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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Professor X.
“Get a haircut bald man!”
~ Captain Jack Sparrow on Professor X
“That bitch is jealous of my hair.”
~ Cloud Strife on Professor X
“Xavier is one of the bravest men I know. He once drank all my beer and left the empty cans in my room.”
~ Wolverine on Professor X
Professor X

Can't see shit...

Publisher Classified
First appearance Never
Created by Unknown
Real name He won't say
Status Ummmhh, I don't know. In a wheel-chair, perhaps???
Affiliations X-Men
Previous affiliations Can't remember that, no sire.
Notable aliases Mystery Man, "Wheels", Onslaught, LeChuck, Chucky, Jean-Luc Picard on Wheels, Stephen Hawking
Notable relatives Don't remember that either.
Notable powers He can make you fo...


Character overview

Professor X (full name unknown) (known as "Charlz" to the Juggernaut) is a shadowy, elusive comic book character in the Marvel Comics universe. He is also an ecstasy dealer on the side, hence the name "Professor X". He is a mutant who have the power to make people forget things, including his real name and most everything else. He is aptly named because nobody really knows anything about him, except that he's apparently bald, sits in a wheelchair, is apparently a professor (well, according to the title at least) and never seem to turn out alright on photos, hence the X. Unfortunately, nobody knows what the "X" stands for. He has probably went to some form of university to earn the professor title. Which is, of course, only an assumption as it is not in his character to reveal anything about himself. He hasn't made any real appearances as he always sits unseen in the shadow or only talks over the phone, never in person. But that's pretty predictable for something who calls himself "Professor X", ain't it? The only thing he has revealed about himself (in a telephone call, of course) is that he is in the X-Men, who are a group of shadowy figures who nobody really knows anything about either, hence the name.

He is a leading authority on amnesia (or so we're told), memory losses and dissociative fugues, has considerable expertise in other forgettable sciences, and is highly talented in creating equipment that makes people forget things, which also happens to include the reader. He runs a school for amnesiac children who may or may not have something to do with the shadowy X-Men, which I might have known if my memory wasn't so blurry. As a leading figure of the X-men it needs to be said that X-men is the short form for ex-men, which would suggest they used to be men, but are no longer men. The X is just used to indicate that we know very little about them. This also suggests that this "Professor X" is an ex-professor; likely disgraced for too making too many men into ex-men. Bearing this in mind, perhaps he professes something to do with cosmetic sciences (ie gender alteration).

The Onslaught phase

For some time, Professor X was apparently driven mad after mind-wiping Captain Oblivious into vegetative state and become even more paranoid over exposition and obsessed with not being seen. Therefore, he hid himself inside a giant red suit, modeled after the supervillain Magneto, and began to call himself Onslaught. In this form, he sought to mindwipe all of humanity completely so as to erase even the slightest bit of evidence of who he was, which, to the surprise of the comic book readers, he actually succeeded with. However, since he hid himself in a giant red suit and mindwiped everyone, the storyline STILL did not reveal who Professor X is and what's his real name is. Even when he was defeated and his suit broken under him, impenetrable shadows still concealed his face entirely, just like they always have.

The elusive Professor X, a nightmare for any paparazzi photographer, as depicted in some comic book. Notice how his face is all blurred out, Ringu-style.

Why is Professor X in a wheelchair?

  • Is he a lazy son a bitch?
  • He is too lazy to get up off of his ass!
  • He is "dead down there" if you know what I mean.
  • Maybe Zombie Jesus got hungry off a famine and then turned into the Xorcist and ate off his legs.
  • Quadriplegic, maybe??
  • He has no bowel control. It's a komode not a wheelchair.
  • In his youth, a neighborhood girl challenged him to kick a football. At the last second she yanked the football away, causing him to flip in the air and land on his back. The rest is history.
  • He isn't actually disabled, he just pretends to claim state benefit!
  • Q got pissed at Picard and smacked him so hard (well hard in human standards. For a Q it was more of a flick) he broke Picards spine. He hid the evidence by placing Picard in the Marvel Universe and named him Prof. X

Conspiracy Theories - the True identities of Professor X

Fun facts

  • Professor X suffers from a severe infection of Pixellated Face Disease.
  • Professor X is bald (judging from the only known photos of him, unfortunately clouded by impenetrable fog)
  • Professor X is responsible for turning Captain Oblivious into the amnesiac dimwit he is these days
  • Professor X wants YOU for the School for Gifted Youngsters
  • Professor X is a professor. Well, Duh!
  • Professor X's face becomes all blurry whenever he turn his face towards the reader because he doesn't want us to see him.
  • Professor X loves porn... the dirty kind... it's not smut. You all know I mean!!

See also

This article uses material from the "Professor X" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.


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