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October 1: Winter Paradox (Eastern Hemisphere), Contagious Disease Appreciation Day

  • 1/0 AD - I was born... My name is "undefined"
  • 331 BC - Alexander the Great defeats Darius III of Persia in the Battle of the Bands.
  • 1987 - Malaysia :the smartest guy born in Sibu.
  • 1890 - 'Yosemite Sam' National Park established.
  • 1928 - The Soviet Union introduces its first Five-Year Plan, which is to come up with another five year plan in five years.
  • 1930 - "October 1 day" celebrated in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1960 - Nigeria gains independence from the United Kingdom. This event is celebrated by a solemn ten seconds of not sending spam emails.
  • 1962 - Riots in Mississippi as Alabama wins the "America's most racist state" award. Alabama's victory brought to an end Mississippi's 30-year winning streak.[1]
  • 1963 - Intelligent design is no longer taught in schools after the California State Board of Education is created.
  • 1964 - The Free Speech Movement is launched on the campus of University of California, Berkeley. Previously students had been charged up to a nickle per syllable for each word uttered.
  • 1971 - Orlando, Florida founded after settlers discover Walt Disney World.
  • 1975 - Muhammed Ali declared the eventual winner against Joe Frazier in a fight dubbed the "Battle in Guadacanal".
  • 1979 - The Hunt For Red October officially began. It was supposed to start on September 28th, but they waited a couple of days to save them changing the name.
  • 1998 - Raccoon City is destroyed by three cruise missiles and repeated aerial bombardment in an attempt to contain a T-Virus outbreak
  • 2003 - Bournemouth recognised as a city by the British government, entire world shocked.
  • 2004 - In a desperate bid to diversify its business Microsoft engineers and a team from Wigan University, England invent the pineapple chunk.
  • 2005 - Official Reminder: September has now ended. Now is an appropriate time to wake up Billie Joe from Green Day.
  • 2007 - 12 men celebrate Man Flu by going on an all night bender, only 5 survive, a doctor prescribes reruns of Match Of The Day and plenty of Nuts magazines.a.j hastings willingly raped by 24 men
  • 2007 - Punch me in the Nuts Barney is launched and instantly becomes a sell-out.
  • 2009 - Swine Flu kills everybody but the Republican leaders. They die soon afterward due to the fact they never learned how to feed themselves.

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October 2: Orgasm Day

  • 1835 - The Texas Revolution begins where the Mexican soldiers attempt to disarm the people of Gonzales, Texas to stop them reaching orgasm, but encounter stiff resistance from a hastily assembled pornography stockpile.
  • 1870 - The Great Tomato War begins
  • 1876 - Six women are killed in test of first steam-powered vibrator. It's inventor, Havelock Schtumpf, is never seen again.
  • 1889 - In Colorado, Nicholas Creede strikes it rich during the last great orgasm boom of the American old west.
  • 1919 - US President Woodrow Wilson reaches orgasm and suffers a massive stroke, leaving him partially paralyzed.
  • 1924 - The Geneva Protocol is adopted as a means to strengthen the length of male orgasm.
  • 1949 - 500,000 male steel workers win improved retirement benefits, orgasms.
  • 1956 - The beginning of the great orgasm shortage.
  • 1966 - The orgasm shortage ends, around 2 billion people all orgasm at the same time, vibrating the earth closer to the sun by around 500 miles. Scientists predict a slow and steady increase in global temperature.
  • 1985 - I invent the orgasm. Repeatedly. With your mom.
  • 1986 - Your Mum jokes get old. Again.
  • 1995 - Someone in Paris orgasms. Rioting ensues.
  • 1996 - Furbies debut, eating the souls of the overpriveledged.
  • 2013 - Chuck Norris orgasms, man is wiped out.

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Example of a shiny ass, on the hampster!

October 3: National Day of Retrofitting Your Hamster with a Metal Ass (Japan)

  • -1195 AD - The King of Persia launches a surprise attack on Rome with their new and improved rugs. Cesar Chavez's army crushes the attacks with a combined Pirate and Ninja fleet.
  • 1024 - Viagra cookies are invented by Superman and Elton John.
  • 1645 - Roman blacksmith is first to create cast iron ass for his five year old son's pet hamster.
  • 1915 - Steel prices skyrocket due to the large number of pet hamsters owned in Japan.
  • 1928 - Shiny chromed hamster asses are all the rage this year.
  • 1929 - Hamster asses can now be programmed to "Jitterbug".
  • 1952 - Due to shortages of metal after World War II, hamsters are forced to wear discarded cutlery.
  • 1978 - Aluminuim asses are proved to give greater power to weight ratio for the hamster.
  • 1982 - Discovered that uranium hamster ass was "probably not a very good idea".
  • 1983 - Giant, rabid, razor-toothed uranium-assed hamsters install metal asses to the entire human population of Tokyo.
  • 1988 - Geroge H.W. Bush is voted in as the first President to ever have a pet hamster with a metal ass.
  • 1990 - David Hasselhoff reunited Germany by pissing on the Berlin Wall
  • 1995 - OJ Simspon did it
  • 2004 - PETA activists blockade McDonalds fast-food outlets to protest against the cruel, barbaric process of retrofitting hamsters with metal asses.
  • 2015 - Apple creates the iLife, therefore having a lifespan of 6 months before something newer and better than you is released.
  • 2017 - Newly Elected Hamster Commander-in-Chief 'Fuzzy' proclaims "all hamsters with metal asses to be 'out' and all hamsters with funny fruit hats to be 'in.'"
  • 2020 - Osama Bin Laden arrested by PETA police for hurting a hamster in deep Afghanistan

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October 4: International Holiday In Space Day, National Day of No National Holidays (Botswana), International Zombie appreciation day

  • 9000 BC - Crisis on Negative Earth 3!
  • 13 - Jesus had his first wank.
  • 21 - Jesus got his first mortgage.
  • 1582- Gregorian Calendar is implemented, skipping straight from October 4 to October 15. This new calendar replaced the Julian Calendar, and was the final straw in a massive flame war between Julius Caesar and Pope Gregory the Great.
  • 1957 - Freak traffic accident results in the launching of a motor home into space. Intergalactic cops quickly come by to ask them to keep the party noises down.
  • 1980 - The 80s are back!
  • 1989 - The 70s are back! \m/ - Also, Drugs-Are-Legal Day!!!
  • 2004 - The First Post-It Is posted in the Post it note war.
  • 2005 - Steve Ballmer claims yet another victim.
  • 2006 - Colorado and Wyoming change shared border.
  • 2006 - Mother Nature sinks Louisiana, New York, most of Florida and some of North Calorina
  • 2006 - Texas splits into 3 pieces - Box, New Texas and Dubyaland
  • 2006 - Iraq becomes New Louisiana. Nike Revolution of 2006 ends.
  • 2006 - Cold War Ind. is created, becoming the first business to consist entirley of nothing, except a logo and a team of 2 young, handsome boys. Homosexuality in businesses still frowned upon.
  • 2010 - Astronauts celebrate Fourth of July with salvo of fireworks, which explode in the atmosphere. Toxic dust kills millions in China.
  • 2064 - The space cow is discovered. The first space cheese is made within four days.
  • 2065 - NATO is recognized as the west compensating for something'

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Sophia prefers real sex to telegraph sex.

October 5: National Telegraph Appreciation Day, brought to you by TT&A, your local telegraph provider

  • 1337 BC - The telegraph is invented by Greek inventor Teleos Graphodopoulos.
  • 337 BC - Alexander the Great celebrates 1,000th anniversary of telegraphy by having world's first telegraph sex with his lover, George Michael; boasts of his "long dash."
  • 663 - Meheomod, a.k.a. Mohammed, telegraphs his intentions to destroy all Christian infidels. Celebrations of telegraph's 2,000th anniversary are cancelled.
  • 1371 - Blinding snowstorm snarls traffic, downs telegraph lines in Ming Dynasty's first test of emergency preparedness.
  • 1921 - The World Series was broadcast on the radio for the first time. Telegraph announcer at the World Series loses all fingers trying to keep up. He sues all radio owners making them give him their fingers; He now has over a million fingers on each hand.
  • 1926 - The first error 404 appeared in a telegraph (in this thing called the "internet")
  • 1931 - Before crashing in France, the British airship R101 sends an urgent SOS telegram, until they realize there's nothing connected onto the other end of it.
  • 2001 - Telegraph service finally arrives in Kentucksylvania.
  • 2006 - Google and SUN Microsystems release their thin-client telegraph server, codenamed GTelegraph, to combat Microsoft.
  • 2006 - Western Union cancels telegraphic service, saying "We're gonna try out this new telly-phone deal the kids are so fond of."
  • 2008 - George Michael confessess his love of crack and Tom Cruise markets his new video game.
  • 2009 - Peru runs out of biscuits due to a telegraphic error in the shipping quote.

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October 6 : Anniversary of the Invention of Fire, World's Most Dangerous Day To Be Flammable

  • 4,327,340 B.C. - Fire is invented. Matches, which had been in use for years beforehand, now finally have a use.
  • 4,327,339 B.C. - The competition to create the biggest bang results in the accidental creation of aerosols.
  • 105 B.C. - The Greeks invent a fire which doesn't go out when in contact with water. They call it "Greek Fire".
  • 103 B.C. - A hasty rebranding of "Greek Fire" goes wrong, and the newly renamed "AlphaFire+" is scrapped. Nobody bothers to write down the formula.
  • 1081 - King Wilhelm IV of North West Prussia dies. The North West Prussia Gazette finally has front page news that doesn't involve the word "sauerkraut".
  • 1611 - Several people are executed for "petty theft" in Hungary, much to the amusement of the Austrians, who framed them.
  • 1612 - Hungary goes to war with Austria.
  • 1613 - Several Austrians are extradited to Hungary, where they are executed for "obstructing the cause of justice". Hungary withdraws from Austria, after 40 million people have died.
  • 1846 - Mr. Georges "Bang-Bang" Firework, of Sparkler Street, Catherine Wheel, New Jersey, finally invents the trampoline.
  • 1859 - Mr. Henry "Boing-Boing" Jumper, of Trampoline Terrace, Bouncy, Ohio, finally invents the firework. Various historians later switch the facts to amuse themselves.
  • 1910 - People realise fireworks are better at night.
  • 1913 - Parties are held throughout London, celebrating the fact that they have just signed a peace treaty with Germany.
  • 1936 - An Austrian physicist discovers the long lost formula for "AlphaFire+". Unfortunately, his lab then burnt down.
  • 1957 - Historians jump with joy as they discover what Edward Crapper invented.
  • 1995 - Several Hungarians nick a firecracker from an Austrian shop, and then proceed to blame some Austrians.
  • 1996 - The Hungarians are burnt at the stake, ironically using their own firecracker.
  • 2002 - The official date of the discovery of fire is discovered by historians. They attribute the discovery to Mr. Alfred "Burn-Burn" Hotstuff.
  • 2009 - The first recorded prank poo occurs in the hallowed halls of Magdalen College, Oxford. Second year medic, William Seligman, in a bid to raise his popularity, and win the future awards for both "most unlikely poo" and "slapshit award", deficates in the attic corridor outside his room. Later protests of innocence are ignored by an unbiased panel of his peers.

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October 7: International ""

  • -1000 - Cockfighting is invented by Goorg, caveman in Asia Minor. Confusion reigns as roosters square off against genitallia.
  • 1590 - France destroys countless gypsy settlement camps near Paris. Due to the lack of any International Gypsy Protection Open Organisation, nobody cares.
  • 1593 - A displaced French gypsy sets up the International Gypsy Protection Open Organisation (IGPOO). Now everybody cares.
  • 1802 - IGPOO successfully sue the Romanian Government for using the word "Romany" in their name.
  • 1947 - Engrand is set up, a few years before spell check is invented.
  • 1959 - Simon Cowell, English recording executive and television judge is born. The doctors who brought him into the world have since been subject to much hatred.
  • 1960 - Kennedy & Nixon debate the Cold War and penis length in the second of four scheduled debates.
  • 1970 - Richard Nixon announces he has a penis and launches a new five-point peace proposal to end the Vietnam War.
  • 1980 - Ronald Reagan announces his plans to resolve the energy crisis and hostage situation in the Middle East by "whipping it out". Reagan wins the election.
  • 1997 - The song Detachable Penis becomes a solid gold, rock hard hit (for a few minutes).
  • 2000 - While in a fervored political debate on the O'Reilly factor, Japanese Prime Minister Mori Yoshiro mispronounces "election". Thousands snicker.
  • 2001 - U.S. invades Afghanistan with an air assault, to eradicate all small penises.
  • 2003 - California governor Gray Davis loses his penis and is replaced by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  • 2007 - Actor Daniel Radcliffe, concerning a penis-enhancement e-mail, sues "that guy who keeps offering to make my penis larger" for sexual harrassment; "that guy", who turns out to be Jesus, claims to have been trying to work on his miracle-performing skills.
  • 2012 - Penis enthusiast create the nation of Cockistan

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October 8: War on Terra celebrations, International Best Inventions Ever Day

  • 6000 BC - God invents breasts
  • 5999 BC - Woman invents sin
  • 5998 BC - Pornography is invented. There is no war for the next thousand years.
  • 5997 BC - Lesbian porn is invented. The first case of carpal tunnel is documented.
  • 5996 BC - Lotion is invented.
  • 2600 BC - Mayans invent chocolate
  • 500 - Germans invent beer
  • 800 - Vikings invent awesome helmets with horns on them.
  • 1234 - Handgun is invented. This later inspires the invention of real guns.
  • 1337 - Mexico joins forces with Pirates and the Leet tribe.
  • 1338 - Ninja Jesus declares war on Mexico, which turns out to be an attempt at distraction, for he has more plans up his sleeve.
  • 1339 - Ninja Jesus reveals his plans, and you are too late to hear them.
  • 1496 - Oscar Wilde invents Unclyclopedia
  • 1921 - Americans invent bacon cheeseburger
  • 1945 - U.S. Army develops gun that shoots guns that shoot swords
  • 1949 - Danes create Lego
  • 1952 - Deep fried spam invented
  • 1958 - Segway invented in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1959 - Rioting invented.
  • 1963 - Hippies invent Free Love
  • 1964 - Hippies sell free love for pot.
  • 1979 - Victoria's Secret Catalogue introduced. This is followed days later by a worldwide lotion shortage.
  • 1984 - Wales invents the cheese and ham toastie, it is made their national dish. Students rejoice.
  • 1991 - The big TC's (CLC gals) Birthday buff yiz up yo!!!
  • 1993 - Scientologists revolted. Nobody cared.
  • 1998 - Monkey butlers invented, but those damn PETA activists won't let us have any.
  • 2003 - War on Terra begins when Canada attacks a marble quarry in Vermont, claiming that it was "harboring terra"
  • 2005 - In one of the most controversial friendly-fire incidents of the War on Terra, several shipments of Home Depot terra cotta are bombed by U.S. B-52s.
  • 2006 - Royal Canadian Air Force invents Air-to-Segway missile.

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October 9: Buddha's yearly diet day, Spontaneous Combustion Day, Weasel Stomping Day

  • 4000000 B.C - The first patent is filed, by one Ugg Urugg, for the invention of fire. He then spontaneously combusted.
  • 4997 BC - The start of the porn famine. The first war in a thousand years occurs. Nearly everyone who got some of the scarce porn Spontaneously Combusted.
  • 1187 - Pope Urban III spontaneously combusts.
  • 1187 - The combustion of Pope Urban III kills the dinosaurs by setting off a spontaneous chain reaction.
  • 1812 - Napoleon begins his retreat from Moscow. Only one tenth of his soldiers will return to France alive, with the rest killed by Russian assaults, the bitter winter cold, and spontaneous combustion.
  • 1888 - A giant obelisk was built in Washington in honor of Bill Clinton. It soon spontaneously combusted.
  • 1889 - Once the obelisk was erected (right before it spontaneously combusted), Dick Chenney announces his 10 point plan with viagra.
  • 1919 - The first and only legitimate baseball game was played when the Cincinatti Reds fairly beat the Chicago Black Sox (now known as the Birmingham Niggers).
  • 1962 - Allah is arrested for indecent exposure in a New York nightclub. Upon the horrible sight, everyone spontaneously combusted.
  • 1971 - Cow spontaneously combusts, injuring several people and causing others to go the way the cow did.
  • 1975 - The cod war breaks out. King Herring of Iceland is defeated by a "coalition of the swimming"
  • 1999 - Moses parts the Sea of People on-line to get tickets to Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace Sings, becoming the first to acquire a ticket.
  • 2005 - A Tabloid realeses incriminatory pictures of an athletic Buddha banging Angelina Jolie.
  • 2003 - Fast food consumption rises through the roof with 1 out of 2 people eating fast food on this day!
  • 2006 - Actor Richard Moll, Night Court's Bull Shannon, goes on a rampage in New Dehli, India. He is later cleared of all charges.
  • 2006 - Rumors that George Bush has spontaneously combusted turn out to be untrue, leading the stock market to close down 12%.
  • 2007 - Spontaneous combustion happens in your pants, millions laugh, You run to the store for a new pair of Pants.
  • 2008 - Weasels emerge from a long winters nap and run into towns and small indian villages. They rape the women, pillage and burn down the houses, ultimately leading up the the weasels spontaniously combusting.

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October 10: Not-for-turning Day, Woodmas in the Woodian faith, International Day of No Underwear

  • 19 - Stephen King is given the powers to create the world in his image. He refuses to change this world but writes a book that turned into the first bar of soap. There was much rejoicing. King then announced he was against turning.
  • 1582 - Pope Gregory XIII implements the Gregorian calendar. While not wearing any underwear. Pop Gregroy announced that turning is immoral.
  • 1807 - Canada defeats The Pirate Nation in the Canadian-Pirate War. Canada turns a new leaf even though they're not supposed to turn...
  • 1815 - Napoleon I of France begins his exile on St. Helena in the Atlantic Ocean. He forgets to pack any underwear. When it was his turn to attack, he refused, stating his famous cathphrase, "Turning will give you herpes."
  • 1955 - Jimi Hendrix is spawned from Buddy Holly's guitar and a rum-and-coke while illegaly turning on the New Jersey Turnpike.
  • 1980 - Margaret Thatcher declares that she is not for turning, despite the best attempts of pro-turning lobbyists.
  • 1990 - A dark shadow turns the world around when Clarkie is born.
  • 1992 - Gay children were born.
  • 1995 - Underwear outlawed in Paris. Riots ensue. Jim Morrision turns in his grave.
  • 2006 - North Korea tests nukes. In response, America builds comsat stations; Iran upgrades zealots; Afghanistan makes turning weapons that have no use.
  • 2015 - George Bush dies. He died from aserious case of turning.
  • 2015 - Al Gore is arrested for the turning of an undisclosed ex-politician
  • 2017 - The Communist Party stages a revolution and takes power in Britain. Margaret Thatcher turns in her grave, clearly demonstrating that she has been for turning all along.
  • 2101 - War was beggining. What happen?
  • 4000 - Nerds develop paste that makes them appear attractive. The girls turn red from laughter.
  • 6029 - Heaven discovered. America is first to colonize.

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October 11: Pee Outside Day (Mississippi and West Virginia), Flightless Bird Awareness Day

  • 1450 - France declares war on Australian kangaroos. Rioting is rationed. Rioting ensues.
  • 1581 - Dodos enjoyed for first time by Portuguese.
  • 1766 - Early tests of quick lime as an aphrodisiac prove fatal. English monarchy remains pensive.
  • 1809 - Famed explorer Meriwether Lewis dies of a gunshot wound. Although it is generally believed to be a suicide, others note that suspicious-looking kiwis were seen lurking in the area.
  • 1850 - University of Sydney opens, offering degrees in emu ranching and cassowary wrangling.
  • 1895 - A staging of Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest is disrupted when an ostrich is accidentally let into the theater. Wilde clubs the bird into submission with his shoe.
  • 1958 - Penguin (chocolate bar is invented), Kit Kat is infuriated.
  • 1975 - Saturday Night Live debuts with an emperor penguin as guest host.
  • 1989 - McDonald's introduces the Ostrich McNugget.
  • 1991 - Tyler Frost is born World's best tennis player.
  • 1995 - Sauron dines with Oprah at McDonald's. Afterwards, Oprah tapes a segment on McDonald's discrimination towards heavy eaters.
  • 1998 - The Ostrich McNugget is reported to be a tasty non greasy supplement by Wikipedia, shows what they know...
  • 2001 - 9.46am OJ Simpson is arrested for peeing outside
  • 2001 - 9.57am OJ Simpson invents Peeing Outside Day
  • 2001 - 9.58am OJ Simpson is released a free man.
  • 2004 - McDonalds introduces the Emperor Penguin deluxe kids meal, with 104% penguin testicles.
  • 2008 - Tokyo is promptly flooded with urine upon its massive population simultaneously partaking in Pee Outside Day.

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October 12: International day of using Bible Verses for any purpose whatsoever

  • 29 - From the Book of Punter, Chapter 4, verse 19: "And Bob doth sayeth unto thee, the only thing we have to fear, is me." At this, the people became frightened, and began to question Bob about his faith and relationship to the Nazorean, Jim.
  • 1322 - As being hauleth up the cliffs of insanity, Vizzini informeth Fezzik "Behold now behemoth, which I made with thee; he eateth grass as an ox. Art this not conceivable to thy smallish cranium?"[2]
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus placeth the first "John 3:16" sign in the New World.[3]
  • 1695 - Isaac Newton discovereth the Golden Rule.[4]
  • 1696 - Isaac Newton gets badly bruised after attempting to get retribution on his schoolyard bullies.
  • 1941 - Winston Churchill falleth asunder, crying "My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me"[5]
  • 1958 - Andy Warhol discovereth that a feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry... but money answereth all things.[6]
  • 1989 - Actor Patrick Stewart goeth for a walk. And as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.[7]
  • 1995 - Bill Clinton declareth on oath that thrice was he beaten with rods, once was he stoned, thrice he suffered shipwreck, and a night and a day he has been in the deep.[8]
  • 1999 - The Red Hot Chili Peppers successfully committeth Californication with all the kingdoms of the world upon the face of the earth.[9]
  • 2003 - Jeb Bush, Governor of Florida, maketh an law that will cut off from the people him that pisseth against a wall.[10]
  • 2004 - A court sentenceth Martha Stewart to six months in chains, as well threaten to smite her with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew.[11]
  • 2009 - Spiderman dies by a black widow.
  • 2010 - George W. Bush quotes Ezekiel 25:17 to God before popping a cap in his own ass.[12]

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October 13: International Paranoia Day

  • 54 - Claudius, Roman Emperor (b. 10 BC) is assassinated by the C.I.A. Historians say this is impossible because the C.I.A. wasn't in existence yet... which is exactly what the C.I.A. would like to have you believe.
  • 1792 - Cornerstone laid for the White House. Who lays stones? Masons. What organization did the masons start? Freemasons. Do I need to spell the rest out for you people?
  • 1835 - Nothing of historical significance happened on this day in history... or so the Illuminati would have us believe.
  • 1937 - Aviation pioneer Igor Sikorsky has a bunch of unpainted helicopters sitting around his factory, and gets a deal on 5000 gallons of black paint. The Black Helicopter is invented. You'd have to be pretty naive to think this was just a lucky coincidence.
  • 1939 - Nothing happened in Germany! We were all on vacation! ALLE NATIONEN WERDEN SICH VOR DEUTSCHLAND VERBEUGEN!!!
  • 1947 - Nothing happens at Roswell (wink wink).
  • 1949 - First meeting of the Trilateral Commission... or is it?
  • 1950 - Campaign to flouridate the water supply begun by Communists.
  • 1951 - Members of The Resistance discover that tin foil can block mind control rays.
  • 1955 - The. U.S. Government does not begin top secret operations at Area 51 (wink wink).
  • 1965 - CIA begins spiking the water supply with LSD. The next five years are a fucking blast.
  • 1968 - NASA works feverishly to build the sets for the 1969 "moon landings".
  • 1974 - TV personality Ed Sullivan passes away due to "natural causes". And just like that, the Jews are one step closer to global domination.
  • 1981 - C.I.A. begins research into several devious weapons which will allow them to covertly destroy the fabric of American society, including crack cocaine, AIDS, and Celine Dion.
  • 1983 - An automotive engineer invents an engine that runs for 1000 miles on a gallon of water. He disappears 3 days later and is never seen again.
  • 1999 - They start following me, first its at a distance, but by October they are no more than 100 yards away at any one time.
  • 2000 - Preparations for the 9-11 attacks are begun by agents of the United Nations, the Jews, the CIA, the Vatican, the Frito-Lay company, and the Cub Scouts.
  • 2001 - Now they have bugged my telephone, and I am telling you the apartment opposite has a camera facing into my rooms.
  • 2006 - William Shatner still on TV. I'm telling ya, there's gotta be a conspiracy behind that one.
  • 2007 - Bob Barker is still alive, despite rumors of beliefs that he is suspected to be 124 years old.
  • 2008 - CIA disbanded... or is it just the beginning?
  • 2010 - That Guy is spotted on the roof with a rifle of some sort...
  • 2012 - Nothing apocalyptic will happen... or will it?
  • 27 A.D. - This Jesus guy starts performing miracles. Jews get nervous and decide to kill him.

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October 14: National Hit an Annoying Person in the Head Day

  • 530 - Antipope Dioscorus accidentally collides with Pope Felix IV, thus canceling each other out in a giant, beatific explosion.
  • 1066 - William the Conqueror punches Harold Godwinson in the head at the Battle of Hastings.
  • 1920 - The Norwegian Army completley destroys the cities Stockholm, Denver and Damascus in search for the Kings lost teddy bear, Mr.Biggles
  • 1922 - A man is punched in the head after he uses the elevator to ride a single floor instead of taking the stairs opposite the elevators.
  • 1947 - Test pilot Chuck Yager smacks the sound barrier firmly on the head while flying the Bell X-1. The following year he invents Jägermeister, which returns the favour by smacking him on the head.
  • 1985 - New York is the first state that allows the state troopers to pull over slow drivers and then smack them 'upside the head'.
  • 1989 - Canada initiates its first mime cull. 5,400 street mimes are clubbed in the head with cudgels.
  • 1990 - Leonard Bernstein dies, and then reanimates and terrorizes New York alongside a reanimated Herbert von Karajan.
  • 1992 - Entire Royal Family of Britain smacked 'upside the head'.
  • 1999 - A PC spits a CD out of its CD-ROM drive, hitting Bill Gates in the head. This is the first confirmed instance of artificial intelligence.
  • 2001 - George Dubya smacked in the head with a whiffleball bat. The attacker is not apprehended, but leaves behind a number of pamphlets about global warming.
  • 2002 - Fran Drescher hit in the head with a large halibut. Fortunately, the halibut is unharmed.
  • 2003 - George of the Jungle was captured by a nearby tree, which promptly clubbed him in the head. Apparently the tree was meditating when George's distracting collisions occured.
  • 2004 - The Subways' Jared was knocked unconscious when struck in the face with a stale, footlong loaf of Italian Herbs-'n'-Cheese Bread. As a result, Jared endured several painful operations to remove razor-sharp breadcrumbs and flakes of oregano which are lodged deep in his sinuses.
  • 2005 - Pat Robertson is smacked 'upside the head' with an axe handle. The perpetrator is not apprehended, but he is described as being some kind of "long haired, bearded, freaky hippy type" wearing sandals and a crown of thorns.
  • 2006 - Bill O'Reilly talks condescendingly to a chimpanzee. The chimp wrenches one of O'Reilly's arms out of the socket and then beats him 'upside the head' with his own detached appendage, flinging little bits of O'Reilly everywhere in the process. FOX ratings surge. The chimp is nominated for the Nobel peace prize.

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October 15: International Hell If I Know Day, Stab An Aussie Day (Australia)

  • 5999 BC - Man asks God why he created evil, suffering, and death. God says, "Hell if I know".
  • 1307 - Children worldwide are abducted and probed by aliens for poorly determined reasons.
  • 1582 - God comes back from a 10 day vacation in the Bahamas. Time resumes its natural course. When asked why he took the vacation, God replied, "Hell if I know".
  • 1770 - Australia is claimed by the British. All natives were stabbed, and replaced by British prostitutes, sluts, bitches, whores, thieves, and Douche McFag.
  • 1771 - Kangaroos are invented by Aussies on drugs.
  • 1805 - Archimedes kicks Pythagoras' ass at the Battle of Trafalgar. Archimedes builds gold-plated statue of himself in London. It is knocked down in 1840 by Chavs and the British Government rebuilts a statue of Nelson instead.
  • 1892 - Oscar Wilde's latest comedy of manners, "Hell if I Know", packs the theaters.
  • 1907 - The Royal Navy commissions production of the Dreadnought-class battleship, Hell If I Know, along with her sister ships Who in the World and What the Heck.
  • 1962 - An elephant and a rhino at the National Zoo get it on, producing the world's first elephino.
  • 2004 - An aussie stabed himself. When asked why aussie seid, "Hell if I Know".
  • 2005 - A foreign tourist stabs and Australian with an umbrella before going home and starting a craze of stab-mad Asians.
  • 2006 - Donald Rumsfeld presents latest plan for how to achieve victory in Iraq, tentatively titled "Hell if I Know".
  • 2007 - Someone asks you " Why the hell are you reading this?" You respond: " Hell if I know."
  • 2008 - Someone asks Gordon Brown " How will you lower taxes?" Gordon Brown responds: " Hell if I know."

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October 16: Opening day of hunting season for mimes (United States)

  • 1804 - The first mime turns up in France (at the time, "Non-English England")
  • 1811 - A Deaf Mute begins asking ordering a Big Mac from McDonalds by emulating a heart attack, giving ideas to an Asian businessman
  • 1854 - Oscar Wilde born in riots. Paris ensues.
  • 1901 - Overwhelming number of mimes begins the Chinese one mime per family inititive
  • 1914 - Mime hunting season initiated to control the number of mimes.
  • 1935 - Wisconsin Fish and Game officials note that the current three-a-day bag limit for mimes is unsustainable and could result in the Wisconsin population of mimes being wiped out. As a result, the bag limit is raised to seven a day.
  • 1944 - The 102nd Division of the United States Mime Corps begins its assault on the Germans during the Battle of the Bulge. Although the unit was extremely stealthy, their invisible rifles were useless against the Germans. As a result, the 102nd Division would suffer 10,000 mimes lost- a 100% casualty rate- within the first hour of the battle. This was widely viewed as a victory for both sides.
  • 2003 - PETA argues that the mime problem should be solved humanely, by imprisoning them in invisible boxes.
  • 2004 - A disgruntled mime uses a magnum to "remove" any extra mimes in the area, he is promptly arrested. apparently the mime wasn't using a silencer.
  • 2006 - Vice President Dick Cheney shoots a mime in the face on a hunting "accident."
  • 2007 - The "Mime Mine" is invented.
  • 2008 - Al Gore accuses mimes of Global Warming. The mimes mime a riot.

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October 17: International Urinal Day, International Day for the Eradication of the Poor

  • 17 B.C. - The Apostle Peter becomes the first to crap in a urninal.
  • 107 A.D. - St Ignatius of Antioch thrown to wild animals in the Colosseum for urinating into the Baths of Caracella from the high board. This was the origin of the Golden Shaft from God miracle mentioned in the Gnostic Gospel of St Armitage.
  • 1507 - First trough urinal opened at La Quostsherte, France
  • 1845 - Paris opens its first vespasienne (or street urinal) in Rue D'Ignatius. Riots ensue.
  • 1907 - The Great Rochester Brick Privvy Disaster claims 36 lives.
  • 1921 - Ruben Sandringham discovers the relics of St Ignatius of Antioch after relieving himself against a sandstone outcrop in Haddenham, England.
  • 1936 - The American Standard company launch the first female urinal at Pee-Fest in Clovis, New Mexico.
  • 1965 - Yuri Gagarin Knall invents the YuriKnall while peeing in outer space.
  • 1969 - Neil Armstrong proves conclusively that you can't miss with Armitage Shanks.
  • 1982 - Sab McSib (Scotland, England) sets a world record, in Arbroath, for eating 34 yellow Urinal Cakes in two minutes. He had believed he was in a pineapple chunk eating competition.
  • 1992 - The pope introduces a urinal amnesty day, 4 out of the 5 catholics left on earth comply.
  • 1993 - One of the greatest urinal advocates is born: Dylan Guinn, urinal master craftsman.
  • 1996 - Porcelain Products Inc. of Pisa, Oregon unveils the "Durinal", a urinal designed for use by two close friends.
  • 2004 - The Unites States of Amerika obtains the rights to the YuriKnall along with the Mir Space Station, and relaunches it (the urinal, not the space station) as Urinal.
  • 2007 - Sales of urinals touch 85,000,000 due to the box-office hit "Dude, Where's The Urinal".
  • 2009 - Urinal day is banned as a public holiday and many urinals are exterminated, many believe it as just a governmental piss take.
  • 2010 - Many independant urinal states rise up against the anti-urinalist governments. The first urinal war begins and ends on the same day.
  • 2011 - Urinals rise up again, eradicating many poor people.
  • 2081 - The earth people celebrate the shipment of the first consignment of urinals to Stavromula Beta.

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October 18: International Funk Day (Portugal), Radiation Day

  • 0023 - God lost control of the universe yet again, causing countless miracles. Luckily, Jesus thought fast and found an explanation for all those fish everywhere.
  • 1955 - All Hell Breaks Loose in Wittinghermandershire Upon Broohavensmarshington, England when a portal to the dark underworld is discovered by a chimney sweep mistaking an inconspicuous closet door for that of the men's lavatory in a small, inconspicuous pub. The scene of dark beings invading the earth is compounded by the fact that the chimney sweep failed to realize that the "urinal" into which he chose to relieve himself was, in fact, a dark being. And, although dark beings are, in fact, dark beings, they do have feelings too and do not, contrary to popular belief, appreciate being urinated upon by chimney sweeps.
  • 1978 - U.S. President George Clinton puts Portugal under a groove. Portuguese population introduced to blow.
  • 2002 - Jacques Chirac is elected in France, funky disco dancing ensues
  • 2002 - Parisians realize how gay Disco Dancing is, rioting ensues
  • 2006 - Kim Jong Il funks the world with Mass Destruction, giving celebration to all of the days occasions
  • 2557- 25 different types of cheese are discovered on the bottom of the ocean. Scientists are baffled and manage to retrieve 16 of the different types. A German hypnotist later publishes the findings in a kids weekly coloring book; it becomes an instant best seller.

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Contrary to popular belief, Roger "The Saint" Moore is not the patron saint of saint rogering.

October 19: Feast of Saint Roger (Estonia). Feast of rogering saints (Bulgaria).

  • 24 - Saint Roger invites his chums to his residence, Gobblewood Mansion, and holds a feast.
  • 26 - Saint Roger gets raped by Hillbillies while on holiday in Bulgaria
  • 1161 - The first trout was launched into space by the ruskies, onboard Stenchpotski 12.
  • 1297 - Someone, somewhere, goes to the lavatory.
  • 1349 - Postmen all over England suffer the Sack Death.
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus sings the blues.
  • 1607 - Elizabeth I of England rises from the dead as a zombie- then dies again of a bad cold.
  • 1704 - Nokia renames itself Bobcom.
  • 1734 - Bobcom renames itself Fredphone.
  • 1764 - Fredphone renames itself Kings Cross Talk.
  • 1824 - Kings Cross Talk renames itself Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications.
  • 1854 - Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications renames itself London-Telekommunikation-Gesellschaft.
  • 1884 - London-Telekommunikation-Gesellschaft renames itself Retford Phone Company.
  • 1914 - Retford Phone Company renames itself Nokia.
  • 1925 - Nokia Phone Company renames itself Phil the lovable huggable drunkard, but then decides that it projects a negative image on their homeless phone subscribers, so they change back.
  • 1973 - Pfft is created and every word in the dictionary is thusforth removed for the rest of eternity. Except for one word. Pfft.
  • 1983 - 34 Nazis decide to hold a square dance, which result in a whole new line of trousers being released.
  • 1990 - Toasters take over the internets messaging services. Ovens are taken in for questioning.
  • 2004 - Nokia renames itself NO CIA, and starts a nuclear war.
  • 2007 - While visiting Chicago, President George W. Bush is assassinated, following an economic speech at the Chicago Sheraton Hotel, in front of which an anti-war rally was being held. Noted pedophile John Mark Karr is later arrested for the murder, but is himself killed by a distraught Don King before the case can go to trial.

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October 20: Run out of ideas for Uncyclopedia anniversaries day

This sign was erected on October 20th...no, wait, it was the 21st. Never mind.
  • 1735 - Errm, someone was born? Maybe?
  • 1846 - Oh come on man, think, THINK! Umm, funny.. funny... nope.
  • 1864 - Abraham Lincoln issues the Emancipation Proclamation as a joke; unfortunately, nobody gets it.
  • 1965 - I possibly did something. Or you. Maybe because I'm not original.
  • 1969 - Err... Something to do with Oscar Wilde, maybe?
  • 1974 - (sees a big red button) Does that work? (pushes big red button)........
  • 1980 - The world was taken over by the governmen- er... um... Hey guys.. how are you? What with those guns pointed at my head?
  • 1982 - Damn. This is hard. We should just steal ideas from other people. How about Wikipedia Day? Or Numa Numa Day? Chronic Masturbators Anonymous Day?
  • 1988 - Jesus Margaret Thatcher was crucified. The world rejoiced. Coal miners no long fear for their lives.
  • 1990 - Pope Benedict XXIX died of Genital Herpes. The world rejoiced once more. Some become fed-up with rejoicing. Rioting ensues.
  • 1990 - South Korean scientists created Pope Benedict XXX from cloned DNA of Chihuahua. Those crazy scientists.
  • 1998 - Beer first enters my stomach. Thousands rejoice. Rioting ensues.
  • 2003 - I am Iron Man. Nurh nurh nur-nur nurhh, nuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnuhnurh nur-nurhh nurrhhh.
  • 2005 - Screw this, I'm off.
  • 2009 - Actually, I think we have enough for today, but the rest of the month is going to be a pain, well, it's time to go "research" events.

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William, the King of Shatner and five-time recipient of the coveted Shatner Award

October 21: William Shatner Appreciation Day

  • 1017 BC - Plato invents a wicked new toy, but squirrels it away for centuries. Not until the New King James translation of his world famous book The Republic is it rediscovered.
  • Nought-686 AD - Conan of Cimmeria becomes Pope, is contracted to star in Conan the Destroyer.
  • 1020 - Some German honkies were enjoyinng a very nice section of the Black Forest until some Romans come sack their village. Today is the day they payed those Degos back with interest.
  • 16-nought-Nine AD - Ninja Turtle Raphael starts beautifying some buildings in Rome. He will one day paint the perfect pizza.
  • 1740 - Worldwide squirrel defenestration conspiracy forms.
  • 18-nought-Five AD - Battle of Trafalgar. French/Spanish/Dutch PWND by Nelson.
  • 1989 - The gateway to Hell opened up for the eleventh time since Britney Spears got out, but it was only to let Mr. Flufferkins go tinkle. Mr. Rogers' neighborhood never recovered.
  • 1997 - Frogger crossed the road for the very first time
  • 1998 - The $5 bill was invented
  • 2007 - Buster Keaton is slowly forgotten once again.
  • 2008 - Klingon made the official language of the United States.
  • 2009 - You read this.
  • 2015 - Marty McFly and Dr. Emmett Brown arrive to Hill Valley from the year 1985.

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WHILST MOST COMPUTER USERS CAN EASILY FIND THIS KEY TO TURN IT ONNNNN, WHEN IT COMES TO TURNING IT OFF, EVERYONE BECOMES LOSTTTTTTT

October 22: Int-t-ternational S-s-stuttering Awareness Day and iNTERNATIONAL cAPS lOCK dAY

  • 4004 BC GOD CREATES THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH AT EXACTLY 6:00 PM (ACCORDING TO BISHOP USSHER)
  • 1780 - KING GEORGE VII DECLARES WAR ON TERRRRRRRROR.
  • 1850 - FIR FIR FIR FISST CELEBRATION OF NATIONAL ZOMBIE DAY. "BRAIIIINS" IS FAST BECOMING A PO PO POPULAR CATCHPH PH PHRASE.
  • 1889 - AMERICAN TYPEWRITER'S UNION CHANGES NAME TO AMERICAN FEDERATION OF DICTATION TAKERS
  • 1920 NEW YORK TIMES INTRODUCES ITS FAMOUS "NEWS ZIPPER"; WALL STREET JOURNAL CAUGHT WITH ITS PANTS DOWN
  • 1941 - WAR BREAKS OUT BETWEEN ALLIED STANDARD TYPEWRITER KEY BOARD LOVERS AND AXIS OF DVORAK USERS; PUNCTUATION SUFFERERS AROUND THE WORLD CAUGHT IN MIDDLE
  • 1962 - JFK PREVENTS SOVIETS FR FROM ARMING CUBA BY BLOCKING OFF THE ISLAND WITH HIS BOD BODY.
  • 1968 - LED ZEP-EP-EP-EPLIN RELEASES HIS CLASSIC ALBUM "LED ZEPPPPLIN IIIII", FEATURING HIS HIT SINGLE "WHOLE LOTTTTA LLLLLOVE"
  • 1977 - THE UNCLAI
  • 1984 - STRANGEEE BOOK COM COM COMEES OUT WITH TIT TITT TITTLE OF YEARRR
  • 2003 - MILLIONS OF N00BS WORLDWIDE DISCOVER THE CAPS LOCK KEY AND DECIDE TO ALWAYS TYPE LIKE THIS...
  • 2005 - W W W W W W W WOR WOR WORLD REC RE REC RECORD STUT ST STUTTER WI W W WIN WINS P P P P P P P P P PRI PRIZE
  • 2006 - CAPS LOCK DAY IS ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL CAPS LOCK GETS STUCK AND EVERYONE IS THOUGHT TO BE YELLING.
  • 2666 - I HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAVE TH-TH-TH-TH-THE WOR-WOR-WOR-WOR-WOR-WOR-WORST ST-ST-ST-ST-ST-ST FUCK THIS IM OFF TO A HOUSE PARTY.

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If discovered reading a D&D manual, most players failed their saving throw vs. merciless teasing.

October 23: D&D Empowerment Day, a day to let go of your guilt and shame for having played Dungeons & Dragons as a child (or still), and instead reflect upon how it's changed you for the better.

“It says: With this strength or lower I can only be a Magic User. Re-roll!”
  • 33 - Jesus creates D&D, the Romans crucify him for this and buries the game where it is found 1900 years later.
  • 1966 - International Federation of the Friendless is formed by Gary Gygax and other near-do-wells.
  • 1969 - While others are busy engaged in the Summer of Love, Gary Gygax and Friends are busy making their own chainmail armour out of plastic plumbing washers.
  • 1970 - Dave Arneson creates a scenario involving an adventure through a castle sewer, in quest of the legendary change room of maidens in waiting. Later arrested for being a peeping tom. Judge was unmoved by his plea that he was doing important game research.
  • 1971 - Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson team up to create "The Fantasy Game." Monsters are substituted for maidens, and mountains of loose change for changerooms.
  • 1974 - TSR publishes the now-renamed Dungeons & Dragons® game by slapping homemade labels over used cereal boxes. In one year, the entire hand-assembled print run of 1,000 games sells out.
  • 1979 - Ozzy Osbourne is chosen as official spokesman, eventually appearing in a commercial where he bites the head off of a Basilisk.
  • 1984 - You realise with horror that the phrase "Uncursed +1/+1 Dark Dwarven Mithril Battle-Axe of Obesity" no longer sounds completely ridiculous to you.
  • 1985 - Everyone starts referring to bottles of water as "Potions of Thirst Obviation" and dictionaries as "Tomes of Acquired Word Definition."
  • 2003 - The first woman to play D&D is later discovered to be a shemale .
  • 2005 - You catch your wife in bed with another man, but later discover she was just earning 50 experience points with a Helmet of Protection +6.
  • 2584 - First D&D player in history gets laid thanks to the lucky roll of a natural 20.
  • 3000 - Roughly 500 years after the first D&D player got laid his great, great, great, great grandson becomes Supream Dungeon Master of earth.
  • 5000 - the world's first jock plays D&D and becomes D&D master of the universe and all that are contained inside it after beating up Supream Dungeon Master of earth

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Evil villains are instantly recognisable by their top hats and outrageous moustaches.

October 24: Evil Villian Appreciation Day, National Put The Ramones On at Full Volume And Piss Off The Neighbors Day, World Beauty Festival.

  • 1867 - After mass revolt by the Australian and New Zealand governments, Harry becomes Guardian of UCT
  • 1889 - First recorded use of pure hearted maiden, strapped to railroad tracks, to attract a ransom; the deed, while dasterdly, merely attracts Royal Canadian Mounted Police who save the girl and thwart the plan
  • 1897 - Early cyberneticist Rotwang is born.
  • 1931 - Polish schoolboy Joseph Ratzinger is arrested for arson, rape and general troublemaking. The Pope declares this day an International catholic holiday.
  • 1941 - Hitler writes the lyrics of "Blitzkrieg Bop". Later becomes a hit song by The Ramones.
  • 1943 - Morroco becomes capital of evil villians; they are simply fed up to "here" with Hitler's needy personality
  • 1969 - Your second grade teacher, mean old Miss Masters takes away your favorite doll and holds it ransome; demands that you earn an "A" on your spelling test or "Dolly gets it"
  • 1977 - Habitat for Humanity contemplates rebuilding the Big Bad Wolf's house for charity. Instead decides on Euthanasia as a more cost-sensitive option.
  • 1984 - A science teacher from Great Yarmouth sends his class zipwiring down pylon wires, claiming a man who looked a spitting image of Osama Bin Laden told him to do so. It turned out to be the janitor. Incredibly, no-one was even injured and everyone cleared the zipline.
  • 1990 - Should have been removed as is the birthdate of Patrick Neasey *shudders*.
  • 2005 - Perigan Took becomes a "FOOL OF A TOOK" after not wearing a condom and impregnating a female orc, who promptly ate him.
  • 2005 - Dick Cheney gets a dozen roses.
  • 2006 - The Line 3 Information Systems class drools over the thought of what could be in tomorrow's Anniveraries. Will Dwyer gets yelled at by Zehmeister and creams his pants whilst playing WOW. Rest of class laughs at him.
  • 2006 - George Bush holds Ramone concert; all of Canada kept awake until 3am
  • 2007 - Harry Potter 7 comes out -SPOILER: Voldermort idealised as upstanding being, wins Hermione's heart.In desperation Harry becomes gay.

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Sharks can be very dangerous... and apparently they also sometimes play in bands.

October 25: Shark Awareness Day

  • 625 - Pope Boniface V eaten by a blue shark.
  • 1147 - The Portuguese, under Afonso I, and Crusaders from England conquer Lisbon after a four-month siege. They decide to celebrate by going for a swim, and then all get eaten by tiger sharks.
  • 1655 - Shark arrives from the future, is promptly killed by puzzled Welshman.
  • 1936 - The Rome-Berlin Axis is created by Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and a bunch of great white sharks (the sharks wanted to ally with Hitler, because they were great white supremacists).
  • 1946 - The secret vote was held by the British parliament to enact the 1946 Gay and Lesbian Slavery Act
  • 1977 - Renegade child eats dozens of sharks at Miami Beach. Panicked King Tritan declares State of Emergency and suspends Civil Liberties.
  • 1979 - Green Peace activist dies after trying to train the first vegetarian shark.
  • 1988 - The Gardners are cloned
  • 1993 - Vincent Price dies.
  • 1994 - Vincent Price's tomb found empty and a series of bizarre murders occur. Sharks are prime suspects.
  • 1997 - Charge of the White Van Men an infamous fight during the Battle of Balaclava
  • 2006 - All travel to Australia banned; shark eats young child at beach.
  • 2007 - Jim Toomey, writer of the comic strip Sherman's Lagoon, is given honorary Cambodian citizenship.
  • 2008 - (Morning) I could not find my keys. Sharks were to blame.
  • 2008 - (Afternoon) It was discovered that I forgot they were on the table. Sharks were to blame.
  • 2008 - (Evening) The goddamn car wouldn't start. An alliance of sharks and malicious little green men is to blame.

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October 26: International Time Travel Day
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus invents herpes to pass the time on tedious transatlantic voyages.
  • 1822 - The Rock discovers the secret to time travel, goes back in time to kill Hitler, only to realize Hitler wasn't born yet.
  • 1917 - The first Lifetime limited warranty is created when Congress passes the Broken Stamp Act of 1917.
  • 1921 - Highlander comes forward a billion years and impales Sean Connery on a parking meter.
  • 1944 - Albert Einstein and Nikola Tesla invent a time machine by accident. They travel to 1996 and meet Elton John, The Spice girls and Bill Clintons Cigar. They promptly return home, dismantle the time machine and deny it ever happened. It has become known amongst Conspiracy Theorists as the Philadelphia Experiment
  • 1946 - Enjoy whale meat day (Japan)
  • 1969 - The 69 sex position is invented
  • 1980 - The 1981 DMC DeLorean, which is later used as a time machine, is released.
  • 1985 - Dr. Emmett Brown invents a time machine out of a DeLorean
  • 1988 - Bill and Ted build a time machine out of a phone booth.
  • 1988 - Pre-Emo angsty teenage outsider, Donnie Darko, avoids being killed by a time-traveling jet engine by sleeping on a golf course.
  • 1988 - Pre-Emo angsty teenage outsider, Donnie Darko, is killed by a time-traveling jet engine.
  • 1994 - First Time Cop trained; turns into serial killer, but accidently destroys own grandmother, creating a paradox
  • 1996 - The less popular 96 sex position is invented
  • 1999 - The 99 sex position is invented. Wait -- How does that work?
  • 2000 - It is discovered that Rosa Parks was actually a middle-aged caucasian man named Hank.
  • 2001 - First Time Traveller's Convention Held in New York. No future being reported.
  • 2003 - Goverment develops a time machine, George W. Bush travels to the past to party with his past self.
  • 2006 - Some angsty teenager has an internal conflict with herself about stuff only Col. Sherman Potter and his son Harry Potter would understand.

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Contrary to popular belief, the "Peeing Calvin" bumper sticker was not created by Oscar Wilde.

October 27: National "Peeing Calvin" Bumper Sticker Day

  • 1875 - Oscar Wilde decided to avoid his normal routine and go to the barbers before attending his rountine denouncement
  • 1956 - The Great One's first toenail grew in. Widely considered to be particularly unspectacular, this event is overlooked by hoards of Bushists who hold wild street parties, which begin with tea and quiet chatting and end in mass orgies. Oh, hee hee, I said a dirty word on the internet! Is that even allowed?
  • 1998 - Mother of Pearl Sunday when several people attempted to create a zombie of Michael Jackson.
  • 6000 - John F. Kennedy pees on Calvin.

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"Carp de Diem!"

This is October 28th: National Realism Day / 2nd Bolognese Day (First Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) / Carp de Diem (US: Day of the Goldfish), Feast day of Saint Jude (usually celebrated by going "Nah, nah-nah, nah-nah-nah-nah, hey Jude" for fifteen minutes).

  • 1066 - William the Bad Motherfucker PWNZ the Saxon army. Maybe they should have stopped playing so much damn jazz and maybe picked up a sword, eh?
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus lands in Cuba, stocks up on Cuban cigars, Che Guevera memorabilia.
  • 1835 - In Paris, nothing happened the entire day that was worth rioting about. Rioting ensues.
  • 1955 - John McClane born in Yippee-Ki-Yay, MF.
  • 1955 - Bill Gates is born. Biblical scholars widely regard this as one of the signs of the End Times described by the Bible in Revelations 4:16 ("Yea, and there shall come a great Monopolist, and this Octopus shall cast his tentacles wide, and He shall spread darkness upon the land, in the form of buggy software, security holes, and poor interface design")
  • 1956 - Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is born. His childhood is marked by several instances of being dropped on his head and drinking paint thinner.
  • 1793 - Eliphalet Remington, American firearms manufacturer, was born. Americans traditionally celebrate his birthday by turning to the person on their left and shooting them.
  • 1942 - The Alaska-Canadian Highway (Alcan) is completed, allowing Alaskans easy access to thousands of pounds of primo BC bud.
  • 2001 - God loses concentration for a minute and the sun sets on the British Empire, the British take this opportunity to take the whole world....bar France... again. Why can the frogs never be conquered?!?!?
  • 2010 - Old MacDonald claims that Michael Jackson appeared to him, on his farm, dressed as Captain EIEIO.
  • 2012 - God admits that Bill Gates does have more money than him.

2012 america relizes they made the worst genicide of them all and killed the indians then they gave the country back to them and it ends globel warming.

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Remember kids: Ignorance is fun!

October 29: National Ignorance Awareness Day /International Rescue Day (Thunderbirds are Go!) / Ramadan ends (Ramadan a ding dong time), Lets eat a pig!

  • 1497 - Did something happen on this day?
  • 1675 - Leibniz makes the first use of the long s, ∫, for integral. 315 years later I have to take calculus. Thanks, man. Thanks a fucking lot.
  • 1782 - God gets up, has a slice of toast, then decides it's all too much bother and goes to bed again for 500 years.
  • 1929 - The New York Stock Exchange crashes in what will be called the Crash of '29 or Black Tuesday, beginning the Great Depression. I think that was like, when, everyone got really unhappy for a long time.
  • 1969 - The first-ever computer-to-computer link is established on ARPANET, the precursor to the Internet. It is used to send porn.
  • 1955 - Mother Brown gets me Dog And Bone.
  • 1957 - Comma, used innappropriately, millions giggle.
  • 1972 - President Richard Nixon declares that he is addicted to the word "Declares".
  • 1985 - Howard The Duck, dude. Howard The Duck.
  • 1990 - Charles, the almighty son of God, was created on this day, admist a shower of sparklers and streamers.
  • 1998 - Space Shuttle Discovery blasts-off with 77-year old John Glenn on board, making him the oldest person to go into space. He bores astronauts by telling them about how in his day, they didn't have astronaut ice cream, and there were no zero-G toilets, they just had to hold it in the entire mission.
  • 2002 - Ozone linked to Al-Quada, President Bush vows to increase carbon dioxide outputs as USA leads the way in the War on Terra.
  • 2009 - Pam Anderson's breasts become self aware.
  • 2113 - Reality TV goes too far as God, Allah & Budda duke it out in a Pay-Per-View event billed as "The Gods Must Be Crazy". World ends soon after.

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"You kids get out of my yard!"

October 30: Hallowe've (aka Eve of Hallowe'en).

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These people are really getting into the spirit of the season.

October 31: International Dress Like an Idiot Day, International Emo Day, International Annoy Strangers into Giving Away Candy Day

  • 30 - Jesus performs another miracle, turning celery sticks into chocolate and regular corn into candy corn.
  • 475 - Romulus Augustus is proclaimed Roman Emperor, while wearing a white toga over his head, with eye holes cut in it.
  • 1219 - The governor of Samarkand mistakes the army of Genghis Khan for a group of buddhist monks dressed up like the Khan's army, and opens the gates for them. Samarkand is sacked, looted, and burned, and the Khan is pissed off when the army returns home and has already eaten all the candy.
  • 1517 - The Protestant Reformation begins. After spending all week on his robot costume, Martin Luther dresses up and goes to the local church but they won't give him candy. He plays a trick on them spreading his theses all over the church door.
  • 1897 - The City of London's Best Halloween Costume prize is awarded to Oscar Wilde (for his clever Oscar Wilde costume)
  • 1927 - The October Uprising was rushed through on this day to save them changing all the letterheads.
  • 1956 - Suez Crisis: To force Egypt to reopen the Suez Canal, the United Kingdom and France begin a massive bombardment of Egypt using water balloons and raw eggs.
  • 1961 - In the Soviet Union, Joseph Stalin's frozen body is removed from Lenin's Tomb. Stalin's body is then dressed up as Frankenstein and then set outside Kruschev's house as part of a scary Halloween diorama. Communist Party members are initially outraged, but come around when Kruschev's house wins the USSR's Halloween house decoration contest.
  • 1980 - First Glam Rock conclave standarizes dressing like an idiot in the 80s.
  • 2002 - Evangelical Christians inaugurate Complain About Something Unimportant Again Day
  • 2005 - Dressing like an idiot now at a record high.
  • 2005 - Severe storm strikes Glace Bay, Nova Scotia producing eggs, fireworks, pumpkins, crab-apples, and rocks. Homes and cars are damaged and several police cruisers are damaged by intense rock showers.
  • 2006 - Washington D.C.'s "Scariest Halloween Costume" prize is awarded to Dick Cheney. Says Cheney, "But I didn't even dress up!"
  • 2007 - Millions revolt after International Dress Like an Idiot Day is renamed 'Hallowedwoon.' 137 killed, 492 injured. 82 arrests have been made.

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January - February - March - April - May - June - July - August - September - October - November - December


This article uses material from the "Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/October" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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