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Rehab: Wikis


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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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“I went to rehab for having sex with a man, and i dont remember ever getting more nurse pussy in my life.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Rehab
“ They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said fuck that, I'd rather drink my ugly arse to death.”
~ Amy Winehouse on Rehab
“ Rehab is for quitters.”
~ Your Fat Ass on Rehab


Rehab is a place where you go approxomately 2 years after becoming famous. This has decreased over the past 20 years, to coincide with the average length of a teen pop heart throbs career, in order to sell more newspapers. At rehab, you can deal with a variety of personal problems, ranging from your standard obsessive-compulsive need to huff kittens or inject canabis oil into your eyeball, to the slightly more unique ones, such as being Kate Moss or Britney Spears. Prices begin at approximately 5 times the annual cost of your current drug/kitten huffing problem, preventing the common or garden variety loser from ever getting the help that they need. All rehabs in the UK are called "The Priory".

Many rehabs state that the only requirement to enter is the desire to help oneself. Of course, more shrewed observers have noticed that the main requirement is in fact £15,000.

Contents

Types of Rehabs

13 Step: Based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, these rehabs don't work. The basic premise is that one should accept ones powerlessness over drugs, alcohol and kittens, turn ones will and life over to the care of a "god" of ones own understanding, and then attempt to live a better life. As this is entirely true, going against uncylclopedias ignorable policy that no article should be informative in anyway, these rehabs seemed to have satirised themselves for us, and need no further explanation.

Concept Houses: Formulated on the understanding that drugs and kittens do not like loud noise, these rehabs attempt to SHOUT the impurities out of ones system. Kind of like the TV program "Bad Lads Army", these are mostly staffed by small men with even smaller penis'.

Christian Rehabs: These are thinly veiled recruiting houses for the local church. They employ absolutely no evidence based treatment whatsoever, and prefer to work with a "laying on of hands" treatment, as often favoured by Christ. It is rumoured that Tony the Tiger tried, and failed, to get clean at one of these. It is an undeniable_fact that Kate Moss repeatedly returns to this type of rehab as it's the only way to get anyone to lay hands on her.

Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse was an addict before they tried to make her go to rehab, but she said "blibble blabble goldfish". As most addicts, Winehouse was pursuing a life in the music industry, and became hooked to such horrific drugs as coffee, caffeine, alcohol and heroin. Upon releasing her infamous single 'Rehab', she and Ray, after years of teaching from Mr Hathaway, went on to deceive everyone into believing they were on the mend.

Hulk Hogan

Hulk Hogan was admitted into a local Kansas City rehab clinic in 1982 after his loss against then ruler of the world, Mahatma Gandhi. After the match he arranged a press conference stating that he was retiring from the world of professional wrestling. 6 months later while on vacation in Canada, Hogan discovered banana peels and how they could be used to get high. Day after day the hulkster smoked banana peels until he could no longer feel feelings again. During this time he preformed guest work on the album"Yellow Submarine" by The Beatles and became deeply depressed. Long time friend and mentor, Al Pacino approached Hogan and pleaded that he attend rehab with him(Pacino was suffering an addiction to acne cream at the time). They both regained their life(with many thanks going to their doctor, Anton LaVey) and became even closer friends.

Rehab Rehab

There has been numerous accounts of people that have got addicted to rehab from going there so much.The government has started a rehab program for people who are addicted to rehab.

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Rehab is a place where you go approxomately 2 years after becoming famous.


This article uses material from the "Rehab" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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