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Michael Schumacher: Wikis

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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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F1 legend Michael Schumacher yet again showing that there's a reason why he is regarded as a tactical mastermind.
“That's why they call me Mr Fahrenheit”
~ Michael Schumacher on Michael Schumacher
“So that's what a cheating cunt's face feels like”
~ Oscar Wilde on Schumacher's perpetually smooth face

Michael' Weltmeister Shoemaker (born: Adolf Hitler) was a world famous shoe maker and motor racing driver, and extreme Bush-botherer. He was born in Austria on the 20th of April 1889. In his early days he was a self confessed "Fudge Addict" and wrote novel after novel of boring political droll, all criticising the U.S. Government, but decided for a career change after playing Crazy Taxi in the Pentagon's arcade. He adopted the pseudonym "Schumacher" for his motor Racing career to avoid his political affiliations hindering his performance. He used a German Surname as the German people are world famous for their hospitality to foreigners, and would gladly help boost his career (Schumacher is actually German for Moore).



Schumacher's early life was marked by his leadership of Germany from 1933-1945. After faking his death in a bunker and going into hiding for a number of years, he used advanced Nazi genetic engineering techniques to emerge as a young go-kart racer in the 1980s.

Into Racing

During his time racing in Germany, he learned much about cheating, a sacred art which shall be quite handy in the future and will get some juicy DSQ's for him. Car Balance, cheating, die autobahn and cheating are all very important for Schumacher. Although he was very successful in German racing, he was never really given a chance in international tournaments as German drivers had a history sparking religious genocide whenever they didn't win (World war two was actually started because local Jewish racer Nando Alonstein beat Adolf in the annual Köln Zwei-hundert). However after a couple more years of persistent cheating, he was off to better pastures.

Into Formula One

Also known as "The Lying, cheating bastard one,", most famous for constantly losing to British racers such as Damon Hill, his Formula One career was highly prolific. He cheated from day one, and in the process, unwittingly won himself many drivers championship. His level of under-handedness (sometimes compared to that of Tony Blair and other politicians) was profound and will unlikely be matched for many years to come. His Formula one debut was like no other. He qualified a rather unspectacular 12th but during the race, instead of overtaking opponents, he just pushed them off the road. Over the years his audacity has not tamed, but his subtily has grown tenfold, making his tricks harder to punish.

In 2006 he raced against Fernando Alonso a.k.a. the Moaning Brake Test Guru, The Lost Son of Leonid Brezhnev or just The Brow. He won only one race and thought he would emulate Keke Rosberg by winning the world championship. He almost did until Alonso's teammate Giancarlo Fisichella deployed the development that his team had been working on since forever. He raced ahead of Schumacher and deployed tactical mines which subsequently punctured Michael's Left rear tyre and dropped him to last place. Schumacher fought back and managed to bribe the entire field to move over when he tried to pass. Fisichella was obviously paid more than the others as he left the track and lost a lot of time to Schumacher. Massa won with Alonso second. Schumacher then moved to Switzerland to avoid the embarrassment of being a French Patriot.

After Formula One

After being expelled from Formula One, Schumacher went into hiding but he was found by Jeremy Clarkson and blackmailed into working for Top Gear as the slave of James May. However after an accident with a nuclear reactor made by James May, Schumacher was mutated and was reborn as The Stig.

Love Life

Schumacher is also famous for 'stealing' Heinz-Harrold Frentzen's wife 10 years ago. Schumacher kidnapped frau Frentzen, bundled her into the back of his Ferrero Rochier, driving her off to Switzerland. Frentzen's career went off the rails after this period.

Schuey has one illegitimate child from his brief relationship with Mika Hakkinen, a rival who provided a sense of dry humour as a counterpoint to the notoriously outrageous belly laughs provided by Michael. The pair named their son "Kimi".


Schumacher has 2 children. He supposedly thought of naming his son Ralf, but remembered that their was and never shall be another Ralf in the family. Schumacher's children: Adolf, 9, and Jelly-Bean, 7, are unlikely to follow in their father's motor-racing footsteps as they have poos for legs.


Tragic End and supposed disappearance

Although he had himself forgotten about his early years as a politically outspoken pie-muncher, many had not and eventually his past caught up to him. It happened during the inaugural El Salvadorean Grand Prix. Prior to that race, he had an affair with Ron Dennis, the tactical adviser and rear gunner for the McLaren Mercedes F1 team. With only 4 laps remaining, Schumacher (now racing for JeepF1) looked certain to win, when he inexplicably disappeared off the track. Due to extremely poor coverage of the Circuit de Antonio Saca (only one small section of the track was actually televised), the mystery was never solved. He was presumed dead but fortunately Michael turned up at a petrol station in Munich, where he claimed he had just broken another record - the longest hide and seek game of all time. Osama Bin Laden disagreed with that statement.


Michael Schumacher has so much money he can easily relight his fire at home without going outside and chopping wood. Because of his enormous wealth, Schumacher tried to buy the naming rights of Formula One and rename it "The Michael Schumacher Motorhouse Rage". Bernie Ecclestone rejected saying that 'changing the name would be a ridiculous prospect! If Michael Schumacher went and changed his name to Bob Smith would he be as well known? I think fucking not!'

Sensational Return

After Ferrari's Felipe Massa was severely injured in a freak accident questions swirled around as to who would replace the man.

Whilst commuting at the F1 bar "The Bernie Arms" drivers were contemplating the possible results from Massa's accident. It was at this moment which the spectacular story unfolded. Asking his mate Robert Kubica whilst playing poker, Fernando Alonso piped up "I wonder who's going to replace poor Felipe?"

At which point the pubs doors burst open with a melodramatic gust of wind blowing through the pub. A shady, silhouetted figure stood in the door way his face disguised by a scarlet red floppy brimmed hat. He took a sly look to his left, then another to the right. The mysterious figure then walked towards the bar, the creaking of the floorboard the only thing that could be heard as onlookers looked on in silently. And then he opened his mouth. In a broad German accent he told barman Bernie "I'll have a bottle of Schneider Weisse, the best Germany has to offer". The man then slowly removed his hat and revealed himself to the world to be none other than probably the sports greatest man, or alien, whichever suited him best - Michael Schumacher, to the gasps of "FUCKIN' HELL!" from his fellow pros.

This article uses material from the "Michael Schumacher" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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