try to anally rape the cameramen hence the name a-r(s)ex

King Kong Compared to Marmites

King Kong has much in common with Marmites.

  • Furry
  • High-altitude
  • Squeak level acceptable
  • Gorps
  • Something to do with Pikas
  • Frequent guest star on the Gong Show
  • On again, off again romantic interest of Michael Stipe.
  • Jack Otte.

Controversy of the King Kong Suit

Around the time of Peter Jackson's remake a King Kong costume was made in the King Kong merchandising which caused an incident in New York City. In 2006 a middle aged man dressed as Kong during a Halloween bash at the Empire State building got drunk and out of hand. Several people were being punched and thrown around as the drunken man really thought he was Kong. As the police arrived to arrest the deranged man he already climbed to the very pincle of the building. A police chopper soon came and ordered the man to come down. With a fit of drunken rage the only response from the man in the Kong suit was a loud muffled roar as he tried to pounce on the chopper. Though sadly the man missed by seven feet and fell to his doom as his drunken roar echoed through the cold night's air. As people gathered around the dead man in the Kong suit an onlooker said, "So the man just jumped for no reason?." A fellow worker answered the onlooker's question by saying, "It wasn't for no reason, It was booze killed the beast." After this incident happened the Kong suit was banned from stores to keep this from happening again.

King Kong in Film

  1. The Day I Saw A Giant Gorilla Bash Up A Grue
  2. The Life and Times of Daniel Lockley (2007) .... Lead Role
  3. King Kong (2006) .... Frank Zappa, Mothers
  4. King Kong (2005) .... Jack Black
  5. The Road to King Kong (1942) .... Dorothy Lamour
  6. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Kong(2001) .... Arwen
  7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Electric Boogaloo (2001) .... Arwen
  8. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) .... Arwen
  9. One Night at McCool's (2001) (as Andrew McKong) .... Colonel Walter E. Kurtz
  10. My 5 Wives (2000) .... Dr. Moreau
  11. The Hulk (2003) .... Hulk (Monster form)

... aka Mes cinq chéries (Canada: French title)

  1. Foolish (1999) .... El Dorado Ron
  2. Whatever It Takes (1999) .... Rio
  3. Point Doom (1999) .... Valentine 'Snakeskin' Xavier
  4. "Hitz" (1997) TV Series .... Napoleon Bonaparte
  5. The Good Life (1997) .... Chauffeur aka Bud
  6. "Bless This House" (1995) TV Series (as George W Bush) .... Ogden Mears (1995-1996)
  7. Favorite Deadly Sins (1995) (TV) (as Shania Twain) .... Richard Spencer

... aka National Lampoon's Favorite Deadly Sins (USA: complete title)

  1. Jury Duty (1995) (uncredited) .... Jor-El Schlongini
  2. No Contest (1994) .... Princess
  3. Brain Smasher... A Love Story (1993) (V) .... Don Vito Corleone

... aka Brainsmasher: A Love Story ... aka The Turnip and the Price of Princes

  1. The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990) .... Adam Steiffel, Chairman Titan Oil
  1. Casual Sex? (1988) .... Vinny the Giant Monkey Man
  2. Amazon Women on the Moon (1987) .... Robert E. Lee Clayton (segment "Video Date")

... aka Cheeseburger Film Sandwich

  1. "Crime Story" (1986) TV Series (as Mikhail Gorbachev) .... Maj. Weldon Penderton
  2. Crime Story (1986) (TV) .... Maj. Weldon Penderton
  3. Pretty in Pink (1986) (as Ignatz W. Presley) .... Carmine Sabatini, aka Jimmy The Toucan
  4. Charlie Barnett's Terms of Enrollment (1986) (V) .... Tough Kid

... aka Terms of Enrollment (USA: short title)

  1. Private Resort (1985) (as Connor McCleod) .... Marc Antony
  2. Night Patrol (1984) (as Lou Anne Phelps) .... Emiliano Zapata
  3. Making the Grade (1984) .... The Swede

... aka The Last American Preppy (USA)

  1. Dirty Dirty Jokes (1984) (V) .... Don Vito Corleone
  2. Wacko (1981) .... Stanley Kowalski
  3. "What's Happening!!" (1976) TV series .... Shirley the waitress
  4. Plan 9 From Outer Space (1971) .... Sir William Walker
  5. A Streetcar Named Desire (1951).... Himself (uncredited)
  6. King Kong: Big Ugly Ape (1933).... Suge Knight
  7. Mecha Crinos Werewolf Kong (19995).....Junchiro Koizumi and 3 Pikachuss
  8. V for Vendetta (2006)....Your Mom

...aka Who shot Alan Moore? (UK, Mega City One)

  1. The Life and Times of Adam Peter Evans-Labrie (2010)....Adam Peter Evans-Labrie

Pokemon

Type: Ape thingy/ gruesome

Height: 13 foot 29 inches

Weight: WhythehellamIsayindiscuuzitweighssomuch

Evolves to: Grue

Evolves from: Satan

Next Pokemon: Missingno

Previous Pokemon: May (Pokemon)

Other Famous Kongs

See Also

currently in Fortstreet High School there is a king kong residing in W27 which is a room located on a building called the Wilkins building. HE is highly sensitive and please do not go and disturb him.


This article uses material from the "King Kong" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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