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Up to date as of February 05, 2010
(Redirected to Captain Picard article)

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Captain Picard.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard, often mistakenly called by his screen name "Sir" Patrick Stewart, is the captain of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Picard is most widely known for standing up from his captain's chair and quickly pulling his shirt down to where it should be. This is widely known as the Picard Maneuver, and is practiced by many including his first officer William T. Riker (commonly referred to as simply "Beard").

Picard after assimilation by the Gay Borg Collective, and given the name: La-cutes-tush.

Unlike other starship captains in the Star Trek Universe, such as Captain Archer of the Enterprise NX-01, Picard will not be seen laying on the floor of a prison cell eating slop out of a dog bowl. He is much too proper for that shit. Instead, Picard's negative twists of fate involve firing phasers on the Klingons, straightening his shirt, saving humanity from plot twists, and scanning the debris field for life signs. Recreational activities involve drinking Earl Grey Tea, reading Shakespeare, fencing, deep conversations with Whoopi Goldberg, telling Wesley to STFU while trying to get into Beverly Crusher's pants, and reminding Worf not to fire phasers... just yet.

"Born to parents Herman Melville, and David Copperfield in France," Picard quickly had an entire backstory developed from those very notes scribbled on a cocktail napkin. During his life, Jean-Luc was frequently quoted on subjects he experted in, ranging from exo-archaeology to bathing etiquette; however he shall always be remembered for his last words:

"Don't fire phasers just yet Mr. Worf, I think that grue is trying to communicate with us!"

Picard is survived by Roomba xJ5, a product of a tryst he had with the Borg queen when he briefly served as the frontman of the Borg; an interstellar heavy metal rock band originally founded in Sweden.

Did you know...
that Picard is better than Kirk? And listing the 1,001 reasons why this is so is not funny?
The original pitch of TNG strayed too much from The Original Series. But just barely.
Sir I'm afraid the Prime Directive forbids me from helping your primitive culture.

See also

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People named "Captain"

America - Archer - Arrogant - Awesome - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Charisma - Cook - Courageous - Crunch - D - Denial - Exaggeration - Feathersword - Falcon - Fishcake - General - Hook - Jack - Jack Sparrow - Janeway - Jesus - Kirk - Lamberton - Marvel - Marvel (other) - Morgan - N - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Picard - Planet - Raccoon - Sarcasm - Scarlet - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Ultra - Understatement - Vague - Video

Out damned Romulan! OUT I SAY!!!

Roman Dog Bird is obviously without comedic tastes and therefore belongs at Wikipedia!

This article uses material from the "Captain Picard" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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