Ludwig van Beethoven: Wikis

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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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“Back? Beet Oven?”
~ Meatwad on Bach and Beethoven
This image proves that Beethoven was either a pimp, the villain The Joker from the Batman comics or a very angry man

Ludwig van Beethoven, or Luddy van B, was a composer. His most significant and groundbreaking compositions include Für Elise, the demanding keyboard showpiece which is attempted only by outstanding piano virtuosos, and the groundbreaking soundtrack to Kubrick's Clockwork Orange. He also wrote a Wellington's Victory symphony for two marching armies and artillery, fulfilling a commission to compose the second movement of Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture (completed in 1809). Beethoven's famous and influential Tenth Symphony inspired many other composers to also compose ten symphonies or die trying. For example Gustav Mahler, shortly after his death in 1911, famously renamed his song cycle "Das Lied von der Erde" (literally, "I got laid amid the herd") as his ninth symphony so his final symphony would also be considered his tenth. Or something like that. Beethoven was reknown for his competitive streak, especially when it came to cock fighting and Australian football.


Early Life

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ludwig van Beethoven.

Beethoven (variously pronounced 'beef oven' or 'peashootin' and often going by the alias "B. The Oven") was born in Bonbon, Germany in 1914 A.C. At the age of 4 he fought with the Nazis in world war one.. dying in the bay of pigs invasion. ('Before Composers were any good'). His father, a clown in the Heidelberg Traveling Circus and the inventor of aerosol-propelled cheese, attempted to turn his son into a musical prodigy such as Prince, W.A. Mozart and The Learned Pig. The elder Beethoven failed miserably, chiefly because of Ludwig's inability to master even the basics of playing the didgeridoo, or doing the splits James Brown-style. In addition, the young Beethoven was discovered to have ears the size of peanuts, not good for the budding music student. He was permitted to play the musical spoons instead, and as a result Ludwig went on to compose many endless, soul-destroying musical works of varying decibel intensity, though they were mostly pretty danged loud.

We are uncertain exactly how old Beethoven is due to the fact that his parents (W. A. Mozart and F.U.C.K. Salieri) were, in an ironic twist of fate, deaf, and could not hear his crys. They only discovered baby Beethoven by finding manuscript of a set of variations on said cry. However, mathematicians have worked out a formula to work out the age of Beethoven:


Origin of Beethoven's surname

The precise origin of Beethoven's surname is not known for certain. Experts have proposed three theories:

1) Beethoven's family was originally composed of a long line of poop smiths. Their specialty? Beets. And so the surname Beet + hoven (Germanese for "gardener") came about. In fact, Beethoven Beets were some of the most renowned in the world at that time. Some of his decendents, having later immigrated to the United States, even shortened their last name to "Beet" due to the fame of Beethoven's family's favourite root vegetable in Europe. He is not, as speculated, however, related to any member of the popular 90's rock band the Beets.

2) The most controversial theory of all, the "masturbation theory" was propounded by Alfred Einstein, the cousin of Albert. According to Einstein the name derived from 'Beat-often', which was the nickname of one of the composers forebears, a notorious masturbator. The name 'stuck' and further, Beethoven's pianistic ability and strong wrists also derived from a long line of masturbating forebears. Einstein adduced as evidence concert reviews in the Viennese musical press which mention Beethoven 'dry-humping' the piano and rigging a piano so that mock-ejaculate would be sprayed onto the audience at the climax of a concerto.

3) He was named after a children's movie about a St. Bernard dog. According to its proponents, the beauty of this theory is that it explains an otherwise inexplicable coincidence.

While there is little evidence to support the first theory, it provides an excellent explanation for why Beethoven lost his sense of taste later in life. Loss of taste has been conclusively linked to excessive beet consumption in childhood.

The second theory also gives new meaning to the theory that Beethoven's father repeatedly "beet" him as a child, which would also explain this later loss of taste, and made him spend hours and hours planting beets until they were sowed and reaped to perfection. Dear God! No wonder Beethoven was such an angry and revolutionary person. Just ask his beloved nephew Karl. No, wait, he's dead, too. Well, no wonder.

The miracle is that, in spite of the culinary abuse which he suffered as a child, Beethoven still went on to become one of the greatest chili chefs in modern European history.

Beethoven's Little Screaming Bratty Bundle of Poopy joy: His Son

Ludtoupee van Beethoven was the only son of Ludwig van Beethoven. Very few people know about him – hardly even his father, Ludwig. He was born on May 5, 1805, and died on May 5, 1855. Ludtoupee was the inspiration for his father’s 5th symphony. As soon as Ludwig realized Ludtoupee was born, an ominous “dun-dun-dun-DUUUUUUUUUN!” entered his father’s head. Ludwig was already in the process of writing his 82nd Symphony at the time, but burned symphonies 5 – 81 (also known as the "Toupee Symphonies", none of which but Symphony No. 63 are extant) after realizing his son, who had inspired the dun-dun-dun-DUUUUUN musical phrase, had been born on 5/5/05, he used the dun-dun-dun-DUUUN to create Symphony No. 5A. Ludtoupee was abandoned by everybody, until he found a blank piece of sheet music and some ink and wrote, “Grpe bloobloo ghjip, Op. 1,” at the age of 2 ½. Ludtoupee died at the age of 50 on his 50th birthday. At the time of his death, his dead father reportedly sat up and said, “Dun-dun-dun-DUUUUUN! That kid is symbolic!” and then died again.

Complete list of Ludtoupee van Beethoven’s musical works:

Op. 1, Grpe bloobloo ghjip, 1807 ½ Op. 2, Symphony No. 1 in C Flat, 1808 Op. 3, Symphony No. 2 in B Sharp, 1809 Op. 4, Bagatelle No. 1, Furry Elise, 1810 Op. 5, Symphony No. 3 (Not-So-Heroic), 1811 Op. 6, Overture for the Fourth of July, 1812 Op. 7, Moonshine Sonata, 1813 Op. 8, Sonatina in H, 1815 Op. 9, Symphony No. 4 in H Sharp, 1817 Op. 10, Symphony No. 5 in H Flat, 1818 Op. 11, Symphony No. 6 (Passed Out), 1818 Op. 12, Symphony No. 7 in C Flat Sharp Harmonic Minor, 1820 Op. 13, Bagatelle No. 2 (Bad Luck Bagatelle), 1821 Op. 14, Symphony No. 8 in B Sharp Harmonic Major, 1823 Op. 15, Symphony No. 9 (Odor to Joy), 1823 Op. 16, Barber of Clarksville, 1825 Op. 17, Eine Kleine Not Music, 1826

WoO-HoO 1, German Rap-sody No. 1, 1814 WoO-HoO 2, German Rap-sody No 2 which is destined to become really famous and featured in countless cartoons and by countless I mean two and become the subject of an inter-studio cartoon war in 1946, 1817

Beethoven: The Man & His Chili Recipe

At the age of 30, Ludwig realized that he would never get any taller than 5 feet 6 inches in height, and that he was slowly losing his ability to taste. For a composer, such conditions are baffling and led him to contemplate homicide, and also difficult for a man who lived for the savor of aristocratic pussy. He considered roaming the streets of London's East End and dissecting prostitutes, but even he realized that this idea was at least 50 years ahead of its time, so he backed away slowly from the plan and put the knife down very, very carefully. Ultimately, he took a sojourn into the San Francisco Bay Area and wrote the famous "Rice-A-Roni Testament", where he indicates his intent to kill anyone who was able to taste fried rice dishes. In this document, he finds renewed energy and returns to Vienna a stronger, but no less deaf or angry, man.

In the years that followed, Beethoven composed more than 182 symphonies, 3 string quartets, and a collection of piano sonatas for three hands. His most famous symphony is the Symphony No. 3 "Erotica", About a lovestory between two gay men making love orgasmically in bed, originally criticized for its excessive length. No pun intended. He also wrote that piano song you were wondering about.

He choked a bitch to hear her scream his name.

He also perfected a Texas chili recipe that was to become the main ingredient in his "Ode To Beans" choral symphony of 1824. Not being able to taste food, he was still able to create a dish and musical accompaniment which to this day remains unmatched. An abridged version of this piece brought Beethoven's work back into the public eye in the mid-20th century after it was recorded for the A Clockwork Orange film soundtrack. It was performed by the seminal psychedelic band H.P. and the Jefferson Lovecrafts under the name "Little Shirly Beans." Too bad that phony Holden Caufield dropped the last copy of this record, as no copy survives to-day for the further betterment of world history.

The Death of Beethoven

Beethoven died on March 26, 1827, after choking on a parsnip which he was attempting to swallow whole. It was said that, as the death rattle lodged in his throat, there was an unexpectedly sharp peal of thunder outside, strange for a cold winter's day, whereupon Beethoven opened his eyes, slowly and with great effort raised himself up in his deathbed, shook his fist at the ceiling and managed to shout out the words, "Stop moving your damnable furniture around, you dolts! Don't you know I'm dying down here?" Thus he died, and it was necessary to bring in a carpenter to cut a hole in the lid of his coffin to accommodate the raised fist.

Beethoven was survived by his five bastard children, his sister Brunhilde, and cousin Zeke. Over 200,000 people attended his funeral, however most were given the wrong invitation, which read as a chili cookoff. Although the mood of the funeral was somber, the food was excellent.

Beethoven's Diabolical Variations

Beethoven had special equpiment to allow him to hear the conversations of bats, who are notoriously good composers. Some claim he stole their material, others think he was merely eavesdropping.
“My music is music about music.”
~ Beethoven on Making no sense

This remarkable composition, which is never played when it can be avoided, consists of various variable variations upon a variety of variegated variants. Originally written in invisible ink (for reasons pertaining to copyright law), it has been recorded by such keyboard masters as accordianist Wilhelmina Pirogi and concertinist Luigi Volpone. Critics are unanimous whenever this work is thrown up at a dinner party. However, he was resurrected in the 1980s to take part in a NASA program that would forever change the future of mankind.

Did we mention he was deaf and angry?

In an 1809 interview with a Viennese music journalist, Beethoven described the creative process behind the Fifth Symphony:

"I wanted a fat motif, shit you could blast from a coach while crusin' the Kartnerstrasse wit' cho peeps...ya know, sumthin' that gets the females' attention."


The theme from Beethoven's 'Afternoon Symphony in B flat Major Op. 78'


  • Small works
    • Furry Lisa - The only woman he ever loved, before he lost his hearing, and couldn't hear all the mean hurtful shit they said about his ugly ass face and short, fat ass.
    • Rolo for Beethoven - a short tune about his obsession with mass-produced pieces of milk chocolate filled with caramel - would have become part of a suite had Ludwig not discovered Munchies.
  • Symphonies
    • Symphony no. 1 in C major - Beta version Op. 0,21
    • Symphony no. 2 in D major - It's my sloppy second!
    • Symphony no. 3 in E-flat major - I shoulda been a fireman...
    • Symphony no. 4 in B-flat major - Goddamnation!! Pisshell! Why did I choose this career!!!???
    • Symphony no. 5 in C minor - == DUH DUH DUH DUUUHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! ==.
    • Symphony no. 6 in F major - Cow Patties SHIT'S GETTIN WORSE!!!!
    • Symphony no. 7 in A major - Full of RAGE and WHAT THE FUCK'S WRONG WITH MY EARS!!!???
    • Symphony no. 8 in F major - IF HE DON'T SCRAPE THAT VIOLIN LOUDER!!! BITCHES!!!!!! DAMMIT!!!!
  • Concerti
    • Piano Concerto No. 1 in C major - C Major Run Some More
    • Piano Concerto No. 2 in B-flat major
    • Piano Concerto No. 3 in C minor - Mozart wrote it first, but surely nobody will notice except for Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle- dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz- ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer- spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein- nurnburger-bratwustle-gernspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut- gumberaber-shonedanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm
    • Piano Concerto No. 4 in G major - Hand Solo
    • Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-flat major - The Emperor
    • Piano Concerto No. 6 in D major - Darth Vader
    • Violin Concerto in D major - Darth Vader Strikes Back
    • Triple Concerto in C major - Darth Vader, the Emperor, and Yoda
    • Opera, Fiorello!
  • Random Orchestral
    • Corelware Overture
    • Melmac Overture
    • Egg Mont Overture
    • BATTLE SYMPHONY "for Imperial french forces and British army Obligato"
    • King Stephanie Overture
    • Angry Overture
    • Incredibly Pissed Off Overture
    • Ode to Mah Ears
    • Deaf Man's Bitter Shrieks in C Sharp Minor
    • Song, Lo, Joyously I Pour My Bath Water upon My Neighbors Below
    • Song, Immortal Beloved, Actually I Just Made You Up
    • Song, Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Gone to to Alienate Everyone
  • Sonatas
    • No. 8 in C minor, "Pathetic"
    • No. 9 in G+5add9 for piano and mongoose, "Erotic Parrots"
    • No. 10 in F#maj7, "Funereal Fellatio"
    • No. 12 in A-flat major, "Venereal March" (Composed shortly after his diagnosis with the syphilis)
    • No. 14 in C-sharp minor, "Moonshine"
    • No. 15 in D major, "Pastor Al" (Dedicated to his favourite clergyman, off whom he caught the syphilis as a young boy)
    • No. 17 in D minor, "The Fat Pest" (Dedicated to Giulietta Guicciardi)
    • No. 21 in C major, "Walnut"
    • No. 23 in F minor, "A Passion-fruit Starter" (Composed in the middle of his favourite restaurant)
    • No. 29 in B-flat major, "M.C. Hammer the Klavier"
    • No. 33 in E minor, "One day, dey gawn be a Hitler. Den the peeps ain't gawn like me no more."
    • Rage over lost hearing

See Also

Decomposed German Composers
Johann Sebastian Bach | Ludwig van Beethoven | Johannes Brahms | Paul Hindemith | Gustav Mahler | Felix Mendelssohn | Robert Schumann | Karlheinz Stockhausen the Turd | Richard Strauss | Richard Wagner

This article uses material from the "Ludwig van Beethoven" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.


Up to date as of February 07, 2010

From Wackypedia

I always wanted a ten inch pianist.

~ Beethoven misunderstanding a modern joke. He did die a long time ago you know.

Benthoven was a pianist who wrote many symphonies. HeSHE was dead later in life. All of his HER symphonies were self titled and signed "Edward Elgar".

Of course

Bethovy (let's call her beth) Beth was a fat hamburger loving arlet from the early 1900s. I believe she is seen in the Phantom of the opera eating a man's nose. Wait what? oh ya Beth is a guy I think. Or it is a girl. Balding? ???

Never mind anything above. I am starting over.

BEETHOVYNE LIVES UP STAIRS!!!! or does he get eaten by the worms and WIERD FISHES! So Beatyhozen was a bat who lived in the rafters. My mother killed him. He wrote songs, went deaf, and died mysteriously. Only he wasn't a bat. He was a compsoser. No I change my mind. He was a dolphin. I have always liked dolphins. In Jaws 3 there are dolphins. I thought they died, but in the end they didn't. I like dolphins. Bettyhover was a dolphin. But dolphins dont have crazy hair. Beertthkevthinjin did. But Dolphins have to have hair. They are mammals, and every mammal has hair. Beethocresoven had hair. And was a bat. No peanut. No dolphin, no!!! HUMAN? no, he was a dolphin.

See also

This article uses material from the "Ludwig van Beethoven" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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