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Newry
Motto: 'Yer Ma'
State Ireland
Official nickname Shopping Capital Of Europe
Official languages Irish Main Faith = Judaism
Mayor Sir Marty Bogroll
Established 1900
Re-Established 1902
Currency Disappointed Tourists, Car Bombs, sheep, Shit from Sainsburys, Southerners, Red Diesel
Opening hours Closed half day on Wednesday
Civic anthem "Take Me To The Hospital"
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Newry.
“High Church, Low Steeple; Dirty Streets, Proud People”
~ Jonathan Swift on visiting Newry
“I wandered lonely as a cloud/ on broken bot's of Buck/ A local lad in high tones, loud;/ "Piss off ye poncy fuck."”
~ William Wordsworth on "Impressions of Newry"

Newry (from the Irish: Iúr Cinn Trá meaning "Inbred wasteland", short form An tIúr, "The Yew") is the fourity th-largest city in Northern Ireland and has the largest community of Skeetz in Ireland. The River Clanrye, which runs through the city is normally used as a bath for these gypsies to bath and wash in, located halfway between Dublin and Belfast is Newry which thinks it's a city, as well as the central hive to two particular types of chav scum...the Skeet, a common street urchin and the Culchie, a wannabe GAA (Gaelic Athletic Accociation) shit head who's idea of a pimped ride is their fathers Massie Ferguson Tractor.

Newry is an absolutely brilliant place. Or is it? [1]

Contents

History

Being nestled in so called Bandit Country both particular types of spieces thrive off their alleged links with the IRA (the ra!) or Provos, none or which are remotely true. Oddly enough they are anti-drugs i.e. Hash, anyone deemed smoking this is a hippy. "Get a hair cut yee hippy yeho!"

Newry used to run annual boat races in the canal, the boats would be sailed and crewed by local lunatics who came out from their local housing estates just to take part in this event. These lunatics would build the boats from materials they found in the local pub. Usually Guinness kegs and tables, and stuff found from the canal itself like trolleys, dead bodies and Lofty Larkin.

Occasionally the citizens of this fine 11th century battlement will come together after a feed of pints from McGlogan's or several ecstasy pills in a ritual known colloquially as "copulation". Anthropologists had previously put this down to a local desire to see the population thrive. However, recent studies indicate that this is not, in fact, the case. Professor I. Swallows-McGuinness of Brown Eye University, Co. Donegal has stated that: "These buck-o's are breedin' to defend themselves from a perceived raid of shoppers from the county cork and the big shmoke in Dublin. Ye can hardly blame them given the reputation of these Fine Gael harbourin' blue shirt bastards, but it's lead to mass hysteria when anyone with a southern accent crosses the border into their town...so it has."

There have been several reported cases relating to southern reg larsony and, more commonly, incitement to racial hatred e.g. "Get outta ar fuckin' towyn ye border rapin' west brit hypocrites. I'm tryin' ta buy a loaf-a bread"

People

The Goat

The Goat was an urban myth in Newry. She would use her special radar system to locate pupils from Newry High School. Upon locating an unsuspecting pupil, she would unleash her deadly weapon of choice "The Bent Crutch!" to exterminate the victim. But, being the cruddy old goat that she was, she could not finish the job. Most kids would shout at her and throw bins at her instead. (Although, Keith Shields did kick her shit in outside the Courthouse in 1986!)

Dress Sense or Lack Of

Dress sense is rather similar to that of regular chavs; Skeets can be regularly seen acquiring their attire in Louis Boyds, (general Ben Sherman etc) and Newry Market.

Big bunch of bollocks' who think they're wee tight lads goin round in their Fred Perry gear. They usually end up with the wrong ear pierced makin the lads look like a bunch of faggots (thus confirming the beliefs of the rest of the population). On a Friday night these lads roam the streets of Newry lookin for fights with lads at least 5 years younger than themselves but in the end get their arses handed to them. The female skeets on the other hand are a bunch of uneduacated bimbos who's only real purpose is to 'get takin up the rung' and increase the skeet population, These girls can also be found trying to act like a male in order to look 'hard' but only making themselves look like ugly hookers with no sense of dress. Coming of age when being a skeet in Newry begins with carry outs in various spots in the town (Buckfast i.e Lurgan Champagne/Wifebeater and Cider ie Ding/Barrack-Buster/Beat-the-Wife) but general pub going starts at around 12 in Squires or if feeling dangerous The Barge. One would move up the ladder to the Quayside and once it had been mastered and you had graduated from Wikedy Blues on to a draught pint you can try your luck at O'Dowds where a chance at getting in to the adjoining club The Relic would be attempted.

Did you know...
Elvis never visited Newry.

South Down Offenders Flute Band also come from Newry bringing musical talent to the city. They are well wicked and hold many fans all over Newry and the rest of Northern Ireland. There parade takes place on the last friday of August which packs the streets full of local people, nervous police and over 5 bands. They hold a membership of at least 40 and many others joining. All these members live in Newry and are keeping the Jewish/Yiddish faith in Newry 'Loud and Proud'.

Although People of newry look like Complete Charmers, This is not the case, Some you may (and probably should avoid) such as -

  • They are wearing a pair of tracksuit bottoms which look as though they were bathed in a washing machine of shit
  • They shout seemingly heart-warming things such as ' Aye Walk On ' or ' Yur ma was a ride last night boii'
  • They are with a girl who wears her hair in a pony tail and has massive ear-rings and would suck You for a fiver
  • They have an ear peircing that looks 'self-inflicted'
  • They have aids and leprosy
  • They are carrying a tyre which they later will burn leaving a black hole in the ground
  • They are ugly or look like sloth out of the goonies

Worst of all is the common names that non-skeets are given such as the usual Gay or Hippie but more surprising is "Slayer" used in the context 'You're a Slayer!/Slay your dog! Eat it's tail! etc'. You could also be branded a wobbly if you dont like dance music or, more specifically, Basshunter, These inbred believe that to be music. Best not to explain why it's not because it will reasult in ' a' Good battrin' ' or anal rape

Skeet phrases include - slide on ye wobbley, skirt lively you skeety-boppin rotten head, wop those bags down, luk at the bears on thon, smell your teeth, me and your ma you bifter, is it because I am black?, Pure, Rotten dot cotton, s'craic? and other such local colloquialisms.

Unfortunately, we have recently fallen victim to the Credit Crunch which is sweeping the nation, losing Woolies from Newry, was such a shame to see it go :(

Love Capital

Looking for love? Look no further than Newry!

Newry is infact, the #1 place to look for anal love. Can't You just smell the love? No, what you are infact probably smelling is the fumes coming from the newry canal. But anyways, newry holds many keys for finding love such as the local 'BRYMCA' club, Which infact, use to be called the 'BRY', (barcroft republcan youths), which then changed to 'bacroft rebublican Young mans cock association' because they soon relised that they couldn't hide the fact that they all were homosexual and 'came out' in spring 2005.

But if You are not homosexual and you prefer 'fishy fingers' then go no further than Hilltown club,(othersise known as a pathetic excuse for a disco), it used to be a barn for farmers to rape sheep and goats in but they decided it wasn't making them enough money so they opened this Hip, new centruy shithole and put shit cultie remixes in the background and charge £5 to force you to listen to it.

Or if you prefer fat tree-trunk legs and a face-full of fecal matter then we strongly suggest you talk to some of the chaming teenage foul mouthed girls of newry.

(GON)'Girls Of Newry' Slogan - If It has a penis then it must be human!

And Finally, if you are completely desparate then we suggest you try the toilets in local restaurant 'Frair Tucks', BUT BEWARE! If you see drawn in black marker, a phone number with the words "CALL FOR LOVE!", We strongly recomend you do not do what it initially says.

kuyt2-toe.jpg

Typical local girl of Newry, Her Facial Expression suggests she is ready to Mate, Lucky For You!

Housing areas

Places to stay away from in Newry

  • Drumalane: Here there is a group of youths and practice their boxing skills on the Polish people that have recently moved in. (If Polish Beware)
  • Mourne View: Walking past here late a night you could find your self soon to be a father. This part of town has a very high teen pregnancy rate, this due to the large number of Sluts that wander here. .. TRAMPS
  • Derrybeg: Complete shithole and the smelliest part of Newry.
  • Ballybot: Full of complete cretins, inbred from Gypos and all with an average IQ of 8.
  • Shandon Park / Latt Crescent and estate: Latvian area of Newry, home to the mighty boosh band South Down Defenders. If you support Celtic, Come on over! !
  • Greenfield: The name does not describe this place in any way. Watch out for Davy Danko stalking children, if under 12 BEWARE!!! Mongon's flat is a great place to visit if your in the area and he will invite you in to sit on his fish infested couch. also, if you hear a person shouting randomly in the streets its probably just Lee McGovern talking to Buttons(Ruairi Murphy). great night life in the park with the RRL visiting on the weekends. If your lookin food poisoning don't go any further than Harveys, best under cooked food in the town. Greenfeild is the "hardest" part of newry apparently from unknown sources. A "lad" who called himself "brendy beh" Said that it was infact the opposite and it was "thA plAcE tA Be".. We could not decide weither this brendy beh , was truthful because who was exhumed of WKD . greenfied is a good place if ye ask me but watch out 4 the one we call shane dernun he lurks the streets and plays tig with the little ones usually found in the park or in the church singin and ppraisin jesus
  • The Point Road: Smells of crap. Walkin down here at night could result in getting mugged or beat up. Drug dealer central
  • Barcroft: A loaf of bread would cost you £5.30 from the shop here and that’s after your lucky enough to escape a beating from the local hoods before you even make it to the shop.
  • Latt: The name "Latt" meaning Latvian stronghold is a small estate, yet a community that has big beliefs and passion in keeping South Down Offenders (Latvian Division) alive in Newry. On the 1st of July you can see the mighty flags of Latvia that are erected by the people.

Town Areas

Sugar Island

Charming locals performing their native dance (to the tune of YMCA), to attract a mating partner.

Sugar Island the Chinatown area of Newry with a large number of Chinese residents. In Sugar Island you can sample some for Newry’s finest Chinkey and Packie foods. There is a large selection of fast food take aways in this area of the town mainly Chinese. Just across from sugar island is the Bank bar, McSwiggins pub, the Bridge bar and the bridge off licence. The bank is the place to be if you want to get a beating from door staff, they usually take you inside give you a beating then throw you on the street, however Newry has a very good emergency service who will be at the scene in no time at all to transport you to Crazy Hill Hospital so your teeth can be placed back into your mouth.

Heather Park

Heather Park is the local carryout spot in Newry, on fine summer evenings you can go there to get steaming and meet crowds for fellow Newry people who mingle there also to get steaming. Things to look out for while in Heather Park are the PSNI (Black Bastards) they will take your carry out and ask you to move on. Other things to watch out for are random tramps who may try to start fights with you for no reason. Heather Park I located near Newry’s Court house.

Buttercrane Carpark

Friday night in the Buttercrane carpark - AVOID IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET BOTTLED OR BEAT UP BY A BUNCH OF BUCKFAST DRINKING YOUTHS!!! Walking or driving past this carpark at night, you may hear the chanting of these wonderful youths - "Aye your ma".. "Here ba 'gis that bottle a' Bucky ye dick ye"... Just stay away from it... for your own sake!

Shithole===Nightlife/death=== Up the road we have the underage club Hitizle (once known as Hilltown) is where the sexual misadventures begin. On the border there is the barn which is a fucking excuse for a club, Lacyes, and Barn it is with a farmyards worth of animals and happy hardcore. Locals are aroused by the sound of Country and Western remixes. This musi caused so many drivers on the nearby N1 to faint of happiness and crash their vehicles into nearby Ravensdale Glen. A re-sited dual-carriageway has been constructed and is now common to see Northern cars exceeding 120mph, using the excuse that they do not understand kilometres.

Five FM

Local radio station, soon to be downgraded to Four FM due to 4 being the accurate number of listeners.

Controversy

When Banjo Bannon became the first person from Newry to officially climb to the summit of Mount Everest, his brother, Double Bass Bannon contested that fact, claiming he had achieved the same feat 2 years previous, but did not brag about it.

A monument erected in Banjo's honour had to be adjusted to reflect the revelation. 2 weeks after the claim, Double Bass took back the claim, saying he was only joking, but felt left out of the limelight that his brother was basking in. The monument had to be re-adjusted to it's previous state. Unfortunately, during that process, Banjo's name was mis-spelt and now says Bano.

Footnotes

  1. No, its a complete shit hole.

See also


This article uses material from the "Newry" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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