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“Holy hell! It's gay Shadow!”
~ Sonic on Mephiles
“Mephiles is Dark... sort of.”
~ Captain Obvious on Mephiles the Dark
“They are really running out of character ideas.”
~ You on how unoriginal Mephiles is
“Isn't that the guy I slept with last weekend? Oops, wasn't supposed to say that!”
~ Tom Cruise on his one night stand
Mephiles, here to remind you that world will betray you.

Mephiles the Dark, is the palette swap of Shadow the Hedgehog, who was the palette swap of Sonic the Hedgehog, who was a palette swap of Mighty the Armadillo, who was a rip off of Mickey Mouse. Mephiles is the main villain in the Book of Sonic '06. Mephiles' name roughly translates as, "Satan of Hedgehogs", or "Sonic Terminator".

Contents

History

Solaris Project

Mephiles was created from the Solaris Project. The Solaris Project was a project (obviously), with intentions of creating the ultimate EASY-BAKE Oven. The project was at first a success, until the Duke of Soleanna decided it would be a 'great' idea to stuff a pizza in there. Needless to say the pizza overloaded the system. An explosion occurred, which split Solaris into two beings.
The soy sauce that created Mephiles.
Iblis, the raw destructive power, created from the red jalapeño peppers on the pizza, and Mephiles, the part of Solaris with a brain, created from the purple Satan Brand Soy Sauce. Mephiles, being just a pile of goo which looked (and smelled) like dog shit, tried to squirm away, but was captured into a magic spoon by none other, than a time traveling Shadow the Hedgehog. Shadow gave the magic spoon, known then as the Scepter of Darkness to Princess Elise.

Mephiles' Escape

Years later Princess Elise threw the Scepter in the trash, after using it to pleasure herself. Dr. Eggman just happened to be passing by at that moment, and he thought to himself, "I sure could use a new ass scratcher." He took the Scepter with him, and gave his old, worn out, feces covered ass scratcher to Tails as a birthday present. Sometime later, after a day of furious scratching, Eggman set the scepter down while he went to get his egg roles. At that moment Rouge the Bat snuck in. She knew she would only have a less than a second to steal the scepter (that's all it takes for Eggman to scarf down a whole box of egg roles). She grabbed the Scepter and managed to escape unnoticed.

Rouge, then unfortunately forgot the way out of Eggman's house. But even MORE unfortunately, she didn't forget how to text. She contacted the President and their conversation went something like this.

Rouge: txtin prez
President: Rouge?
Rouge: need ur help
Rouge: asap
President: Where are you?
Rouge: im trapped n eggmans base :-O
President: Alright, I'll send Shadow to get you.
Rouge: yyea? coo
Rouge: .....
President: So...
Rouge: wnna sext?
President: Ok :D

Shadow broke through Eggman's defenses and rescued Rouge. Rouge informed Shadow to meet G.U.N. at the old Soleanna castle, which only happened to be in a different country, on another continent, on the other side of the world. However, when they arrived at the castle, they were soon attacked by Eggman who exclaimed in his traditional hillbilly accent, "Gimme back meh butt scratcher! Ma ass is a itchin' and my hand is a too fat ta retch it!" Rouge took one look at the scepter (which had been repeatedly shoved up Eggman's rectum) and dropped it. Mephiles popped out right as the scepter shattered. He was born once again!! Eggman ran away (surprisingly fast for a fat guy). Mephiles flew into Shadow's shadow and became a Shadow. He said, "Shadow, I am your shadow. I flew into your shadow, Shadow, and a shadow, I became, Shadow. You see, Shadow. When I touched your shadow, Shadow, I became a shadow, of you, Shadow. Shadow, I'm going to give you what you gave me, Shadow. A one way ticket to Oblivion... Shadow!" Mephiles then shot Rouge and Shadow to Oblivion.

Mephiles' Xtreme Planning

A picture of Mepiles' hand drawn plans.

At this point, Mephiles began planning his ultimate scheme. Releasing Iblis from his seal within Princess Elise. To do this he would have to live two hundred years, to the time when Iblis was already released, then convince someone to go back in time and kill Sonic, so Elise would cry and release Iblis, thus creating a paradox as he would have no reason to release Iblis in the first place if he was already released. (Not to mention that Iblis was ALREADY released in the future, so there was no point in releasing him, unless he was the one that released him originally. But if that was true the why would he need to go back a second time?) Then Mephiles would travel back in time with said Sonic killers, and point them to their goal. After which, he would then re-travel to the future, find Shadow, convince him to join him, then they would probably travel back in time again, he would fuse with Iblis, become Solaris, and stop time. Are we clear on this? Good.

How it Actually Happened

Everything started off according to plan, but then a few things went wrong. First Mephiles sent Shadow and Rouge to the future, then in this same future, he met Silver and Blaze. Mephiles convinces Silver and Blaze to kill Sonic. He then travels back with them and points them in the general direction of Sonic. At this point, Mephiles travels back to the future (but about thirty minutes after he originally left). He asks Shadow to join him, after revealing that in the future, humanity would capture Shadow. Shadow refuses (well duh, Mephiles DID send him into the future in the FIRST place!), and Mephiles gets pissed. It's at this point where things start to go downhill.

Mephiles goes through a metamorphosis, and transforms into a more crystal-like form. He has a sissy fight with Shadow, where the two hit each other, and call each other girl names. Needless to say, he gets his ass handed to him. But soon Mephiles gains the upper hand when he surprises Shadow by telling him, he's [Mephiles] "Surprised at how extremely NON-emo, and NON-homosexual" he [Shadow] is. Mephiles then knocked Shadow into wall, and tried to force rape him. Unfortunately for Mephiles, his sexy attack was interrupted by E-123 Omega.

After a brief duel of Yu-Gi-Oh with Omega. Mephiles travels to the past... again. Shadow and Omega jump through the portal he created, and follow him back to the present time. Once he made it through the portal, Mephiles ran towards the beach (somehow Soleanna a beach, a forest, a ancient castle, a place that resembles Alaska, a desert, and a secret underground lab, all in one place? Ok then.), searching for a Chaos Emerald. Mephiles' plans to steal the jewel were haltered by the fat republican redneck Eggman. Eggman was searching for Chaos Emeralds to power his time machine. (Time machine? Really? Can this plot get any dumber?)

Eggman sent one of his machines to fly down and take the Chaos Emerald, which it succeeded in. Mephiles, being the baby that he is, was once again pissed by this, and used his one of his many magic powers, to damaged Eggman's battleship, the Egg Carrier, which would later cause Eggman and Elise to be killed in a explosion caused by engine failure, which caused Sonic to travel back in time, once again, and fight with Eggman on the Egg Carrier while it falls apart around them, which causes Sonic to take Elise and hop from burning piece of wreckage, to burning piece of wreckage, until Sonic fails to jump to the top of a cliff, and then begins to fall to his watery grave, but is actually saved by the fiery blast of the Egg Carrier exploding below him, which propells him and Elise to safety. (Also see WTF.)

However, just as Eggman was escaping with the Chaos Emerald, Mephiles was confronted by Omega. Mephiles taunts Omega about capturing Shadow in the future among other things. The conversation went a little something like this. "Hello Bender!" Mephiles exclaimed. "Who is this 'Bender' you speak of?" Asked Omega. "We've both been to the Futurama, Omega. And in the Futurama, you capture Shadow. See, in the Futurama, everyone calls you 'Bender' and... ah, screw it. This joke is getting old. The point is robot, that you're the one who captures Shadow in the future!"
Omega visits the Futurama.

It was at this point that Omega opened fire on Mephiles. When he ran out of ammo for his machine gun, he switched to rocket launcher mode. When he ran out of rockets, he resorted to shooting fireballs at Mephiles. "Sweet Sun God of Soleanna! You're a regular Swiss-army-knife, aren't you?" Mephiles asked. By the time Shadow and Rouge arrived, Omega had already begun waterboarding Mephiles. Mephiles used this chance to escape, while Omega was temporarily distracted by Shadow's arrival.

"Shadow, I'm the one who captures you in the future." Omega revealed. "Yeah, I kind of guessed," Shadow said, completely emotionless. "It's kind of hard to forget you knocking on my door one day and then beating the shit out of my future self." Omega was just as robotic and emotionless as Shadow when he said, "Yeah, wasn't that a crazy day?" Shadow shook his head and said, "You... cut my legs off." There was an awkward silence for a while, until Omega broke it by saying, "So... um... are we gonna go catch Mephiles?"

Mephiles had traveled to the pyramids of Utah (which just happened to be right next to Soleanna), after hearing a rumor about a Chaos Emerald located there. Once he entered one of the pyramids, he set a bunch of random traps, just to screw with Shadow. Mephiles made his way to the back of the pyramid where the Chaos Emerald was held. But just as he arrived Shadow barged in with intentions of ruining everything. Shadow and Mephiles engaged each other in a long and drawn out battle, until Mephiles realized, "Oh yeah! I have a Chaos Emerald, I could just use that to mop the floor with this guy! Oh yeah! I forgot! I also have another Chaos Emerald stashed up my anus, I sure am forgetful today!"

With the power of two Chaos Emeralds, Mephiles was able to clone himself, ten hundred, thousand, billion, trillion, zillion, fufillion, bagillion times. Mephiles assumed that he could easily crush Shadow and his comrades. But what Mephiles didn't know was that Shadow had ultra-secret-mega-super-powers, and all he had to do to get these was take off his rings. It goes without saying, when Mephiles saw Shadow blasting through a crowd of his clones he said what we all would have said in that position, "FUCK!"

Solaris Reborn

Sonic shot by Mephiles.

After having all his clones destroyed by Shadow, and his plans to have Silver assassinate Sonic in shambles, Mephiles decided to just fuck everything and pop out of the ground and shoot Sonic through the heart. (Why he didn't just do that earlier is anyone's guess.) As expected, Elise started crying like a little bitch when she saw her true love Sonic die. Ibilis' seal was broken, and just as expected, Mephiles then jumped into Iblis and the two formed into Solaris. Solaris then began to consume time itself. We imagine he probably said something like this: *munch, munch, munch, yum, yum, yum* "This time sure IS good!"

Little did Solaris know, but below him a plan was formulating. A plan to save Sonic's soul from the devil, and to defeat Solaris once and for all. Eggman, Tails, Amy, Knuckes, Shadow, Rouge, Omega, and Silver (he somehow appeared back in the past again, I know, it doesn't make sense), decided to run all over the world and collect the Chaos Emeralds, before time was destroyed forever. (So basically they had about ten minutes, to collect seven emeralds that could be ANYWHERE in a world bigger than your mom's ass. Seems feasible.)

Somehow they did manage to collect all the Chaos Emeralds, and they used them to bring Sonic back to life (I guess he's Jesus now, huh?). But not before Elise had a make-out session with Sonic's corpse that made the entire furry community all orgasm at once. I could point out a lot of things here, like the fact that Elise kissed a animal... on the lips. A dead animal no less, that was probably filled with rabies. I could point out that, while it's not technically bestiality nor is it necrophilia, but it's by no means sanitary. I could point out that while Elise could be helping the others save the world, she's too busy frenching a dead rodent. No, I won't point out any of that stuff. Nope. No way.

With Sonic back to life, he decided to turn all Super. He then proceeded to touch Shadow and Silver and spread the Super to them, via a disease. Now infected with the Super also, the three hedgehogs flew away (though it may have been a drug induced fantasy), to stop Solaris. At first they had trouble defeating Solaris, but they kept on hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, until he was all like "Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it." That's when Solaris transformed into his second most dangerous form.

Really heroic music started playing, to remind the player... er I mean, Sonic, that if he didn't defeat Solaris, time itself would be destroyed. (And that would really suck.) Sonic realized this, and he formulated a plan with Shadow and Silver. Shadow would use his Chaos Spear to shoot Solaris. Silver would use his telekinesis to catch and fire Solaris' projectiles back at him. And Sonic would... headbutt Solaris. (No really, that's the best they could come up with.)

Realizing that Solaris couldn't be killed, they decided on doing the next best thing. Blowing up his brain. (Again, not joking.) Sonic mustered up all his energy, then rammed Solaris in the middle of his stomach (I guess that's where his brain is?), likely giving himself a concussion in the process. Lucky for him, it worked. Sonic and Elise were both transported back in time. They arrived just in time to hear Elise's father, the Duke of Soleanna talk about how much he likes mustard and pickles. "You know what else I like Elise?" The Duke asked. "Green beans of course!" A young Elise was standing next to her father.

Solaris Destroyed

"Daddy?" She asked. "Is your arm supposed to be on fire?" The Duke looked down and noticed his daughter was right. "OH MY SUN GOD! SON OF A BITCH, IT HURTS! SUN GOD DAMNIT! SWEET MOTHER OF SUN GOD! IT BURNS LIKE A BITCH! SUN GOD, I REALLY NEED TO STOP MAKING SUN GOD PUNS!" The Duke screamed (It's funny because they worship a Sun God... who just happens to be Solaris). Eventually the fire was put out, and all that remained was a tiny flame sitting on a torch. "You see Elise? This nondestructive flame will allow us the ability to travel through time one day. Once it gets big and strong. That's why we need to feed it lots of green beans." The Duke explained. "But Daddy?" Elise questioned, once again, "How does a flame give you the ability to travel back in time? Wouldn't time travel require some kind of wormhole? Maybe some quantum physics? Not some stupid flame you lit with the matches you got from that hotel you were at least night, where you were canoodling the hooker."

The Duke stared at his daughter for a moment, before yelling at her, "That's it! We're done! C'mon! Let's go!" The Duke dragged her out of the room, as Sonic and present day Elise floated down. "If we blow out this flame," Elise explained. "Then Solaris won't exist. But then... we'll never meet, you and I." Sonic turned to face Elise, "Sorry did you say something?" He asked. "I couldn't hear you over the sound of a child being beaten in the background." Elise took a deep breath before repeating herself once more. "I SAID! IfweblowoutthisflamethenSolariswon'texist! Butthenwe'llnevermeetyouandI!" Sonic couldn't understand what Elise said, so like every man everywhere, he did what we would all do if we didn't know the correct answer. He said, "Yes."

Elise decided to repeat herself one final time. "Listen!" She said. "If we blow out this flame, Solaris won't exist. He won't cause time to be destroyed or any of that bullcrap..." "Cool!" Sonic interrupted. "Let me FINISH!" Elise screamed. "Buuuuut! We'll never meet... though I'm not really sure if that's a bad thing right now." Sonic was looking at his shoes when he said, "I'm sorry, what now? Could you repeat that?" Elise began grinding her teeth when she grabbed the tiny torch holding the flame that would later become Solaris (how a flame becomes a intelligent being, you got me). "Fuck you, Sonic." Were the last words anyone heard before Elise blew out the flame that would have later become Iblis and Mephiles, then Solaris.
Here is a cow, that has nothing to do with this article.

For some strange reason though, when she blew out the flame, the universe didn't collapse on itself due to multiple time paradoxes. No one remembered what happened, and everyone lived happily ever after, except for Mephiles. 'Cause ya, know. He doesn't exist anymore. Because they used his own power to go back in time and prevent him from ever becoming Solaris. I know it doesn't make any sense, but here. Here's a picture of a cow. You can enjoy that to take your mind off of everything that didn't make sense in this article.

Abilities

Besides some of Mephiles' more unusual abilities (described below), he also possesses a series of more common ones. He has the ability to travel through time. Create shadows of himself. Attach himself onto Shadow's shadow. He can fuse with Iblis. Withstand any amount of punishment. He possesses immortality. Shapeshifting. He's able to manipulate anyone into doing his bidding. And of course, he can grow crystals out his ass.

Disabilities

Mephiles also has a number of disabilities in addition to his already numerous normal abilities. One such disability is that Mephiles appears to be mentally retarded. It has been pointed out many times that all of Mephiles plans make absolutely no sense. The cause of the retardation is up to debate, but many have pointed to the fact that Mephiles was repeatedly... WARNING: This portion of article Mephiles the Dark, subsection 2.1, Disabilities, has been censored due to gratuitous nature of the section. All sexualized and violent words have been replaces with child friendly alternatives. Mephiles was repeatedly snuggled, kissed, huggled, snuggled some more, then glomped. After which he was, doodled, bamboozled, zizzared, and Suck-fuckled! (Oops, that wasn't supposed to say that.)

One of the things Mephiles became.

Moving on. Another disability Mephiles suffers from, is severe incontinence, also known as, he craps the shit out of himself... Ok, I made that up, but I thought I should draw attention to a very serious problem.

An actual disability Mephiles suffers from is identity and gender confusion. As shown by the fact that he's constantly becoming someone else. Solaris, Shadow's shadow, a pile of goop, Al Gore (he's into Global Warming, what with Iblis being made of fire and all), Near (that's the gender confused part), and a Giant Yellow Toe.

Interview

Before his ultimate destruction, Oprah Winfrey interviewed Mephiles on her show. We have a transcript of the interview below.

Oprah: So Mephiles, you've been accused of trying to destroy time itself.
Mephiles: Correct.
Oprah: Why would you do that?
Mephiles: Well Oprah, things aren't really that simple. *Clears throat* Oprah, I was raised in such a way, that chaos and destruction are all I know. To top that off, I have a incurable addiction to rings and Chaos Emeralds.
Oprah: Wow, Mephiles. How did your addiction start?
Mephiles: Well, Oprah... this is rather hard for me to talk about.
Oprah: It's alright.
Mephiles: Well, my addiction first started when I was sealed inside the Scepter of Darkness using a Chaos Emerald. Once I got a taste of it, I had to have more, and more, and more. Before I knew it, I had lost everything I had, including my only family. My sister, Iblis.
Oprah: Where is your sister now?
Mephiles telling Oprah one of his hilarious anecdotes.
Mephiles: I honestly don't know. Last I heard, she was in the future causing untold chaos and destruction.
Oprah: When was the last time you saw your sister?
Mephiles: Shortly after my addiction began, my sister was sealed inside the princess of Soleanna. I haven't seen her since.
Oprah: Alright. There are rumors going around that you're out to get Sonic the Hedgehog. Are any of these true?
Mephiles: Well Oprah. It all depends on what you mean by 'get'. Do I want to kill Sonic? Yes, of course. Do I want to 'get' him as in, as a boyfriend? Oh, hell no! Pardon my French.
Oprah: You admit you're out to kill Sonic the Hedgehog?
Mephiles: Is there an echo?
Oprah: I'm sorry, I'm just finding it hard to understand. You want to kill Sonic the Hedgehog? Why is that?
Mephiles: Let me explain in terms you can understand. It's like this, Oprah. If someone cut you in half with a giant cleaver, blood splattered everywhere, and you were writhing in pain, wouldn't you do anything to get back to the other part of you? So you could be whole again? So you could destroy time until there's nothing left in existence at all? Isn't that the American dream Oprah?
Oprah: *Repeatedly hits the security button*
Mephiles: *Sigh* I really wish you hadn't done that Oprah. *Mephiles snaps Oprah's neck* *Mephiles turns to the camera* When we come back, we have a rare and intriguing interview with one of the word's most famous leaders, Hitler's Zombie. Stay tuned during the commercial break.

Trivia

  • When he existed, Mephiles loved spending time in internet chat rooms, and on social networking sites, he even created his own little avatar to go with them.
    Mephiles' online avatar.
  • Mephiles has a secret unlockable form, simply known as "Floppy Cock". No one has every succesfully unlocked Mephiles' Floppy Cock form, but many long time Sonic fans speculate, that Floppy Cock has a secret attack, that can be unleashed once Mephiles has collected 100 rings. The exact nature of the attack is unknown, but after careful studying, it can be assumed the attack knocks up Amy, thus creating Silver in the future. This is still only a theory though.
  • It has long been rumored that Mephiles is a closet homosexual. Mostly because the guy is almost completely covered in purple. I'm sorry, but even Barney the Dinosaur doesn't dress that queer.
  • Among the usual Sonic powers, Mephiles displays quite a few unusual ones such as: Gaydar, the ability to communicate with the souls of the damned, an actual sense of direction (very rare for a Sonic character), pizzazz (yes, its a power), and he can grow his hair out, really, really long.
  • Mephiles is the only villain in the history of the Book of Sega to actually kill Sonic the Hedgehog. Unless you count Sega themselves, who are doing a quite adequate job of killing him.
Sonic the Hedgehog characters

Amy Rose - Chaos - Dr. Robotnik - Mephiles the Dark - Metal Sonic - Prof. Gerald Robotnik - Rouge the Bat - Sonic the Hedgehog - Sonic the Preggo - Sonnet the Hedgehog - Tails the Straight - Minor Characters


This article uses material from the "Mephiles the Dark" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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