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Mitt Romney: Wikis


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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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I'm John McCain and I approve this article
“This article isn't fair and acurate!”
~ Mitt Romney on this article
“I was Governor of Massachusetts, but I really hate this liberal state”
~ Mitt Romney on flip-flooping

Willard Mittless Mittford Quintus Brigham Shooter "Catcher's" "Mitt" "The Shit" Romney (aka "The Mormonator", "The Face of Evil"), most well-known as the froggy superhero the Mr. Raptastic, is also the former governor of Barney and Friends. He is currently a Republican and a Moron- my mistake, I meant Mormon, with, er, one wife a week (what an asshole!). He is best known for parading around with his 2 dozen wives including the tallest one named RuPaul. In 2032 he plans to have an extra marital affair with the newest daughter of Paris Hilton which he plans to deny following the paternity test.

Mitt Romney in his work uniform

Contents

Source of Strength

Mitt Romney, a renowned douche bag, (some days he's known as Romney Mitt -- his name flip-flops) is widely acknowledged to be a strong contender for the presidency in 2008. His candidacy and campaign are similar to the book, The Simulacrum by Philip K. Dick, owing to the fact that Romney, like the president in the previously stated book, is a robotic android. Others, however, believe his candidacy is strong due to the fact that he is "smartish" according to him, stunningly handsome like a corpse, and really, really, really really, REALLY not gay. His great strength as a candidate lies in the fact that he is a Mormon, which is a strange form of Jellyfish-worship from another planet. He is a strong proponent of Mormocracy, a political system whose strength is based on the wearing of sacred brown underwear. In 1998, Romney donned his holy long johns and descended to earth, seeking to save it from the great liberal planet-eater, Ted Kennedy.

OMG! Mormon yeti!

As the superhero, Mr. Fantastic, Romney has the power to stretch parts of his anatomy. All Mormon elders possess this power, which is of course attributed to the sanctity of their undergarments.

Late in 2007, Mitt Romney set a Guinness Record by jerking off to Ronald Reagan 751 and a half times in 25 minutes. His love is Reagan is preceded only by his love for the Satanic rituals of the Mormon Church and reruns of The Facts of Life. He is currently employed as a taste tester for babies for the government. His favorite hobbies involve having sex with gay people while not being gay, which is one of his super powers. Mr. Fantastic goes home to his transexual wife, playfully dubbed, the Thing, usually played by Ann Coulter. When asked, Romney said, "No Comment, Homo lover." He is also a third cousin of Dr Phil.

Romney promises to annihilate entire galaxies when elected, opening a second Guantanamo Bay Prison Camp on the Planet Venus, due to his deeply held Mormon belief that the peoples inhabiting Venus pose a threat to our national security. He vows to fight them over there instead of here, which makes no sense to anyone who isn't Mormon.

Some researchers believe that Mitt Romney is the human embodiment of Mitramni, an ancient centipede warrior-goddess of the Zapotec religion. Mitramni was known for her aphotic black hair and piercing, emotionless stare. Although defeated by the 1520 Madrid Seahawks (the team that would eventually move to Seattle to become the modern day Seattle Seahawks) in Super Bowl -447 (historians credit the victory to the Seahawks' physical offensive line and quarterback Hernando Cortez's deft manuevers), an ancient prophecy dictates that Mitramni will one day return to establish the kingdom of Aztlán (English translation: AZT Land).

Mitt on his Religion and Polygamy

During his 2008 presidential campaign, Mitt Romney can be seen lobbying and traveling with over 60 different women. When asked about this, Mitt commented "I like to switch 'em up." Mitt Romney is a hardcore Fundamentalist Polygamist Mormon and enjoys picking up chicks along the campaign trail and marrying them in the back of his Isuzu. Mitt has "religious" homes in Utah, Colorado, Idaho, and British Columbia, where he spends his time marrying different women and eating KFC. His religion is so Anti-Gay Marriage that Mitt said if he is elected president, he will kill any gay on the spot. He also said if he isn't elected president, he will kill any gay on the spot. In 2008, he was arrested after getting into a brawl with John Krakauer. When interviewed about this, Krakauer said: "I climed Everest, dammit!" In May of 2008, John Krakauer and Mitt Romney apparently made amends, but it is clear during video documentation that Mitt Romney said to John: "fuck your book."

Weakness

Ironically, Ted Kennedy is Romney's only weakness. During a great battle in 1994, Kennedy used a form of mind control over Romney, causing him to say stupid things. Kennedy then attempted to eat Romney, but Mitt was fortunately able to escape because of his magic underwear. After the battle, he was soon elected to the governorship, where he spent four years fighting Kennedy's proxy warriors in the form of Teletubbies.

Olympic Campaign

Mitt Romney calls upon his Mormon power source to save the olympics.

Romney single-handedly saved the Winter Olympics when they were attacked by Democrats in 2002. The games were planned to be held in Salt Lake City, Utah, which is also a Mormon breeding ground. Senator John Kerry, who had battled Romney many times before in the People's Republic of Massachusetts, planned to drop a "Commie-bomb" on the olympic games Romney paid some turn your-head money to the Olympics committee, which would turn all of Salt Lake City's Mormons into Liberal Catholics that love NASCAR, and serve as a precursor to his presidential run of the Gaza Walk for Hunger. Romney obtained information about this plot, and immediately infected Kerry with a virus which turned him into a fickle cat who couldn't make up his mind and who was spineless. Kerry was then unable to decide whether or not to drop the bomb, and the olympics, along with the Mormons of America, were saved.

To help spread his word, he does the mormon rule of thumb when trying to influence people. He has his legion army go door to door trying to convince people. Here is the mormon army programmed guidelines.

  • 1. Knock on door twenty times.
  • 2. Peer through windows, even if small children are trying to hide.
  • 3. If you see anyone, dart back to door, and chew off doorknob.
  • 4. When they open the door, peel your eyelids back in hopes of hyponotizing them.
  • 5. Scream at them, at thirty billion decibels; "HEELLLLLLOOOOOOO!"
  • 6. Try to tell them that you need them in the worst way.
  • 7. When they close the door, begin catapualting their home with flamming bags of john Goodman's crap.

Confusion with Former Governor of Massachusetts

Mitt Romney, the Republican candidate for president, is the former governor of Massachusetts. There has been some confusion in the media recently because another politician by the same name was also the governor of the Soviet Socialist Republic of Massachusetts, before it broke off from the USSR and became the independent People's Republic of Massachusetts. This confusion has been the source of much slander against the Republican, because the stances of the two men are so diametrically opposed that if they were the same person then they would have no clear stance on anything. For example:

  • "Abortion is a good thing. My mother wanted to abort me but it was illegal at the time, so instead she died giving birth. It should have been me."
- Mitt Romney, Governor of Massachusetts
  • "Abortion is always murder. Abortion doctors should be tried and executed for what they do to innocent children. There is no excuse for it. Even if the mother's life is in danger, she should be willing to take the risk for the life of the child."
- Mitt Romney, Governor of Mexico
  • "Not only should gays get married, but ONLY gays should get married, and all straight people should be forced to have gay sex and marry people of the same gender. Being gay is the only way to go. In fact, that's why I'm gay."
- Mitt Romney, Governor of Massachusetts
  • "Gays are horrible evil people. They are worse than Satan. Anyone who has ever so much as had a gay dream should be strung up and executed on the spot. I will personally pistol-whip every queer in America if I'm elected."
- Mitt Romney, Governor of Mexico

Clearly, the two stances are irreconcilable and it's inconceivable that they would both have been uttered by the same man, unless he was a schizophrenic psychopath. The fact that they are actually two different people, however, explains the situation entirely and with no contradiction.

Future Cannibacy

Mitt Romney blows but has not yet made an issue of it.

Mitt Romney is the Resurrect Elect of the Mormon Party. Allowed by the state of Utah and Resurrect Joseph Smith. Currently he is running as a Republican for the presidential canidacy of 2008. One of Mitt Romney's issues is that as president he would offer an ammendment to the Constitution of the United States of America that will ban gay marriage, but will allow for plural marriage. Another of the key issues on his anti-gravity platform is that he would reduce funding for so-called or made up sanctuary cities, you decide 2008. Mitt Romney also has a strong stance in the hiring of illegal immigrant barbers because his money goes to his wives and can't afford a $450 haircut as does John Edwards that only has one wife. Mitt Romney also says that he has strong family values as do Protestants and would never have sex outside his marriage( bigoted bastards). In all Mitt Romney politician will flip-flop as hip-hop artist change labels. Mitt Romney believes that his moral authority given to him by the angel Moron and the profet from god and Joseph Smith will indeed let him prevail in the Republican National Party, you decide 2008.

Lots of Money

In April 2007, Mitt Romney defied all expectations and rose more money than any other Republican contender for the White House, thusly proving the God of the Mormon Bible to exist. John McCain, Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson immediately dropped out of the race upon hearing of Romney's divine success. All Democratic candidates, who don't acknowldge the existence of any God, continued their campaigns, but were doomed to inevitable failure because they are brown...Mitt Romney then became pope Palpatine and lived happily ever after until he starved to death for no apparent reason.

Hair

Mitt Romney's Hair is believed to be one of Bob Dole's many inventions. If Bob Dole did actually invent Mitt Romney's Hair, it is certainly among his greatest. Romney is able to use this mystical creation to great effect during his campaigns to hypnotize voters and ensure the continued struggle for Mormocracy.

Bizarro Theory

Some believe that Mitt Romney is not a human being, but rather a clone. When Lex Luthor cloned Superman, he instead got a strange being known as Bizarro--which looked like Superman, thought it was Superman, but for whom everything was backwards. Many speculate that Mitt Romney is the result of a failed attempt to clone Ronald Reagan. He looks like Reagan, thinks he is Reagan, but is sometimes prone to say things like, "I am pro-choice," and "I don't want to go back to Reagan-Bush."

When asked to comment on this theory, Romney replied, "You no am stupid. Me am like you."

The Candidate of Change

After an epic battle with Governor Mike Huckabee in Iowa, in which the Huckabeast soundly defeated him, Romney decided to make an historic announcement: Governor Mitt Romney of Massachusetts and Governor Mitt Romney of Mexico were in fact one and the same.

"I sensed that this is an election about change," he said. "And I wanted to show people that I had the capacity to change." He then explained that he was both the famously liberal governor of Massachusetts and the famously conservative governor of Mexico. "To change my view that dramatically requires a great deal of change!" he said. "I also have the talent of changing into a Mormon Yeti. It's quite an interesting process."

Continuing his theme of change at a campaign rally, he reached into his pockets and pulled out a roll of hundred dollar bills. "You see this," he said, "This is the CHANGE that I got back after I bought my yacht. That's a lot of change! I don't know how you can say that I'm not the candidate of change."

Senator John McCain, preparing to battle Romney in New Hampshire, made just that claim. "My friends, I do not believe that Mitt Romney is the candidate of change," he said. Romney then turned into a Mormon Yeti and attacked McCain. McCain then enabled his geezer powers, smiled, and said something nasty. When asked to comment John Edwards just blinked.

The Candidate of John McCain

Mitt Romney's worst enemy returns from the dead with vengeance on his mind.

After being soundly defeated by John McCain in New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Florida, Romney sensed that the people of America wanted John McCain as president, and altered his message accordingly. "John McCain isn't the candidate of John McCain," he now says on his stump speech, "I am the candidate of John McCain."

Major Rivals and Enemies

Candidates in the 2008 U. S. Presidential Election
Republican Candidates

John McCain the Elder | Rudy Giuliani | Mike Huckabee | Ron Paul | Ronald Reagan's Ghost | Mitt Romney | Tom Tancredo | Fred Thompson | Tommy Thompson

Democratic Candidates

B. Hussein Obama | Hillary Clinton | John Edwards | Mike Gravel | John F. Kennedy's Ghost | Baraq Hussein Osama | Tom Vilsack | Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

Independent Candidates

Ralph Nader


This article uses material from the "Mitt Romney" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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