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Up to date as of February 05, 2010
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

"Just fuck off!"

~ Salieri, Haydn, Bach (all 60 of them), Vivaldi, Handel, Dittersdorf, Cassanovas, Luchesi, Billings, Boccherini, Danzi, Kraus, Cherubini, Cimarosa, Beethoven, Emperor Joseph II, The Archbishop of Salzburg, the entire population of France, and everyone after 1756 on Mozart
“If some arrogant kid comes along and steals my popularity, I'll eat my wig”
~ Everybody before 1756 on Mozart

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (Pronounced Wolverine Deus Ex Machina Poptart) (29th February 1756 - 28th February 1791) was a prolific composer of muzak and totally got his ass kicked by Beethoven. He composed 163,034 "pieces" in his short life time. His most recognisable pieces include "Bits I Nicked off Myslivicek", "Amateur Bach Hour", "Eine Kleine Scheisshaus Musik", and half of the Requiem in d minor.90% of his output has been subject of intense litigation from various lesser known composers like Giuseppe Sarti and Josef Myslivicek. The Luchesi claim is still before a jury.

Contents

Biography

Early Life

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was born in a manger in Bethlehem. He was visited there by three wise marketing consultants who were to aid him in his quest for Shopping Mall dominance."Remember, Mozzy my boy," they told him "keep it simple, none of this Cesti/Carissimi crap. People want to be able to groove as they shop. My boy, your gonna knock Andrew Lloyd Webber for six. I can see the dollar signs already." Thanks to their guidance, he remains the only composer able to shift more units in a day than Kylie Minogue did in her whole career whilst still being taken seriously by musical snobs.

Impressed by the young bastard's potentially lucrative talents, Leopold Mozart enrolled young Wolfgang in the not particularly famous Viennese Institute of Muzak, where tutors remarked that he had "displayed prodigious talents in composing vacuous simple minded 4/4 tunes over a Myslivicek bass". By the age of six he had already composed 63,039 pieces, and began to make a name for himself through performing in Vienna's exclusive hotels and nightclubs. At the age of seven Mozart reached infamy after he signed a lucrative promotional deal with EMI.

Early Death

Mozart PLAYIN Ze PIANO!!!! (please note how alike his teeth are to the keyboard of a piano.)

By the age of 13 Mozart had already composed 143,392 pieces in a variety of other people's styles, including about 46 totally forgettable symphonies, 16,221 operas of which about a dozen are still played in Wallmart and 10 pieces of classical music. However, despite the energy he dedicated to plagiarising the fuck out of everybody, he was already being deified by the deaf, the blind, the paralysed and people suffering from syphilis and leprosy, by the time of his untimely death. He still remains an almost unquestioned genius in such circles, although in recent years there has been some growth in the brain dead consumer share of his commodity value. Indeed it is this particular group who seem to dominate now.

His funeral was well attended - 13 admirers turned up and were buried with him (by popular request).The presider noted that: "The keyboardist attempted to play one of his sonatas, but fell asleep halfway through the exposition through sheer tedium".

Myths and controversies

Wolfie's 'hood, Salzburg, was the Compton of the Classical Era.
  • Mozart was a composer.
  • There remain some controversies in regard to Mozart's portrayal in the movie "Amadeus". In it, he is portrayed as somebody who wrote serious music. A lawsuit is being filed.
  • Mozart was murdered by Antonio Salieri:

When on his deathbed Tony Salieri told a henchman; "Mugsy, make it clear I never moidered Mozart", it wasn't for the want of trying. Salieri, at the time, ran hugely lucrative Opera and Symphony rackets and, for a considerable time, controlled the whole of Vienna's east side. He was also signed to Columbia Records so when Mozart appeared on the scene, it set alarm bells ringing.

Although the Salieri boys HAVE been linked by musicologists to numerous attempts on Mozart's life ranging from a crocodile in the cot to a chainsaw in a Clavichord, no evidence links them to his eventual true demise. It is interesting to note, however, that the idea that Salieri may have murdered Mozart increased Columbia's share of the Classical market tenfold and is now thought to be a good example of corporate PR rightly playing its audience.

It is of course a great irony for all concerned that somebody who spent his entire life dodging daggers, holding little round black bombs with fuses and being made the target of various "Acme" products, should have ended up dying of natural causes. So Tony Salieri didn't "moider" Mozart. Indeed it is now believed that his abject failure in carrying out this particular assassination attempt time and time again may have led to his own early demise and his body being found floating down the River Danube in a sack. what a pity.

Selected Work List

Main article: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: Selected Work List

  • I'm-a Kinda Notmusic
  • Symphony No. 662 in M double natural symphonic minor (Jupitty)
  • The Death of Zeus
  • String Quartet No. 79 in Z minus zero (Disonit)
  • Ode to Mustard
  • Clarinet Concerto No. -5 in Your mom's face

Piano Concertos

  • No. -∞ (Negative Infinity)
  • No. -1010100 (Pick Your Nose)
  • Nos. -100 - -1 (The 'Pre-birth' Concertos)
  • No. 0 in M minor (Mars Rover)
  • Nos. 1 - 4 (The 'Plagiarism' Concertos)
  • Nos. 5 - 8 (The 'Forgotten' Concertos)
  • No. 9 in E sharp major (January)
  • No. 10 for 2 Pianos in F double flat chromatic minor (Two Men Brushing Their Teeth)
  • No. 11 in D flat minor (Waxing Gibbous Moon)
  • No. 12 in A double natural harmonic major (To Moon a Blackbird)
  • No. 13 in B flat major (Wal-Mart)
  • No. 14 in C flat minor (Viking)
  • No. 15 in G triple sharp symphonic minor (Chromatic)
  • No. 16 in C minor and G sharp major (Double-Key)
  • No. 17 in A flat minor (My Dead Parakeet)
  • No. 18 in C flat melodic major (No Specific Purpose)
  • No. 19 in F flat major (I Need Something to Do)
  • No. 20 in A concert minor (Wax On, Wane Off)
  • No. 21 in B sharp contrary major (Elvis Presley)
  • No. 22 in E sharp harmonic major (Michael Jackson)
  • No. 23 in H major (King Alexandria)
  • No. 24 in S symphonic major [Dedicated to Saddam Hussein and Barack Osama]
  • 'No. 25 in C majorhttp://images.wikia.com/common/releases_201001.3/skins/common/images/button_italic.png' (The Roman Empire)
  • No. 26 in E flat sharp double natural harmonic/symphonic major/minor (Craponation)
  • No. 27 in atonality (The Lunar Prospector Spacecrap)
  • No. 28 in B sharp augmented major (Mudfarts)
  • No. 29 in H hook medium (Procession of the Fat Dorks)
  • No. 30 in C retrograde inverted flat/sharp phrygian (I'm bored)
  • No. 31 in v mediant minor (I hate J. S. Bach)
  • No. 2,594,495,283,285,100,900,857,382,973,198 (Universe War XXXVII)
  • No. 1010100 in an unknown key (1010100 Years Later)
  • No. ∞ in As many keys as the number of piano concertos Mozart wrote (Infinity)

Symphonies

  • No. -273.15 in A major (Absolute Zero)
  • No. 0 in G sharp major (Zero)
  • No. 1 in C sharp major (In Memory of George Dubya Bush)
  • No. 2 in No specific key (Let's Nuke taiwan)
    • 1st Movement (Atonal): Jujesh varahe von Taipoopwan (The Taiwan Nuke Plan)
    • 2nd Movement (Z sharp non-melodic minor): Jingli tekeli Toupeewan (Taiwanese Toupee Proposal)
    • 3rd Movement (The worst possible sounds): Scherzo: Eions garpchicj von nono taiwanno in de la titallo (Notice that I didn't capitalise "taiwan" in the title.) [The score of the third movement shows that Mozart did not write any notes. Rather he wrote Bavare jingjesh varejuoh; sworslodi prashishi shroundghisnom, ahshremosh, or "Any notes you want; the worst possible sounds, please."'']
    • 4th Movement: Rondo: Allegro agitato, con brio La jujesh nuko atomico bombo con brio Taiwanno (Let's nuke Taiwan happily with an atomic bomb)
  • Nos. 3 - 29.33... (The 'Symphonic' Symphoies)

See also

Decomposed Australian Composers
Anton Bruckner | Joseph Haydn | Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart | Arnold Schoenberg | Franz Schubert

Isn't Mozart what hangs on the wall of Homer's favorite bar?


This article uses material from the "Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Wackypedia

Up to date as of February 07, 2010
(Redirected to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart article)

From Wackypedia

Nobody's here... nobody's here. Nobody's here nobody's here Nobody's here nobody's here

~ Mozart's answering machine

He was Mozart and all the time. Since he was a young peeyana playa he liked to dance about like a crazed retard splashing cold water on his head to make him think better. He didn't doe and his thinking turned into splurge, whence it came unto your file. He was all like "YEA BABY YEA" but Ghandi certainly didn't approve. Not much at least of my alligator ranch, *HORF*.

Motzart as a very cocky teen.

Early lif

His early lif consisted of many dabblings in the dark arts whence he came upon the golden snake of terror which in turn would shape his highly high brow verses throughout his entire lif. The snake passed away but was buried with Mozart's mum. After that he became cocky and started bossing his man servants about, like. Middle class yuppie, dicked.

Motzart in the "ARG!" years. Troubled times.

By this time his punkish attitude towards the establishment earned him a pump action rifle which he used to shoot musical cows with in the fields of old Hertfordshire downs. Nice time he had one and all 'cept for the cows, which he promptly said good day too. With that he kissed the sky and went to eat a turkey that was half way between life and death, possibly roaming in the floats of purgatory.

Musical things that he did, like

He did music by using his trumpet to parp out a bootifull melody of serene beauty in a bee's head while riding a turnip, on the moon, while on the edges of a black holes event horizon. TAKE THAT IRA!

While on a holiday to Spain he died, though, because his anus swallowed him whole.


This article uses material from the "Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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