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Oprah Winfrey: Wikis

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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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“Every nigga gettin' a chicken in every pot!”
~ Oprah on Oprah
You get a chicken and you get a chicken and you get a chicken and...”
~ Oprah on Oprah
“We want to be just like Oprah!”
~ Middle-age white America on Oprah
Have you seen Oprah? Now with 20% more empowerment in every glass!

Oprah Winfrey, is the embodiment of Satan in the form of an African-American Media sensation,the best propagandist of all time, and also the unquestioned ruler of the world. Oprah Controls all "free elections" in the world, and appoints candidates that will do her bidding.Oprah controls a global empire, known for extortion, murder, drug smuggling and generally just being mean. Oprah uses a vast network of spies to make sure no one questions her infallible teachings of Scientology. Oprah is a God to millions of disenfranchised housewives and singletons. She is proof positive that in the Black Community, women dominate both the home and the business world, and pity the fool that tries to prove otherwise.

Oprah's empire controls television shows, a cable network, movies, books, thought, Scientology and the hopes and dreams of millions of women world wide. She is so influential she is literately capable of destroying entire cities with a wave of her hand. If Oprah says "jump" on her television show, millions of women will immediately say "which couch?" to their TV sets as they fling themselves into the air.

In 2009, Winfrey will star in an all-black version of the Sound of Music and is currently on location in Austria filming the story of a Catholic nun who becomes the bride of a Captain in Austrian Navy. In 2012 Her term as Ruler of Hell Expires and Courtney Love will be sworn in as the next president.

"In the role of Maria, I found peace. In Austria, I have found all the schnitzel that I ever could have imagined - and who knew that veal was this good, tender and tasty? Hell, I just might buy the country, you know what I'm saying?"


The Story of "O"

The infant Oprah poses for the camera

Oprah was born in the year 1935 at the age of 70,the Daughter of Joseph Stalin and Michelle Obama Oprah was born into the lap of luxury and power. Oprah once remarked her only friends were Fried Chicken, Vodka and the KGB Oprah just loved her daddy Stalin, that is, until he called her a "Nappy Headed Ho" (Stalin called her that, you can't)It was then she murdered her Father and took control of his body,expanding his empire into eastern Europe in a time known as "The Blitzkrieg Boogaloo" (known also as the second war to end all wars). Despite her success she wanted more power, so she began clawing her way up the ladder of success In America using a unique mix of positive thinking,the KGB,Vodka,mass murder, empowerment and Green Stamps to become co-host of a third-rate syndicated program called PM Magazine.

From there it was a hop, skip and leap (and no she didn't fall, jack-asses) of faith that lead her to first destroy Phil Donahue, before taking on Sally Jesse Rottensmell, Jenny Jones, Tony Danza and every other po-dunk cracker that ever dreamed of success.

Unhappy with this success, Winfrey claimed the word "Oxygen" in the name of her company Harpo Productions and now charges a fee of $20 (US) every time someone uses the word or breaths any of the gas itself. Think this is foolish? Think again. Oprah knows all, sees all and keeps a tally.

She is today the King Midas (work with us on this, OK) of American media, turning everything she touches into (empowered) gold.

"I've Done Your Drug"

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Oprah Winfrey.

In 1995 Oprah once made the off-handed remark that she had once done drugs. The day after this was said, the United States Crack epidemic began as millions of white middle-class women threw themselves into the inner cities hoping to score a couple rocks.

In turn, this has helped to make these neighbourhoods both "Up" and "coming."

From her mouth to your ears

An endorsement from Oprah Winfrey means success, even if you're selling bacon to kosher Jews, "Oprah" equals "product sales". It can be proved mathematically;


In many cases, it isn't even necessary for Oprah to endorse a product; an advertising company will simply show her face for a second or two in a commercial, or her name, or simply the letter "O," and they will notice an immediate increase in profits.

The power of Winfrey's words came in 1990 when she was brave enough to admit that she flossed her teeth. Floss sales in the United States tripled; in the United Kingdom floss use went up an astounding 4,001,380 percent. Next Winfrey announced how fond she was of Velcro fastened shoes - again, her fans stampeded to Wal-Mart and before the day was done every viewer of her show was wearing those ugly-ass shoes.

Other examples of her power to sway people include:

  • Increased use in toilet paper after Oprah confides that she once had a stinky bottom, but now wipes exclusively with toilet paper.
  • Pontiac, the embattled U.S. car maker is about to pull the plug on its unlovable G4 model when Oprah went looking for a corporate handout. After announcing that "everybody gets a car!" millions of viewers stampeded General Motors dealerships demanding keys to the cars. When the dealerships refused, Oprah placed one call to Detroit and GM capitulated, unable to yield to her persuasive banter.
  • When she stated that people can get sick, thousands of women instantly ingested as much penicillin as they could thus resulting in more than 4,000 deaths.
  • Using the mind control she possesses because she is Satan, she causes people to commit heinous acts for her entertainment, and sometimes their heads asplode in what is known as The Oprah Effect.
  • And then there is Dr. Phil. Once Oprah introduced the gummy sounds of the loud mouthed Texan to the people of the United States, they felt a duty to let the simple brute into their homes, bought his books and turned him into the biggest sex symbol in America nursing home history.

And who could forget Stedman?

Wait a minute... who the fuck is Stedman? No one knows, really!

Mauled by Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise is caught nano-seconds before his launch onto Oprah; her normal hissing wasn't enough to fend off the attack. "It works with Stedman," said Winfrey later from her hospital room.

While everybody loves Oprah (its true!...ok not really), one man loved her enough to want to eat her! Tom Cruise appeared on Oprah! and was prepared to talk about his irrational obsession with marginal actress Katie Holmes, however his head was turned by the luscious Winfrey. Since real women have curves, Cruise rationalized that "It must be Jelly 'cause Jam don't shake like that." For a brief moment he shoved aside his Scientology beliefs, forgot all about Dianetics, and pounced on Winfrey during the show, mauling her with savage ferocity,revealing her implants.

"Oh, the humanity," decried one observer.

Knowing that his marriage to Katie Holmes was pending, and that nothing could control this Jungle Love that he caught from Winfrey, Cruise opted not to invite Winfrey to his nuptials. Winfrey, recovering in her hospital room took it all in stride. "There can only be one Princess on a wedding day, and I'll let Tom have that as my gift to them, you know what I am saying?"

"Who's Tom Cruise, really now."

Bid to Control the Black Man in the White House

In 2007, Oprah announced that she would endorse Senator Barack Obama (D-Illinois) in his bid for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. To do this Oprah set about her four-tiered plan:

  1. Oprah's endorsement means that people who normally don't vote for the Black Man will vote for the Black Man because she tells them to do it.
  2. Oprah emasculates Obama in the process because he can only get the votes because of her endorsement.
  3. Oprah destroys Obama's marriage by becoming more important to the President Elect-Obama than Obama's wife - and-
  4. Following Michelle Obama's divorce, Oprah marries Barrack Obama becoming the black Evita of the United States.
  5. Oprah wins the 2016 presidential election by promising all Whites that she will continue her show for another season, and all blacks unlimited fried chicken and rims for their cars.
  6. As has been foretold, End Of Days begins.

Just a big ol'girl

If by some fluke of nature, this plan does not come to fruition, Oprah plans on destroying the world as we know it. As she sees it "If I can't have things my way, ain't nobody else going to have anything any old way. You know what I'm saying?"

Harpoon Studios

Here's the scoop on Oprah's Vajayjay!

Oprah's show is filmed in Harpoon Studios in Chicago, Illinois. The studio takes it name from Orpah's favorite past time, harpooning whales that swam in Lake Michigan and got too close the the Shed Aquarium.

American women are expected, if able, to make a pilgrimage to Harpoon Studios at least once in their lifetime to attend a taping of the show. They are also obliged to pray towards Chicago at least five times a day (unless Oprah's show is on).

Harpoon Studios may also house a giant rocket that will safely propel Orpah to the lunar surface (where she has secretly built a base) in the event that World War III begins. According to sources, the Studios may also house a giant laser/makeup remover.

Financial Success

It was reported by Time Magazine that in 2003, Oprah Winfrey officially had half of all the money in the world. According to rumors, she even installed a large vault, in Harpoon Studios, where she stores all her money in the form of gold coins. Often, aides say, she'll swim through the coins as a way of counting them.

The Secret

Oprah is a prominent support of Rhonda Byrne's The Secret, a cult believing that anyone who suffers is themselves to blame since they aren't being cheerful enough. Oprah regularly visits poverty-stricken areas to encourage the destitute and stricken to spend their last hours on earth imagining that they have a Mercedes-Benz and a higher white cell count.

Literary Career

Oprah is also a noted international literary phenomenon, having written under a myriad of pen names, some of the most well known being "Lev Tolstoy", "Gabriel Garcia Marquez", and "L. Ron Hubbard". The conglomeration of her body of work is known collectively as "The Book Club". It is possible to distinguish her authorship of a work of literature by a large "O", which publishers put on the cover each of her novels that gets printed in order to alert consumers as to whether or not a certain book is a bonafide "Oprah".


Sally Jesse Rottensmell failed and became a mime because she wanted her guests to talk about how they felt; Oprah! tells her guests what to do. Big difference
  • The Color Purple (1985) as (Mrs. Purple)
  • The Colored Peoples (1997)
  • The Color Purple Part 2: (2007)
  • Sound of Colored People's Music (2009 - in production)
  • The Color Aubergine - (2010 pending)

See also

This article uses material from the "Oprah Winfrey" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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