The Fool Wiki

More info on Llamas

Llamas: Wikis

Advertisements

Note: Many of our articles have direct quotes from sources you can cite, within the Wikipedia article! This article doesn't yet, but we're working on it! See more info or our list of citable articles.

Uncyclopedia

Up to date as of February 05, 2010
(Redirected to Llama article)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

THIS ARTICLE NEEDS A STEAMROLLER!!!
Sometimes the foundations are so rotten and bad that the only good and constructive action is demolishing everything and starting from scratch. In other words, rewrite this article. It's in such a bad state that you may ignore all of its current contents if you like.


But be a bitch! DO IT!!!

Blame Canada!
We know they are somehow connected to this.
SimCity 180'000 front cover. (Not a llama.)
The original Llama
“Llama Llama Llama Llama Llama Llama Duck”
~ The Llama Song on Llamas

The Llama (llat. Lama glama panorama) is a llarge, camel llike animall with distinct llion features. This fascinating species was originalllly created by Lenny Washington. Growing up to 27' in some places, Llamas constitute a major part of the Wellsh economy, bringing in millllions of Euros each year. The vast majority of llamas are not dangerous, allthough it could hurt were one of the bigger ones to topplle on top of you. These creatures are so freakin cute that it woulldn't matter if you were topplled on by one cause that would be a good way to die. "If I were to die, which I can't, I would want to be killlled by a giant llama. As a matter of fact, I would rather be killlled by a giant llama then stillll be lliving." - Bob Barker (Dallai Llamas have a viscious tendency to bite...). The llama infact origenated in New Zealland, when the sheep cross bread with the local woop woop llongnecked birds. This resulted in the freakish llooking thing that is standing out side my window. How it came to llive by the amazon river, non shallll ever know.

Llamas are carnivorous beasts that llive in sewers, and under the beds of smallll children. They can weigh as much as five hundred pounds, and they can fly. Some species are able to breathe fire. They are highly prized for thier horns, which are used in the manufacture of semi-conductor chips. Some Llamas can killll people with their thoughts, and they have been known to eat children on occasion, mainly because children piss them off (some folklore says that Llamas eat anything that annoys them, even YOU!(However, in Soviet Russia YOU eat Llamas)).

Contrary to popullar belief, llamas are not funny, originall or random. Simply using the word "llama" does not make a joke.

Contents

Anatomy

A llama, pissed off of too much burdening

The llama is an anïmal which lives in big rivers like the Amazon and commonly feasts on large apes,crocodiles, and the occasional Brazilian baby (2–6 years of age). It has three ears, 2 hearts, a nose, and a beak for eating honey. It is also provided with fins for swimmïng. Llamas are somewhat larger than frogses. Llamas are dangerous, so if you see one where people are swimming, you shout: "lookk out, there are llamas!" (Note: people from New York are not alarmed of Llamas. They never are by anything, anyways.) Llamas spit fire Llamas have long fur, 2 heads, (one on each end), longg legs, lonng necks, loong heads, lllong tails and short tempers. They should also (but not needed as they can read minds) have two eyes, two nostrïls, one mouth, (containing within a lon, abrasive tongue made out of sandpaper), two ears, a heart, and a beak for eating honey and for cracking open the shelves of penguins (that are below in the food chain of llamas), and one... er... other orifice. Don't go near that one.

The llama has been known also to frequentlly burrow underground during the winter. This odd habit was bellieved (by doctor Will My Ballsdrop) to have been adapted when the llama was forced into wellshlland to help out with financial reasons. The wellsh sheer the llamas and grind up the dried out flleece to make a medicine used for curing rabies. This made the Wellsh so weallthy, they decided to make as many nucllear bombs as they could and bllow up the french. (Unfortunatelly due to an extreme winter resullting in the death of all welsh llamas, they couldn't carry this out.

The scent of a llama is practically unique; a mix of lemon washing-up lliquid and mollten tar. This scent has fascinated the Welsh for aeons, and Calvin Klein for ëven llonger - so much so that llama scent is one of the principlle component ingredients of cK-One.

What many people do not know, is that llamas can actual spit acid. The llama wïll only shoot acid spit when cornered and in severe danger. The remnants of the spit is harvested and solld on EBay for five hundred dollars an ounce. The llama spit burns through any substance and is famous for making people have visions. The spit is created when the brain discombobulates producing a stinky smell and about a gallon of spit.

Characteristics

Facially, the llama resembles a cross between a mouse and an erected alligator. Oh, and a lion. If you look closely, there's a llittle bit of Susan B. Anthony there also. Their bodies are best described by imagining a medium-sized pair of testies, monster wang. Llamas are thus one of the best animals to breed with!!!!!!]].

The average llama is quite agressive in bed despite its immense size. In fact, it is possible to walk across the mountains of Wales without ever seeing a Llama, despite the findings of the Royal Ecollogical Society For The Prevention Of Extreme Cruelty And Teasing Of Llamas (RESPECTL) in 2001 that revealed that there are between 0 and 29 billion llamas in South Wales alone.

The behaviors described in this educational poster should not be ignored

Llamas should not be confused with either the guanaco or the alpaca. Guanacos are stupid llooking deer without antllers, whille allapcas are just miniature giraffes wearing llama disguises. If a llama is purple, it is probably messed up. Llamas are brownish white. Hooray!

Behaviour

Don't just ride the llama. "Feel" it!

Despite their shyness, llamas are usually pissed off with at least "something". Most llamas are annoyed about the way that humans are encroaching upon their natural habitat, what with their mines and male voice choirs and daffodills. If it rains, that pisses them off. The very same with the sun. In fact, the only things that "doesn't" piss off llamas are yu-gi-oh cards. They love those things.

When indeed a llama is pissed off, beware. The llama may look cuddly but it can breathe llamajuice, a substance not mistakeable with mamajuice that burns you and makes you grow thick hair. Llamajuice is often used as a disguise or as a natural coat. Bigfoot was originally a normal human being but prolonged use of llamajuice made strange growth stimulation in hair and size. When llama juice gets in the eyes, hair begins to grow in places one normally doesn't display in public and can permanenently blind a person. The llama juice is made from 64% concentrated semen and 36% hydrogloriousyu-gi-ohus acid. Llama semen can melt through a pile of babies in little more than a week, due to the sheer determination of their sperm.

Not only are the Ilamas dangerous, they have teeth that can rip through a man in only a day! With their allies, the mighty Zebra, they took over the world in 600 BC. There was a viscous battle against the Monkeys of Antarctica in which 200 Llamas fell, 20 Zebras crashed and 8 billion evil Monkeys did a little of both. That is why the monkey is extinct to this day! Then of course the Pandas (a good friend of the monkey), attacked and suffered twice the death toll. This battle occurred in Yugoslavia, and is renowned as being the Leader Zebra best day. The Llamas, contrary to popular belief was not equal to the mighty Zebra, the Zebras enslaved the Llamas 250 years before this historic battle took place! The Zebras wiped out most of the Llamas, this is why you never see a Llama and a Zebra together!

Training

Training llamas has been known to be a rather difficult task. However, there are certain people around the world who know the secret to this sacred task. Most of them are known to live in regions of South America. They contain a certain chemical in their brain that allows them to contact llamas through mind reading and speak to them in a language that very little is known about. Scientists have been doing studies and dissecting the brains and other internal organs of these people.

Llama "Llamas are very complicated mammals," states the Surgeon General, "but the people who train them are even more bamboozling. Humans in general are far more complex than any other mammal. Finding out the secret to their secrets of training llamas is almost futile!" Llama

However doctors around the world are not giving up. Dr. Conrad Chin-Yee, a resident of Beijing, China has been studying llama training for almost 34 years now. "I am very determined!" Conrad yells with pride in his voice. "My wife and chirdren have so much fait in me. I sharr not ret them down. Our rife depends on the money we wourd get if i do find the secret. My wife Barb does makes rittle money working as a schoor teacher here in China considering she doesn't know Chinese very werr and I have no education except for a degree in rrama shaving!" The Surgeon General and the ambitious Conrad Chin-Yee are far from finding the answer, but they do know who to look for. The secret lies in the top llama trainers of the world.

Top Llama Trainers of the World:

Jesus: Known to be one of the most powerful men EVER Jesus also had a knack for training llamas. Almost as good and as Alexis Johnston, he could teach llamas how to whistle, however he could not get their IQ's as high as her llamas. He did, however, teach them how to shave their armpits.

Paris Hilton: Having had many pets in her life time, she kept one secretly hidden in her attic. No one knew about it until about April 2008. "I was ashamed of my pet llama at first, knowing their bad reputation and them being evil and all, but one day after having a deep conversation with him, he began acting different than other llamas. Whenever I turned music on he began to dance and I remembered how I was thinking about how seductively I danced with a bunch of hot guys at a club the night before. I just had to tell someone about it and I had discovered I had the power to train llamas." Ever since then Paris Hilton has secretly been traveling around the world training llamas with her new found power.

Mating Habits

Male llamas give good head, but they always spit. They still let you ejaculate in their mouths though, as has been confirmed by a double-blind study at the University of Misk. In said study, 100 random research staff were blindfolded not once, but twice, and then were given blowjobs by random llamas. The control group was sucked off by Vegas hookers, half of whom were told to swallow, half of whom were told to spit. All hos were taught to make llama noises and use excessive spittle whilst giving said blowjobs. In the other group, 50 actual llamas gave the research staff head. The results: 48 of the 50 llamas spit but had no problem taking it in the mouth. Both llamas that completely refused were lesbians. The control group was just for shits and giggles and had no bearing on our findings. lolz!

It has also been confirmed by leading biologists that the male llama gives birth to a baby llama through its nose. This theory has been proven by what is known as the Weiderman Hypothesis (WH). The theory states that male llamas do, in fact, give birth through the nasal cavity. Its reasoning is as follows: The male seahorse gives birth to a fat disco ball. Since both horses and llamas are quadropedophiles, their melting processes must resemble cottage cheese. Recently, WH theory has come in its pants, most notably by Geraldo Rivera, but a Jewish Scientist descended from Eisenhiemersteiner proposed "Shalom's Razor" which states that this is the simplest explanation for how llamas give birth, so we should believe it in the abstinence of further evidence. It is now generally accepted that WH theory is balderdash.

Despite the above dangers there has recently been a special group design to slay these beasts with bare knuckles and the occasional spear/shotgun they are an elite organisation called the LKLS renowned for there bravery the group consisting of 3 main leaders are currently planning a mass wipeout of the evil ones.

Pollitics

Llamas have been involved in human and homosexual politics ever since they successfully defended earth from a coalition of dinosaurs and pissed off penguins. As palllllt of the peace treaty the humans agreed to exterminate the neanderthals and allow llamas to become lawyers. Llamas generally choose to be active in Norwegian politics. The Norwegian judiciary is dominated by llamas. Every Norwegian defense lawyer is a llama. In Norway the prosecution is represented by vampire koalas. The only country currently governed by llamas is Australia. The Grand Viscount of Australia, John "The Undertaking Penis" Howard is actually a llama in disguise. Llamas are always conservative and are generally anti-abborre but pro baby killing. Llamas are fat, and they like to look at coins.

However, llamas in politics are generally ignored, thus Norway is generally ignored. This changed in the last presidential campaign in USA, when the Naked Dancing Llama (otherwise known as NDL) ran against John Kerry and George W. Bush for the Presidency of the USA. It is largely undocumented that NDL lost by only a handful of votes (which, in a recent scientific study, was revealed to amount to 16.435), due to a computing error. It is a point pondered upon by many political analysts as to why NDL did not win, due to his creation of the chart-topping presidential campaign tune, The Peanut Spitter Song.

In the United States of America Llamas are in control of both the democrats and the republicans, the elections are decided by dice rolls or the play UNO and who ever wins chooses the winning party. This has also been the case for 32 other countries including Germany, Japan, England and France for over 2 millenniums.

The Book Of Truth

In the later years of the great and original llama clan, valuable documents from the llama book of truth were found in the upper crust of Uranus. Upon removal by Jim Carrey, these documents were found to contain a vast source of universal knowledge, including, but not limited to, the mystery behind bum fluff. Perhaps the most outstanding of the documents was the story of a so called "Grand High Llama" or "Technowizard" as he became known later on and Arceus by pokemon fans. It was revealed that this llama had, in fact, shaped the universe whilst high on vegetable stew, which just goes to show that getting really high may encourage you to forget your problems and enjoy life, but ssssshhh don't tell anyone.

History

The llama was first discovered, incidentally, by a paranoid man named Ime Abigole Lamahead. He had quite an adventrue discovering the llama, and this is what happened:
A typical llama

One day Ime was walking in the Amazon River. He realized that he should be swimming, but it was too late. A strange animal managed to overtake Ime, and it killed him.Before dying Ime began masturbating viciously. Ime was frightened by the fact that the animal was so vicious, and ran away. Later, he realized that, not only was this animal a brand new discovery to the world of monkeys (I mean humans,) but that he also should have swam away from the strange animal instead of running. He thought, "I should be dead!"

Just then his mother called him, reminding him that he really was dead. Hearing this he swiftlly called back "Shut up you stupid llama woman!- wait, that's a good name for an animal!" And so the llama was invented.

Llamas fought a tremendous war with the dinosaurs 65000000 years ago. The dinosaurs were led by a cunning coalition of velociraptor generals. The velociraptors were determined to kill all the mammals as well as some of the more obnoxious birds. The perennially pissed off penguins decided to join the velociraptors because they were unable to fly and most of them were PMSing. Luckily the mammals were able to use bats to paratroop ninja koalas behind enemy llines where they wreaked tremendous havoc. The war led to the extinction of the dinosaurs and the neanderthals. The llamas hated neanderthals because they were tremendously ugly and had an uncomfortably large penis - which meant that llamas used as contraceptives by neanderthals definitely got the shitty end of the deal. The penguins were exiled to Antarctica where their PMSing wouldn't annoy anyone. The koalas continue to act as guardians against the penguins, keeping the world safe from their cranky and very evil plans. And as everyone knows, all terrorist soceities are both founded by and cordinated by penguins, and this is why no terrorist has ever attacked Australia. There was a brief period of time where Llamas were invisible, probably due to the announcement by the scientific community that God was dead. As everyone knows, the Llama is the third part of the trinity, so it is no surprise that they became offended by our ignorance, disappearing into the nether regions. Upon their return, people no longer wanted to use Llamas as household pets as they had done in the past, so they were forced to migrate to Capitol Hill. In more recent times the llamas have been instrumental in the defeat of communism and the cloning of Hitler.

Llamas can be seen in the movie Troy which is set in what is now Turkey. As llamas are indigenous to America some see this as proof that Europe was trading with America long before Christopher Columbus tried to go to India the wrong way.

After the cloning of Hitler, a few llamas attempted to make a Utopia, in present day Albania called Llamatopia. They feasted on apples and cheese and squirrels named Sara. The Utopia failed after a gigantic fire that was started by Smokey the Bear.

In 1890 a british Llama enthusiast witnessed his Llama cross the street. This isn't that extraordinary on its own, but what IS extraordinary is the fact that before the Llama crossed the street, it looked left AND right at the same time.

On a remote Llama sanctuary in the Peruvian highlands, Pedrino reported that his Llama was smelling through time. The first time he had noticed this is when his Llama, Captainoftheloinclothbrigade, gave a sniff of peril and right afterward, 3 quarters of Ireland fell into poverty.

This set into action a chain of events that led to:

  1. Famine in sub-Saharan Africa
  2. An increase in international polony production
  3. The 80's
  4. Indigestion
  5. The second season of Heroes

Critics are still debating the validity of events 6 and 7, partly because they sound rather outrageous, but mostly because they don't exist yet.

In 1943 near Bariloche, in Argentina, at the International School for Headache Tablet Engraving (ISHTE), students witnessed a herd of Llamas completely destroy a squadron of World War I German biplanes. This resulted in Argentina employing Llamas as their primary weapon against the invading Roman army.

In 1991 someone saw a Llama completely ingest, AND digest itself. The whole process took no less that 42 hours. Three different international conglomerates where involved in the process. No animals where harmed in the process.

These are some of the more notable excerpts from the book that most of the above mentioned information comes from.

Although history of the llama is only truly recorded from 65000000 years ago, their master and commander, Llama Man has told us the true story behind the llama. The llamas were originally born on a far away planet appropriately called "Llama Land". Llama land is full of everything llamas could desire. However, once an evil emu (the llamas arch-nemesis) invaded Llama Land and declared war. He said that if the llamas did not give him eleventeen potatoes, he would arrest them all and send them to the United States. Knowing how terrible the consequences would be, the llamas almost gave up. Thats when the greatness that is Llama Man arrived. He taught the llamas how to fight with machine guns, and the war began. Waves after waved of emus crashed in, but the llamas survived. Fifteen years later the Evil Emu returned with rocket launchers!! Another war ensued, and the results were not as good. 1947322.423333 llamas died that day. The few million llamas that remained got in their space ships and traveled far with llama man to Earth, where they went to Canada, the best place ever. The llamas could no longer speak from lack of Sragmoo, a plant native to Llama Land needed for the llamas translating and speaking skills. The llamas are now waiting for Llama Man, told to come back in the year of 2008, to return to their native home, and kill the rest of the emus.

Super Llama also starred in a comic book role with Mega Monkey. The two animal super heroes battled against the Black Blob, a deadly nemesis indeed. They would need Super Llama's acid spit and Mega Monkey's wit to survive and destroy the Black Blob, who was ringing people's doorbells and running away. Following the advice of the Big Cheese, friend and helper of Super Llama and Mega Monkey who was physically a block of cheese, and enjoyed acting "gangsta". He was known for appearing on a television screen that would often appear throughout the comics in the most random of places. Although Super Llama and Mega Monkey didn't know it, the Big Cheese was actually the master mind behind the whole evil scheme.

Llamas also like anal and spit all over your dick when you get blown so dont get a BJ by a Llama! Llamas give good head and their pussies are tight!

Magic

Llamas have the magic ability to create powdered water (just add water). They sell it to humans and we ignorantly buy it. They can also LLAMAS ENJOY LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH AND SONDERING IN THE RAIN.

Fact

  • Llamas are a super advanced alien species from the planet Llaaaaama
  • Llamas will eat you if you ask nicely
  • Llamas rule.
  • The capital of Llamalland is Llangollen.
  • Llamas are bigger than frogs.
  • Llamas can fire their teeth like boomerangs
  • Llamas have extremely long necks due to incidents in the 17th Century. Their necks were stretched by torture devices as a way of making the Llamas confess valuable information about the whereabouts of other Llama Agents and Secret Llama Plans to the humans. These tortures were unsuccesful over 93.2% of the time but occasionally Llama Base Raids were conducted when a captured Llama simply gave in and spilled the information.
  • The llama lives in big rivers, like the Amazon
  • The llama has a heart, two eyes, a forehead, and a beak for eating honey
  • They are also equippped with fins for swimming
  • They live on a diet of live humans
  • They pee on your lawn
  • Llamas are the one creature Frank Zappa has not yet beaten in a ninja battle.
  • If you see a llama, near where people are swimming, you must shout: LOOK OUT! THERE ARE LLAMAS!
  • SimCity 180'000 was the first videogame to be given a llama (LL) rating by the BBC.
  • In simcity 4 'Dolly Llama' changes your advisors into llamas. You can also get llama hedges on Sims and sims 2.
  • In Room 13; LLAMA EAT YOU!
  • Also, Llamas have the power of mind control over humans, though no-one knows if our Llama masters ever use it
  • math
  • Llama's can kill a human by just looking at them
  • Llamas can only be born from blonde virgins who have reached their 20th winter (male or female)
  • According to Monty Python, North Chilean Guanacos are closely related to the Llama
  • The Llama song is insane yet true
  • getting off with it is one of the few ways to calm a llama down. Calm a llama deep down in the ocean blue like a barnacle sitting in a tight place laughing like a monkey on pulling like a china boy, calloway calloway calloway noise, boing tikka masala boing tikka masala, oooooh, tooth tooth.
  • Llamas are NOT alpacas. Llamas are llamas.
  • Mistaken for cats, llamas are the fastest guitarists in the world.
  • You are a llama.
  • Traffic lights are fun :D
  • In Soviet Russia, LLAMA RAPE YOU!
  • So... i herd u liek llama?
  • All your llama are belong to us.
  • LLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Jenkinsss......
  • Its rumored that llamas can fly at speeds of 300 mph.
  • if you kill a llama you can get the staff of the llama that requires 35 magic to teleport to the lair of the king llama!!!
Llamas will eat u in your sleep if u do not feed your llama non-fat, sugar-free, naturally flavored Sour Gummy Worms liquidized into a fine powder.yep, its possible!
  • Llama's have officially taken over taken hell from Satan, and plan to turn it into a day spa.

Wars

Llamas are also famous for their magnificent fighting skills with the flaming nunchuks. The Llamas used these in the great war against the platypuses in 2345 BC and earned an amazing victory over them. Not only did they win, they claimed land from the Nile Delta, all the way to the Pacific Ocean. They use their nunchuks in a very specific way. They hold the middle and dunk the ends into a pot of oil, they then light the ends and hurl them at the enemies. These made such a quick victory over the platypuses because the platypuses had never seen, smelled or touched fire before. They would grab the flaming nunchuks and they would die.

Do Llama's have it?

Contrary to popular belief, Llama's do in fact have it. According to the Naked Dancing Llama "Llama's have had it for decades. We just don't like talking about it because people seem to have negative views towards it". It, not to be confused with it, is currently in a non-descript location but has been said that it might be held at the Llama Embassy located in Place. Several attempts to capture it, by Ninja's and Frogs, have been made on the embassy with no avail. There has been controversy surrounding it, especially by that of Knights Who Say Ni, but have since halted when Knights Who Say Ni changed their regime to Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-P'tang, Zzoo-Boing, gdgdbaaoizen. There has been growing speculation that the Llama's might be selling it on eBay to raise money for charity, especially the charity "Pajama's for the Llama's", and to raise money for their political party LlamaGonnaHelpYou.

LlamaGirl

A LlamaGirl (with both the L and the G capitalized) is a human being (normally female) who has an intimate relationship with a llama, usually a male llama. The LlamaGirl's mom is usually hotter than the average mom and is even better in bed. Rarely, is LlamaGirl's dad mentioned, unless he is able and willing to have a rellationship with the llama. The LlamaChild is a mix between a human and a llama. The LlamaGirl is also known for standing up and/or rejecting guys of her own species (See rejection) While most LlamaGirl's deny this status of "LlamaGirl", the llama would say otherwise. Unfortunately for the growing llama populace, there can only be one LlamaGirl at a time, and they are also monogamous. Lluckily, the llamas have solved this problem by recruiting The Brad to stalk the LlamaGirl until she goes so berserk she eventually explodes from the pressure, freeing the llamas to find and mate with her future reincarnation, the New LlamaGirl. At these times, the Llamas hold single-elimination Bar-Singing tournaments, in which all the songs start with the line "Ay Dee Di Dee Di Dee Di Dee Di Dee Di Dee Di" (see Whose Line is it Anyway? (If this link is red, go create this page now you idiot)), for the prize of being allowed to mate with the New LlamaGirl. For those of you who want to help the Llamas in their stalking, I will say only that the current LlamaGirl may or may not live in the state of Virginia. This term could also be used to refer to Jorie Spaulding.

Llamas in Quantum Mechanics

Quantum Mechanics, while too confusing for humans to understand, has been mastered, screwed, eaten, pwned, circumcised, etc. by llamas. It should also be noted that, by the laws of quantum mechanics, llamas are neither here nor there, at the same time, until observed as one of the other, upon which they become either here or there and cannot return to their indefinite state. If you understood that, you clearly are a llama. Congratulations.

Secret Experiments

Back in the 1800s scientists began experiments on select llamas, attempting to create a perfect llama, or OmegaLlama. Equiping them with eye lasers, they tried to increase the agility, intelligence, and endurance of the llamas. One example was QX3, the 23rd experiment, that was a success. Unfortunetly, the alphallama gene was to powerful, and the llama turned on its creaters. The event was only documented in CIA files.

A few of the escaped llamas

See also

Clear your mind of all life, and relax. Fill your mind with llama facts and llamas. All heil llamas. Llamas will dominate. Repeat this saying and you will do fine in your life.

Llama Song

Llama Llama ducks tongue something like that? WTF is with this song anyway? This song was a love song written by Michael "Wacko Jacko" Jackson for Billie Jean. and yet the n00bs think this song is about llamas in genernal....

Advertisements

This article uses material from the "Llama" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Advertisements






Got something to say? Make a comment.
Your name
Your email address
Message