Ralph Nader: Wikis

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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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To demonstrate the dangers of airbags, Ralph Nader famously broke the neck of this three-year-old girl on national television.
“If a vote for Nader is a vote for McCain, whom do I vote for if I want to vote for Nader?”
~ Barack Obama on rhetorical questions
“Don't be a hater; vote Ralph Nader.”
~ Xzibit on Ralph Nader
“Let Nader Debate!... pleease?”
~ Ralph Nader's soon-to-be slogan

Ralph Nader has no friends. He is also a political activist who pulled his way up from the east side projects of Winsted, Connecticut to become a prominent right-wing politician. Known for his Machiavellian treachery, he runs as an extreme leftist in order to draw votes away from more moderate liberal candidates, thus sabotaging their campaigns.

Most noted for his heated, no-holds-barred rhetoric, his speeches, lectures, and political rallies are often attended by as many as two dozen people at any given time. One of his most famous speeches consisted of gems like "Me name be Ralph Nader. Me gonna make an appeal. Homies, save the rainforest. Aiii? Keep it real."


Literary Career

Nader gets that crazed, twitchy, lazy-eyed look...

In 1965, Nader wrote the famous book Unsafe at Any Non-Zero Relative Velocity, a treatise on the faulty design of the McDonnell-Douglas A-7 Corsair. It tended to understeer at Mach 3.5, causing a crash in June of 1963. He also complained of the chrome-plated windshield-wiper arms which could conceivably blind pilots, potentially causing them to shoot missiles at the wrong Ayatollah.

Nader continued to increase his notoriety through a long career of God-hating, anti-American, liberal terrorist causes through best-selling books, such as The Consumer and Holding Corporations Responsible, Because the Anti-Capitalist Terrorists Should Win (1976), Who's Poisoning America, and Why We Should Continue Because We Hate Freedom and God (1981), Cutting Corporate Welfare Instead of Welfare for the Poor, Like We Obviously Should Be (1992), and The 3.14159 Traditions (2007).

Presidential Campaigns

Having realized the campaigns are the only way to strengthen his reputation and make people love him, Ralph Nader has run numerous times for the office of President.


Nader received the Green Party nomination for the US Presidency. His "Both Parties Are the Same Even Though They Vote the Opposite" campaign strategy was immensely successful, garnering more votes than Pacific salmon have bicycles (salmon and bicycles both being rare after Nader's The Boon of Hydroelectric Power (1985) and Two-Wheeled Deathtraps (1994)).
Later that year, the verb nadering entered widespread use as a euphemism for "working against your own interests". Some examples of common usage:
  • "Didn't I warn you about playing with BB guns? Just look at your eye! Oh, I guess you can't look, can you, since it's gone now! You've nadered yourself, are you satisfied?"
  • "Mr. Wilkins, remember how I said that if we outsourced our entire IT Department, we'd get into some real trouble once the Indians and Chinese started raising their hourly rates? Well, looks like our asses are totally nadered."
Ralph Nader, activist and candidate, tired out after a successful run for President.


Rumors spread that Nader was again on the presidential ballot; while this has never been confirmed, his lack of political support that year led to a steep decline in the use of the euphemism "nadering" in favor of the phrase "marriage is a sacred institution." (Usage example: "Didn't I tell you the other kids'd beat you up for trying to keep them from torturing those kittens? Marriage is a sacred institution!")


Nader announced that he was running for President once again, for the eighth time. He remained realistic about his chances, saying that with Barack Obama in the race, he would only win by 20–25% of the vote, with Obama likely winning "the colored areas" and John McCain winning only old folks and fascists.
He then revealed his engagement to long-time girlfriend Morgan Fairchild, to which the editor can only say, about damn time. I mean, come on Ralph, you're 75 and still not married.


  • Ralph Nader rhymes with Darth Vader.
  • Claimed McCain was "more white cash than white trash".
  • Test drove a new Mercedes-Benz with no intention of even buying one.
  • Took a "liberal" amount of mints at Applebee's.
  • Is a secret spie for the Soviet Union.(This was done under hypnosis so he doesn't know hes a spie.)
  • ...

Personal Life

In his free time, Nader enjoys finding things not funny and sitting in a hard-backed chair masturbating violently to photographs of seatbelts and airbags. Rumors circulated during the 2000 presidential campaign that Nader once had a recognizably human relationship with another person were later revealed to be an urban legend. It was actually with a crash test dummy.

Wrestling Career

After telling his personal assistant to accept any offer to appear on TV, Nader was accidentally enrolled into the 2008 World Wrestling Federation's Royal Rumble event. That years event was highly unusual due to a mix up at Vince McMahon's office, where a list of people not worth bribing for tax purposes because of their inability to get elected was confused with a list of steroid filled assholes. Unable to admit the mistake, McMahon renamed the event RumblePAC, which had the added benefit of giving him the tax breaks he had dreamed of.

Nader held on well through the early stages of the event, easily defeating the other desperate politicians who appeared. Mike Gravel, Dennis Kucinich, Bob Barr, and Chuck Baldwin were all dispatched quickly with Nader's signature move, "The Whining Backhand Slap". However, things took a turn for the worse when surprise guest Pat Buchanan performed the devastating "White Nationalist Kerb Stomp" in the final minute. Buchanan was disqualified for the banned move, and the winner (decided by an Internet vote) was Ron Paul, despite the fact that he had not attended due to a bad case of herpes.

People Who Voted for Ralph Nader

  • Ralph Nader and (we presume) his running mate

See Also

This article uses material from the "Ralph Nader" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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