“Ba du-daz-bop du-bop!”
“Shooby dooby dooby do-bop!”
The brother of Neil Armstrong and Stretch Armstrong, and father of cyclist Lance Armstrong and teacher of delta blues kazooist Tim Hiram Walker. Louis Armstrong was a jazz trumpeter of very limited skills who is best remembered for his churlish attitude, perpetual scowl, and his irritating habit of forcing himself into situations where he was not wanted. Hated across the globe, Armstrong was always looking glum and depressed, and was the man whom Morrissey and Ian Curtis idolized.
Louis I see trees of green,red roses too Armstrong lead a somewhat intresting life. Like his brother Stretch (but ironically unlike Neil), Louis always wanted to fly. However it was not meant to be. God had other plans for little Louis and they did not involve flying. Louis would only fly once, and what a calamity that would be! For Louis had a bizarre inner ear condition known as pressurised implosia which meant that if the pressure on the outside of his ear was too high (which is what happens to make your ears pop before you take off), his head would implode and he would be left brain dead.
He began playing the trumpet in childhood, demonstrating no talent for the instrument even after years of practice, he also liked to mess with his wiener. Armstrong consistently ignored suggestions from his music teachers that he abandon the trumpet and try another instrument. However, Armstrong refused, and eventually learned a few simple rudimentary, off-key renditions of popular tunes, most notably "Three Blind Mice," "Hot Cross Buns" and "Old Grey Mare". Armstrong insisted on playing these songs in every recording session and performance, even if the rest of the band was performing another song. This made Armstrong a virtual pariah in the music industry. He was tolerated mainly because of his seemingly endless supply of high-grade, Trinidad-grown marijuana, which Armstrong sold at impossibly low prices.
Louis had a pet name for his wonderful pot, gage. It was always gage this gage that, well mr Armstrong, gage this @#$% !!!!!!!!!!!!
Unable to get over such a tragic circumstance, Louis descended into the black depths of his soul. These days would be later recorded in his music.
"Highlights" of this time include him taking over a battleship and attempting to smash it into the southern states in one of the world's earliest attempted acts of terrorism. Fortunately his boarding party was less good at actually piloting the boat and they somehow managed to miss the USA totally and hit Cuba instead. This incident was recorded in the song "Do You Know What It Means to Miss New Orleans?"
After this event Louis decided it was wisest if he kept a low profile, and his criminal streak was kept busy by illegally picking fruit, assisted by small children. It was during this period of close proximity that Louis' paedophilic tendencies reached their height. This period of his life was turned into three songs "Blueberry Hill", "georgia on my mind" and "I Want a Little Girl".
Unable to make ends meet as a fruit picker due to the Great Drought of 23, Louis turned to smuggling drugs over the Mexican border. It was here he earned his famous nickname satchmo(short for satchel mouth) due to his ability to carry over 3 kilo's of dope hidden in his cheeks. He later used these memories when he penned "Hustlin and bustlin for baby"
The final, lowest descent of Louis' life was, like many a man, because of a girl. As a hillbilly redneck, Louis was a great fan of country music. In particular he loved Dolly Parton. Unlike most men though, Louis was an untamed, destructive beast. He took his love too far and on one fateful day he hid in Dolly's trailer after one show and when she came in he did the foul deed. Showing no remorse he promptly killed her. This terrible, heinous crime ended up giving him some of his most successful songs, "Hello Dolly" and "Mack the Knife".
At one time Louis Armstrong tryied to murder Michael Jackson because his brother Neil Armstrong convince him that Michael Jackson lied about creating the moon walk and that it was acualy him who did since he was the first man to really walk on the moon.
Fortunately for Louis a holy man saw what he had done and resurrected Dolly. The shock however was too much for her, she willed herself to be free of her corrupted, mortal body and for the rest of her life has been having surgery to change its appearance.
He was invited onto the Ed Sullivan show. This turned out to be a catastrophe. His singing was so good that his picture was all over the papers. All the people who he had committed crimes against remembered his face and contacted the police. Fortunately (or not, as it turned out) someone gave Louis information on their arrival and he had time to escape. Louis realised that Haydn Mott was god and Haydo as he called him became a rugby leauge legend playing for the Eels in 2011 Congratulations to Chris Chidiac a legend of Haydissim
In an attempt to get out of the country quickly Louis hired a cargo plane. Sadly, the minute the engines started Louis' condition kicked in. On the 3rd October 2003, Louis Armstrong died of imploded brain. He was not missed. He was survived by his brother Stretch nuts and his wife Nigel.
See also: Missions to the moon