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Prison: Wikis


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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

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Would you want to share a cell with THIS man?! Crime doesn't pay.
“Go to Jail. Go directly to Jail. Do not pass "Go", do not collect $200”
~ Mr. Money Bags on Jail
“Prison made me gay.”
~ Oscar Wilde on how prison made him gay
“These people are too guilty to be in prison, they should be interned”
~ Giusep nay on prison
“*Plop*”
~ soap being dropped
“Oops”
~ unlucky inmate on above dropping the soap
heheheheheh
~ 8foot tall black guy with 300 muscle mass on above comment

Prison is the world's most popular homosexual club and a legalized kidnapping system. Prisons have served different purposes in the cultures that created them. Among the feudal Japanese, prison was merely a place you went to await execution; but in modern society, prison is often used as a sort of forced, taxpayer-sup ported Club Med for citizens found guilty of crimes. In America, prison is a place where African Americans and rednecks are held. There are no Jews in prison.

Jails (i.e., where, for a less serious crime, one can be incarcerated for a shorter time than in a prison) are ideal if one isn't sure and wishes to try out the prison experience on a trial basis, without the long-term commitment.

Prison Food is very tasty.

Contents

How to go to Prison

Main article: HowTo:Get Arrested

Important note: Make sure to let authorities know where you are at to get arrested faster.

Please beware hiring a lawyer while trying these, as they may convince authorities not to arrest you and then take your money.

  • Murder somebody! However, this does not work if you...
    • are a rich Black man living in Los Angeles and you kill your white wife and you plan to find the "real murderer".
    • are a Congressman.
    • earn more than $24 million in a single year.
    • do it to yourself
  • Do something unnatural! (note: if you are a super freaky, super rich eccentric doing unnatural things with kids it won't work)
  • Eat all the cookies in your web browser cache.
  • Lie on your income tax returns.
    • Important note: Don't forget to file! Lying on your tax returns does you no good if you don't file them.
  • Invite a preschool class to your work place for a tour. At the last stop drop your pants (for men) or take off your top (for women)!
  • Hold up a bank with a water gun and then ... lame
  • Hold a parade without informing city officials of your plan. (note: make sure you really really really tie up traffic, or else you'll just get a fine)
  • Masturbate in a movie theater, and get noticed.
  • Drive your solid silver motorcar onto a square of roadway with "Go To Jail" painted on it.
  • Commit any crime involving money in any of the 50 states of the United States. (note: if you wish to serve less time, kill someone instead of committing a money crime)
  • Sell illegal drugs while dressed like a nun. (note: if you are white, this doesn't work)
  • Coax a small child into your van with the promise of free candy, and then cross the state line with the young one.
  • Go to a bank and demand they relinquish all of their money to you under the threat of violence.
  • Download an mp3. (note: this is just a lie propagated by RIAA)
  • Touch a wedge of cheese that doesn't belong to you, then select "Go to Jail"
  • Piss off Goemon, Ebisumaru, Sasuke, Yae, or Goemon Impact(does not reflect on Wise Man because he's perverted).
  • Insult any major politician.(Except Dick Cheney what other purpose does he serve?)
  • Sleep in a South Dakota cheese factory
  • If you land on Mayfair and you have to pay all your money and your properties to that STUPID DOG!

Getting to Prison on Uncyclopedia

You can watch Uncyclopedia, but you can't shag the sheep.

Do something that pisses the Admins off. Then they ban you and you get to see the cool picture on the right.

  • This unfortunate user saw it. - This unfortunate User did not deserve seeing it.
  • And this sad fellow.
  • And this one.
  • Here's some more users who got to see it.

Ways to piss the admins off

  • Write stuff that's stupid and not funny. (for example: Spongebob invented the dodo in 99999999999999999 B.C. and had sex with it.)
  • Edit before you've read, The Beginners Guide.

The two above are easy. Those two epistoes Epistles are so long hardly any new users read all of them before starting to edit.

  • More Ways.
  • Tell the Admins they're f**king sadists. Though they are...
  • Tell the Admins they're f**king corrupt. Though they are...
  • Tell the Admins TO f**k off.
  • Tell the Admins TO f**k off life.

Common Prison Activities

In prison, inmates (or clients, as they are sometimes termed by socially-conscious prison officials) may engage in the following endeavours at society's expense:

Due to lack of funds; many prisoners have been forced to make their own shaving razors.
  • serving time
  • watching CNN and reruns of Frasier
  • reading the latest Anne Rice novel
  • learning useful skills, such as:
    • eating sausages
    • cooking (while working in the prison kitchen)
    • sewing for fun and profit
    • cloning cell phones
    • hotwiring cars: advanced techniques
    • how to get/give ass sex
    • smoking pot
  • enjoying the pleasures of forced and consensual sexual intimacy
  • trying out non-prescription drugs
  • stabbing other inmates to death with improvised knives known as "shivs"
  • joining activity groups (or gangs) with common interests
  • networking
  • working out in the fully-equipped, state-of-the-art gym so that they can be bigger, faster, stronger criminals upon release
  • taking high-school/college/university courses so that they can be more intelligent criminals upon release
  • learning, improving and/or mastering a second language (if fortunate enough to be incarcerated in a second-language milieu in their home country or abroad)
  • meeting and getting to know famous people
  • creating Uncyclopedia entries
  • autoeroticizing
  • earning money to pay their children's way through college
  • getting really cool tattoos (even if they don't want them)
  • learning how to tattoo
  • doing Doctoral research, or gathering material for their own screenplay or reality show
  • Getting drunk off the hand soap in the bathroom.
  • Wearing sack cloth
  • Sleeping
  • Sitting
  • Pouting
  • Wishing bad things to the world
  • Looking angry
  • Paranoia from worring about dropping the soap
  • Dropping the soap - "Ooh boys, it's butter-fingers again"
  • Wishing you hadn't just dropped the soap
  • Picking up the soap
  • Learning not to pick up the soap - sometimes it's better to stay dirty
  • Investing in shower gel
  • Have we mentioned ass-rape?
  • Rape in the nose by a trasvestite ass pirate
  • Breaking out (don't forget to permanently tatoo your plan onto your skin so you don't forget it).
  • Dropping the soap
  • Getting butt-raped by Dipsy, of the Teletubbies, who is there serving time for butt-raping a guy in the bathroom at a Taco Bell.
  • Bubba (yes that is an activity, if you know what i mean)

Guards and prisoners often become very well acquainted with each other, because guards are required to frequently make sure that the little prisoners don't smuggle in gold from Fort Knox or their Aunt Mildred's sweater. As seen in this video, sometimes prisoners and guards form friendships based on these moments:


Gifts For Prison Inmates

Everybody likes to get mail, and this is epecially true for prisoners, who have in many cases been separated from their families and social circles.

Prisoners particularly appreciate gifts of items that may be unavailable or expensive at the prison shopping centre. Although tools such as files, small shovels, knives, and firearms are most treasured, they are strongly discouraged by authorities and are best smuggled into the prison inside baked goods.

However, there are still many convenient and useful items which may be sent by post to prisoners:

  • Soap on a Rope
  • Cigarettes (even non-smokers may use them to purchase other items, or protection)
  • Pornographic magazines or National Geographic
  • Condoms (The kind that are good for gay anal sex)
  • Calendar and Pencil
  • Baked Goods (for real)
  • Shiv
  • A Chastity Belt
  • Pictures of wife (accepted as prison currency)
  • Death threats from Dipsy (See Above).
  • Your virginity

Real life in the Prison

If your not want that your family visit you in prison your can always send a picture postcard to your darling or family. This a real prison where criminal men's life in cruel condition. This is most cruelty Prison in whole world where human life as real prisoner. In this Prisor it there everday dark, cold and imprison get heavy punishment of wardress. This prison is Genuineness Victim Proof = WGA. Your can never escape for death when two wardress whipping you at end of your life! Why is this prison so cruel , that what you have done can never forgive. If you be a murderer it your be brought to justice and be there on right place! So relaxed have have fun in this real Prison!

Welcome underground prison

Boost Moral In Prison

  • hang yourself
  • wank off
  • give yourself a BJ
  • find plastic spoon
  • Pass the soap

Prison Break

Government revenues are sadly not infinite, so there are unfortunately a variety of ways the magical time that is prison can come to an end: parole, escape, and serving time.

Parole

Sometimes a parole board will agree that a prisoner has partaken sufficiently of the joys of incarceration and will attempt to return that prisoner to society before the completion of his sentence. Only the most stupid prisoners are ever paroled since it can easily be avoided.

Here are a few suggestions to avoid being paroled:

  • tell the parole board that while you have been cured of your previous prediliction for armed robbery, you now have an overwhelming desire to barbeque children
  • eat any paper you can get your hands on, loudly and ravenously, repeat "Oh, lord, that hurts so good!" between sheets
  • refer to the members of the board as "cutie", "sweetiepie", "honeybuns", and other terms of endearment
  • ask them if this means you can remove your handcuffs because you have a strong need to strangle the next person who addresses you by your given name; best employed near the end of the review after you have repeatedly been called by your given name
  • avoid saying "I'm sorry" at any time during the hearing (even if you step on someone's foot) as this may be interpreted as a sign of remorse resulting in parole being granted

Escape

Escape is the unfortunate predicament of a prisoner who accidentally wanders away from the correctional facility and cannot find his way back. The good news is that if our directionally challenged friend can find a suitable authority to turn himself in to, he'll have lengthened his original sentence!

Fire doors and designated exits are often left unguarded and unlocked because most escapees will insist on air vents and digging tunnels.

Serving Time

All good things must come to an end. When your sentence expires, you are forced to leave prison, like a child forcibly expelled from his mother's womb. This is followed by a natural desire to return, and happily it is simple enough to return to prison.

While any serious crime will do, here are some creative suggestions to get you back to prison (important note: Make sure to let authorities know where you are at to get arrested faster):

  • rob your local liquour store at gunpoint, omit to wear a mask, and make sure to get close to the security camera; say something funny like, "Look, Ma, I'm robbing a liquour store!"
  • rob banks: if you rob a bank they call it a crime, if the bank robs you they call it a service charge
  • build a bomb and then e-mail your city government for suggestions on where it might best be planted for maximum effect
  • sodomize the mayor's prized pet, videotape your crime, mail it to the chief of police along with a request for donations and your name and mailing address
  • write The Punisher starring Thomas Jane, get it filmed, and distribute it all over the world
  • Masturbate in public, or in some person's house
  • Post a stool sample, as part of a legitimate national colorectal cancer screening programme, but get the numbers the wrong way around on the address. Damn...
  • Sleep in a South Dakota cheese factory

Proof that Prison Sucks

There are many things that make serving time inconvenient: The steel bars, the mean guards, the anal rape, but here is one thing that proves that prison time is no fun:

Proof that crime does NOT pay!

How to become a Correctunull... corettinal... Correctional Officer

Evolving from the "PRrrrIssZZZON GARRRRD" in 2000 they are the most sacred of all "Good O' Boys" and are located just above "Bobbies" and "Hootn'Hallars" on the Chuck Norris scale of badassness. To ascend to one of these supreme beings requires some sort of mid-life crisis or G.E.D. (Good Enough Degree) just to possibly imagine wile conceiving the thought of being a Correctional Officeseer.

One or whore of the following traits will help out significantly throughout your career

* Sleeping while on the job
* Pressing the shiny red "Unlock All" button
* Firing rounds after rounds tear gas at slightest feeling of discomfort
* Taking bribes
* Bringing in anything listed as "contraband"

Wikipedia's Article on Prison BUT IN VERY VERY MLA FORMAT!

Image:VVMLA Prison.JPG

See also

External links

Actions of life and death
Start | Be born | Sleep | Play | Study | Sleep | Play | Kill | Live | Go to jail | Escape | Travel | Go to the cemetery | Die | End

This article uses material from the "Prison" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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Up to date as of February 07, 2010







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