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This is the list of disciples granted unto Sonic the Hedgehog throughout the ages.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an equally listy article about Sonic Characters that Nobody's Ever Heard Of.

Contents

Amy Rose

Amy kinda has a crush on Sonic.

First appearance: Book of the Disk of Compression of Genesis

Main article: Amy Rose

Amy Rose (aka Rosy the Rascally Rascal) is the stalker that Sonic was cursed with for the blasphemy of Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie. She is skilled in over 400 types of infiltration, including ninja-style and Tom-Cruise-on-a-string-style, is hornier than triceratops in heat and armed with cute looks to boot, the latter being her deadliest weapon. She is also armed with a large hammer than can knock out anybody in a single room. The instant she is shown the slightest bit of weakness, she will pounce and begin the ceremonial virgin-sodomising rites.

After the Book of the Disk of Compression of Genesis, Amy underwent a massive puberty phase, making her the same age as Sonic (to her delight), and drastically changing her clothes and hairstyle. Although many blame this to be a byproduct of one of Dr. Eggman's inventions, Amy claims she had her phase forcefully because of "that bitch Sally". To this day, Amy and Sally constantly argue over who loves Sonic more, explaining his constant disappearance or need for alone-time in many of the cartoons and comics.

Her hobbies include ice-cream, kleptomania, being a damsel in distress, being coupled in fan fictions with every other character under the sun, regardless of gender, officially, or whether or not they're even in the Sonic universe. She is reported as having not been too happy about some of these pairings, having tried most of them out and a lot of them having not worked, as spines generally make for trouble in bed with anyone not adequately protected with several layers of kevlar plating, or a convenient grue.

It is speculated that if Amy did what she wants with Sonic, the series would be rated 14-A.

Cream the Rabbit

See Cream the Rabbit.

Cream is one of the least useful characters in the Sonic franchise, and given the shitload of superfluous characters, that's saying something. That is to say, she is of absolutely no use at all, aside from, perhaps, showing Blaze the ropes in Sonic Rush and appealing to the soft spots of the Sonic fanbase. As adorable as she is, this rabbit has a lethal weapon. Just search Youtube for the dreaded Sonic X Anime (also home to the likely even more annoying Chris Thorndyke. For the sake of your mental health, take a brief moment to cry out in anguish at the thought of a character so bad, it makes Bella Swan look realistic) and click on the first episode (make sure it's the English dub) and force yourself to watch it up to the point where you hear a voice so bad you are overcome with a sense of extreme anxiety. Figure out which one is Cream for yourself. Cream was tragically shot in the face on Janurary 9th and has remained in a coma. Sonic was found violating her in her comatose state, succsessfully impregnating her with his evil worm baby. This also marks the event of every female in the Sonic universe being violated.

Cream is often paired with a variety of characters, despite her age. A few examples are SonicxCream, TailsxCream, ShadowxCream, AmyxCream, amd CharmyxCream, and that's only hetro!

Interesting fact, Cream was the white girl in 2 Girls 1 Calculus Equation.

... and is a VERY bad boy when Sonic IS looking.

Miles "Tails" Prower

Tails is a bad boy when Sonic's not looking...

Tails is Sonic's most dedicated and faithful follower, going with Sonic wherever he goes and protecting him as his personal bodyguard, although he usually has a problem catching up. His duties include tasting his food to check for poison, going through doors first to check they're not booby-trapped, starting his car from 150 feet away in case there's a car bomb, going through swamps ahead of him to check for perverted tentacle monsters, standing on top of a nearby tree during storms to direct lightning away from him and giving fellatio to potential sleeping partners to check for STDs. Despite all of this, Tails continues to be Sonic's friend, even lending him his Tornado airplane to escape from Amy Rose and fangirls (all of which he sleeps with afterwards).

In addition to being Sonic's admirable slave, Tails was also fostered by Sonic, from the "Robotnik Adoption Agency". This Agency, funded by Coconut's Coconut Factory that manufactures Coconuts on a regular basis, was later renamed "Prison". Due to the closing of the orphanage, records of Tails' parents have never been recovered. However, it is postulated that due to his immortality, natural piloting ability, and genetic deformities, Tails may have been the conception of an already pregnant Captain Jack Harkness and Fox McCloud. This theory was further supported by Tails' habit of "doing a barrel roll".

Tails has developed numerous bad habits off-duty, due to his abusive work life and lack of a caring home. When the authorities find him, he explains, "Sonic made me do it". When they ask Sonic, he says "God made me do it". When they ask God, he says "You got the wrong number, pal" and hangs up. There have also been a number of incidents involving glug-glug, hump-hump, what-do-you-mean-pregnant, and a dash to the border, now let's never speak of them again.

Despite Miles' full name, the top speed he can fly is a mere 15 km/h, resulting in him falling behind Sonic continuously while following him. Many times, this results in Tails getting stuck in pits of doom, in which Sonic realizes Tails is dead when he's 2 kilometers ahead. Luckily, Tails carries an infinite supply of power rings in his tail and reincarnates in some random area of the sky over Sonic, starting the cycle again, goddammit.

Tails was portrayed by Haley Joel Osment until his balls dropped and was no longer cute. The executives have since replaced him with Shia LaBeouf. He still isn't cute, but at least his balls are back to being non-existant. Jonah Bobo is set to replace tehBeef when everyone forgets that he was in Zathura.

Tails is wanted in 49 states for stealing all of his hi-tech gear, it is reported that he blew up Wisconsin and that the state itself is now just a cardboard replica, more on this story as it develops.

Five minutes before Rogue was slipped the roofie. Again, Sonic does nothing.

Knuckles The Echidna

Some of Knuckles' less proud moments.
Main article: Knuckles

First appearance: Book of Sega Genesis

Knuckles (ナックルズ・ザ・エキドゥナ, Nakkurusules za redku duludu, in Japan) is as far from a representation of a real echidna as you can possibly get. He is a red, teenage, anthropomorphic echidna. His first appearance was in Sonic the Hedgehog 3: Return of Zombie Eggman (a sub-section of the book of Sega Genesis). Knuckles is both a close friend and rival of Sonic. His task since birth has been to guard the Master Emerald, which entails keeping it safe from theft, polishing it on a regular basis, supplying it with concubines and assassinating anyone whom the emerald deems "kinda dodgy looking". According to official Sonic Team polls, Knuckles is the fourth most popular character in the series.

He's not especially smart, and has fallen for Eggeman's pathetic tricks so many times now his sanity has been called into question.

Supposedly, he had friends called the Chaotix Hitman Club, but after a recent accident with a batgirl, a thong, dancing potatoes, and some guy named Joe, he has dispersed from his former comrades. Knuckles was portrayed in the Sonic The Hedgehog movie by Vin Diesel. Along with the Megaman movie, this was a low point in Diesel's career.

Knuckles was involved in a major conflict with a fast food employee over The Leek Bun.

Because Biblical Texts can never have enough smut.

Rouge The Bat

Main article: Rouge the Bat
First appearance: Second Book of Adventures

Rouge is a professional treasure hunter, secret government agent, make-up artist and nightclub owner/dancer. Her feminine charm makes her appear careless, but she is actually scheming and manipulative. In seven of the ten games she has appeared in to date, Rouge wears a FABULOUS skintight black body suit with an AWESOME large pink heart-shaped breast plate and those kinky white thigh-high boots. How she expects not to attract the wrong kind of attention with those kind of clothes I have no idea, but it follows that in twelve of the ten games she has appeared in to date (???) she has been raped by between two and five species of tentacle monsters. In an act of convenience, Sega has made her 18 years of age.

Due to Rouge's looks, she is considered a sex symbol and one of the key factors in adolescents of the late 1990s having massive libidos and interest in the Furry culture. Although many parents complained to Sega about Rouge's appearance, they shrugged it off by removing her cleavage for a few seconds in one episode of the television series Sonic X. This move saved Sega $2.47 in drawing costs, but resulted in a 77-day strike at Sega headquarters started by the creator of Rouge the Bat. To date, the Rouge the Bat character has cost Sega $4.4 million in retroactive pay and damages.

Shadow The Hedgehog

This section is a swarming mass of Vashta Nerada.
To avoid any fatalities, we recommend you to count the Shadows before editing this article.
Look! He's got a gun!
Chaos... sleep?

First appearance: Second Book of Adventures

Shadow was bestowed upon Sonic by the Lord in the second book of adventures to up the sexy emo factor and rake in the cash from fangirls on whom all the anime gods had begun to prey at the time. This was done in a rather sloppy manner, where a vague hedgehog shape was pulled together from black plasticine and a little bit of blood from the veins of anime's remaining integrity, and the resulting plasticiney, bloody mess was thrown at the market like shit to a wall, and it stuck with a similar effectiveness.

Dubbed with the amazingly original moniker of "Shadow", the resulting abomination was unable to feel any sort of emotion other than pure anguish, and much less display said emotion, much to the delight of the fangirls. Scripture is unclear on their exact reaction, but verses 3:10-11 say this of the matter:
"And Shadow the malcontent appeared unto the world, to much mixed reaction. Some cried, some cheered, but most begat noises as such:
"OMGOGOMGOOGHESOAWESUMIWANTHISBAAHBEEZZLOLOL!!!!11!MEDORECOLORZNOWLOLZ*MSPaint*"

Shadow is the second character in the series to be capable of controlling chaos power and second to obtain a "super form", and thus resulted in half the characters introduced after him receiving the same powers as well. Through the Chaos emeralds, he can summon great power or do whatever the hell he wants, as befits The Lord's favourite plaything for the space of roughly fifteen celestial minutes. He still constantly looks for that damn fourth chaos emerald. Typically, he uses his power to get earmuffs when Cream starts talking or to create a donut whenever Big the Cat starts to babble on about his eyes being white.

Moreover, Shadow has a mass of power which is often called 'bile'. This allows Shadow to produce toxins (or later romanized to be Chaos Control) through the use of his stomach. This can cause a number of devastating effects on the general population of Mobius:

Sonic might use Sonic Boom to counter the effect, a catchy theme song used in accordance to Sonic's chilli dog toxins.

Shadow may cause a reaction with the ozone layer, and therefore losing to The Man With No Head.

Disney might choose to record the opening theme song, resulting in destruction of the Sega Race.

What happens when Shadow and Silver are left alone with a webcam and a few cans of Bud.

Silver The Hedgehog

First appearance: Book of Horrors

Silver was borne of the Lord's attempts to recreate the massive commercial success that followed in the wake of his turn to the emo side, and those that flopped hilariously. The result was a confused, perpeptually disoriented little thing with a big fluffy white thing stuck to his head. At this point, the Lord was beginning to become delirious, and started populating Sonic's promised land with all manner of plagues of characters, until everyone (including the characters themselves) had characters coming out of their ears. He also developed telekinesis, when Lord got pissed off with him and gave him the innability to masturbate, thus making him improvise.

He often appears in conjunction with Blaze, for little to no apparent reason. Silver also has the tendency to work for advertising agencies to create advertisements against Sonic the Hedgehog. All attempts by Silver to promote anti-Sonic advertising, thus far, have failed, and has resulted in him losing jobs with numerous advertising agencies, despite him working at each one for a significant amount of time to gain trust. Due to this, Silver has been involved in 47 lawsuits against these agencies, all of which have failed.

Blaze the Cat

First Appearance: Book of Expediency

The girl who likes Silver, she is usually not seen as one of those "I'm-Nobody's-bitch" types. From another dimension. She kicks ass. And she's a princess. And she can control fire! Holy shit! It's like I'm making this up on the spot. She has also been known to spontaneously jump into a sea of lava and die, while Silver (Her pimp) battles Satan in three forms. She resembles Kenny McCormick because of her ability to die and revive over... and over... and over again.

She's Zombie Jesus now, because she's died an unlimited amount of times, and came back every time (Of course, after the battle).

Sally Acorn

First Appearance: Book of the Sabbath Morning
Main article: Sally Acorn

Sally Acorn is one of the most important characters in the Sonic's old testament, next to Sonic himself, but everybody forgets about her. Why? To this day, top biblical scholars are still debating this question, while trying desperately to remember who it is that everyone keeps forgetting about. She follows along Sonic in an attempt to liberate her forest from Dr. Robotnik, but secretly, is attempting to seduce Sonic. On many occasions, Sally has many a time coveted Sonic's assorted bedwarmers/stalkers, and due to an indiscretion a number of years back, she was banished from the land forever, to wander from fan fiction to hideous fan fiction in search of consolement, recompense and comfort.

Vector the Crocodile

First appearance: Book of the Thirty-Second Cross

Vector the Crocodile was born of the Lord's attempts to please reptile lovers all over the world. When he (or she) was finished, the Lord said "There, you happy now?". Vector, left with no money and no purpose, went off to begin his detective agency/ band/ drug circle. Even though Vector wears headphones, he isn't listening to any music. Vector has been arrested on several occasions, once when he tried to make a million dollars off the President, and several times on publicly abusing women. When questioned by the authorities, his typical response is: "I was told to investigate them!". He is the leader of the Chaotix, and the reason he established that is to make people with brown eyes feel good about themselves and people with different color eyes feel bad. He only lets in people with brown eyes in, and he ate Mighty because he was wearing contacts. He says that Cream the rabbit, Charmy Bee, Espio, Chip (See Below), Little Lulu, Blaze, Silver, Pikachu Satsuki Kusakabe, Vanilla, and himself had the cutest chocolate brown eyes he's ever seen. He has found and shot Charmy's mother.

Espio the Chameleon

First appearance: Book of the Thirty-Second Cross

After the shameful arrest of Vector the Crocodile, the reptile lovers got angry again. The Lord, always trying to please the people, created the second reptile. He named him: Espio the Chameleon. Espio was created while the Lord was watching a kung-fu movie. And then the reptile lovers where happy again. But soon after Espio's creation, Espio got into drugs. Not your usual drugs like marijuana or heroin, but drugs like crystal meth and speed. These drugs gave Espio invisibility powers. So once again, the reptile lovers where angry (again). The were angered even further in Espio's two other failed attempts at stardom. And his affair with Mighty.

Charmy on a good day.

Charmy Bee

First Appearance: Book of The Thirty Second Cross

Charmy is a hyperactive bee child. Created by The Lord to appeal to retards who actually like that sort of thing. Vector kidnapped Charmy to force Charmy to work for him. He constantly interupts The other members of the group when talking, to with Vector responds by telling him to "shut the fuck up!" Vector tried to wipe out all the bees in Sonic 8 due to this.

Big the Cat

First appearance: First Book of Adventures

Big the Cat is a disgustingly fat mentally retarded anthropomorphic gassy and uglycat born into the Sonic universe after the Lord's big night out drinking. The resulting image was an abomination; his intellect was skewed in favor of obesity, body odor and Tourette's styled compulsion to say "Froogggiieeee...."

Sir Dr. Ivo 'Eggman' Robotnik, PhD, MA, BM

First appearance: Book of Sega Genesis

Sir Dr. Ivo Robotnik, PhD, MA, BM, formally known as Dr. Eggman, is the diabolical enemy of Sonic during most of his adventures. Created by Satan as a shape-shifting, obese, technological genius to take over the world, his attempts at world domination usually lead to millions of dollars of property damage and the loss of at least one of his robots. Although a mad scientist, Robotnik lacks the knowledge of common sense, in that he only launches one robot against Sonic rather than his full arsenal. He also has the tendency to create machines for his own use that present weaknesses easily to Sonic and his friends and can be destroyed by being hopped on 7 times.

Although Robotnik has been defeated by Sonic and his friends countless times, he continues to return and wreak havoc on Earth. Without a full-time job, Robotnik's income is generated through his various television broadcasts and books such as 'Cooking with 12w40 Oil - By Dr. Ivo Robotnik'.

"Duuude... The sun looks so far away."

Chip

First appearance: Third Book of Adventures

Last appearance: Third Book of Adventures

The most annoying of the Lord's creations has been shot, beaten, and raped by every person to listen to anything he has said. The Lord was very drunk when he came up with this fucker. His attributes include speech, lymphoma, scraping a fork against a chalkboard, eating, being bugger all to assist and the ability to create chocolate bars out of thin air and then shoot them at every one within a 100-mile radius while asking "Want some chocolate?". His chocolate related skill proved to be useful during the encounter with an evil monster by the name of "Dark Gaia." He also has a VERY annoying voice, so annoying that Japan delayed the game's release just to find a 5 year old that can drown out the 34 year old's 4kids dubbing. He was let into the Chaotix for his cute chocolate brown eyes and six-year-old build to match. He also turns out to be a god of some sort called, "Light Gaia," how he is able to do anything at all other than scrape a fork against a chalkboard, eat, be bugger all to assist and have the ability to create chocolate bars out of thin air is a mystery.

“Chip is a little annoying.”

Barack the Polar Bear

Apparently the first black polar bear

First appearance: Book of the Warriors

Apparently he's the first African American polar bear of the United States, but he wears a scarf and a beanie, which neither a polar bear should really need. He also isn't particularly black or at all bear-looking, but he's a bear and a black dude, I promise.

Bean the Dynamite

First appearance: Book of the Warriors

Despite the fact that Sonic the Hedgehog is a hedgehog, Cream the Rabbit is a rabbit, and Barack the Polar Bear is supposedly a polar bear, Bean the Dynamite is not actually a stick of dynamite. She's a duck. And actually a guy. Who throws dynamite at people. Which are bombs.

Nack the Weasel / Fang the Sniper

First appearance: Book of the Three Concerns

SEGA's and Archie comics underrated punchbag.

Her original, christian, Jesus loving form

Tikal the Echidna

First appearance: First Book of Adventures

God was getting a lot of praise when he made Tikal, so he made her look religious and originally named her Mary. But he was watching Pocahontas and visiting South America. So when he left the almost-finished creation some Mexican guy who turned her into a Dora the Explorerrip-off, so God reasoned with him and made her a South American princess and the village harlot.

E-123 Omega

First appearance: Book of Heroics

A robot with so many different sorts of guns it's ridiculous. He was a problem to everybody so they locked him away forever.

Bunnie Rabbot

First appearance: Book of the Sabbath Morning

A Cyber-Rabbit perpetually wearing clown whore makeup, this crime against Nature desperately wants a "one-eyed snake" to take her up the skirt. Unfortunately, her genitals eat people due to being cyber-converted by the Cybermen. Recently, Bunnie made for a special guess star on the Torchwood episode, "Cyberwoman", where she electrocuted Jack and tried to rape Ianto.

Shadow The Hedgehog

This section is a swarming mass of Vashta Nerada.
To avoid any fatalities, we recommend you to count the Shadows before editing this article.
Chaos...sleep.
Look! He's got a gun!

First appearance: The Second Book of Adventures

Shadow was bestowed upon Sonic by the Lord in the second book of adventures to up the emo factor and rake in the cash from fangirls on whom all the anime gods had begun to prey at the time. This was done in a rather sloppy manner, where a vague hedgehog shape was pulled together from black plasticine and a little bit of blood from the veins of anime's remaining integrity, and the resulting plasticiney, bloody mess was thrown at the market like shit to a wall, and it... stuck... with... a...

similar...

WAIT A SECOND!

Doesn't this article already have a Shadow section?

...oh shit...

Hey, WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?!

Cosmo the Plant Thing

Cosmo

First Appearance: Book of the Four Child Cross

Cosmo is a strange plant thing that is a ripoff of Kirlia the Pokemon. She was violated by Tails on numerous occasions.

Princess Elise

First Appearance: Book of Horrors

The very mannish princess that has furry fetishes. Though she had originally tried out for a role in Final Fantasy XXXIX, she was rejected by the heathenous Devil, and the Lord, in his blindness, took her unto his bosom, and set her upon his most trusted servant Sonic. The ensuing chaos and panic led to untold misery and destruction, rivalled only by The Great Fur War. The Lord, upon regaining his infinite wisdom, struck down the beast, and caused an array of events so confusing that it led to the disintegration of the time period in which it was said to occur.

Maria Robotnik

First Appearance: Second Book of Adventures

Saint Maria is a young girl with blonde hair. Living on Noah's Space Colony Ark, she suffered from the leprosy of the beggars and was very weak. Her grandfather, Pope Gerald Robotnik I, created Shadow, who was bestowed upon by the Lord as a companion for her. Sadly the Philistine GUN Agents stormed the Ark and killed everyone in it. The Pope was deposed, and Saint Maria was burned at the stake, but not before being guided by the Lord to release Shadow to the Earth. This turn of events caused Shadow to go into a spiral of dispair, screaming out the name of thy Saint Maria everywhere he went.

Tails Doll

First Appearance: Book of the Pirate's Favorite Letter

Do you want to play with me?

See also

  • Why?:Punch Chris Thorndyke in the face
Sonic the Hedgehog characters

Amy Rose - Chaos - Dr. Robotnik - Mephiles the Dark - Metal Sonic - Prof. Gerald Robotnik - Rouge the Bat - Sonic the Hedgehog - Sonic the Preggo - Sonnet the Hedgehog - Tails the Straight - Minor Characters


This article uses material from the "List of Sonic Characters Nobody's Ever Heard Of" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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