The Fool Wiki

Kobe Bryant: Wikis

Note: Many of our articles have direct quotes from sources you can cite, within the Wikipedia article! This article doesn't yet, but we're working on it! See more info or our list of citable articles.


Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Motherfucker! I didn't rape her, okay? Okay?”
~ Kobe Bryant replies to a reporter's question, on his 81 point game
~ Kobe Bryant replies to a reporter's question on Shaq's rap
“I didn't ask you anything about rape.”
~ Reporter replies to Kobe Bryant's question
“Fine! I did IT, I raped her. You wanted to break me down? You wanted the ugly truth? I did it. I don't know why I did it, just happen.”
~ Kobe's response to the reporter's answer
“Holy shit...”
~ The reporter's response to the confession by Kobe.
“Whenever I think about why Shia LaBeouf is so popular I just get this urge to rape white girls. Shia LeBeouf just get me so angry. It doesn't make sense to me why he is popular, its not fair.”
~ Kobe on why he rapes white girls
“.... ”
~ The reporter on this whole conversation
“Is it technically rape if I wanted to have sex and she doesn't??”
~ Kobe talking to the cops
“Hey Shaq, I finally won one on my own, now you can't say I suck no more!”
~ Kobe on Shaq
“I admit, Shaq is one of the greatest of all time, Michael Jordan IS the greatest of all time. As for Lebron, he's got a lot to prove, so far it's all been hype. If he wins, we both know it won't be without Shaq, come on, i've been there.”
~ Kobe on NBA

Kobe "Mr. Bean" Bryant is an American Professional Basketball player and Michael Jordan imitator (currently ranks #1 in the World Michael Jordan Wannabees List,...followed not so closely by Spike Lee). Kobe plays in the NBA on the team "The Los Angeles Kobes," where he doesn't have to worry about sharing the ball to anyone and can average over 30 points on only 60 free shot attempts per game. Bryant is a four-time NBA Champion (two thanks to bad officiating, one thanks to steroid use), he has made 11 All-Star Game appearances and is the only NBA player in the history of the league to have a "rape case" in a single season.

Kobe Bryant also holds 10 Nobel Peace Prizes for his work in Antarctica, and is credited with the holocaust. (He was once quoted as saying "The JEWS MAN... THE JEWS!"


Kobe Bakaw

Did you know that Kobe beef is a kind of Japanese beef? It's true. His parents went to Japan and they liked it so much that they named him after it. Nice, eh?

Another theory is his mom lost her virginity to a man named Kobe a.k.a (NEIL PETERS). She was raped by him, but she liked it so much she vowed that her favorite child would be named Kobe and would live on the family raping name. See Kobe Rape Scandal.

Another theory is that he was named after Colby cheese, which his mother was said to have been shoving up her vagina to try and stuff him up there, therefore saving the world from her son, who was conceived in much the same way as such legendary individuals as Rosemary's Baby, Damian The Omen and Chris Brown. Obviously the cheese didn't work, because that raping, housekeeper-abusing piece of shit is still here today to make the world suffer.

Unbeknown to most gai-jin, Kobe is Japanese for "Will Not Pass. Ever."

Kobe and Shaq

In 1998 the Los Angeles Lakers tempted Shaquille O'Neil(Shaq) with free Izzys Deli (shaqs favorite jewish deli) to come play for them. It worked out perfectly. The Lakers decided Vlade Divac was a useless Slovian and traded him for the rights of the 13th overall pick Kobe Bryant. Kobe came to L.A pumped out and ready to show off. In the 1999-2000 season the Lakers were invited to Staples Center from their original arena, The Great Western Forum; the place Magic Johnson called "the sexiest place to play... and get AIDS". Maybe if the Forum never existed Magic would be all good. Anyways Shaq and Kobe got new Laker jerseys and won 3 Championships (CHIPS). They argued, fought, and laughed at themselves and opponents. Then one day they lost to the Detroit Pistons in the Finals. Head Coach Phil Jackson left, Shaq left, teammate Garry Payton met up with rapper Too Short, and Karl Malone tried getting Kobe's wife Vanessa to come on his ranch. Now it's 2008 and Kobe bryant has failed to beat the Boston Celtics for a chip even with the help of Joey Crawford and the mental retardation of the Memphis Grizzlies GM. He is considered the most overpaid player ever.

Meanwhile, Shaq continues his quest to be named the solar system's Ninth Planet, constantly referring to himself as "The Big Galactical."

Trivia: Kobe Bryant once told a reporter that Shaq's ass taste like shit after Shaq rapped the song he wrote called "Kobe, tell me how my ass taste"

Kobe and the Staples Center

Due to Kobe Bryant's tendency to rape any and all things in his presence, it has been difficult to find a suitable arena for the Los Angeles Lakers. Many steps have to be taken in order to ensure that the fans are not within "rape distance" of Kobe, which is believed to be roughly 175 feet.

Despite the apparent calm waters in Los Angeles, an average of 3 fans go missing from the Staples Center on a weekly basis, and two of them were never seen again. It would be speculation to say that all of these missing Lakers fans are currently chained to the wall in a dark basement where Kobe Bryant regularly rapes and tortures each of them on a daily basis.

Since Kobe Bryant came on board, the Los Angeles Lakers have gone through 78,892 basketballs, 78,658 of which fell victim to mysterious, mushroom-shaped puncture wounds. This is in stark contrast to the 11 basketballs that the Lakers went through in the 100 pre-Kobe-Bryant years.

It has been believed that Kobe set an NBA style net on fire due to the prolific circumstances of the ball approaching the right points of friction after a successive post rape "3 Ball" attempt.


Much credit should be given to Phil Jackson and Jerry Buss (Lakers Coach and GM) who have managed to keep this franchise afloat in the midst of all of the controversy surrounding Kobe Bryant. Perhaps most impressive has been the ability of Phil Jackson to create "rape-diversions" for Kobe Bryant, where the main goal is to prevent Kobe Bryant from raping himself. Kobe has only raped himself twice in his professional career, but both times he was forced onto injured reserve with life threatening wounds.

It is believed that Kobe Bryant once attempted to rape Shaquille O'Neal, but Shaq, being bigger and stronger, was able to fight Kobe off. Shaq has since recorded a rap song dedicated to this incident titled, "Kobe Tell Me How My Ass Tastes"?

Kobe becomes Japanese Icon

After Kobe's 9000 point performance in Tokyo, the most points scored in a Japanese Basketball Shootout, Japanese officials decided to change a name of their city to "Stumasa". This of course meaning "bringer of rape." They also renamed Tokyo to Kobe for his outstanding performance. However, this caused confusion, as there was already a Kobe in Japan. The two cities fought for 15 years over the naming rights, but both lost after the 3 Michaels (Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, and Shawn Michaels) molested and surprise sexed them all to eternal damnation.

Kobe vs Godzilla

After repeated jaunts, Kobe challenged Godzilla to a game of pickup Basketball. Kobe lost. What a dumbass. Why the fuck would you challenge a 400 hundred foot fucking lizard monster? After the game, he went back to his hotel and fucked himself to sleep.

Kobe vs People less talented than himself

A thrilling game of basketball was scheduled to be played between Kobe and people of less talent than himself. Unfortunately, non were found... Kobe lost to a cardboard image of Micheal Jordan....1-2. He was then brutally raped.

Kobe also has problems with "THE BOSTON CELTICS" who suck balls, Kobe Bryant raped their entire team but the ones who could still walk beat them.

He then went on to try out for the Los Angeles Pee-Wee Basketball League, but was eliminated at the last minute, thanks to a 10 year old 3'11 forward with asthma and knee braces named Scotty McDougall, scotty didn't play at all fuck all u muthafuckas ima kill u bitches cuz im da fuckin man ya digg fuck wit me uptown bemis ave all day S.I.G F.B.G 100 block bitch

Possible Reality TV Show

Rumors of a possible reality TV show with Alex Rodriguez have been rife for the last few months. Suits in LA have been in negotiations with both Bryant & Rodriguez with the show to be titled Kobe Bryant vs Alex Rodriguez: Who Is The Most Arrogant Piece Of Shit In The History Of Sports. ESPN are said to be extremely interested in broadcasting this new show provided it gets a new title. A spokesman for ESPN said "We all know everyone loves Kobe & Alex, especially here at ESPN so the current title has got to go. We're hoping Terrell Owens and Brett Favre can jump on board so we can call the show Kobe/Alex/Terrell/Brett: Who Is The Most Loved Sportsperson You Never Get Sick Of Hearing About". If that can happen then I think we've got a winner on our hands". Rumors are also flying that Spike Lee will host this new show however he still has his mouth wrapped around Kobe's cock so he couldn't be reached for comment.

Finals 2009

The unthinkable happened, Kobe began to PASS THE BALL. I REPEAT: HE PASSED THE BALL. It has been later discovered that the only reason he has begun to do the unspeakable is that Pau and Lamar let him rape them after each victory. This odd team bonding session has become a norm for the team who are moving to San Fransisco next season.

Current Movie Rumors

Kobe Bryant is rumored to star in some movies:

  • The Adventures of Big Beef: I Did NOT!
  • Nightmare At The Staples Center: Kobe Plays Again
  • Kobe Bryant Vs. Phil Jackson: I Do Not Have To Share
  • The Los Angeles Kobes Go To McWhite Castle
  • Kobe and the search for the missing Jews.( Kobe cumshots in their ass')
  • The Adventures Of The Wondering Black Cock
  • Kobe "Bean Movie" Bryant
  • Dr Bryant or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Try And Rape Every White Girl In America
  • I Know What You Did Without Consent Last Summer
  • The Muppet's Get Raped By Kobe In Manhattan
  • Liar, Liar 2


Kobe has released 3 studio albums.

  • 1996: I Just Got Drafted
  • 1998: I Raped A Chick After My First All Star Game
  • 2009: Shaq Sucks (literaly)

Kobe Bryant Is Eli Whitney

According to historians, 'Eli Whitney' or Kobe Bryant for the intellectually inclined, found the fountain of youth in 1846 and became immortal (some believe him to be related to Jesus) but spent the next 100 years of his life becoming a basketball star. If you look closely at him you can see that, yes indeed, he looks EXACTLY like Eli Whitney. This is one of the 8 Wonders of History. The other Seven Wonders can be described in short as The George W. Bush Administration...Really. No, Really.

Fun Facts!

  • Kobe Bryant claims to still be a virgin.
  • Kobe Bryant considers himself "the best virgin rapist in the world, even better than Michael Jordan."
  • He Only Rapes White Girls
  • Kobe looks forward to raping more white girls in the future now that he can afford it as he is the most over paid athlete in history
  • Holds the record for most white girls raped by an unbelievably arrogant scumbag. Previous holder was Kobe Fong (rumored to also be Kobe Bryant).
  • Kobe once raped <insert name here>'s mother
  • Kobe Bryant has quoted "Everybody's great at something, but only very few are the greatest of anything. Michaelangelo had his art, Bruce Lee had karate, and Michael Jordan had basketball.
  • He claims to have raped over 100 billion white girls, none of which were Jewish.
  • He once gang raped George W. Bush.
  • His cat was found in a supermarket after Kobe threatened t rape it.
  • He was caught having sex with Shaq on 2000-2006.

link title

This article uses material from the "Kobe Bryant" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Got something to say? Make a comment.
Your name
Your email address