The Fool Wiki

More info on Original Jesus

Original Jesus: Wikis


Note: Many of our articles have direct quotes from sources you can cite, within the Wikipedia article! This article doesn't yet, but we're working on it! See more info or our list of citable articles.

Uncyclopedia

Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jesus as He is commonly depicted: being pestered by Chicken Flies, black lightning bolts, and a deadly blue aura.
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Original Jesus.

For other meanings of Jesus, see Jesus.

“I am the only man that it's OK for another man to love. Especially when dead.”
~ Jesus on Gayites
“In Soviet Russia, Jesus crucify YOU!”
~ Russian reversal on crucifixion.
“We're lost. Earth isn't on the map.”
~ Jesus on The coming of the Messiah
“Why don't you stop and ask for directions?”
~ Jesus's wife on The coming of the Messiah
“I'm coming back, and I'm taking the eggs!”
~ Jesus on Sunday Night Ressurection

"I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life; no one comes unto the Father except over my dead body...wait..."

~ Original Jesus on Original Jesus

Jesus H. "Fucking" Christ (first name pronounced HEY-Zeus/Ιησους; plural Jay-Z, diminutive Jessie) was a pretty cool dude from back in the day, and he is one of the greatest men ever to live. Some even think he was The Man. Hell, 2.1 billion people think he was THE Man! He created all fifty American States, except for Indiana, which was created by Satan. He lived a long time ago and nobody knows what color he was, so most people pretend he was white, since most important races are. A lot of people make Jesus seem like he was an uptight dude, but really he just liked to laugh with his buddies, chill out with the disciples, and enjoy a good orgy on Friday nights. He also briefly frontlined the highly successful band The Havah Nagillahs, which failed after the background musicians walked out to form the chart-topping rap group The Twelve Disciples (a.k.a. D12). Controversially, Jesus had a false arm, which he often kept in a shed for safe keeping. Furtherstill, he was noted for many famous sayings (see: Famous sayings of Jesus) many of which were cribbed from The Bible. He was the vocalist for The Jesus and Mary Chain, and Jesus Jones.

Most accounts have summed up Jesus' life as follows:

  • 1. Born
  • 2. Got depressed about the whole "not knowing a woman" thing.
  • 3. Decided it was okay to eat bacon. (which it wasn't until then. Apparently JC was immune to Trichinosis.)
  • 4. Went off to have fun in the desert.
    • a. Chilled with Lucifer while ticking him off,
      • Skipped lunch
      • B.A.S.E. jumping
      • Sightseeing
    • b. Got lost in the desert, saw !!!GOD!!!.
  • 5. Bar Mitzvah (Greatest party of the millenium)
    • a. Married Mary Magdalene
    • b. ?Invented Cracked Corn?
  • 6. ???
  • 7. Prophet!
    • a. Found out who His real father was.
    • b. Preached a universal form of Judaist-Socialist values.
    • c. Loved everyone.(In that non-sexual/brotherly kind've way)
  • 8. Death.
    • a. Last Supper (at Wendy's).
    • b. Went to the Gardens (Gethsemane, not Busch).
    • c. Got betrayed by Judas (Iscariot, not Priest).
    • d. Condemned to death by the Roman governor Herpititus.
    • e. Nailed and hung on cross.
    • f. Dies.
    • g. Goes to Hell
    • h. Resurrected, and lived for a further fifty days
    • i. Flys around up in the clouds!
  • 9. Christ (of the Jesus variety)!

The above is all true because a (holy) book says so. Don't be a Doubting Thomas, unless you are Thomas, in which case go right ahead.

If Jesus was alive today (which if you take a very casual look in any South American phone book seems to be very much the case) he might control the world. But he doesn't because he's cool like that. Jesus might also be a Jedi and would probably party with those heavy metalists Mace Windu, Obi-Wan Kenobi and the many house flies that followed him around. For a while it was assumed that these flies followed him around because of the fact that Jesus never took a bath because of his hydrophobia. But in reality, they just liked him a lot since he saved their mum. When the retired Greek goddess Athena heard this rumor she gave him the power to walk just above the water, so that he would never actually have to touch it. Even though he already had that power. Duh. Anyway, she soon afterward found out that she wasn't real and went through an emotional breakdown, disappearing from her own non-existance.

Jesus' powers have low effect on yellow mice, but they get a +5% bonus versus green, and will take half damage in a saving throw of 2d6 against all dark-based attacks. Unaturally lucky, Jesus seems nuntouchable by magic. As has often been stated by fans of his, "Jesus Saves."

While some call Jesus a saint, others call him a prophet, and even more call him the one and only greatest Rock God of all time,(all are excellent and cool/true), Jesus was clearly a bastard. In the human sense anyway. It is noted quite clearly in the Bible that Joseph and Mary were, in fact, not married. But spiritually speaking, J35|_|5 pwnz0rz j00.

Contents

His Birth from the Prostitute Mary

The Adoration of Starch, oil on canvas, 1432.

Jesus came into being under the oddest of circumstances. After several thousand years of hard work, Jesus' father God decided that massive floods and torturous plagues weren't the best ways to go about winning the hearts of his people.

God later claimed that He, "Always wanted a son" that he could teach pro football. He soon realized that, although He could kick your ass, football is not among his many talents. He then fell back on his Plan B: teaching his son to become the figurehead of the world.

God decided that he needed a poster boy to win over the population of the world. As God later stated in his '93 Connie Chung interview, "I needed someone who was tall, handsome, witty, and with a winning personality." God later revoked his last comment on the grounds that God is way too cool to say "winning personality."

Now came the Virgin Mary and Joseph, two strikingly thin and attractive teens who wanted nothing more than to get maried and make babies(Joseph did, anyway). "She was a cool girl," quoteth God. "You have no idea how surprised I was that she was a virgin. Seriously. I didn't know that you could show that much cleavage while wearing a robe." In any case, she was the perfect mother for Christ. She was getting ready to marry Joseph, but he was very understanding. Also, she was foxy, had a nice rack o' lamb, and was loving, caring, respectful, tasteful, and brunette; in a word, all the requirements that God wanted for the mother of his only begotten son: to be hot and humble about it(and to be righteously awesome; Come to think of it, you can't fit all of God's requirements in a word). So when Mary was approached by an angel, Gabriel, she was still technically a virgin. At least that was Mary's story.

Part of a series of articles on
Christianity
I am the Good Shepherd...

History of Christianity
Jesus
The Apostles
Ecumenical councils
Great Schism
The Crusades
Reformation

The Trinity
God the Father
The Son (Jesus Christ)
The Holy Spirit

The Bible
Old Testament
New Testament
Apocrypha
The Gospels
Ten Commandments
Sermon on the Mount

Christian theology
Fall of Man · Grace
Salvation · Justification
Christian worship

Christian Church
Roman Catholicism
Eastern Orthodoxy
Protestantism

Christian erudition
Christian denominations
Christian movements
Christian ecumenism
Christian scholastica
Christian discourses

Important Figures
Apostle Paul
Church Fathers
Augustine · Aquinas
Wycliffe · Luther
Calvin · Trammell
Carver · Wesley
Seaborg

It is well-known that, late one night, God supposedely came to Mary in the form of Holyness and impregnated her. Joseph was too busy clubbing with some rowdy Arimathean hooligans to notice that the Holy Creator of Everything was screwing his wife. In fact, after that fateful night, Joseph would be inexplicably struck with a bad case of the Impotence for the rest of his day. Which really must have sucked for him. I mean, the guy is pretty much the stepfather of Salvation, and he gets pretty much screwed over. Seriously! Jesus was supposed to the one who can't know a woman, but dear ol' Joe can't even get it up. Oh well. As God would state in a later interview, "his shit got RUINED."


When Joseph first heard Mary's story about God sleeping with her, he didn't believe her and wanted to divorce Mary. But, then, Gabriel, the Angel of the Lord, flew down and scared the beejees out of him, saying, "If you don't stay with that chick Mary, God will strike you down where you stand! Understood?" Joseph understood, and promptly wet himself.

For the next nine months, Joseph and Mary wandered the Middle East, doing nothing in particular (see Holy Bible for details).

When it came time to deliver Jesus, Mary and Joseph found themselves passing through the funky convention town of Bethlehem. Currently hosting a major governmental convention, all the inns and taverns were full. Even the brothels had no beds to spare (Fun Fact: In those days, brothels were soup kitchens). Lacking a suitable place to give birth, Joseph and Mary started poking around in stables, desperately looking for a hay pile or something. At last, they found an innkeeper who offered use of the shed out back (It is now known that he actually had a room available; he was just a douche). After slipping on an excrement-covered floor and falling headfirst into a manger, Mary popped out the son of God, and the rest, as they say, is history.

The other side of the coin: Jesus the Playboy

As there are differing accounts of Jesus' sexual orientation, and for completeness, we offer the other side of the story, where Jesus was the first Playboy, later moving on to founding the first porno mag in heaven; 'Heavenly Bosoms'. Often participating in huge orgies with his followers, Jesus showed that he could heal more than lame legs and blind eyes; He could heal STD's. Which was a good thing, because to raise money, he would send out his followers to work the streets. He later became known as the only pimp to get into heaven.

As with Jesus' alleged homosexuality, His sexual indiscretions were all but removed from all records of his life, a small piece of paper in the Pope's lockbox, being the only evidence left. In fact, Jesus had a 13th disciple whose sole duty was to record his sex romps, but when Jesus was crucified, his 13th disciple was also killed for fear that the truth would get out and ruin Jesus' reputation.

Jesus' Popularity

As he grew up, Jesus became much liked and admired. Everybody liked Him and wanted to hang out with Him. Even the Prophet, Zachieas 'little' Man had been known to hang out with Jesus whenever he went to Las Vegas. His popularity was attributable to His highly entertaining, and often useful, "miracles", not to mention He had the best wine this side of the river Jordan. Jesus' miracles were always interesting, and often had a little moral lesson that went along with them. He turned water into wine, and once when a bunch of people came to see Him and forgot to bring lunch, He whipped up an amazing Lobster Fra Diavolo con Linguine that had people talking for months. Jesus could do anything; if He wanted to, He could have turned a chariot into a Ferrari 250 Testarossa (though this would have been highly impractical, due to a shortage of petrol stations in the 1st century), a piece of wood into a Stickman Sandpiper surfboard (not so much impractical as inferior, since he had that "walking on water" trick) or 45 blind mice into the New York Yankees.

Jesus was most popular when he held his 42 year long Bar Mitzvah (Sweet 13), which started in the year 42 BC. He received at least one present from everyone in Rome, and God even got him a Ferrari convertible chariot. Some people say that God also gave Jesus the gist of how to make cracked corn. Jesus has never commented to anyone on this, and some people believe that this is all just a bunch of crap, but I wouldn't doubt it was true. I mean Jesus kicks enough ass to make cracked corn.

Jesus' superhero status is further reflected in his origin, the birth of a baby with a Mexican name to a woman in Judea, 1600 years before a Christian discovered Mexicans. (Editor's note: The Mormons use this as compelling proof that Jesus did, in fact, visit the Americas.)

If you were blind, crippled, sick or lame you could just go to Jesus, and He'd put His hands on you and heal you. That certainly made Him very popular. For this reason, Jesus' hands were in high demand back then.

The Jee man also enjoyed surfing in his custom-made surfboard, which also doubled as a small boat to preach his stuff.

According to contemporary reports, there was nothing Jesus couldn't do. He could have sung better than Freddie Mercury, He could surf pretty well, He could have driven better than Mario Andretti, He could have hit more home runs than Big Papi, and He could have baked the most incredible fudge brownies ever. If He had been an actor, He could have won an Oscar (Wilde) every time. However, former power hitter and voodoo houngan for the Chicago Cubs, Sammy Sosa, disagreed, and stated his opinion: "Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball."

But some people got jealous of how popular Jesus was, so they killed Him. (His infamous "I'm bigger than the Beatles" statement most likely was the straw that broke the camel's back.) Jesus, however, was just too amazing to let a little thing like death stop Him. Three days later He rose from the dead, danced around for a bit and then went back to heaven! Even though Jesus hasn't appeared to have appeared openly on Earth since his prize fight with Rocky Balboa, His popularity and approval ratings remain as high as ever. However, many modern historians (and other worshippers of science) are often baffled by the amount of attention is paid to this 2,000-year-old Jew. But there is a consensus that it has something to do with the average person’s love of frozen popsicle treats.


Jesus is now hunted by African poachers on the Serengeti. They think they can sell his hands for a very high price to the Chinese who believe they contain magic powers and, when powdered and mixed with green tea, provide what the Happy Jesus Happy Powder Company of Shanghai calls "Happy Magical Jesus Manly Male Magic".

The Jee man also enjoyed hanging out at Mary Magdalene's house.

Jesus' Fanclub

See Article: Christianity

Jesus' Demise

Yeah, Jesus got pwned by the Roman governor Herpatitis. Died for your sins and all that fun stuff. His last words are commonly said to be, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." and "Hey, I can see my house from here..." visitor.]] A heretical sect believes that Jesus actually died by slipping in the tub. They are known as Baathists, and are frequently warred against by true Christians. They can be identified by the use of a small gold or silver showerhead around their necks instead of a cross; and rather than crossing themselves, they wave their arms in circles as if losing their balance, while repeating "whoa whoa whoa".

Jesus' Many Names

“If a Jew dies on a hill, and no one else is around, does he make a religion?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Original Jesus

As a figure appearing again and again in classical tales and historical scripts, the name of Jesus has frequently been changed to local dialects or to reflect different aspects of society.

For more on this, see Jesus (disambiguation)

Note that Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is a completely unrelated entity.

Jesuses

Plural form. Multiple Jesii. Often found roaming the tundra in small herds, occasionally vigorously devouring a passing lemming.

“These buggers are multiplying! It's a miracle.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jesii

Jesus Loves You

Jesus is to non-belivers as a shepherd is to someone else's flock.
  • He loves you, but thank his father that he doesn't grant you eternal life on earth. That would be harsh and unattractive: picture your grandpa at seventy, now picture him at seven-hundred...
  • Loves you like a miscreant loves leaving a suitcase filled with bricks unattended at a subway station
  • Jesus loves you, but he's not in love with you.
  • Jesus loves you, but the rest of us think you're nuts.
  • Jesus loves you, but I'm his favourite. I hope.
  • (while pulling petals of Jesus' favorite flower, the Poinsetta) - Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you not. Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you not. Jesus loves you. awwwww Jesus loves you not.(glues petal back on) Jesus loves you! :D
  • Jesus loves you. But he also loves Star Trek. And in all fairness Star Trek came first.
  • Jesus loves you, but the dog has to go.
  • Jesus loves you, now get him a bologna sandwich and a root beer, woman!
  • Jesus loves you, but not on the rugby field.
  • Jesus loves you, but god damn... stop "forgetting your money" every time you go out to lunch with him.

Jesus Saves

In the motion picture "Bend it like Bethlehem", Jesus aspires to become a goal keeper for the Beitar Jerusalem football club. However, his father believes that saving goals instead of souls is beneath his son's destiny. Jesus's father, in a bid to distract him from football, ultimately has him implicated in a coup attempt on the Roman Governor Pontius Pilot which leads to tragic and unforeseen consequences. Jesus is subsequently executed in the sequel The Passion of the Christ.

Jesus saves, shoots and scores!

The Big Discussion

People have been arguing about the Original Jesus for centuries. If he could do anything, why didn't he purify the world? Why were people given free will if it just makes them sin? Does turkey have less fat than chicken? Thus, leading to the only reasonable solution:

Jesus, is, in fact, a Grue. And that is why Canadians are awesome. And Jesus was Canadian. And yes, turkey has less fat than chicken. And yes, 42.

Discography

  • For the Love of Jesus (1964)
  • What in the name of Jesus (1967)
  • The Transformed Messiah (spoken word, 1968)
  • Bigger, Longer and Better Cut than the Beatles (1970)
  • I'm Jesus Christ and you're not! (1976)
  • Never Mind The Bollocks Here's The Crucifixion (1977)
  • The Wide Album (1978)
  • Blueberry Sky (spoken word, 1978)
  • Christmas With Jesus (1979)
  • The Bright Side: My Life With Brian in Seven Sweet Songs (1981)
  • Proud to be a Jew (1983)
  • Don't Call Me Harold (1985)
  • Inpsalmnia (1987)
  • Journey: Greatest Hits (1988)
  • Liquidizer (1989)
  • Doubt (1991)
  • Perverse (1993)
  • Already (1997)
  • London (2001)
  • Smells like Holy Spirit (with special guest Kurt Cobain, 2004)
  • Don't Blame Me, I'm Jewish: The Soundtrack (2008)

Rare limited edition singles include:

  • I Just Left Chicago (Live from New Orleans)
  • Don't Be Cross With Me
  • Ring of Briar
  • Can You Stop the Cavalry
  • Right Here, Right Now
And guest appearances on many works of Toby Keith

Limited Edition Cover Album

  • Stairway To Heaven - Led Zeppelin
  • Touch The Sky - Kanye West
  • Adam's Song - Blink 182
  • Heaven - Warrant
  • Blue Sky Mine - Midnight Oil
  • What If God Was One Of Us - Joan Osbourne
  • This Is The New Shit - Marilyn Manson
  • It Doesn't Matter - Wycleaf Jean
  • Pimpin' All Over The World - Ludacris
  • Don't Ask Me No Questions - Lynyrd Skynyrd
  • Heaven - Bryans Adams (Duet)
  • Here I Go Again - Whitesnake
  • The Blowjob Song - Blink 182
  • Dirty Mouth - International Superheroes of Hardcore
  • Live your Life (Stop Annoying Me) - T.I. feat. Rihanna

Filmography

Jesus' films include:

  • 1969- "The Greatest Story Ever Told" With Jesus as "Cop #2"
  • 1970- (director) "Love Story" (credited as Alan Smithee)
  • 1971- "Godzilla vs Jesus"
  • 1976- "The Real Story of Jesus Christ" as "Limo Driver"
  • 1981- "[Heart] my Cross and Die for Hope" as "The Evangelist"
  • 1983- "Return of Jesus: Jesus Harder" (AKA "Jesus: With a Vengeance") as "Hotdog Salesman"
  • 1986- (writer) "The Cosby Show: Behind the Scenes"
  • 1986- (actor) "The Cosby Show: Behind the Scenes" as "Everthing"
  • 1988- "A Very Brady Christmas" as Himself
  • 1994- "999 shei shi xiong shou" ["The Crucifixion"] as "All Things Good"
  • 1997- "Bend it like Bethlehem" as goal keeper for Beitar Jerusalem football club
  • 2004- "Bible Movie II: The Roman Empire Strikes Back"
  • 2004- The Passion of the Christ as Mel Gibson
  • 2004- "Anal Slamfucks 4 XXX" as Horny Midget No.9
  • 2005- "King Kong" sound director, creditied as Jezub Olson
  • 2008- "Don't Blame Me, I'm Jewish"
  • 2009- "The Passion of the Christ 2: Crucify This" as Mel Gibson
  • 2039- (project pending) "J and Silent Bob Save the World" as "J"
Editor's note: After being nominated for an Oscar for His role in "Bible Movie V: The Roman Empire Strikes Back", He signed on for the inevitable sequel, still in pre-production. Paul W.S. Anderson is writing the screenplay and Ewe Boll is slated to direct, both having been handpicked by the Holy Spirit. IMDB lists the working title as, "Bible Movie VI: Return of the Jesii".
Jesus's father is rumored to be writing, producing and directing a prequel to the "Bible Movie" films. IMDB lists the working title as "Bible Movie I: The Phantom Moses".

Famous Biblical passages involving Jesus

  • The Gospel of Rock 42:19-20:
    • Jesus stood up before the crowd, lifted up His fist, and cried, "LET THERE BE ROCK!"
    • And they gathered together and asked Jesus, "Oh, Lord, what is Thy first commandment?
    • And Jesus answered, "It is thus: Be Cool, and get laid."
  • The Book of Googly Eyes 13:98:
    • And Zepherion did looked to Jesus and asked, "Lord, what do you think of homosexuality?"
    • And Jesus didst look upon Zepherion and He answered thusly, "Thou hast seen haughty babes washing My feet and partaking of Mine, uh, "Sacrement". Chicks Doest Dig Saviors. What part of that don't you understand??"
  • The Book of Donny 25:25
    • He then strickest down the guy who did eff with Him, saying, "Nobody fucks with the Jesus!"
  • The Book of Cool 15:85
    • Peter said to Him, "What is the sin of the world?" The Jee Man said, "Hard Rock Hallelujah!" And Peter said, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
  • The Book of Tarl 44:12
    • And behold, Jesus tooketh the greatest electric guitar ever seen, and played it.
    • And all of the poeple worshipped saying "Truly, thou art greater than Jimi Hendrix."
    • But this made Jimi wroth, and so Jesus fled to the Woodstock concert.
    • And took the form of Jimi, and made him seem even cooler.

Santa Jesus

Many people also belive that jesus was born in the north pole and cloned himself later so people won't think that jesus and santa are the same. Jesus pretended to die to confuse the people who already put the link between santa and Jesus. some say that he did not clone himself at all but just made a robot to take his place before he got crucified which answers many question about his resurrection.

Quotes

“Do not change your behavior. I simply have to forgive you. It's less paperwork.”
~ Jesus


“This is my body. No, really...It's actually my body. Seriously guys. Eat me.”
~ Jesus


“Folks, the point of life is to memorize and believe in the events that took place in my life. As long as you know that I rose from the dead, you can actually forget about most of that 'Love thy neighbor' talk. I mean...I freakin' rose from the dead. How cool is that?”
~ Jesus


“Everyone - listen up. We're going to go through the Old Testament and approve only those passages that do not affect our everyday life. Everyone grab a Sharpie. We only have 2 for this crowd, but we can do the fish & bread thing for this too.”
~ Jesus


“While I have long hair, this is only ok until it is socially unacceptable. Once American Fundamentalism takes off, I want every male with short hair, and every woman in a dress.”
~ Jesus


“Don't blame me! I'm Jewish!”
~ Jesus


“Wait, you want me to answer your prayers?... You're new to the whole Christianity game, aren't you?”
~ Jesus


“It's called cannabalism now?”
~ Jesus

What jesus says

See also:


The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy
Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan

Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Gosh, Jeez, & the Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan
After a few drinks: Daddyo, Laddyo, & The Spook
Bottom Rung, the Holy Tripod: Gah, Jesús, & the Holy Rock, opposed by Santa
Fell off the Ladder: Goo, Jazz, and Hollywood, opposed by Stalin


This article uses material from the "Original Jesus" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







Got something to say? Make a comment.
Your name
Your email address
Message